Dr. Wyatt, opens her door and sees Meredith and Lexie sitting in the waiting room staring straight ahead, in awkward silence. "Come in," she says, warmly, trying to make them feel at ease.
"Thank you, Dr. Wyatt for seeing me…us…I mean…" Meredith says.
"We really appreciate it," Lexie says, feeling as though she should say something.
"It's the least I can do. I am so sorry for what happened to you, Meredith. To you too, Lexie. Tell me, how have you been holding up?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I don't know," Meredith replies.
"Remember what I said about using 'I don't know' to avoid acknowledging how you feel?" Dr. Wyatt reminds her.
Meredith glances at Lexie. She suddenly feels embarrassed by this whole arrangement. She does not know what possessed her to bring her sister to her therapist. She decides to change the focus of the conversation to avoid her own feelings.
"Dr. Wyatt, I came here to talk about Sadie," Meredith points out.
"Go ahead, Meredith. This is your time. Talk to me about Sadie," Dr. Wyatt says.
"Sadie was the first best friend I ever had. I never really connected to people in high school. I mean, I kept to myself. I couldn't bring people over to my house because of my mother's erratic behavior, so I just opted out of a lot of the social things that other kids did. I slept around a fair share, but never got to close. Then, when I went to college, I had friends, but no one closest friend. I went out, I had a good time, but again…I never let anyone in too much. Everyone knew me, but no one really knew me. You know what I mean?" Meredith asks.
Dr. Wyatt nods and Lexi tilts her head sympathetically.
"When I graduated college I was pretty messed up. My mom was getting sicker, and everything seemed to be too much to handle. It hit me all of a sudden…I had two choices. Go to medical school and become my mother, or not go to medical school and give up my own dreams to avoid becoming my mother. When I ran off to Europe, I decided I was going to try to be someone else. Someone other than who I had been. When I got to London, I met Sadie. She had left home and was backpacking through Europe too. She was fun and crazy and did outrageous things like running naked through the mountains in the middle of the night singing Christmas carols in August. She was like no one I had ever met before, and even more important, she and I talked. We talked about things I never told anyone. I even told her my big secret…you know what I mean, Dr. Wyatt?"
"What big secret?" Lexie asks.
Meredith pauses for a moment. She does not want to share her biggest secret with Lexie. She knows she will see that pitying look in Lexie's eyes, and she knows she doesn't want to see that look right now, but Dr. Wyatt urges her to share.
"Meredith…if you hadn't wanted to share your secret with Lexie, you would not have brought it up. You clearly want to share on some level," Dr. Wyatt points out.
Meredith weighs her options, and decides that the power or Dr. Wyatt's persuasion is probably too great and since she will probably eventually give in, she decides not to fight it. She looks straight at Lexie and says, "My mother tried to kill herself. She slit her wrists right in front of me and told me to call 9-1-1. I had to sit on the floor and wait until she passed out before I could call for help. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I waited. I cleaned the blood up off the floor once the ambulance came and took her. Then I went up to bed and set my alarm clock and went to school the next morning and told no one," Meredith explains to Lexie, devoid of emotion, as though it were a stranger she were talking about and not herself.
Lexie's eyes ooze with sympathy and she puts her hand on Meredith's arm. "I never knew…I'm so sorry…I mean, that explains so much…Meredith…I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I just want you to know that…" Lexie pauses and Meredith interrupts.
"This is why I didn't want to tell her. It's the sympathy. I can't take it. She's just over the top!" Meredith says, addressing Dr. Wyatt instead of Lexie.
Lexie's eyes burn with tears. She feels like she can't do anything right. Dr. Wyatt turns to her. "I can see that Meredith's comments have hurt your feelings. It sounds like Meredith is expressing how uncomfortable she is with compassion towards her feelings. You seem to be comfortable expressing your emotions. Maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle. Let's have a code word. When you feel like gushing with sympathy for Meredith, you will say the code word, and Meredith will know that you mean that you are expressing your sympathy for her but it will be in a way that won't overwhelm her. How does that sound?" Dr. Wyatt asks both sisters.
