Disclaimer : Card Captor Sakura belongs to CLAMP. I don't own CCS.
Recap : In the attempt to 'reincarnate' his Kaho, Hiiragizawa Eriol wished to erase Daidouji Tomoyo's memories. But apparently the spell didn't work as it was supposed to, and the two dark-haired were bound to live together –even when they disliked each other. But after saving her from falling off the cliff, they started to find mutual understanding in each other.
Mnemosyne's Labyrinth
Chapter 10
: : Guilty Pleasure : :
Most times, Tomoyo considered her own self an enigma. Living for 25 years didn't exactly mean that she knew herself. And sometimes (most times), she would rather keep it that way. There was something…. (She admitted) so dark about herself, and she thought that if she searched and tried to reveal the truth, she would experience more pain.
And no…
She couldn't endure more pain.
It was pathetic. She was pathetic. But that was what truly happened… She was afraid to find the truth about herself.
So yes, she kept herself a secret, a mystery. Even to her own self.
But then… it had been her thought before she met Hiiragizawa Eriol.
He was a man with complexity that matched hers. An equally enigmatic persona, who was successful in easily reading her feeling.
Eriol always made her feel like she was an open-book –since he could always, always, and always know things about her (that she perhaps didn't even know).
At first, it was the reason why she feared him.
Heck, he was the guy who could read her feelings (even without magic) and searched deep into the secret she had tried to hide.
She had been really, really afraid of him.
But…
Weird…
Now that she looked at it in the different point of view, she saw him not as a person who would mercilessly invade her personal feelings, but instead she saw him as something more.
Now, she saw him as a person, and perhaps, the only person who could actually… understand her.
No one could do it before. Not even her mother or Sakura.
They loved her, of course, that was undoubtedly true. Sonomi Daidouji and Sakura were two people who loved her the most, but they…
They never… truly understood her. They thought of her as the wise Tomoyo-chan or the understanding dear daughter. Just that.
But with Eriol… he accepted the way she was as a contradicted, complex persona, and yet he was able to make her see that she was, after all, a very, very… simple person.
And foremost, for the rarest time in her life…
She was actually keen on her condition being like that.
She was accepting herself.
Supposedly, she should give him a credit for that.
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Days had passed very peacefully afterwards.
After the falling-from-the-cliff incident (and after both Eriol and Tomoyo were finally saved by Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon the next morning), the atmosphere of the Hiiragizawa manor had taken a gradual turn into the very positive and comforting one. Apparently, the Hiiragizawa-Daidouji duo had finally come to mutual understanding and agreed to end all the silent and sarcastic war.
And once the angst and dark, foul mood gotten rid of, as expected, the two dark-haired were very, very compatible friends.
Ruby Moon couldn't be any happier. It was, for the first time since months, that she finally found peace in the usually dark and cold manor.
Eriol and Tomoyo were quick in becoming best buddies. Even at the very start, the two shared many common grounds and now that the dislike towards each other diminished, anyone could presume that they had been old friends for such a long time.
He found comfort in her, just as she found the same thing in him.
The cynic and sarcasm were still there (mostly due their natural personality to be critical?). But now Tomoyo found it funny how his sarcasm was actually his barrier towards something that his old-stubborn self hated to see. Now that she acknowledged it, it was almost cute to have him being defensive. He was just an awkward being –one who couldn't express the genuine kindness he actually still possessed (deep inside).
When she spoke this certain thought to him, he would just shrug it of with yet another snap.
"Non sense, Daidouji-san. If you compliment me just to make me change my mind about your status here, then you're wasting your time," he said.
It was almost the 3rd month she had spent in his manor, and now, she learned to find his foul mouth to be rather entertaining.
But one thing for sure, he was opening up to her. At night, when the two couldn't sleep, they would be found together in the library in a heated discussion about a certain book or had a light chatter. At the rarest time, they even started to talk their own personal problems to each other.
