Zoom in to the lead racers proceeding towards the city of Birmingham, via concurrent Interstates 20 and 59. The lead pack, so to speak, is a group of five, spread out by a total distance of three miles.
[Welcome back to the Wacky Races, folks, and since we last saw you, the order of the leaders has changed around!]
The cameras began by focusing on the new leader... who was once the old leader of today's race.
[Davey Edison Jr., in the Formula Firebird, has shown off his superb speed as he's rocketed back to the lead!]
But just a quarter-mile behind...
[And in second place is a pair we haven't talked about all day. Surviving the early multi-car pile-up with minimal damage, it's Number 8, piloted by Slim and Slom, the Pickings brothers!]
"Keep pouring eet on, brother," barked Slim, who was driving. "We need to catch ze Edison!"
A full mile back of the leader is the third-place machine, another survivor of the earlier wreck, the MAD Mobile.
[Presidential Candidate Alfred E. Neuman is back in third! And the MAD Mobile looks as good as new! But how?]
The narrator got his answer, as Handy Manny stuck his head out the passenger-side window, along with all of the tools in his toolbox.
[Oh, look! It's this week celebrity MAD guest stars, the cast of 'Handy Manny!']
"You know our motto!" Manny proclaimed. "If you break it, we fix it!"
The tools cheered, jumped up and down in excitement. Suddenly, a brief gust of wind blew the flat-head screwdriver, the pliers, and the monkey wrench out of the van, tossing them onto the side of the room. Manny and the other tools looked back to see if they were okay. Once Manny saw the three fallen tools get up, he waved goodbye.
"Oh well. We can buy new ones later. Right, amigos?"
Pat, the hammer, responded. "Yep. And they call me the dumb one! I'm the only one that's been around since the first day! Ha!"
Meanwhile, the three abandoned tools were soon passed by the fourth- and fifth-place racers on the road.
[Number 6, the Redcoat Special, is yet another car I'm surprised is still running, much less this high up. King George, how did you get off the hook at the repair shop?]
"With tact, yon fool. We offered everyone in the shop these!"
With his free hand, King George held up a 'British Royal Guard Swimsuit Model Calendar.'
"For some reason, those Yanks were into that snuff!"
Near the back of the ship, the three Georges were browsing through the calendars themselves. Suddenly, a cry of revulsion came out from two of them.
"Blimey, George, why?" one of them asked.
"You didn't cover everything, you dolt!" the second exclaimed.
The third, who was on the September page, posing in nothing but a Speedo, blushed with embarrassment.
"The economy hits everyone hard! I did what I had to to feed me family, you dunderheads!"
[Meanwhile, looks who's lurking in the shadow of the Number 6! It's Ice King, in... half of the Double Zero?]
Sure enough, Ice King was driving on the interstate, in a car half the size of that which he started with yet still had four wheels on it. Also, noticeably, Gunter was nowhere to be seen.
"Never knew I could split this baby into two, did you?"
[Ice King, you rapscallion! Where's the other half?]
The answer? It was with Gunter, who was lying back and letting that half auto-pilot itself. Suddenly, it pulled off to the side, stopping next to a traffic information sign. The penguin got out, waddled a few feet away so he could look up and get a clear look of the message being displayed. It currently read, 'Accident Exit 124. Three right lanes blocked. Thru traffic detour use I-459.'
In fact, the exit for Interstate 459 was less than a mile away from that sign. But this was where the Ice King's latest plan would come to fruition. Gunter was holding a giant cellular phone, like those from the 1980s, and used it to make a call.
"Wenk wenk wenk, wenk wenk!" he told the person on the other end of the line.
In an instant, the information on the sign changed. It now read 'Accident I-459. Three right lanes blocked. Thru traffic detour use I-59.'
"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," chuckled Gunter, evilly.
[Wait, Ice King! You're using outside help?]
"Fans in high places are ALSO an ice wizard's best friend!" exclaimed Ice King.
Back at the front, Gunter was hunkering down inside his half of the Double Zero. One by one, the racers sped by. They saw the sign and followed its botched advice, with the Formula Firebird, the Appalachian Aircar, the MAD Mobile, and the Redcoat Special each keeping straight and not taking the off-ramp to Interstate 459, which bypassed downtown Birmingham to the south.
Meanwhile, Ice King stopped to reconnect his half with Gunter's, and then they proceeded to take the 459.
[Well, it looks like the Ice King has bamboozled the leaders, sending them towards Alabama's famed Malfunction Junction and a mess of a traffic jam!]
Little did Ice King and Gunter know that immediately after they left, the information sign changed back to the correct information.
The four leaders started to see traffic pick up as they entered the city limits of Birmingham, then quickly slowed to a crawl at Exit 121, three miles short of I-59 & I-20's interchange with I-65, also known as the Malfunction Junction.
