AN: Thank you for all of your lovely reviews - I'm glad you enjoyed chapter 9 :) And thank you for getting me past the 100 review mark – you guys are the best! MerDer2015 – your feeling is correct – I love Mark and he will definitely be making an appearance in the not too distant future (not this chapter but soon!) ;)
I struggled with this chapter and it's not my favourite, but it's transitional to get to the next stage of the story so I hope you don't hate it!
Chapter 10:
2 weeks later:
Meredith, Cristina, George and Izzie had just finished a 24 hour shift and we're now huddled around a table at Joe's, discussing the day's surgeries.
"Mere, Mere – are you even listening?" Izzie's calling of her name snapped her out of her thoughts.
"What?...erm sorry, what did you say?"
Izzie quirked an eyebrow at her. "What's with you? You've been brooding and angsty all day."
Meredith didn't get chance to answer though as the tinkling of the bell drew her attention to the door, as if she'd sensed him. Derek crossed the threshold and made his way over to the bar, taking a seat next to Dr Bailey. She could tell from his posture and the way his smile didn't quite make it to his eyes that he had things on his mind, but she doubted anyone who didn't spend as much time studying him as her would notice.
"McDreamy-itis" Cristina supplied, following Meredith's gaze. "I think it's chronic."
Meredith tore her attention from Derek to glare at Cristina. Izzie softened, realising the reason for her friend's distraction. "Still no news on the divorce papers?" she asked gently.
Meredith sighed. "No."
"You know, I still can't believe it was your idea for him to take time and consider his options." Cristina added.
"I can." Izzie replied, giving Meredith a small smile in support, "She wants him to be sure – she doesn't want him to end up resenting her later. I think it's mature."
"I'm sure Dr Shepherd will sign the papers soon Mere" George encouraged.
Cristina swallowed a retort about how long it takes to sign a piece of paper. She might not share Izzie and George's positivity but she wasn't blind - she'd seen the way her boss looked at her best friend. "McDreamy's been drooling over you since he got off the plane – he'll sign them."
Meredith forced a smile at her friends' support. She appreciated it, but she was beginning to agree with Cristina and wonder why she came up with the whole taking time plan. She knew deep down that it was the the right thing to do, but that wasn't helping the frustration she was feeling now. Not that she had any experience of divorce, nor had she given a time frame for taking time, but it had been two weeks now – seriously, how long does it take to decide whether or not you want to stay married?! Maybe she was being unfair - he'd been married for 11 years, it's a big decision to put an end to that. But that didn't stop her from feeling more and more antsy every day at not knowing what was going to happen. "I think I'm just going to go home" she told them, standing up and grabbing her jacket.
"We can come with you?" George offered.
"No, you guys stay - I'm just gunna go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
Derek caught sight of Meredith as she was about to head out of the door. He jumped out of his seat and jogged over to her. "Hey" he breathed, placing his hand on her arm and smiling warmly at her. He hadn't expected to see Meredith tonight so this was a bonus.
"Hey" she replied, noticing that his smile reached his eyes this time and he suddenly didn't look so careworn.
"Can I get you a drink?" Derek asked hopefully.
"Thanks but I'm just heading home." One part of her brain was saying yes - she'd love nothing more than to spend some time with Derek. But the sensible part of her brain reminded her that he still hadn't signed the papers, and that getting even more attached before he did so wasn't a good idea.
Derek saw the battle of emotions in her eyes. "You know, alcohol doesn't count as romantic" he teased.
Meredith chuckled, "alcohol leads to romantic – or sexual!"
Derek smirked, his eyes twinkling. "I like alcohol – more alcohol I say."
Meredith rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile that tugged at her mouth. "Goodnight Derek."
"Goodnight Mere". Derek couldn't help the sense of disappointment that filled him as he watched Meredith leave. He understood why she was hesitant but he really missed her.
Derek sighed as he sat back down and looked over to find Bailey giving him her trademark unimpressed look. "What?"
"You signed the papers yet?"
"How did you-"
"I'm Dr Bailey – I know everything. Besides, only thing that spreads faster round here than disease is gossip." Bailey stated. "So have you?"
"Not yet."
Bailey quirked an eyebrow at him. "So why are you surprised that Grey blew you off?"
"It was just a drink" Derek defended.
Bailey just looked at him disbelievingly. "You so damn stupid."
