I don't own South Park - it's owned by the very talented Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
I also don't own Aliens or Scrubs which are referenced in this chapter.
Everybody Loves Cartman
by cell12
Chapter 10
They played video games for a while before Cartman reminded Kyle to phone in the order for pizza's.
"What should I get?" Kyle asked as he typed in the number for Shakeys.
"You know what I like dude," Stan answered.
"I'll bet he does," Kenny whispered to Cartman and they both sniggered.
"Nothing too spicy please," Butters said, ignoring the smutty innuendo, "I've got a delicate stomach."
"I don't care," Kenny took his turn replying, "as long as you get extra toppings."
Kyle's eyes move from friend to friend as they answered before finally resting on Cartman.
"Everyone likes peperoni," Cartman suggested.
"Sorry Cartman, peperoni is made with pork," Kyle held his finger over the call button.
"You don't have to eat the peperoni Kahl," Cartman grumbled, "get what you like on the other pizza."
"It's the principal of the thing Cartman," Kyle tried to explain, "even though I wouldn't be eating it I would still have bought and paid for it."
"So you won't but a peperoni pizza because you're a Jew?" Cartman looked incredulous.
"Pretty much."
"God dammit Jews suck," Cartman complained.
"That one does anyway, eh Stan," Kenny nudged Stan, hoping to provoke a response.
"Just choose something else Fat-ass," Stan told Cartman, refusing to rise to Kenny's teasing.
Cartman considered asking for ham and pineapple or meat feast - but the looks he was getting told him that the joke wouldn't be appreciated.
"Fine," Cartman said rolling his eyes, "get what you want. As long as there's no mushrooms or shellfish crap."
Kyle nodded and phoned in his order, "They said twenty-five minutes," he told his friends.
"That's just enough time to play the Scrubs drinking game," Cartman exclaimed.
"How do you play?" Stan asked.
"It's pretty simple really," Cartman explained, "you just take a drink every time JD acts like a pathetic douche."
"If we did that," Kenny laughed, "I don't think that anybody could sit through a whole episode without getting drunk."
"Ah know," Cartman admitted, "that's what makes it such a kewl drinking game."
"Is Scrubs even on tonight?" Stan asked.
"Pft," Cartman dismissed Stan's doubts. "That show is such a whore. They sell the repeat rights to dozens of channels. There's bound to be an episode on somewhere."
"I don't like that show," Butters chipped in, "it's supposed to be a comedy but when I watch it I end up feeling all depressed."
"Are we doing this or not?" Cartman asked.
"I'm in," Kenny replied straight away.
"It's got to be better than watching Scrubs sober," Stan answered while flicking through the TV channels with the remote.
"I'll only do it if everyone else does," Kyle insisted.
"Butters, down to you," Cartman's eyes rested on the smaller boy, "are you man enough?"
"I'm plenty manly," Butters tried to act all indignant, "my mom won't find out - will she?"
"I've found an episode just starting," Stan informed everyone, turning up the volume before dropping the remote onto the coffee table,
"Do the titles count for the game Cartman?" Kenny asked - he liked to take his drinking games seriously.
"Yep," Cartman answered taking his first shot of whisky and cola, before washing it down with a mouthful of beer.
They continued drinking up until the first commercials, each of them having three more shots.
"Kenneh, ah don't think that Stan's whisky is going to last out the show. Go up to my mom's room and get a bottle of vodka out of her drinks cabinet," Cartman directed his friend. "She hides the key underneath the small wooden jewellery box on her dresser."
Kenny nodded and scampered off.
"So how are you handling the booze Butters?" Kyle asked.
"I'm OK," Butters insisted, stretching out the fingers on his right hand and staring at them, "I've just never played a drinking game before."
"Here's something kewl you can do Butters," Cartman grinned at Stan and Kyle. "Stretch out your arm as far as you can," the smaller boy followed the instructions, "then slowly bring your hand towards your face until you use it to partly cover both your eyes." The boys watched at Butters did this a few times.
"What's the point Cartman?" Stan asked, after trying it out a few times.
"It lets you see what it would be like if a face-hugger from Aliens jumped on you," Cartman explained like it was obvious.
"This is stupid," Kyle complained - after secretly seeing what it was like himself.
"You're not drunk enough to appreciate its brilliance Kahl," Cartman insisted.
Kenny bounded back down the stairs, bottle in his hands, "I see Cartman's got you all playing face-hugger," he giggled.
"There's something you're not telling us Fat-ass," Kyle accused.
"Other than that you guys look like idiots?" Cartman started to laugh, "So funny."
Stan had stopped and looked across at Butters who was still trying it, "It does look really silly Kyle."
"God damn it Cartman," Kyle said, throwing a cushion at the larger boy.
"You're just annoyed because you fell for it Jew," Cartman laughed again.
"Fell for what fellas?" Butters asked, looking around with his hand still placed over his face.
Authors Notes: Normally I would apologise for the long delay but, because of an insulting reviewer, I don't think I'll bother. I'd like to think that I've got a good reputation for fast, regular updates - at least I try. Sadly, my cable and internet has been down since the middle of December. Anyone who feels let-down - be angry with my cable service provider, not me.
The Scrubs drinking game is entirely my idea, so full credit goes to me if anyone else copies it or does something similar. I don't hate Scrubs, so fans of the show, no hate reviews please - but, here in the UK at least, it seems to be on every other channel every night.
The face-hugger game is also an invention of mine. Try it out at a party and see how many people you can get to do it. It does look so funny when you have a bunch of people doing it all at once.
I was unable to wish all my readers a Merry Christmas but I can offer up a Happy New Year. Kyman love to you all, cell12.