"This wasn't the information I was given," noted Davey aloud.
"Zis traffic needs to move eet," growled Slim and Slom, simultaneously.
"I order thee to part," commanded King George, "in the name of the King of England!"
While they were stuck with nowhere to go, the Absolute Chill was cruising along I-459, now comfortably back in the lead.
"Those fools all ought to be stuck, or getting close to being stuck, by now," Ice King commented. "Time for a break."
Ice King pulled off to the side of the road, and then turned off the engine.
[Wait, a break? Are you serious?]
"YES! I didn't get my ten hours last night! Right, Gunter?"
Gunter raised a flipper to agree. "Wenk!"
With that, Ice King lowered his seat backwards so he could take a quick nap.
[Wow. Never thought Ice King to be so confident as to want to nap.]
He and Gunter were quietly snoozing away when another one of the Wacky Racers passed by. It happened to be Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel. The hole in its tail had been patched up with some off-color wood, as was a smaller hole in the stomach, near the cockpit windshield.
[Thanks to Ice King's siesta, he has no clue that Andy and Fawna have passed him to take over the lead!]
"I don't know what's wrong with their car," Andy thought aloud, "but I'm glad for their bad luck. Right, Fawna?"
Fawna tapped the floor with her front right hoof once, agreeing with him.
Back with the Malfunction Junction group...
[Meanwhile, it looks like these four haven't moved an inch!]
"Enough of dis tomfoolery!" declared Slim. "Slom, press ze button!"
"Pressing ze button," shouted Slom.
Slom pressed the button on the control panel labeled 'B.' Suddenly, bat wings sprouted from each of the doors of the Number 8 machine. The wings started flapping, and the Appalachian Aircar was lifted up into the sky, above the bumper-to-bumper traffic. The other three Wacky Racers stuck in the jam could do nothing but watch as the Pickings brothers flew away, flying above the highway. They reached the accident site, where local police were moving those involved to the shoulder to allow more traffic to pass.
"Good zing we had zese installed yesterday!" said Slim, in relief.
They searched for an opening in traffic after the incident, and landed back on the highway, where they could resume the race on four wheels. A few minutes later, the 9, the 3, and the 6 felt traffic loosening up a little bit, until they passed the accident itself, where everything was flowing freely afterwards.
"Pour on the power," King George ordered his shoulders. "There's still time to win this race!"
Davey and Alfred did the same in their individual race cars, speeding a little in order to make up for lost time.
Back with the napping Ice King...
[Wow. I... I guess he really doesn't want to win this week.]
Suddenly, another of the Wacky Racers came roaring by.
[Here comes Kevin Levin, throwing caution to the wind, apparently.]
He passed by while in the right lane, going so fast and hanging so close to the shoulder that the Absolute Chill shook as the 11 went by. The shaking got Ice King's attention, waking him from his slumber.
"Huh, what, where, who was that?" he asked as he sat up in his seat.
He rubbed his eyes and focused them just in time to see Kevin Levin's car speeding off into the distance.
"Blast!" he cursed. "How long were we out? The 11 just passed us!"
He leaned over to the passenger seat and attempted to wake Gunter, who had not been awakened by the close call. Finally, after a few attempts, the penguin opened his eyes.
"About time, Sleeping Beauty! Quick, pull out the map! We need to find a shortcut!"
Gunter nodded in compliance. He got the map from the glove compartment and started his search. Meanwhile, Ice King started the engine, and he pulled back onto the highway.
[Let's take a look at our radar to figure out where all of the racers are.]
The radar was showing five dots coming up from the center bottom of the screen, and five more dots coming from the center left. They all met in the middle, at which point all of the dots began moving towards the right.
[Whoa! Business has picked up as the racers turn towards the treacherous inclines of the Appalachian Mountains!]
A ten-car field was making their way eastward along Interstate 20, staying mostly single-file and only changing lanes to get past slow-moving trucks in the right lane.
"What's with all this traffic today?" grumbled an irate King George. "Don't these people know to get out of the way of a Wacky Race?"
[Number 4, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, started this climb as the leader. But that big wooden monstrosity is having trouble getting up this steep hill, and it's being passed by other racers on its left.]
Sure enough, cars were going by one at a time. It started with the 8, then the 5 and the 11 right afterwards. Inside the Number 4, Andy was pushing the gas pedal all the way down to the floor, while Fawna was gnawing at her seatbelt.
"Could you not do that, Fawna?" Andy asked nicely after noticing what she was up to.
But Fawna kept at it, until she finally chewed through it. She hopped out of her seat and ran out of the cockpit.
"Fawna! What did I say about moving in a moving vehicle?"