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Meredith was in no better a mood in the morning as she frustratedly yanked on her scrubs and slammed her locker shut. Izzie and George were sensibly staying out of her way after being snapped at when they asked if she was ok. This whole 'taking time' business was getting to her now. When she'd told Derek he needed to think about it and make sure he was certain about his decision, she hadn't given any thought to how long he'd take. But two weeks felt like two years – she just needed to know, one way or the other, so she could move on with her life, because being in limbo sucked! Even if he did decide to go back to Addison, it would hurt like hell but it would be better than not knowing and feeling like this. She couldn't do anything about it though, which was the worst thing – it was out of her control, and she hated things not being in her control. She couldn't rush him, he had to make the decision on his own without interference from her…so she was stuck, in this nightmarish limbo until he made up his mind.
Meredith sighed as she headed out of the locker room to meet Bailey for rounds. To begin with after Addison had showed up it hadn't been too bad - she'd worked with Derek on a few good cases and spent time with him at the hospital, and it didn't feel weird. But as time had gone on she'd noticed Addison's presence more. She'd seen her talking to Derek, and even though the pinched look on his face said he wasn't particularly happy about it, they were still there in front of her. So far she'd avoided being put on Addison's service but she was pretty sure that her luck would run out on that one sooner or later.
Following the other interns as Bailey led them to their first patient, Meredith groaned as she realised it was a Neuro case. She avoided Derek's eyes as she shoved her hands in her lab coat pockets and stood next to Izzie and Cristina.
"Dr Bailey, Henry Lamott, age 42, is scheduled with Dr Shepherd for a spinal implant to control the pain of his herniated disk. Is allergic to all pain medication…" Cristina began presenting but paused when something on the TV caught her eye. "Is that…?"
"Porn" Mrs Lamott confirmed casually.
Bailey did a double take as she looked up at the TV. "Porn? As in Porn?!"
Alex smiled as he looked up at the screen. "All right, what are we watching?"
"Karev, go stand in the hall!" Bailey snapped before turning her attention back to the Lamotts. "Mr and Mrs Lamott, I'm sure you are really nice people, and what you do in the privacy of your own…look we can't have porn in here. This is a hospital."
"It's for my pain. My doc said it releases endorphins in the brain and helps keep my pain at a manageable level."
"Really?" George asked distractedly, staring at the screen.
Bailey glared at him. "George – hall!"
"What is this?" Izzie asked.
"Nasty, Naughty Nurses, um…4" Mrs Lamott supplied.
Meredith, Cristina and Izzie tilted their heads to the side as they regarded the new position the actors were now in on the screen.
"That does not look comfortable." Cristina commented.
"Trust me, it's not" Meredith replied.
Derek's eyebrows rose at Meredith's comment and he smirked as he looked up at the screen to see the position she was referring to. He didn't want to imagine her doing that with anyone else but he could definitely imagine her doing that with him. He needed to control his thoughts though as he was in a room full of people.
"Get in the hall!" Bailey snapped.
Out in the hall, the three of them leant on the wall outside the room, Cristina and Izzie smiling in amusement. Meredith felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and pulled it out.
Looking at the screen she recognised the number – Roseridge. She sighed as she realised she couldn't ignore it and flipped it open. Bailey came out of the room a few moments later and quirked an eyebrow at Meredith being on the phone.
"Cristina, you're with Shepherd" she said before turning her attention back to Meredith. "Grey, is rounding interfering with your social planning?"
Meredith pulled the phone from her ear and looked helplessly at Bailey. "It's erm, the care home."
Bailey's face softened and she nodded. "Catch up with us when you can" she told her, motioning to the other interns to follow her.
Meredith sighed when the call finished and she flipped her phone shut. The woman at the care home had said her mother was being 'very difficult' and they wanted her to come down there and talk to her. Wasn't that what she was paying them for – do deal with her mother's 'difficult-ness'? They didn't seem to understand that being a surgical intern meant that the hospital owned her and she couldn't just pop over at the drop of a hat whenever her mother had one of her tantrums. Being a grown up really wasn't much fun sometimes.
"So, you've really done that?" Derek's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.
"What?" she asked, looking over to him. His smirk and the twinkle in his eyes told her what he was referring to. She rolled her eyes as she replied, "I experimented a lot in college."
Derek smiled in amusement, but that turned into a frown as Meredith began to walk away. He placed his hand gently on her arm and pulled her back around to him. "Meredith…" he spoke softly.
Meredith gave him a pained expression. She couldn't deal with him flirting or being nice to her right now, not when her mind was full with divorce papers and mothers – her brain couldn't handle anything else. "You've got a wife" she sighed.
"Yes"
"Your life is complicated."
"Yes"
"I can't do complicated right now. I have complicated all on my own."
"Yes"
Meredith glared at him. "Stop saying yes."
"I'm trying not to make any sudden movements" Derek teased, his eyes twinkling.
"You think this is funny?"
"Addison's leaving. She doesn't have any more patients here. There's no reason for her to be here."
Meredith quirked a sceptical eyebrow at him. "No reason?"
"None whatsoever" Derek assured her.
