AN: yeay - I real update!!! I am sooo sorry. The start of school and being cast in a show has over taken my life! AHHH! I've been dieing to update. You guys are so funny. I love the replies to my three sentence paragraph! Anyway- this chapter is a little B-day present for my girl down under Laura. Hope I didn't miss it. And I think my fanfic alert thingy is broken becasue I'm not getting anybodies updates. WTF! Is anybody else experiencing this???? I say fuck alot too. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I reread the last chapter to get into this one- yeah I say fuck a fuck'n lot. It's like that Sponge Bob episode where he and Patrick learn a swear word and a dolphin sounds everytime they say it. LOL- that's one of my favorite eppy's. Gotta love the Bob! Ok I'm gonan see how many of you know your Shakespeare with this chapter. The situation felt dramatic, so I had to add some William to the mix. Ok read!
The Shake of the Speare
Of course, I wasn't really put in a cell or taken to jail. I may have insinuated that part of the story a bit for dramatic effect. In retrospect I didn't really know where I was. Everything was numb: the voices around me, the pulse in my veins, the center of my being.
I was immediately asked for my side of the story, but it was jumbled.
"I don't know. She followed me in there. I don't know."
And then when I was asked why I had shot the gun I could barely mutter a reply.
"I…I …it was an accident. It …I did it, but I …I don't know. It was an accident."
I think the cop that drove me to the nearest station was as shocked as I was. Shocked in a different way. And I'm sure he wasn't the only one, because the one thing that I could think about in these lost moments of the after shock, was Elliot's deadened face starring up at me with question and disdain. It replayed ad nauseam in my mind.
"Elliot, I didn't…she was…there was a gun. I didn't do it."
The cop in the front seat looked back at me. "Olivia?"
I starred at the gray clouds through the car window sniffling and rationalizing. I tried desperately to slow the images in my brain to a normal pace. It was uncontrollable the guilt, and the horror. I lifted my hand to wipe my nose, but…. her blood. Her blood was on my hands. Tears covered my vision with spots of washy colors. Suddenly, I was sobbing.
"Olivia, hey, hey, use a tissue."
The man handed me a Kleenex and I looked at him for the first time. He knew me, but his face was like any other.
"You gonna be okay?"
No. I wasn't going to be okay, I just killed my …gosh, I didn't even know what to call him….partner…lover…best friend. I just killed his wife. I just killed his children's mother. The four things he holds dearest to his heart. I just killed their only mother.
I ignored the officer in the front seat and turned my face away. My guilty heart had just eaten my last shred of human feeling. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to be something else. Someone else.
When the car stopped I was taken into the station and put in my own little room. Nobody wanted to treat me like a murderer, but it was standard procedure and well, we all know how hard it is to be a cop under the gamut.
If they were lenient the system was corrupt. If they were hard on me and I ended up in jail- the system was corrupt. Even if I get out of this on top following every rule in the book, the media would still find ways to turn me into a monster; inevitably making the system…you guessed it, corrupt.
Where was my hero when I needed him? Huh…hero. What an archaic thought. Archaic but dually needed at a lonely desperate time like this. I held my head in my hand and softly spoke as if he were next to me. In spirit, Elliot, would always be next to me.
"Ah me, Elliot…how can I ever look at your honorable face again? I'm unbelievably doomed to live without you."
In my thoughts he would touch my hair and kiss the top of my head. "Liv, weep no more. I found the truth. You're going home. With me."
"I am?"
The door to the dark gray room would open and a bright light would shine in on our faces.
"Come, my Olivia, be whole again."
He would lift me off of the chair and take me out of the room where a white sedan would be sitting outside of the door with its' high beams on.
Beep Beep
Our friends and colleagues would all be there, cheering for our love to shine. The crowd would applaud and a crescendo of horns would sound into our cheesy parting theme music.
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
We'd go together like a ramma lamma lamma a ding a de ding-gah dong. The car engine would rev and as we leaned in for the final kiss our camera of life would zoom out in a perfect heart…then darkness.
I sat alone in that room for what felt like an hour, which is by far the worst thing to have to do after almost going into a mental break down. It's no wonder my thoughts were creating fanciful scenarios.