Meredith nods in affirmation as does Lexie. "What should the code word be?" Lexie asks.
Meredith thinks for a moment. "I don't know…" she says, not feeling up to coming up with any ideas.
"Is there one specific thing that connects the two of you?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Other than Thatcher? Not really…and I don't think Thatcher would make a very good code word," Meredith says, acidly.
"We can come back to the code word in a few minutes. Meredith…you were talking about how you and Sadie connected through the sharing of your secret. Tell me more about your friendship with Sadie. Did she share things with you as well?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
Meredith nods. "She told me about her childhood. That her father used to beat her and her mother never defended them or tried to stop him. That she lived in constant fear. I understood that fear. The fear that you were going to come home to chaos and that you were powerless to stop it. Until Derek, I never knew that security meant that you came home to predictability. It's a whole new world," Meredith says, pausing to gather her thoughts.
"But Sadie wasn't predictable…" Dr. Wyatt prompts.
Meredith shakes her head. "No. She wasn't. She used to do the craziest things. Used to cut herself. Used to carve things in her arm. The time we went to the Eiffel Tower, she kept going on about how much she loved it and the next thing morning, she showed me that she had carved a picture of it on her shoulder with a razor blade. I kept asking her if it hurt, and she kept saying she didn't really feel pain anymore…I guess because of her father. The thing is…she never really mentioned a sister. I mean, once in a while she'd mention Amy in passing…you know…like 'when Amy and I went to the park,' or something unimportant like that…but never in any kind of capacity. Once she said that Amy might come out to Europe and join us but she never did. I didn't even know if Amy was younger or older than Sadie. Sadie and I were close…but I never knew anything about her sister. I just wish I knew what happened…" Meredith says.
Dr. Wyatt smiles kindly at Meredith. "Thank you for sharing, Meredith," she says.
Meredith silently groans. She hates when Dr. Wyatt says things like "Thank you for sharing." It just sounds so therapeutic and makes her feel more damaged than she already is.
"Lexie…tell me about your friendship with Sadie…" Dr. Wyatt says.
"Well…it was weird. Sadie was never the kind of person I'd become friends with, normally. But remember when you were in high school? If you were the new girl and you had no friends? Well, you might try to sit with the popular kids at first, but they'd never accept you right off the bat, so you'd sit with the table that would accept you, even if they weren't the people who you really wanted to be friends with. Then a few weeks later, when the popular kids find out that you made the cheerleading squad and think you're cool enough to sit with them, you actually realize that you like the friends that you originally were just kind of using to bide your time? That's kind of how I felt with Sadie. I was dying to be included by Meredith and I guess even her friends. But Sadie was the closest I could get. The other interns didn't really like me…I was 'Lexapedia' and I guess they thought I made them look bad. The residents hated me immediately because of Meredith. George was my friend until he became a resident and then that was over. So…Sadie was my only option. She was different…but she was nice to me when no one else here was. She was manipulative. I could see that…but I knew I let myself be manipulated. I wanted an excuse to be bad. To make the wrong choices. Maybe even to hurt Meredith…I don't know what I was thinking…" Lexie stops to gather her thoughts and then continues.
"There were red flags. She used to have these episodes. I mean, there was the time with Cristina…then there were other times. I would find her in the supply closet, rocking and shaking and crying and sometimes it seemed like she wasn't in reality. But she'd always brush it off afterwards and say she was okay. She was good at turning it around…you know what I mean? But that day when she held Meredith at gun point…it was just…I mean…she wasn't there. It wasn't Sadie. I mean she didn't even know who I was. We were supposed to study together. I was going to help her..and then…she kept calling me Amy and she was pointing the gun…and she…" Lexie stops and looks at Dr. Wyatt for guidance.
"Perhaps I can help you both. I have here, written consent from Sadie to share some details from her past which may shed some light on what happened. It might help you both to understand how she ended up in a place where she was so out of touch with reality that she did what she did," Dr. Wyatt says.