The stubborn part of Meredith's brain wanted to respond with 'prove it' or 'why haven't you signed the papers yet then?'. She didn't get chance to say either however as Addison showed up and interrupted them.
"Well, isn't this cosy. Can I join in or are you not into threesomes?"
Meredith glanced up at Derek. "I have to go."
"You know you really are Satan" Derek scowled at Addison before hurrying to catch up with Meredith.
"Meredith. Meredith…" he called, coming to stand in front of her to stop her from leaving.
"Derek…"
"Meredith, are we ok?"
Meredith saw the concern and insecurity in his eyes and felt a little guilty for being off with him. But he couldn't keep sticking his head in the sand. "Derek…if you don't see that whether Addison stays or goes isn't the point, then…" She trailed off not wanting to finish that sentence. "I have to go find Bailey". Meredith stepped around him and walked away down the hall. This time Derek didn't try to stop her, instead he watched, hurt and confusion etched on his face, as she disappeared around the corner.
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Thankfully for Meredith, she ended up on a case with Bailey, which served somewhat to distract her from her problems. She liked their patient – Jeremiah, a 25 year old guy with cystic fibrosis who'd had far more than his fair share of health problems and surgeries in his young life. Despite his condition, he ran marathons, climbed mountains and lived life to the full, not letting his life be ruled by a disease. He also remained forever positive and never gave up, and for that Meredith really respected him. She thought she could do with being a little more like that.
Her patient only provided a distraction for so long though as her luck at avoiding working with Addison came to an abrupt end when Bailey spotted a complication on Jeremiah's pre-op scans, that caused her to request Addison's assistance during surgery. And so, one hour later Meredith stood in the OR, side by side with Addison, retracting as her and Bailey set about repairing Jeremiah's diseased and damaged organs. She glanced at Addison over the top of her surgical mask as she worked – there was no denying she was a brilliant surgeon and she could see why men would find her attractive. She was tall, beautiful and smart – a winning combination by anyone's estimate. Meredith couldn't help but think though that as smart as she was, she was also incredibly stupid. What sane woman who had Derek, and not just had him – was married to him, would cheat on him and risk losing him. She knew without a doubt that if Derek were hers, nothing and no one in the world could convince her to do something that would hurt him or take him away from her.
Meredith stopped thinking about Addison though when the heart monitor started beeping and Jeremiah flatlined. She stepped away from the table as Bailey administered CPR, pounding on his chest and willing her young patient, who she'd known since she was an intern, to survive. Her efforts were in vain though as Jeremiah couldn't be saved, and Meredith watched in sadness as her Resident reluctantly called time of death and walked crestfallen out of the OR. She felt bad for Bailey – she'd lost patients she'd grown fond of, but for Bailey it must be far worse as she'd known Jeremiah for years. She felt worse though for Jeremiah himself – he was three years younger than her and now he was dead. He'd fought his whole life and overcome so much – he deserved to live. As a doctor, she knew that these things happened and that they were inevitabilities of life and of the limitations of medicine. Even though she knew that, she still felt that it was greatly unfair.
After pulling off her surgical gown, Meredith entered the scrub room where Bailey and Addison were scrubbing out. Bailey looked on the verge of tears - she'd never seen her Resident look like that before. She wanted to say something but couldn't think of anything that would offer her any comfort right now. Bailey didn't say a word as she dried her hands, tossed the paper towel in the bin and left the scrub room, leaving Meredith alone with Addison.
Meredith felt suddenly awkward as she began scrubbing her hands – this was the first time she'd been on her own with Addison since she'd arrived. Jeremiah's problems definitely put hers into perspective but she couldn't help the feeling of stress and anxiety returning at standing in awkward silence, in a confined space, with the wife of the man she was in love with. She glanced over at Addison, who seemed to be feeling equally as awkward, but she couldn't tear her eyes away as she watched Addison slip her wedding rings back on her finger. She'd never noticed them before, but then again she had spent the past two weeks doing her best to avoid her.
Addison noticed what had caught Meredith's attention and sighed as she took a step closer to her. "Look, I don't want someone who doesn't want me Meredith. But if there's the slightest chance that he does, I'm not leaving Seattle."
Meredith stared as Addison left and the door swung closed behind her. So Addison was staying to fight for Derek…well that was just the icing on the top of her very crappy day. Her mind was so full right now she couldn't even think straight. A small little part of her brain was trying to remind her that Addison had cheated, that Derek had told her that his marriage had been over for years and he'd never had the kind of all consuming love with her that he'd promised his dad he'd find. It was trying to remind her of how incredible the past three months with Derek had been, the way he looked at her and how it felt when they'd kissed. But that part of her brain was being drowned out by the more insecure part of her brain that said she couldn't match up to Addison and what was three months compared to eleven years? That part of her brain was starting to think she'd imagined that Derek had been just about to tell her that he loved her.