As I waited the incident was starting to come into focus. I questioned every detail and even though it was technically self-defense the fact of the matter is, I was the only one with a gun in my hand, and I could have prevented the blast had I just loosened my fingers. She was pressing so hard against my fists. She wouldn't let go. Both Fin and Munch were pulling at my arms the moment it went off. I don't remember my finger being pushed, but I don't recall purposefully pulling the trigger either.
If she would have just let go of my hands. My dirty blood stained hands. I touched the now brown stains on the back of my fist and rubbed at my skin.
"Come on, get out. Come off. Out! Out damned spot."
I rubbed and I wrung at the stain, and the crust of it, flaked off leaving a tint of brown. It was maddening. The silence of the room and the mess on my body made me twist and turn from the inside out. I got up and slammed on the mirrored window.
"Hello?! I need to go to the bathroom. Please! Somebody, please come in here and talk to me. HELLO!"
The door was locked. I banged on the mirror with my bloodied fists again. "I think I'm going to be sick. Please, open the door! Please!"
Click
"Olivia."
Julia Millfield was standing in the doorway.
"Please, I…I need to wash this off of me," I panted shaking my hands. The saliva in my mouth watered with vomitus signs. "I'm gonna be sick. I'm…it's all over me…it's-"
"Come on. I'll take you to-"
And then it happened. I heaved next to the table and more embarrassed unprofessionalism was added to my list.
George Huang was standing in the hallway, still in his uniform. He followed Agent Julia Millfield and myself into the bathroom. After a second to collect my stomach and regain the color in my cheeks George handed me a pill.
"What's this?"
"It will calm you. You're going through an incredible amount of stress. Just take it."
"Where's Elliot? How is he…"
"He's fine. You need to worry about yourself right now. They have a lot of questions for you."
George stopped and slightly nodded his head towards Julia who was standing with her back towards us.
He slightly whispered to me. "Liv, every higher up in the city is here. You need to stay as stable as you can. I know whatever happened in there wasn't who you are. Shake this off and get control of the situation. I believe in you."
I whispered through tears and a faint sigh for help. "George, I need to see Elliot."
"I know you do, but not now. We need you to stay strong and go clear your name. And by we I mean, Elliot."
I nodded and forced the tears back. I'd never felt the need to be hugged or even touch so strongly before in my life. The feeling of isolation was encompassing. I turned to leave then stopped. Before George knew what was happening I grabbed him and clung to his neck. "Thank you. Please tell Elliot I'm sorry."
"We're all behind you on this, Liv. Even Elliot," he whispered.
Julia cleared her throat and waved for me to come with her. "Come on Benson, this isn't social hour."
For the next two hours I was interrogated by several of my bosses including the commissioner.
"So Kathy Stabler had a gun?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me what it looked like?"
"Small. It was a pistol. A handgun. Had a white handle."
"Ms. Benson, were you aware of your actions when you pressed that trigger?"
I blinked in thought. I wasn't sure, so I guess…
"Answer the question Olivia."
"No."
"Did Detective Tutuola have anything to do with the shot?"
"What? …No."
"You hesitated, why?"
"I don't know."
"Ms. Benson, why didn't you drop the firearm when Detectives Munch and Tutuola entered the scene?"
"I couldn't."
"You couldn't or you wouldn't."
"I…Kathy was holding my hands tightly. I couldn't drop the gun."
"So you shot her?"
"No! The trigger went off when my arms were pulled. Fin was trying to break Kathy's grip and then Munch pulled on my arm and then I don't know what happened. The trigger just went off."
"It's funny how the memory loses information when it's guilty of something. Olivia, did you shoot your partner's Wife!"
"NO, I didn't!"
"Were you jealous?"
"No."
"Come on detective, we know how close you and Detective Stabler are. You two have been covering for each other for a long time. You're history together is record breaking. Unheard of, even. You work alone. You work long nights. You openly admit to taking your relationship too far. You're tight. We even have the interview to prove it."
"So what's your point?"
"My point is your partnership has reached it's limits. You've stood next to this man more often than his wife did and you're telling me that a single woman like yourself has never thought about this relationship in a sexual way?"
"I don't have to answer that."
"So you have."
"You're manipulating me. That's not what I said."
