Elena's POV:
Dear diary,
I don't exactly understand how bad things happen in our lives. They seem to come at us all of a sudden, without any notice, surprising us in the hardest of times and obviously, according to other people, they exist so that we could be tested, so that we could become stronger. I don't know how a person becomes stronger once practically everything they hope for in their future collapses. I can't seem to figure it out. Maybe with time, if I become wiser, just like he was, I might start understanding things.
I used to be angry. Honestly. When I came home and I didn't see him on our front porch, where he has promised me to be, I got worried. I thought something's wrong with him, that he got into another fight or did something stupid again, something that now not only would hurt him, but myself as well. I started calling him-I got up in my room and rang for three hours straight, but there wasn't anyone, who would pick up. I was about to get to their house and look for him when someone rang on our own door.
When I saw Damon's face, I knew that was it. I had this bad pit in my stomach, ever since I left him behind on Friday. I didn't want to let him go that evening after the wonderful date we had. I was scared, that it was too good to be true and now it turned out that it was true, but it would never happen again.
So, I used to be mad. When I got back to my room, I made a mess-tossed everything around me, cursed and eventually cried, until my father came to my room to check up on me and I yelled at him to get away, but he was obviously smarter and wouldn't be fooled that easy, so he hugged me tight and stayed with me until I fell asleep from exhaustion. I remember that before I fell asleep, I was trying to recall how it felt like being in Stefan's embrace in this exact same room, only days ago. The next week was awful for me-I didn't want to talk, I skipped most of my classes and I stopped going to the tutor center. However, I did pass all my tests, just as father wanted, but I wasn't that eager- to- learn- new- things girl, that I've been until just recently. I wondered a lot why am I ruining my own life for a boy I knew for such a short time and yet I couldn't stop thinking about him. I recalled every time we were together and even the day we met at the gym so for me it wasn't a surprise when one Friday I just ended up there and watched the basketball team practice. I stayed there after they were done, I just decided to surround myself with silence and let it consume me completely. He said this is what happened to him after he learned that his mother's going to die-he just gave up on everything.
When Damon came to my house in that unfortunate day, we talked for more than an hour outside on my front porch. He was honest with me and I couldn't have been more grateful for that. He said Stefan wanted him to lie to me, to tell me that the decision to leave was his, that he was scared to be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure he could fall in love-in other words, it was typical Stefan-he would let other people hate him if it would mean he could protect them. But Damon told me the whole truth and how hurt Stefan was when he left, but that he wasn't up to ruining my life anymore, which is why he wouldn't pick up the phone-he wanted me to forget him at all costs, to continue my life without him, just like that. And yet I wanted to simply laugh at Damon's face, because the only thing I've been doing ever since we got closer was think about Stefan and I knew I wouldn't just stop now, even if he's no longer here.
So yes, in the beginning, I was mad at him. I kept thinking that more or less he did leave me. That he should've done something to try and remain here if he was really in love with me. Even when I knew the truth, I still blamed him, because I was hurt. I started convincing myself that this would've never worked out, that he was indeed a mess, someone who would bring me trouble and do me no good. I started hating him. I was full of rage, I didn't want to go out, I was constantly yelling at my parents for nothing. I was sad. For the first time, I actually realized how he must have felt-sadness consumes you. Once you let it in, it starts guiding your whole life, you don't question your decisions or actions anymore, you don't think about them-you just do it, even if sometimes it doesn't make any sense.
And then, after some time passed, I stopped hating him and I stopped drowning in my despair. I didn't become a happy person all of a sudden-that's impossible. I started appreciating the small things, just like he did and I enjoyed the solitude, because I realized how much can you learn from it. But I realized, I can't treat people around me the way I did, because that wouldn't be what he would want me to do. He would want me to be the same girl he fell in love with, so I got back to studying hard and I tried to fix my relationship with my parents. I went to the hospital with dad very often-I realized I needed something in this life to keep me going, something I would do with passion. And so with time I stopped blaming Stefan, because after all I realized that he hasn't done nothing wrong. He loved me, he treated me well, he was caring and honest. And the reason he wrote this sign in the first place was because he hated how people treated me, he just couldn't stand it, because he was an honest man, who would never sit beside and watch an innocent person being bullied. He was a good person, he always would be and I realized I would never regret the time we spent together, no matter how short it was all. I don't know what the future holds for me, I have no idea where I'll study, where I'll end up working, what kind of man I might fall in love with, but I still have hope that I will see him again, not only because he was the first boy I fell in love with, but also because I appreciate him as a person, as a friend and as someone I could lean on, simply because he understands me.
Sometimes you don't need much time to be able to feel that strange tickle somewhere inside you, the thing that keeps you up awake at night, because you're wondering what your favorite person is doing, the thing that urges you to see everything around you differently, to appreciate them more and lastly, but not less importantly, the thing that pushes you to look into another person's soul, to discover, to take risks and make the first step towards a great adventure-the thing called love.
Time screws things up, it puts boundaries, it sets borders, sometimes hard to overcome. Those who try to forget about it, are punished in awful ways. I am not denying time's harsh and cruel ways to test us and hurt us. I accept it and try to live with it. I do know that time matters, it always will, so I am not deluding myself here-I know that it's inevitable to feel that pain that time can cause you. But I'm trying to live with it, to keep on going, to keep on fighting, because the other option where you just give up, is out of the question. Even though, he is no longer near me, I still won't let myself disappoint him. I'm sure he wouldn't disappoint me either, even though when he left he must have been a wreck.
I like to think about him sometimes when I'm standing outside in our backyard, wrapped up with a blanket, a cup of coffee next to me and the human anatomy text book on the table besides. I look up at the sky or listen to the gentle way the wind is playing with my hair. I watch the grass swing and the way the sun sets down and I think…I wonder, where he must be right now, what he must be doing? Is he observing everything around him like I am right now or is he just passing through life without a purpose, lost more than ever, unable to find his way back? I wondered how much it took him to get himself together? I wondered if he's still thinking about me like I am thinking about him? I wondered about so many things and I realized that, after all, I simply miss him, but I do not regret anything and that I'm grateful for the day I met that wrecked, lonely, ruined by his own life boy at this gym.
He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
And now he's just a memory.
A/N: So this is the Epilogue, all written from Elena's POV. I think it was only fair that we see her reaction to everything that was going on. This is the end of the first part. I appreciate all your reviews and favorites, it means a lot to me, which is why I started working on the first chapter of the second part. I think those two deserve to spent some more time together after they were so abruptly torn away from each other. I hope you keep enjoying it the story and checking it up.