Both sisters wait silently for Dr. Wyatt to begin.
"At the hospital, Sadie asked me to tape her last session which occurred when she awoke in the hospital. She signed consent for you both to hear the tapes of her session. If you're ready, I'm going to play them now," Dr. Wyatt says.
Lexie glances at Meredith nervously. Meredith stares straight ahead at Dr. Wyatt who pushes play on her small tape recorder. Sadie's voice immediately fills the room.
"When did the abuse begin?" Dr. Wyatt's voice asks.
"I don't remember a time when it wasn't going on. My first memory is of spilling juice on the couch when I was 2. It was Christmas morning and I wanted to open my presents so I ran while holding a cup of juice. The cup had a cover on it but when I slipped and spilled it, my father came and beat me with his belt. Then they gave me my presents which made it weirder because they were both so nice when they were giving me my presents but I was still bleeding from his beating."
"That must have been very confusing for you," Dr. Wyatt says.
"At the time…yes. But I soon learned…I was never safe. If I didn't do anything wrong, he would create something. He was always angry. He'd hit my mother too…but only if she defended me…so she stopped soon. I guess she didn't want to sacrifice herself, so she sacrificed me. I wasn't the scared little child abuse victim either. I used to egg him on. I wanted to see how far he could go. Sometimes I was hoping he'd kill me. I used to sneak into his office and break things, hoping he'd find them and hurt me. I liked to see how much I could take…" Sadie explains.
"She sounds almost proud…" Lexie remarks.
"Yeah…she told me about most of that…" Meredith says, disappointed that she did not learn much new information about her friend.
Dr. Wyatt pushes pause in case they wanted to discuss any further, but they both grow silent again so she pushes play once again.
"But all that changed when I was 9. I found out that my mom was pregnant. I guess most kids are happy when they find out they are having a little sister…but I was terrified. It was hard enough keeping myself safe when I tried, but now I was going to have to keep this baby out of his path of rage. I felt burdened…" Sadie says.
"What happened when Amy was born?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I was pissed off. I was hoping for a boy. I was secretly hoping that it would be a boy who would grow to be 6 feet tall and kill my father when he grew up. But instead this tiny little girl was born. And Amy was born with Downs Syndrome. She was pretty high functioning for a kid with Downs, but she was definitely mentally retarded. My parents didn't want her. My mother could barely care for herself…let alone me. Now they were adding a special needs baby on top of it? I decided I would take care of her until they figured out what to do with her. I fed her…I changed her. I worried about her when I was at school and I used to sneak home sometimes at lunch to check on her. I knew she was safe because my dad was at work, but I worried that my mom would just forget about her. I used to play with her and teach her things. I was like her mom. I was only 10 years old, but I was her mom. I raised her!" Sadie says, her voice suddenly growing emotional where it had previously been flat.
"You felt like you were the adult in the home and that you had to care for her," Dr. Wyatt repeats.
"When Amy was 5, I was in high school. She started kindergarten in a special class at the elementary school. They were really impressed with how well she was doing. She had learned a lot, and my mother took all the credit when they praised her, but I didn't care, because I knew that Amy knew who took care of her. When she colored a picture at school she brought it home and I would tape it to my wall. I called it 'Amy's wall.' She'd give it to me and would say 'Is it good enough for Amy's wall?' and when I told her it was, her eyes would light up and she'd hug me."
"She sounds like a very sweet child," Dr. Wyatt says.
Sadie laughs bitterly. "My father didn't think so. He called her 'The Retard.' He blamed her for everything! If anything went wrong, he'd say, 'Well…if we didn't have The Retard, we could afford that!' or 'We could have nice things if The Retard didn't break them.' It used to hurt her feelings. She knew she was different. But I used to tell her that she was just special and that Retard wasn't a bad name. It was just a nickname and everyone had nicknames."
"Or McNames…" Meredith says, laughing inappropriately.