And before Eriol realized it, he had let Daidouji Tomoyo enter his life more than he intended.
She filled her days, with her own queer contradiction. With her unique pessimistic yet wise insight. She was there, in his days, in his life, in his dream…
The thought shuddered him a bit.
Tomoyo was invading his mind and soul with her natural charm. And despite his earlier will to disband her from his thoughts, he found it… pleasant just to remember the way she talked, or smiled, or laughed. Had it not been for Kaho, he would let himself keep thinking of the particular violet-eyed lady.
Which was bad, but who could blame guilty pleasure anyway?
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But even the most peaceful moments had to end sometimes. Sometimes, Tomoyo knew she would face the reality. To face the fate she had been avoiding. And that sign came as an unexpected phone call from Kinomoto Touya on one bright afternoon.
Her cousin's voice was what like she had always remembered: monotonous, rigid, and yet showing faint (but honest) sign of cares. No man could make her feel like she was being both interrogated and worried about, the way Touya was doing.
"I had just returned from a work in Hokkaido, and when I checked my phone, my answering machine contained a message from Hiiragizawa –inquiring whether I know your whereabouts,"
She knew he was referring to the time when Eriol searched for her after he shooed her out of the manor after looking inside Kaho's memory. Not used to be questioned this way and all so sudden, she could only mutter a simple, "Er…"
"I'm still your family. Would you like to explain me where did you go until Hiiragizawa had to search for you?"
"…I-I was… just having simple fight with Hiira… with Eriol-kun. And I… had wanted a little moment alone. E-Eriol-kun was just being so worried, that was all," she managed to say after remembering her lies she had said to Touya few weeks prior about her and Eriol as lovers.
"Hn," he didn't seem to be satisfied, but thankfully, Touya dropped the subject and asked her, "How are you doing?"
"F-fine. I really am doing fine. How are you? How are the others?"
"We're doing okay,"
"That's good…"
Silence.
"It's just…"
"It's just…?"
"… It's just never the same," Touya finally muttered.
She tasted something bitter. And inside her weak mind, the memory of her old life replayed like a movie. Days when things were still easy, days when her mother and Sakura still lived, days when it was happy, joyful, and living…
And to discover the still present slight depression on Touya's voice, Tomoyo felt like failing herself. Her job hadn't been done… There were still people other than herself who were still traumatized with Sakura's death… What should she do? What would she do? What could –
Her trains of panicked thought abruptly ceased the moment her cousin on the other line spoke again:
"But we've moved on,"
Tomoyo slowly let out a relieved sigh and cursed herself for worrying too much. "Right, right. You all have moved on," she murmured as unconsciously smiling. A second moment of silence quickly made her realize what she had to say. "Just like what I'm doing too…"
Right. She couldn't dare to make her cousin worry more than this.
His reply came moments later.
"No. Not yet with you, Tomoyo… You haven't moved on,"
…
"No. I'm moving on. I'm… having a new life, remember? With Hiira – with Eriol-kun…. We're starting a new life, I've told you," she said, and hoped that Touya wouldn't have any suspicions through her half-lies.
"…Tomoyo…" and his voice over the phone sounded tired. "I don't know what you're planning with that Hiiragizawa, but I'm not as gullible as Yukito or that Gaki. One day that you suddenly came up and confessed that you fell in love with a considerably stranger? I don't buy such joke. I just thought that you had reasons, so I protected your lies back then,"
She let out a dark chuckle, realizing that it was no use to lie to her cousin back then nor now. "Of course. You are Touya-kun, after all," her senses then alarmed her again. "But… do Syaoran-kun and Yukito-kun –"
"No. They still believe that you're in love with Hiiragizawa and 'planning to spend your whole life with him'. Don't know how they can be that…dense anyway,"
She smiled softly. "Thanks for not telling them,"
"And I hope that you have a good reason for that,"
"…Believe me, it is for a good reason,"
"Good reason in your opinion or in normal peoples' opinion? Either way, I'm not going to debate it with you. You're a grown up woman. You know what to do. Your life… is your own choice,"
Something in the tone of Touya's speaking firmed her belief that the brown-haired guy could really see through so many layers of lies and deceptions. As if he already knew that she was selling her body to Eriol and planning to end her life (Or perhaps, he really knew? She couldn't argue with the possibility). The thought of Touya knowing her plan frightened her, but she tried to regain back her usual Daidouji composure.
