I Miss My Mind the Most, Chapter 10
"Mustn't keep them waiting," Del says in a sing-song voice. "Let's take the shortcut, 'kay?"
"What short—" I begin when the dizziness overtakes me again. I reach out for something to lean against as I close my eyes, feeling incredibly nauseous. Finding nothing, I fall to the ground, hard on my bottom, and let out a grunt of pain.
"You mind giving a guy a little more warning next time you're going to do that?" I ask angrily after a minute of deep breathing. I open my eyes to discover we're at the front door of the Tower. After the day I've had, I'm really not that surprised. I slowly rise, wipe some of the dirt off of myself, and turn to Del, only to find that she's gone.
After a quick look around outside for her, I enter the Tower. Cautiously, I make my way up to the living room, taking in everything around me as if seeing it for the first time. It all looks normal enough, but the real test will be the Titans themselves.
As I'm walking down the hallway that leads to the living room, I hear a scream from within, followed by Beast Boy's voice. "No!" he howls. "How could you?"
I run in, pulling a birdarang from my belt, and look around for the cause of Beast Boy's agony. He kneels before the TV, arms at his sides, a controller from our game system in hand. Though I cannot see his face, I'm sure he weeps as I notice the screen states "Cyborg Wins!"
I chuckle softly and put away my weapon, feeling some of the stress from this day leave me. I see Starfire in the kitchen and give her a small wave. She eagerly waves back and returns to stirring the monstrous concoction she calls food on her planet. Here, it would be lucky to pass as bio-hazardous waste.
"What's going on?" I ask Cyborg amiably as I join him on the couch.
"Nothing new," he answers. "I'm just beating the snot out of Beast Boy's high score."
"Dude, it took me more than a week to get that," Beast Boy moans. "I played it so much, it's like I even played it in my sleep." He stands up and turns on Cyborg, quick anger rising in his eyes. "And you take less than five minutes to beat it!" he hollers.
"Three minutes and twenty-seven seconds to be exact," Cyborg gloats. With a bellow, Beast Boy hits the reset button and begins a new game. "So, where have you been?" Cyborg asks me.
"What do you mean?" I ask in surprise.
"It's almost nightfall," he explains, "and I haven't seen you since yesterday. Normally, you're the first one out. You sick? Nightmares keeping you up or something?"
Or something, I think bitterly. "Yeah, nightmares. Just catching up on some sleep," I lie. Seemingly satisfied, Cyborg turns his attention back to the game and starts playing. All my nervousness slips back to grip me as I try to find any reason why I should doubt these two are my friends. After a few minutes of studying them, I am content. So far, so good, I think with relief.
"Excuse me," Starfire says from behind me, startling me from my musings. "I did not mean to eavesdrop, but I thought I heard you say bad dreams were ailing you. On my planet—"
"No, thank you," I interrupt without looking at her. I've already tried some of her home remedies and they usually make me feel sicker than I did before I took them. She is persistent, though.
"But, Robin—"
"I said 'no,' Starfire," I say firmly. Sure that I've hurt her feelings, I turn to her and give a small smile. "Thank you for your concern, though," I tell her softly.
"You are welcome," she says happily and returns to the kitchen and whatever it is she's making. I turn back to Cyborg and Beast Boy, both involved in their racing game. As casually as I can manage, I ask, "So, do either of you know where Raven is?"
"Last I heard, she was going to the roof to do her meditatin' thing," Cyborg answers. He drops the controller and punches his fists in the air with his usual victory cry. "Booyah!"
"Dude, there is no way you coulda won that!" Beast Boy exclaims and I leave them to their bickering in pursuit of Raven. My mood seems suddenly buoyant as I slowly walk down the halls. Maybe it all really was just a bad dream, I think uncertainly.
I emerge onto the rooftop, look around, and spot Raven in her usual place, sitting, or rather, levitating, in her usual position, as she meditates near the edge of the Tower. My heart thuds once, then settles back to its natural rhythm. Slowly, I make my way over, not wanting to disturb her. I know how temperamental she can be when it comes to her meditating.
I stop a few feet away and study her from the side. She has removed her cloak which lies nearby in a neat folded pile. The last rays from the sun cast a rosy glow on her exposed skin and I feel a delightful shiver of wanting run through me.
I move around to the front, now only a few inches from her, yet she still pays me no heed. Surely she knows I'm here, I think in bewilderment. Her mouth moves quickly, forming silent words I don't recognize. Lines of concentration deepen along her brows and under her eyes. Awkwardly, I clear my throat to get her attention, but she continues meditating. "Raven?" I say tentatively. Nothing. "Raven," I say a bit louder and place a hand gently on her leg.
The heavy lashes that shadowed her cheeks fly open as intense astonishment touches her pale face. A soft gasp escapes her before gravity takes over and she begins to fall. Without thinking, I reach out, catching her around the waist, and pull her towards me. She clutches my shoulders and disentangles her legs, allowing me to lower her delicately to the ground.
We stand there for a few moments, just staring and holding each other, when she leans in the last few inches and kisses me gently. I'm too surprised to do anything until I feel her tongue touching my lower lip, asking for entrance. My heart dances with excitement and I gladly welcome her. Our tongues touch, timidly at first, but then more demanding. As we explore each others mouths, I hear someone moan, and realize it's me.
She raises her hands so that they are around my neck and begins running her fingers through my hair. I lower my hands to her behind and give a gentle squeeze, earning a moan from her. She arches her back, pushing her hips against mine, so close to me now that I can feel her heartbeat pulsing rapidly through her clothes.