Lexie glares at her with watery eyes.
"Sorry…I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." Meredith says.
"Did he hurt Amy the way he hurt you?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
Sadie pauses a moment and her breathing is audible on the tape. "It was different. With me it was out and out anger. He'd beat the hell out of me and then storm out and slam the door. With her, he'd torment her. He got a kick out of scaring her. He used to lock her in the closet and bang on it with a bat because he knew she was scared of the dark and loud noises. He would do things like that more than physically hurting her. He was cruel…He didn't love her. With me, he hoped that one day I'd bring pride to him. I was smart. I'd amount to something and then everyone would know he had a successful daughter. With Amy, there was no hope of that. He hated her for shaming him…even though she tried so hard to please everyone."
"It must have been very difficult for you to watch him torment her that way…" Dr. Wyatt says.
"Yes. I started to distance myself when it would happen. I got very good at pretending I was somewhere else and someone else until it was over. I couldn't bare that I couldn't help her during those times, so I used to pretend I was Wendy Healy." Sadie says.
"Who was Wendy Healy?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"A girl I went to school with. Her mom and dad used to come in on her birthday and make cupcakes. I thought her life was perfect, so I just pretended I was in her house. I could tune out the yelling and the crying that way. Then when it was over, I'd come back to Amy and hug her and stay with her until she felt better. I used to tell her that Daddy was just playing but didn't know how to do it very well. That worked until she got older." Sadie says, with a hostile laugh.
"That was a huge burden for a teenager to uphold," Dr. Wyatt says.
"I got really good at pretending. I could make myself believe things. I sometimes believed I really was in Wendy Healy's house. And after…it…happened…I could sometimes make myself believe that Amy was alive…" Sadie says.
"That's not uncommon. It's called…" Dr. Wyatt begins.
"I know…Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know…I found out about it the last time I was hospitalized," Sadie says.
"Why don't you tell me about the night Amy died…" Dr. Wyatt says.
Sadie's voice grows harsh on the tape. "She didn't die. She was killed," she points out.
"I can see where the distinction must be very important to you. I'm sorry. Tell me about the night that Amy was killed," Dr. Wyatt says.
Sadie breathes deeply again. "I never told the story to anyone. Even the last time I was hospitalized…I told fragments of it. I told people my sister had died. But I never told them how. I told them my father abused us…but I stuck to the story…my parents were dead. Amy was dead. I don't know how reliving it was going to help me…but I'm going to try now…because…I can't believe what I did…to Meredith….to Lexie…to all of them. I don't want to be that person. I want to be someone else…" she says.
"Start at the beginning of the night…tell me what happened. We can go slowly." Dr. Wyatt says.
Lexie takes a deep breath and blurts out, "Please! Stop the tape!"
Meredith looks at her strangely, and Dr. Wyatt says, "Do you need a break, Lexie? This is very heavy information to process," she says.
Lexie nods. "I need a break! I'm going outside for some air," she says, bolting from the room.
Meredith stares blankly at Dr. Wyatt. "What should I do?" she asks.
"Why don't you go see if she's okay?" Dr. Wyatt suggests.
"What would I say?" Meredith asks.
"You don't have to say anything…just go sit with her…" Dr. Wyatt says.
Meredith stands up numbly and walks outside to the courtyard where she sees Lexie sitting under a tree with tears streaming down her face.
"Lexie…I'm not very good at this, but I wanted to see ummm…if you were okay," Meredith asks.
Lexie shakes her head. "I'm not okay! A year ago I was a happy girl with a happy family and a great life. And now, I'm an intern with a sister who can't figure out if she likes me or hates me, one friend in the world who held that sister at knife point, and now I'm going to have to go back into a therapists office and listen to that friend talk about how her mentally challenged little sister was killed," Lexie snaps at Meredith.
"Ummm…is there anything I can do?" Lexie asks.
"I need my mother! That's what I need! I need my mother…but she's dead. I'm not strong, and I'm not independent like you, Meredith. I need my mother…but I can't have her right now, so no, there is nothing you can do!" Lexie yells before putting her head in her hands and sobbing.