Fawna sprinted backwards, towards the tail. The vehicle's engine was located there, and by the sound of it, it was sputtering. Fawna got next to her, reared back, and kicked the engine's protective case with her hind legs. She repeated it again and again and again until, finally, on the sixth kick, the engine roared loudly, apparently tapping into some inner reserve which was hidden away. Back up front, Andy could feel the Trojan Flying Squirrel pick up some speed. Not enough to regain the positions it had lost, but enough to stay at a decent clip and prevent anyway else from going by.
[Number 4 is keeping pace with the leaders, using Mad Deer Power!]
Fawna returned to the cockpit and took her seat.
"Way to go, Fawna! I knew this baby needed a little kick to really get motorin'!"
[Back at the tail end of the pack, it looks like a certain villain is stuck between a rock and a hard place! Or, in this case, between a converted galleon and a parade float!]
Ice King was beeping his horn constantly as the Redcoat Special was so wide that it was taking up both lanes going up the hill. Behind the Double Zero, Daffy Duck was being even more impatient, yelling soft obscenities at the monarch, for some reason.
"Come on, grandpa, out of the way!"
Daffy started beeping his horn himself, in an even more frequent and annoying pattern.
"Don't you start with me, duck!" Ice King barked, looking back at Daffy.
Ice King thought that he had settled it right there and then. But then a brick flew in out of nowhere, nearly hitting Gunter in the back of the head.
"What the frig? THEM'S FIGHTING WORDS!"
Ice King turned around and started firing ice bolts at Daffy's pickup. He dodged the first few and then prepared his own retaliatory strike.
"You're trying to freeze me? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
Daffy flung two more bricks at Ice King's car. One hit the left tail light, while the other hit the dashboard, just mere inches from Ice King's right hand.
"Oh, now it's on, beaky boy!"
Ice King let go of the steering wheel, forcing Gunter to hop over and try to keep the Absolute Chill straight while his master used his ice bolts to destroy the bricks being thrown at him by Daffy. Meanwhile, the Georges had heard the commotion and were looking over the stern of their ship.
"My king," the three shouted at their monarch in unison, "there's a lot of tomfoolery going on below!"
"This has gotten out of hand!" exclaimed King George. "Let's teach them not to ruin the spirit of the Wacky Race!"
The three Georges ran below deck and returned 30 seconds later with a cannon and two cannonballs. The Ice King and Daffy continued to go back and forth on the road below as the first ball was loaded.
"Fire when ready!" ordered King George.
The fuse was lit on the cannon, and the first ball was away. The cannon had been pointed at the Double Zero, but luckily, Gunter saw it in time and turned out of the way. It also missed the 1 car, which was traveling in the other lane.
"You're all against me!" shouted Daffy. "What did I ever do to deserve this hate?"
"I've got a list which I'll be glad to share," answered the Ice King, "IF YOU LET ME FREEZE YOU!"
He fired two bolts back, and Daffy dodged him. He stepped on the gas and passed by the Double Zero, moving into ninth place on the road. But Ice King was not about to give up right there and then. He prepared to shoot once more, while up aboard the Redcoat Special, the Georges were getting ready to fire their second and final cannonball. Both let their projectiles fly at the same time.
Daffy had his eye on the Ice King and dodged his attack, but did not see or hear the second cannonball, which landed square in his truck's front grill, destroying it and damaging the engine enough to kill it. Meanwhile, Ice King's bolts ended up hitting several of the real wheels on both sides of the Number 6 machine. With no rear traction, the former galleon started slowing down to the point where it stopped. It then proceeded to roll backwards down the hill, slamming right into the moving Double Zero and the stationary 1 car, both of which had nowhere to go.
What was left was, frankly, a mess.
[And that pretty much will end the day for these three race cars.]
The occupants of all three vehicles emerged from the wreckage. And none of them were happy.
"Drat, drat, drat!" cursed Ice King.
"It's your fault for driving like an old man, grandpa!" Daffy insulted him.
"At least he's not a maniac, like you," growled King George.
"What do you know? You drive on the wrong side of the road everywhere, for pete's sake!"
As the three drivers continued to bicker like children, Gunter and the three Georges just stood off to the side, shaking their heads in disbelief.
"What a day," one of the Georges remarked.
"I'll say," added the second.
"Anyone want tea?" queried the third, pulling out a tea seat, complete with an already boiling pot of gray tea.
Gunter, despite not really being a tea drinker, shrugged his shoulders and took up the trio on their offer.
"Wenk wenk wenk wenk wenk," Gunter snickered, before taking a sip from his cup.
The remaining contenders, now off of the highway, were seen passing by the sign indicating the entrance to Talladega Superspeedway. Once on the grounds, they followed a bunch of signs added just for this Wacky Race to lead them onto the track.