Meredith covered her face with her hands and sighed. Today had been awful and she needed to get out of the hospital. She needed tequila and she needed her bed. After trudging to the locker room, she tiredly pulled off her scrubs and tossed them into her locker, replacing them with her street clothes. Grabbing her things she hurried downstairs, wanting to avoid as much human contact as possible. She almost made it to the entrance without having to speak to anyone when a familiar voice calling her name stopped her in her tracks. She could just ignore him and carry on, but she figured he'd just follow her anyway.
Derek spotted her the moment he stepped off the elevator - he'd recognise her anywhere. He'd been distracted all day, he hated the look of sadness he saw in her eyes earlier and her not letting him be there for her. He couldn't let her leave without trying to make sure she was ok. "Mere, Meredith…" he called, chasing after her for the second time that day.
"Derek…I'm tired" Meredith sighed, turning around slowly. She felt a pang of sadness as she looked up into his eyes and saw the hurt there at her pushing him away.
Derek reached for her hand and, ignoring her protests, pulled her over to the waiting area and down onto the seats. "Mere, are you ok? Have I upset you? Because if I have, tell me and I'll make it better."
He hadn't let go of her hand and Meredith could feel the heat from his touch in every fibre of her being. She looked at him sadly, "No Derek, you haven't upset me. You're taking time - you're doing what I asked."
"But?" Derek probed gently, knowing she was holding something back.
"But…" Meredith paused, she wanted to ask him to put her out of her misery, to tell her how much longer he needed to decide whether or not to sign the papers. But she didn't. "…never mind."
"Meredith?" Derek called helplessly as she got back up and started walking away.
Meredith stopped and turned back to look at him, regarding him for a few moments. "What was I to you? Was I just a girl to help you get over being screwed?"
Derek's eyes flashed as he got up and stood in front of her – he hated her use of the past tense, like she didn't believe his feelings for her were current. "Mere...everything I said that night in your room, still holds true" he told her emphatically, needing her to understand that there was nothing at all past tense about his feelings for her. "You were like coming up for fresh air. It's like I was drowning and you saved me. That's all I know."
Meredith looked into his indigo irises, that were so expressive, and she saw sincerity and hope there. She looked away though knowing that it didn't matter how sincere he was if the divorce papers weren't sighed. She gave him a small smile and nodded before turning again and leaving him standing there as she walked out of the hospital and across the parking lot.
Derek let out a deep sigh as he slumped back down into the chair. Meredith's eyes had told him the words she didn't say – it wasn't enough. As much as he loved her and cared about her, it wasn't enough whilst he was still married. She was right. It was unfair to her – it was unfair to everyone involved in the situation, and that was his job to fix.
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Meredith used every ounce of her willpower not to turn around as she walked to her car. She laughed ironically when she saw Derek's car was parked right next to hers – it was like the universe was determined to torment her. Instead of getting into her car, Meredith sank down onto the curb in between the two cars, needing some fresh air to clear her head. She really hoped Derek made up his mind soon because this waiting – really not fun. This was why she didn't do attachments or relationships. It was typical of her Meredith thought, that the one man she decided to fall for (not that she'd had much of a choice in the matter) not only happened to be her boss, but also married. She knew though that she was far too far gone with her feelings for Derek for there to be any going back. And she didn't want to go back - she'd never regret meeting him, or the time they'd had together, regardless of whatever happened next.
She went to stand up but a whimpering noise caught her attention. Meredith ducked her head down to where the noise was coming from and saw a scruffy little dog hiding under Derek's car. "Hey" she said softly, holding her hand out to him. The dog eyed her nervously, unsure of what to make of her. "It's ok" Meredith soothed. After a few minutes the dog tentatively crawled towards her and licked her hand. Meredith smiled and gently stroked the fur on the dog's head. He didn't have a collar and now he wasn't hidden under the car she could see he looked pretty scrawny. He must be a stray, Meredith thought sadly.
Meredith looked at the dog, who was now happily sitting next to her while she petted him, and felt an affinity with him. He was lost and alone, much like she was feeling at the moment. Standing up she made a spontaneous decision. "You want to come home with me?" Meredith asked and opened her passenger door. The dog pricked his ears, looking curiously between her and the car, and after a moment, trotted over and jumped in. The dog stared at her, panting happily as she got in. "Well, seeing as how we're at the hospital and I found you under Derek's car, I'm gunna call you Doc."
AN: So taking time is starting to get to Meredith, and Derek is starting to understand the toll it's taking on her, even though it was her idea. Please review :) Chapter 11 to follow soon!