"You don't have to worry about me,"
"Look, Tomoyo… Losing Sakura is awful enough. I don't want to feel the same sensation again,"
Ha, her inner wanted to laugh. Yes, Touya really knew it all, didn't he?
"And like I've said," he continued, "Your life is your own choice. But don't give it up that easily, okay? Or if that Hiiragizawa ever forced you –"
"Hiiragizawa had nothing to do with my decision, Touya-kun," she interrupted. "Well, at first, he did try to 'manipulate' me, but… the decision will always be mine. And I hope, that you respect my decision too,"
"I will. I just hope that you've thought it wisely before you take any decision,"
"…"
"Suicide isn't the only way,"
"…"
"Look around you, Tomoyo. And you will realize how gifted you are to still be able to live,"
"…I know. Lately, I've… seen some things…"
"…" Touya waited for her to continue.
"Things that make me feel that God truly has reasons to let me live," she resumed and somehow felt the faintest warmth inside her heart. "And perhaps, you're right, Touya-kun. But on the other side… it's probably too late,"
"It's never too late," He said through gritted teeth.
She sighed. "I don't know about that. But I promise you, that from now on, I will try to enjoy life. I will savor it my best, until my time comes, that is. Until my existence erased later,"
"Tomoyo –"
"Please, respect my decision, Touya-kun. This is the best I can do…"
A defeated sigh on the other line.
"Fine. I will not interfere,"
"Thank you,"
"I just wish that there could be –"
" – a miracle. That's the only thing I need," she said as bitterly smiling.
"… You don't wait for miracle, Tomoyo. You have to go and find it yourself,"
"Ah…" she paused before later adding an uncomfortable gratitude.
After that, she tried to change the subject. Gladly, Touya didn't complain and chatter idly with his cousin about other less meaningful talks. 15 minutes passed, and after saying goodbye to Touya, Tomoyo put the phone receiver back to its place.
And she stared at it for a long time.
"Look around you, Tomoyo. And you will realize how gifted you are to still be able to live,"
"It's never too late,"
.
.
.
Her thoughts were cut off once she heard Eriol's voice calling for her. She looked at the clock and noticed that it was tea time already. Lately, they were living this habit to have tea time together.
"I will try to enjoy life. I will savor it my best, until my time comes, that is…."
"Daidouji-san!" Eriol called once again.
"Coming!" she replied as standing up and went to the garden where she knew he was currently at.
"Until my existence erased later,"
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"… Yes, and my cute descendant's face when she walked into the aisle… It was priceless," Eriol comfortably spoke as putting back the teacup to the table. It was another tea time they spent together, and the topic for that day was Syaoran and Sakura's wedding.
Tomoyo's memory travelled back and she just had to agree with his opinion. "True, true, Hiiragizawa-san. He was so dumbfounded! Oh, but I can not exactly blame him. Sakura-chan… looked very, very, very dashing on her wedding day…"
"You designed her wedding dress, didn't you?"
"The toughest piece by far, yes,"
"Your hard works were paid. Sakura-chan looked very beautiful that day. She's already a beautiful girl, but on her wedding day –"
"–She was stunning,"
He nodded. "Breathtaking,"
"Absolutely,"
Tomoyo smiled. Inside, warmth engulfed her heart. It had always been nice thinking about Sakura. After The Cherry Blossom's shocking death, Tomoyo had forced herself to stop thinking of her own cousin. Even until last few days, it still tore her heart to think that the Card Mistress would never be there with her anymore.