Meredith thinks about the tapes she just heard of Sadie's voice and the care she took of her little sister. It's the least I can do for Lexie….for Sadie…for everyone…she thinks.
She puts her arm around Lexie and feels Lexie's body heave with sobs. She hugs her tightly and waits for her body to stop shaking. When it finally does, Lexie looks up at her. "I'm sorry…" she says.
"For what?" Meredith asks.
"I know you don't like all the emotional stuff. I-I'm sorry…" Lexie says.
"Dr. Wyatt's right. We do need a code word. And I think I know what it should be…" Meredith says.
"What?" Lexie asks.
"Well…Dr. Wyatt said that we should pick the one thing that brought us together…I mean…other than Thatcher…obviously. Sadie brought us together…didn't she?" Meredith asks.
"So our code word is Sadie?" Lexie asks.
"I think that works…" Meredith says, smiling at her sister.
They sit for a moment until Meredith says, "Are you ready to go back in?"
"No…I don't think I need to hear anymore. I don't think I can do it…go ahead without me, Mer. I'll be fine," Lexie says.
Meredith waits and opens her mouth to speak but then closes it.
"What?" Lexie asks.
"Nothing…it's just that…" Meredith stops, unsure of how to say what she wants to.
"What?" Lexie asks again.
"It's just that…well…I need to hear the rest of those tapes to understand what happened to make my friend point a gun at me. And well…I could use a friend…a sister there when I hear the rest of it…but if it's too hard for you…I understand," Meredith says, nervously.
Lexie smiles. "Are you asking for my help?" she asks.
"I guess I am…" Meredith says.
"Come on. Let's go back to Dr. Wyatt," Lexie says.
As Lexie puts her arm around Meredith and walks back with her to Dr. Wyatt's office, Meredith feels a shift in their relationship. She feels it so strongly that it is almost physical. It is not just Lexie who needs her anymore. It is Meredith who needs Lexie just as much.
When they return to Dr. Wyatt's office, Dr. Wyatt smiles at them. "Everyone all right?" she asks,
They both nod and smile at each other.
"Are you ready to continue? If you'd rather come back…" Dr. Wyatt begins.
"We're ready," Meredith says and Lexie nods in affirmation.
Dr. Wyatt pushes play and they both brace themselves as they hear the click and static of the tape recorder. As Sadie's voice fills the room again, Lexie glances at Meredith who seems to be in a trance and stares straight ahead, watching the tape recorder as though it is Sadie herself.
"It was dinnertime. Amy and I were doing our homework. She was 12 years old. She was reading to me from 'The Cat in the Hat.' You know….the Dr. Seuss book? I had just finished college…locally, of course. I would never have gone away and left her alone with my parents. She was so proud reading that book. She kept saying, 'Look Sadie! I got all the words on that page!' and I kept telling her she was doing great. She was doing great. And then my mom called us for dinner. Amy went running to the table as quickly as she could, waving that Dr. Seuss book. I went into the kitchen to get plates and silverware because there were none on the table. I told Amy to sit at the table and wait for me. She did, but I must have taken too long for her because she ran into my father's office waving that stupid book and telling him she wanted to read it to him. When she waved that stupid book, she knocked over his most prized possession…that goddamned award from the American Surgical Association. He kept it on his desk, right on the corner…so he could see it all the time. It was like his real baby. Once in a while when he was feeling fatherly towards me, he'd take me into his office and let me touch it. He'd tell me that if I worked as hard as he did, I too could have a chance to earn one. Usually he'd end by telling me to stop spending so much time with The Retard if I was going to realize my true potential. When Amy knocked it over and it broke…he lost it. He went crazier than I've ever seen him go. My mother came running and saw him hitting her. They were at the top of the stairs. Amy was screaming…she was…"
Meredith and Lexie hear Sadie's taped voice catch. Meredith looks up at the ceiling trying to keep the tears that have filled her eyes from spilling onto her cheeks. Lexie who has tears freely falling down her cheeks looks at Meredith.