[Looks like the leaders have arrived at Talladega! Only four miles to go until someone claims today's Wacky Race trophy!]
Seven cars speed onto the track, single-file. They make their way onto the track at the entrance to Turn 3, staying below the yellow line throughout the curve, as they were not all up to speed.
[Once the cars come out of Turn 4, they can merge onto the track on their way to the tri-oval. When they get to the line, there will be one lap to go!
The racers try to hold their position! The Appalachian Aircar is still upfront. The Candy Corn Carriage sits in second. Then it's the Chick Magnet in third, then the MAD Mobile, the Trojan Flying Squirrel, the Formula Firebird, and even the Muskrat 5000 is still in contention in the final few miles!]
"Time to leave eet all on zee track!" exclaimed Slim.
His brother, Slom, nodded, for pushing the 'N' button on the control panel. That activated the nitrous boost in their car. But they were not the only ones making adjustments, as a lot of the other cars were also employing ways to get some extra speed out of their vehicles.
[The cars have merged onto the track, and are now going through the tri-oval! The crowd is on their feet as seven Wacky Racers approach! Out of the tri-oval they come and to the start-finish line; white flag is in the air!
Number 8 is already pulling away from the pack, while Kevin Levin jumps to the outside of Princess Bubblegum, trying to grab second! Into the 33-degree banking of Turn 1!]
"Give it all you got, baby," Kevin said, using his left hand to hold the steering wheel while his right caressed the dashboard.
[Davey Edison Jr. might have the fastest car, but can he get from sixth to first in one lap? He's got one spot, easily by the Number 4.]
"Go time!" Davey told himself, shifting into fourth gear.
[Down the backstretch they go, the Pickings brothers still leading, but Kevin Levin's running them down! Princess Bubblegum in third; the top three are now single-file! Back behind, the 9 and the 3 fight for fourth!]
Inside the Candy Corn Carriage, Princess Bubblegum kissed her hand, then pressed it down on a palm print screen sensor located next to the radio. The voice of Peppermint Butler filled the air.
"Love power, GO!"
The princess' carriage got a temporary horsepower boost, which she needed in order to get to the front in a hurry.
[The leaders into Turn 3, Bubblegum trying to go high! Pickings twins have their car hugging that yellow line as if their lives depended on it, with Levin right behind them... and the Number 9, now in fourth, trying to run them all down!
The 5 is moving, but she doesn't have any help... now the 11 moves up in front of her! 3 still ahead coming out of Turn 4, but the 11-5 tandem is moving up top! The 9's right behind; it will have a say in this!
The Pickings twins and Kevin Levin are side-by-side in the tri-oval. Edison trying to sneak in under Bubblegum, who's sticking to Levin's back bumper! Final few hundred feet, they come to the line, and the winner is...]
The four cars whiz by the finish line, with the 11 and the 8 neck-and-neck for the win, and the battle for third between the 5 and the 9 too close to call as well. The 3, the 2, and the 4 finish fifth through seventh not too long after.
[Whoa! We may have to go to the replay monitor to decide this one!]
A slow-motion replay was enacted, as the officials watch live with the viewers to see the finish, one one-thousandth of a second at a time. The frames play by...
[And the winner of the Wacky Race, by a nose... Number 11, the Chick Magnet! Number 8, the Appalachian Aircar, takes a close second.]
The replay continued until the last podium position could be determined.
[And again, by a nose, third place is awarded to Number 9, the Formula Firebird!]
Twenty minutes later, the top three were on the podium in the infield, celebrating the results to the loud cheers and roars from the large crowd.
[And there you have it, folks! On the fastest oval in the world, the margin of victory was three, count it, three one-thousandths of a second! Congratulations, Kevin Levin, you needed to race all 140 miles of today's course to get this one!]
Kevin flashed a smug smile after his victory. When asked about how difficult he thought this Wacky Race was going to win, he responded...
"Easy as pie."
[And with that, we come to the close of yet another Wacky Race, one filled with more crashes than we're used to, but still had drama all the way to the final few feet of racing! And while one racer indulges in the spoils of victory, several others are heading home today with broken race cars and tons of thinking to do if they want to win the next Wacky Race!]
Zoom in back to Interstate 20, where the Double Zero was the last of the vehicles in that three-car wreck on the uphill incline to be towed away from the scene.
"We were so close!" grumbled Ice King. "If only we hadn't taken that nap, we would've won! Darn it, darn it, DARN IT!"
He started kicking pebbles and dirt off of the side of the road in frustration. Gunter, meanwhile, was still finishing off the tea he had been offered by the Georges, and seemed at his peace as his master went ballistic after a near miss.
For once, a Wacky Race ended without Gunter snickering at their team's misfortune.
** End Episode Five **