"Cut the crap, Benson. You pulled that gun on her because you were in love with her husband. That's the only reason, and you feel guilty, because you are guilty."
"My only intention for pulling my gun on her was for self-defense. That's my statement. Take it or leave it. I want Kathy's gun to be found. It's there. Find it. And I'm not saying another word until the autopsy is done."
"Self-defense, huh. Well, as of this moment, you have no evidence or witnesses to back that up."
"Do you're job and I will."
"Why was Seamus Albright in that locker room?"
"I did an undercover job and put his boss in jail for life. He was there—wait a minute—he was there. Seamus knows what happened. Why haven't you questioned him? Why are-"
"Shush! I love that you think I'm inadequate about my job."
"Seamus was there the whole time. If he said anything different from what I'm telling you then he's LYING!"
"And that may very well be, but until he stops lying, you've got no strong witnesses Ms. Benson, so tell me, why he was there?"
I was getting heated with each new bit of information. And I was tired of cooperating. "I don't know why he was there. Why don't you ask him?"
"Did you ask him to meet you there?"
"No. What is this all about?"
"Seamus told us that you hired him to kill Kathy. Is this true?"
"Absolutely not! He was there to kill me!"
"Seamus says that during your investigation on the O'Mally case that you slipped him your card and made a deal with him."
The commissioner handed me the card in an evidence bag.
"So he had my card. He could have gotten that from anyone or anything at the Precinct. I can't believe you're siding with a criminal!"
"I'm not siding with anyone. I just want the truth."
"How long have I worked for this task force? Eight years? Maybe a little longer. I put my life on the line every day for women like Kathy. I bust my ass to lock scum like Seamus behind bars. I cover the system's flaws and stick to the rules, even when the rules are wrong. I represent every thing that you could ever ask for in a good cop and you're going to sit there and tell me that you believe that line of bullshit because he had my card in his pocket. So does half of Manhattan!!! It's public information! Show me some hard evidence Commissioner! If I paid him, where's the money? Where's the meeting spot? Get me the phone records. Why in god's name would I plan this?! Do you think I'm crazy?"
"You were acting like it a few hours ago. Why don't you tell me?"
"The only thing crazy in this room is the conversation. I'm finished. I plead not guilty and I want to see every bit of evidence that comes through that door."
"You're confession isn't enough for me to drop charges."
"I'm aware of the law, thanks."
The commissioner cleared his throat and loosened his necktie. I could tell he was ready to spit in my face if I pushed one more of his buttons. But he held it back, because he knew I was right. He just wanted an easy answer. The press was going to be all over this as soon as it leaked. And it would, eventually. After a moment, he left the table and headed for the door. "Normally, I would have you spend the night in lock down, but I see no harm in putting you on a house arrest until further evidence is brought to the table."
"Thank you. When can I leave?"
SCENE
I was escorted to my apartment and given a very unattractive silver ankle bracelet. It did nothing for my figure and I'm sure none of my cute shoes would match, but it was better than prison.
When we reached the building Casey was sitting on my stoop with my belongings and a bag of hot Chinese food.
"I thought you could use a home cooked meal."
"Thanks," I replied weakly.
"Clive, I got her from here," Casey nodded to the officer.
We went up to my place and Casey did her best to make light of the situation. She insured me that everyone was working his or her asses off and Melinda was slicing open Kathy as we spoke.
I wanted to listen to her details, but my mind was still hung up on Elliot.
"Liv, Elliot is upset, but I think it's more out of confusion than anything else."
"Yeah."
"Wanna watch a movie?"
"…..No. I think I need to be alone."
"Okay. I can go home."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I understand. You call me if you need anything. And I mean anything."
"Thanks, Case."
She grabbed her things and opened the door. Elliot was standing in the hallway.
"Elliot."
He nodded to Casey and she kind of stood in the middle of us for a brief awkward second.
"I'm gonna go. You two….call me if you…well, you know. Bye."
I stood with the door open in silence and anticipation. He shuffled in the hall and then walked into my apartment. His eyes moving everywhere to dodge my apologetic glare.
"Elliot….I-"
"Don't. Don't apologize."
The silence was like a bear in the room. He sat on my couch and miserably looked at the floor. I had no idea what say or do. I sat on the other end and watched him.