"Sadie…" she whispers, invoking their code word.
Meredith gives Lexie a tight lipped smile and squeezes her hand, letting her know that she appreciates her being there and trying to make this easier for her.
Sadie's voice starts to speak again, but it is difficult to understand her due to the fact that she is not sobbing and gasping for breath.
Dr. Wyatt's taped voice cuts in. "Sadie. Take your time. It's okay to talk about it…"
Meredith smiles ironically, remembering when Dr. Wyatt had said the same thing to her.
Sadie's taped voice continues still impaired with emotion, but slightly easier to understand.
"Amy was screaming. She kept calling my name. She kept saying 'Sadie! Help me!' And I ran to her. I tried, but he pushed me. He was so much bigger than me that the force of his weight threw me across the room. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It was scotch…that was the worst. He was the meanest when he drank scotch. My mother heard the commotion and she rushed to see what was going on. My father was swinging wildly and hitting her, me and Amy. I didn't care if he hit me or my mother. We always came out alright in the end…but poor Amy…she just wanted to read that damn book!"
The tape ends and Dr. Wyatt ejects it and replaces it with the next tape. This causes an uncomfortable silence in the room, as neither Meredith, Lexie or Dr. Wyatt can find it in themselves to speak. The sound of the tape ejecting is deafening. As Dr. Wyatt replaces the tape, she says, "Meredith…I am warning you that the end of this tape may be very difficult for you to hear. If at any time, you want me to stop, please just ask," she says.
Meredith nods numbly as Dr. Wyatt pushes play.
"I thought my mother would help me stop him, but instead she grabbed me and pulled me into the walk-in coat closet with her. She held me back while I listened to her screaming my name. I tried. I really did! I swear I tried to get out, but she wouldn't let go of me. I fought…I fought so hard!" Sadie's voice rises in pitch and borders on hysteria.
Dr. Wyatt's taped voice breaks in. "I believe you, Sadie. You wanted to save your sister. You couldn't break free. You tried…you did the best you could," she says, compassionately.
"He pushed her down the stairs. Apparently she hit her head and died on impact. The doctors said she didn't suffer, but she DID suffer. I heard her suffer. And they told the doctor that it was an accident. That she fell down the stairs. My father did the talking, but my mother didn't say anything. She let him lie," Sadie says, her voice tainted with bitterness.
"Talk to me about you. Tell me what you did after that night," Dr. Wyatt says.
"I ran. I got on an airplane. I booked a one way flight to London. I don't know why I picked London. I couldn't be in the same country as them and it was the only country where they spoke English, I guess…" Sadie says, sounding significantly less emotional.
"You must have been devastated," Dr. Wyatt says.
"No. I didn't cry at all. I didn't let myself think about it. I pretended I was Wendy Healy the whole way to the airport and that I was meeting some friends in London. When I got there, I checked into a youth hostel. That's where I met Meredith," she says.
"And that friendship had a profound effect on you, didn't it?" Dr. Wyatt says.
"It did. Meredith was different than anyone I had ever known. She was as damaged as I was, but differently. We were both unhappy in life but happy when we were together. She told me her secrets and I told her mine…or at least what I was able to accept as mine. I never acknowledged Amy's death. I did not mourn her, or tell anyone about it. I simply turned that part of myself off. I became someone else. Someone reckless…dangerous…I did crazy things and got tons of attention for them. Meredith was my side kick and she thought everything I did was outrageous. We had so much fun until the end of our trip…" Sadie says.
"What happened at the end of our trip?" Meredith wonders out loud.
"Meredith told me she was going to medical school. I told her there was no way in hell that I was joining her. The truth was, I was mad at her. Everyone in my life had disappointed me…and now, she was leaving and I was staying and she was abandoning me. I know it's not fair, but I was mad at her. And then, the night she left, two policemen came to my door and told me that my parents were dead. My father had killed my mother and then killed himself. That was it happened," Sadie says in a far away voice.
