Poem written by Lisa L. Easterling

Sam felt as though he had kept his head down for hours. He rubbed at the throbbing pain in the back of his neck before he lifted his head up. It was then that he remembered why his head was down in the first place. The coffin.

Sam had attended too many funerals in his life but never had the coffin resting on the stage been that small. In fact, coffins shouldn't even be made that small and no parent should be attending their own child's funeral.

He turned to look at Jules, who still had her hand wrapped tightly around his. He could feel the cold metalic ring against his fingers. Oddly enough it slightly warmed him up inside. They had no words for each other, words were hard to come by at funerals. He didn't need her to say anything or do anything, he just needed her to be there.

It was safe to say that Sam had seen his sister at her worst over the years, but nothing could compare to how she felt today. He had fixed the odd grazed knee here and there and held her hand after numerous visits to the dentist but nothing he could do was going to help the way she felt now.

The priest made his way towards the stage and politely motioned for everybody to take their seat.

Ariel was sound asleep in her carrier whilst Casey sat quietly next to her mother. One of the hardest parts of Kiana's death was trying to explain it to Casey. She turned around to look towards Sam and for a brief second, she was able to smile. She couldn't possibly imagine how that small act of kindness could warm his heart.

I've lost my baby daughter,
Though not misplaced.
I feel she's somewhere
Bound by neither time nor space.
Perhaps she sits before the Throne
With radiant face.
She could be dancing happily
Like little girls do
With golden taps beneath
Each precious little shoe.
I know she must love music,
So I'm sure it's true.
I'm grateful that in Heaven
She is healthy and strong
And that she's lulled to sleep each night
By Heaven's song,
But I wish I could hold her;
Is that terribly wrong?
I sang so often to her
While she was with me
And I will go on listening
For her harmony.
How sweet to know
I'll hear it in eternity.

As much as he tried, there was no way to stop the tears from escaping Sam's eyes. He loved this child like it was his own and it made him sick to his stomach to know that something so innocent had been taken from this world too soon. It was moments like these that made him appreciate every single person in his life more.

At the end of the service, family members were asked to walk up to the coffin and place a rose on it. Honestly, Sam hated these cheesy little things they did at funerals to pass the time. He just wanted to say goodbye to his loved one and get out of there. But, out of a sheer sign of respect he walked up to the coffin, still holding Jules' hand and placed the white rose next to the small photo of Kiana. As he let go of the rose in his hand, he felt every part of his body fall weak and he felt as though his legs would give in at any moment. He took a moment to compose himself before he felt his left hand being squeezed. He found himself looking down into Casey's gorgeous blue eyes yet again. This time they weren't filled with fear or anger, no, they were filled with sadness and love. She slowly held up a small teddy bear, the same one that had been found next to Kiana's lifeless body. It was then that Sam realised she was too short to place the teddy on the coffin herself.

He gently picked Casey up and rested her on his hip. She leaned forward and placed the small bear on top of the roses. Casey then laid her head down on Sam's shoulder and cuddled him softly.

"Did she know how much I loved her Uncle Sam?" She whispered so delicately. Once again, showing signs of maturity well and truly beyond her age.

He turned slightly so he was looking her in the eyes.

"Your sister knew exactly how much you loved her, don't you ever forget that Casey" She nodded before Sam placed a light kiss on her forehead.

As Sam turned around it was then that he noticed his sister. He had tried as hard as he could to avoid looking at her and the guilt inside killed him. He couldn't look at her because deep down inside he blamed himself for her daughter's death.

Looking over the 7 stages of grief he knew he had passed the shock and denial stage, he was slowly moving on from the pain and guilt stage and now he was up to the blame stage.

He didn't have time right now to run over the situation in his head, instead he placed Casey back on the ground and joined the rest of his family at the wake.

It was here that he was finally able to introduce his parents to Jules, not quite the circumstances he wanted them to meet under but nevertheless it had to be done.

"I think they like you" Sam finally spoke. Jules was surprised to hear him speak after the day he had.

"And why wouldn't they?" She joked back, trying to lighten the mood as much as she could.

"You're right. Everybody will like you" He smiled before kissing her on the lips. He relished the moment because he knew that this feeling of utter happiness was going to be hard to find over the next few weeks.

*****

"Are you hungry?" Jules asked as she placed her keys down on the kitchen table.

"Not really, I think I'll just have a shower and go to bed" He kissed his fiancé once more trying desperately to show that the man she loved was still there. He was just going through a rough phase.

"After this is all over, you know we have a wedding to plan" He said smiling once again.

"Sam really, we don't have to rush. We can wait as long as you want..."

"I know baby...I know" He kissed her once more before heading upstairs to take a shower.

Jules found herself trying to keep busy, constantly cleaning and organising Sam's disastrous kitchen before she heard a knock at the door.

She opened the door slightly to see Maya standing there.

"Hey Maya is everything OK?" Jules asked

"I'm an unfit mother!" Maya spoke with a voice of pure anger and frustration.

"Child services took my kids off me because I'm an unfit mother!"