"Elliot I didn't do it-"
"Don't. I know what happened. I was behind the mirror."
"Oh…"
"Olivia, what were you thinking?"
"Elliot, she had a gun. I was only trying to cuff her. Seamus got in the middle of us. It was all so quick! I didn't mean to-"
I pleaded with him but he still hadn't looked up at me. I could feel his anger.
"You're a cop Olivia, you don't accidentally shoot a gun."
"In a perfect world you're right, but it happened. Why are you here? If you don't want to believe me, then why are you here?"
He let out a huge sigh of pain and held onto the silence before softly speaking.
"She was lying to me about everything. The whole time."
He rubbed his face then looked out the window next to my couch.
"Yeah…"
"I can't live knowing that the people around me are lying. I've down it for too long."
"Elliot, I'm not lying."
He looked up at me for the first time. "I gave her that gun. The gun you described when they were questioning you."
"I know. I was there when you bought it."
"Yeah, that's why I'm having a hard time believing you."
His eye were hard and cold. He didn't blink once. It was as though he was prying the threads right out of my soul.
"Elliot…why would I lie…you can't think that I would make that up."
"Olivia, there's no gun. We've searched every inch of that locker room."
"Well search again! It's there. Elliot, I would have never pulled a gun on Kathy had she not given me every reason to. Why won't you believe that?"
"Huh…," lightly he got up from the couch and paced in the room. "I don't know what to believe anymore. I've been lied to my whole married life. Kathy lied to me for twenty-five years."
"Well I'm not Kathy," I blarred.
He didn't seemed phased. He just kept on going with his thoughts.
"She trapped me, Liv. She planned every child that we ever had without me. She cheated on me. She made me believe I was being a bad husband and then when I came back to her, she forced me to sleep on the couch. Now I find out it was because she didn't want me touching her prosthetic stomach! This is like a frigg'n Jerry Springer special. And I stupidly allowed her to use me. My whole life has been based on lies."
I watched his face unravel with pained realization.
I touched his arm and he stopped pacing. "Not your whole life. You're whole life has not been a lie," I whispered. "You have four beautiful children that absolutely love and adore you. You have a good heart. A loyal heart. Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. We all have our flaws, but those flaws aren't lies."
He stopped and turned to face me. I lightly smiled in hopes that he would warm up. "How can I trust you? Even if I did believe your statement how am I to know you're not going to do the same thing to me?"
I got close to him and looked dead in his eyes. "You wouldn't be here right now if you didn't trust me. Elliot, take a look at your relationship with Kathy and tell me the first time you remember her lying to you."
His eyes traced my face and he swallowed hard. "Too many to know."
I took a step closer to him praying that my honest plane words would pierce through his grief. "Now tell me the last time I lied to you."
His breathing became labored and tears filled his eyes as he pulled away from me.
"Elliot, tell me! Tell me, when have I ever been dishonest with you?" My eyes followed his lead and swelled with tears. "Tell me!"
"I can't. I...why are you so...different? It's too good to be true. It's not right." He turned to leave and I stopped him.
"No. Don't. Don't go. Don't say that. I hate myself for this. I do...and I don't know how to fix this except to prove to you that I'm not guilty. And I am. I am oh please see that I am."
He hesitantly pulled me into his arms.
I gasped at his touch. We both took in deep sobs and held each other tightly. "Elliot, I don't know how that gun went off, but if there was a way I could have stopped it I would have. I would have stepped in front of it before I would have let that bullet purposely hit her."
"I know, shhhh, it's okay. I know."
He held onto my face and kissed me lightly. Our tears melted together and I felt him shed a layer of doubt.
"Look at us," I sobbed through a weak smile. "We're a mess."
"What better way is there to be?"
We held each other for a long time. I almost fell asleep in his arms. My swollen eyes closed and he kissed me one last time.
"I have to go home. I haven't told my kids yet."
"What are you gonna tell them?"
"I don't know."
AN: Ok I know this is suppose to be a comedy, but Olivia being convicted...that's not funny fools! So take my sap for all it's worth and encourage me to update a more humorous chapter. Otherwise I may keep you in the...dark..brew hahahahahhah! ALL righty I'm being completely silly now! Write me hoes!