Robin, I'm surprised at you, a familiar voice whispers. Surely you know how wrong this is. He's so close I can feel his breath on my ear.
I abruptly break the kiss, but don't release Raven. My face becomes set in a vicious expression as I look around wildly for Slade, but see nothing. A thrill of frightened anticipation touches my spine.
"What's wrong?" Raven asks worriedly.
"I thought I heard someone," I say distractedly. After a few more seconds, I turn back to her with a weak smile as a sort of apology. "Guess it was just the wind," I say lightly, not believing it for a second. I lean in, prepared to pick up where we left off, but am interrupted.
Tell me, Robin, he continues in that horribly calm voice, how you can believe this to be the real Raven? As I recall, she instigated this rather...intense...kiss. Since when is Raven able to express such strong emotions so freely?
With a pang, I realize he's right. I jerk away from her, take a step back, and stare, wordlessly. How could I have been so stupid?
Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it, he quotes. Let's look at the facts. Since entering the Tower, all has been perfect. Too perfect. Why?
"I don't know," I whisper shakily. I really do know, but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to give this up. Raven's brows furrow in confusion and she takes a tentative step towards me. I shake my head vehemently, imploring her to keep her distance.
Yes, you do know, he says coldly. You headed right for the living room upon entering the Tower. Why?
"Because that's where we normally hang out," I respond, trying to remain calm.
And sure enough, the majority of your team was there, just like you knew they would be, he says with quiet emphasis. Doing exactly what they normally do, as if they didn't have a care in the world. Yet, as I recall, Cyborg claimed you had been missing for almost the entire day. Odd. The last time you disappeared, they were madly scouting the city for even the smallest sign of your whereabouts. What's changed?
"I wasn't missing," I reply unsurely. "I was in my room sleeping. That's why he asked if I'd been having nightmares. One of them must have already come looking for me, like Starfire, and since it was a slow day, they let me catch up on my sleep."
It's plausible, he admits. Bad dreams could have disrupted your sleep pattern, throwing your internal clock off so excessively. But one thing still bothers me, something that doesn't quite fit in with this theory. If you were sleeping in your room, then how did you come to find yourself outside?
Nervously, I bite my lip as I try to come up with an answer. Anything but the truth, I think desperately. "Sleepwalking?" I finally answer, my voice thick and unsteady.
Wrong! he shouts, causing me to wince slightly. You've never sleepwalked a day in your life, so why would you start now? He pauses briefly, as if expecting an answer, but I can only listen with rising dismay. You wouldn't, he continues. You've known all along, yet you chose to rely on what you saw, what you hoped, what you wished to be true, rather than on your mind. You told yourself the institution was nothing more than a dream, when in fact, this—
"No," I moan, the knowledge twisting and turning within me. A sensation of intense sickness and desolation sweep over me as I realize I can no longer deny the evidence set before me. I feel a slight pressure in my head, like someone pushing against the temples.
She's trying to get in, he warns me. She wishes to make a connection in order to "help" you. But we know better. Stop her.
"Stay out!" I yell, glaring at a very surprised Raven. I take another step back only to find I've reached the edge. Nowhere to go but down, I think giddily. A giggle tries to escape, but I quickly clap a hand over my mouth.
"Robin, what's going on?" she asks, moving in closer and studying me intensely. "You're acting so strangely. I know there's something wrong, I can sense it. Something big, something within that you're struggling with. You need to let me help you, let me into your mind, and we can conquer this...together." She gives me a small smile and I look down stupidly to find she has taken my hand in hers.
The temptation to believe it is almost insuperable. I look into her lovely amethyst eyes and can feel myself beginning to relax, letting down the mental barriers that kept her out. Slowly, I lift my free hand to caress her cheek, impelled involuntarily by my own passion.
You know that by accepting her "help," you are condemning yourself to this world of lies, he growls, stopping me in mid-reach She will manipulate you into accepting what you see rather than what you know. And you will believe not because you have to, but because you want to.
"And why should I believe you?" I retort. I push Raven aside roughly and move away, anger beginning to singe the corners of my control. "You're not even really here. You're just another hallucination."
He chuckles nastily. Is that what you've been telling yourself? he jeers. My dear boy, repetition does not evolve a lie into the truth.
"Then what are you?" I ask, my voice hoarse with frustration.
Some may call me logic, merely using valid reasoning in showing you the flaws of this world. I think a better definition, though, is the voice within urging you to prefer right over wrong. I am your conscience.
I stop moving, my body stiffening in shock, my eyes widening in astonishment. It's too much for my mind to handle. I throw back my head and start to laugh, loud and high, like a hyena. I do this for maybe three seconds, then suddenly cut it off.
"Okay, Jiminy," I say flatly. "Again, why should I believe you? How do I know this isn't just a trick? After all, you do sound like a certain maniac we tend to fight on a regular basis."
He chuckles without mirth. Maybe because in this reality, you see me as the enemy, opposing all of your interests and causing you to feel great hatred toward me. But what do I know? After all, I'm not the one standing here having what appears to be a one-sided argument with myself. Imagine what Raven must be thinking.
"I thought she wasn't real?" I say mockingly, but turn back anyway. She's gone. Confused, I wander around the rooftop trying to find her. After a few minutes, I stop, having come up with an answer as my lips twist into a cynical smile.
If she was really here, I'll bet she phased through the roof, I think bitterly. She went to get the others so they can all "help" me. But there's only one who can help me now. This is all her fault. And with that, I walk quickly to the edge of the roof, cup my hands around my mouth, and yell her name.
"DEL! DEL!"