"What happened?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"That's when I did it…" Sadie whispers.
"Did what, Sadie?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I was alone. The police officers left and they asked if there was anyone they could call….I wracked my brain for anyone…but there was no one to call. My parents were dead, Amy was dead, and Meredith had just gotten on a plane back to the U.S." I was completely alone and there was no one to call. I tried to be Wendy Healy again and feel her perfect life, but the officer kept saying my name. He kept saying, 'Sadie…is there a family member…friend…boyfriend…anyone?' and it was as though he knew there wasn't but he wanted me to be aware of how alone I was. After he left was when it I did it…" Sadie says.
"Sadie…tell me what you did. And I want you to look at me. You're dissociating right now…" Dr. Wyatt points out.
"You're right. I am. I've never talked about this to anyone. I slit my wrists. I wanted to just take pills, but I didn't have any. Then I thought about Meredith's mother and I thought about Meredith going to medical school to become just like her…and how angry I was that she was going to start this whole new life and I was completely alone and that she never even suggested that I come back with her even though I wasn't going to medical school and I was just so angry. My anger was misplaced. Obviously Meredith wasn't the one I was really angry with…but it was easier to be angry with her than with my mother…or my father…or myself," Sadie says.
"Then what happened?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I had gone out to a bar and gotten really drunk and I actually slit my wrists on the way home. I just sat down on the side of a deserted road and did it. In the middle of a remote town in England, I slit my wrists. I figured no one would find me…I left a note…it was addressed to Meredith Grey because I figured no one else would care. But I didn't actually think she would ever get it. Until that stupid crowd of drunk college kids came driving by. Apparently, they found my lying on the side of the road, bleeding and their designated driver decided to call for help from a pay phone," Sadie says, not hiding her disappointment at being rescued.
"So how did you end up in Connecticut?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Well, when I got to the hospital in London, they saw my I.D. and realized who my dad was. They knew of his research and all of his medical accomplishments. I guess word of his murder/suicide hadn't hit Europe yet. The doctor had me transported by private plane to Silver Hill Hospital in Connecticut. I don't remember anything about the trip there or anything from the moment that the ambulance found me until about a week into my hospital stay. From what they tell me, I completely dissociated and couldn't even tell them my name. They got me on the right doses of medication which helped, but it took over a year before I was well enough to leave," Sadie says.
"When you did leave, what did you do?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Well, first I got an apartment with a few other girls who had just been released from the hospital. We helped each other, took our medication and supported each other. But it didn't feel right to stay there for too long. I don' t know…I wanted more. I joined the Peace Corps for a while, but that didn't work out either…" Sadie says, sadly.
"Why didn't it work out?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Well, according to the doctors at Silver Hill, in addition to Dissociative Identity Disorder, my father's abuse and Amy's murder had also left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have trouble with any kind of yelling or even mild violence. While I was stationed in the tribal regions of Africa, that wasn't really an excellent combination," Sadie says, wryly.
"So you got sent home?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Yes…our leader said she could see that I wasn't able to function up to par under the circumstances. I was taking my medication, but sometimes it was hard to get it refilled on time, so I'd go weeks without it and things would get bad. In the end, we both thought it was best if I went home…the problem was, there was no home to go back to…" Sadie explains.
"So what did you do?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I tried to do the right thing. I called my doctor from Silver Hill. I wanted to help myself. I didn't want to fall apart. He asked me if there was a time in my life when I felt safe? I couldn't think right then and there, but after the conversation, it came to me…the only time I had ever felt safe was that summer in Europe with Meredith. I felt physically safe…emotionally safe. I decided that I was going to find Meredith again and join her in medical school," Sadie says.
"And medical school was just a means to get back into Meredith's life or you truly wanted to become a doctor?" Sadie asks.