But now…
She began to see it the Syaoran Li way.
To reminiscence and to let go at the same time.
And in the most ironic way, she admitted that it was only because of the certain sorcerer that she could start to move on.
Not that she was going to admit it out loud.
At least, not now.
"I want to go to the bookstore. Do you mind to accompany me?" he suddenly asked.
"What?" Tomoyo stuttered.
Eriol shrugged. "Well, it's okay if you don't want to –"
"N-no, it's not that," she interrupted him. "It's just… are you sure?"
"Is there any problem with my asking?"
"No, but I'm just…surprised. But I don't mind to accompany you. I'll… go change first," she stated as standing up and headed to her own room.
Eriol smiled as watching the beautiful dark-haired walked gracefully out of the living room. Daidouji Tomoyo was not that bad once he got to know her better. She was stubborn (especially when they were debating of some cases), but she undoubtedly had a sincerely pure heart. And she was fun too. Not in a Takashi Yamazaki hilarious way, but in her own charming way. He actually couldn't remember when he last felt at such ease towards another people.
"You seem happy,"
Eriol looked at his lap, where his small guardian had rested himself on. "Why, I didn't notice you were there Spinel,"
"Of course. You were too mesmerized with Daidouji-san that you didn't even notice me flying twice in front of your face,"
"Is that jealousy from my cute guardian?" Eriol questioned in amusement.
"It is concern, Eriol-sama,"
The Clow incarnation brushed his fingers on Spinel's soft fur. "What concerns you?"
"Daidouji-san,"
"What? You don't like her?"
"No, don't get me wrong, Master. I do like her. She's actually one of the very few female that I've grown to respect,"
"She is respectable," he agreed.
"But it's just that…," Spinel continued. "I want you to be more careful,"
"With Daidouji-san?" Eriol asked in puzzlement.
"Not at her. But at your own growing feeling towards her,"
…
Eriol paused before then chuckled. But one could notice that his chuckle missed his usual playful implication. "I love Kaho, if that's what you want to hear. Even that Daidouji-san has proven herself to be such a charming and nice person, she is… she is still not Kaho. Until… until Daidouji-san's memory is replaced with Kaho's memories, I won't… love her,"
Spinel stared observantly at his master's eyes before then sighing. "I just… I don't want you to experience the same pain. I don't want you end up feeling miserable just like when you lost Mizuki-san. Because Master, you know… you'll lose Daidouji-san someday. When The Memory finished its –"
"I'm ready, Hiiragizawa-san," Tomoyo said as entering the living room. "Ah, Spinel-san! You want to join us go to the bookstore?"
The Sun Guardian flew from his master's lap and shook his head. "Thank you for the kind offering, Daidouji-san. But I want to finish reading a certain book first. It's not a thick book, but I can't seem to finish it. You two go ahead and have fun," and after saying that, he flew cutely out of the living room.
"Oh… Shall we go now, then?" she asked to the magician.
Eriol slowly nodded. Clearing his throat, he then stood up and followed her heading to the front door.
In his mind, the conversation he had with Spinel repeated like a broken record.
"I want you to be more careful,"
"With Daidouji-san?"
"Not at her. But at your own growing feeling towards her,"
"Hiiragizawa-san, you're alright?" Tomoyo suddenly asked.
"I…" he blinked and gazed at the lovely young woman before his eyes. "I'm fine. Don't worry,"
Spinel was right.
He really should be careful.
: :To Be Continued : :
Notes: It's chapter 10 already? Hn, time surely goes fast… Thank you for all of you who have supported me up until now, this chapter is here because all of you. :) Hope to see you all in the next chapter! (which unfortunately won't be uploaded next week, due to some reasons… Sorry…)
But... if you're interested, as the exchange, I will (if everything goes according to plan, that is) submit 3 new Naruto oneshots (a Sasusaku, Saisaku, and Sasosaku) as my Halloween treats. If you enjoy the 'sick' kind of stories, try read them, :)