Sadie laughs loudly and inappropriately. "A doctor? No. I hate doctors. My father was a doctor. But I had to do something, and I was smart. Not book smart, but street smart. I threw my father's vile name all over the place and got admitted to Seattle Grace in about two minutes after crying about his tragic suicide after my mother's tragic death. I told a sob story about how I wanted a career in medicine to honor his life's work. All the while, I was laughing to myself. If they bought that sob story, what would they think of the real story…" she says, still laughing.
"This is hard for you to talk about…isn't it?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
Sadie's tone changes. "Yes…" she says, softly.
"How did you find medical school?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"Awful," Sadie says, not offering any elaboration.
Dr. Wyatt waits patiently until Sadie says. "All of them were like machines. Everyone already knew all the information. The residents were nasty if you didn't already know the answers, which I didn't. Even Meredith. I couldn't reconnect with her the way I thought I would. She was a resident and I was an intern, and I guess in medical school that's how we were defined. I mean, don't get me wrong…she was nice and all. She let me stay with her, but she kept me at arms length. It was like she had moved on from our misery and become someone else," Sadie explains.
Meredith twists her hair around her finger and then looks down at her feet avoiding eye contact with Dr. Wyatt and Lexie.
"But you had become someone else too, Sadie…hadn't you?" Dr. Wyatt asks.
"I guess you could say that I had in a way. I mean when I was taking my medication and going to therapy I did pretty well. But once my internship started and I wasn't keeping up, I had to stop taking my medication. It made me tired and I had to stay up for late night shifts. No one covers your ass in medical school. If you screw up it's every man for themselves. Well…except for Lexie Grey. She was the only person who helped me. She was smart as a whip. She knew all the answers, but she was careful not to make you look bad. She'd wake you up if you fell asleep in the on call room when you were supposed to be on rounds. And she'd stand up to that awful Dr. Yang when she yelled at you," Sadie explains.
Meredith glances at Lexie who can not tell if it is a look of admiration or a look or hostility.
"Let's talk about that incident with Cristina Yang…" Dr. Wyatt says.
"Not much to talk about…isn't it obvious? I had been up all night…I hadn't taken my meds in months…my defenses were down…and it was Amy's birthday. Yang ripped into me and my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder just got the best of me and I collapsed. Before that, I had been dissociating most of the time. It was easier. I was never the real Sadie. I was a rebel who didn't care what anyone thought of her. A nut who lets the interns cut her appendix out because she doesn't value her life or her health. I was a vengeful lunatic who tries to get Yang fired for making me flash back to that night. And I was a manipulative, awful friend who stole Meredith's diaries and those of her mother and sent them floating around the hospital in exchange for everyone's help in getting Yang fired. And I lived with myself during that time because none of it was actually me…" Sadie explains.
"Let's talk about the night you held Meredith at gunpoint…" Dr. Wyatt says.
"I can't. Dr. Wyatt…I can talk about anything but that…please…it's too…" Sadie pleads.
"Sadie…not talking about it doesn't mean it didn't happen…" Dr. Wyatt explains.
"She doesn't want to talk about it! Stop the tape, Dr. Wyatt! Stop the tape!" Meredith yells.
Startled, Dr. Wyatt stops the tape and looks at Meredith.
"This was my fault. It was all my fault. I failed her. I always fail! It's what I do!" Meredith says, choking on her words.
Lexie grabs both of Meredith's hands. "No you don't, Meredith. Sadie was sick. It wasn't your fault…" she says, tritely.
Meredith pulls away. "Get away from me! Leave now and don't look back or you'll find yourself on the floor of a living room on in a street or somewhere with a razor to your wrists too…that's what getting close to Meredith Grey does to people…" Meredith says, bolting from the room leaving Dr. Wyatt and Lexie staring at each other.
***
Okay everyone…I wanted to finish the session in this chapter but it was getting really long. I'll finish it in the next chapter…but only if I get reviews! I only got 5 reviews for the last chapter! I know it was Christmas and people were busy but PLEASE review this one…Let me know what you think…
Thanks! You're all awesome!!! Take care and keep reading!