Rayna's Perspective.
I laid on my left side entangled in the sheets. Entangled in him. His arms were wrapped around me, his legs in between mine and his toes curled up into my calves. I didn't want to move but the clock on the night stand read 7:00 a.m. and I knew I needed to. I lifted his arm slowly gently setting them down behind me and wiggled my way out of the bed. I'm tiptoeing to the bathroom hoping not to wake him. He never sleeps and I want him to enjoy what little sleep he was currently getting. I turn on the shower and wait for it to get warm. I step in and as the water runs down my body I run my hands over every inch of my skin. Every inch bringing back a memory of every touch from last night.
He is standing in front of me pouring his heart out and the minute he said he wanted to be a family with Maddie and Daphne I just reacted. I kissed him, I pulled him inside and slammed the door behind him. I ran my hands under his shirt and pinned him up against the wall. My hips pressing up against his, and his hands grasping my ass. I kissed him up his neck to his ear biting and whispered,
"Pick me up."
"Fuckkkkk."
He lifted and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He threw me onto the edge of the bed but he stayed standing at the edge in between my legs. I propped myself up on my elbows and watched him. He went for his belt first. Slowly unbuckling, then sliding it through each loop until it fell to the ground. His shoes were next, he kicked off each boot and sock. Then, goddddd… then he lifted his shirt off over his head. With ease and the perfect speed to tease his fit chest making me shiver all over. He tossed it to the other side of the room and his pants followed. Unbuttoned, unzipped, he stepped out and there he was standing in front of me in only his boxers. He pulled me down the bed by my legs closer to him and dropped his mouth to my stomach. Pushing my shirt up licking just where my jeans start, and my back arched. He unbuttoned them and slowly kissed my exposed skin as he pulled them down. I tossed my shirt off as he threw my pants to the ground. I laid stretched out in only my black lace bra and matching underwear. He crawled back up to my lips, kissing me with a forceful passion grinding and pressing his hips into mine which were mimicked his rhythm.
We went three rounds, three long hot rounds before we passed out. Well I'm assuming he did, I know I did. I'm sore, everywhere. The shower felt refreshing and I wanted to savor the steam but we needed to be on set to finish up the video in less than an hour. I threw my hair into a bun and put on some jeans and a flannel. I opened the door and he was still knocked out in the bed. I walked over sitting down beside him and ran my hand through his hair bending down to kiss his hairline.
"Deacon."
All I got was a groan and him stretching out turning away from me. I run my hands up his back lightly shaking him.
"Deacon, you need to get up. We have to get going."
He managed a head shake no.
"Come on. I'll go order us some breakfast. You get up and take a shower."
He turned around and grabbed pulling himself on top of me. He kissed me and his hands started to run down my legs. I wanted to continue, to let him do what we both want him to but I couldn't. I pushed him up off of me separating our lips. His face was covered in disappointment and he dropped his head into my shoulder nuzzling into my neck.
"Fine."
He got off of me and I got up from the bed and went into the kitchen area. I pulled out the room service menu and ordered us omelets and coffees. I heard the shower turn on so I sat at the barstools and got on my phone to answer emails as I waited. It was here before he was done so I sat and sipped on my coffee. I needed to eat but my stomach is in knots. We need to talk but we have no time before we had to be at work today. I don't regret what happened last night but it happening last night was going to make work today extremely awkward. The only thing left for us to shoot was the fight scenes. We were going to have to yell and act like we are ending a relationship with a devastating goodbye. How were we going to be able to do that after what we did last night? After we crossed every line less than 8 hours ago and I have no idea what any of it means?
These scenes were the part of the video I had been most nervous about from the beginning. Fighting with Deacon never ended but those were mostly about music, creative artistic differences. Towards the end our relationship our fights became volatile and frightening. We knew all there was to know about one another and due to that we knew just what to say to hurt each other in the worst ways. We haven't fought about our relationship since I walked away from him. Walking away from him, marrying someone else while he was in rehab was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He didn't even know about any of it until it was too late. I crushed him, and I never forgave myself for that.
"Morning."
"Morning." I smiled and sipped my coffee. He sat down on the stool beside me and dug into his food. I watched him eat but I couldn't touch mine. I kept my coffee hovering at my lips as if it were the only thing keeping me alive.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"I don't know I guess I'm envious."
"Envious?"
"Yes envious. You're eating without a care and I'm sitting here with my stomach in knots trying not to puke plus figure out how we are going to get through today."
I got up and walked into the kitchen and poured another cup of coffee. My back is turned to him and I sip my coffee savoring the one thing I can depend on for today. I closed my eyes focusing on breathing and calming my stomach which felt like it was physically doing summer saults. I was so focused I didn't even hear him come up behind me. He spun me around and took my cup from me.
"Hey!"
"First, you're going to stop drinking this because I think you've had plenty."
"Debatable."
"Second, we're just going to do it, the same way we did it yesterday. Trusting each other, scene by scene."
I ran my hands through my hair and brought them to my lips. I wanted to bite my nails but they were too perfect to ruin.
"Deacon, I don't know if I can do this."
He came closer to me and pulled me into a hug. I let him engulf me and I tried to stop panicking. I listened to his heart beating felt his arms running up and down my back.
"Do you trust me Ray?"
"More than anyone."
"Then trust me."
He kissed my forehead and grabbed my hand leading me out of the hotel room.
We showed up and I got ushered into hair and makeup. I gave Chrystal and Justine a sympathetic sorry look. I feel awful for making their jobs much more difficult than usual but they jumped right in. It took longer than normal but they managed to make me look perfect. They have me in all black today and my hair is down and more wavy than curly. I walked out of my room and the director grabbed me right away. He went through the plan for the day as the set got put together. He talked and I just nodded.
I'm in front of Deacon with my back to him. We are in the middle of the stairs and he is yelling at me. I'm walking away up the stairs ignoring him but that angers him even more so he grabs my arm and yanks my body to face him. I push his chest causing him to stumble one step down and yell back at him. We're gesturing to one another only getting louder and louder. He grabs a picture from the wall and throws it to the floor. The glass shatters all over and I gasp. I put my head into my hands starting to cry. At first I buried my face because I didn't think I was going to be able to form real tears, but I was wrong. I cleared my hands and real tears started to fall. It was too familiar, we've done this; we've done this so many times and it always ends the same way.
He turns and walks away from me. He's walking to the front door, stopping to grab the keys from the side table. I'm yelling from the staircase begging him not to go. He looks at me as he reaches for the keys but doesn't bat an eye. He turns back around and slams the door behind him. I fall to the ground grasping my legs to my chest. My head rests on my knees and I rock back and forth in a soothing pattern…back and forth.
This was my day. For 6 hours straight, we reshot this scene over and over and over again. The whole time, the chorus Every little thing. I remember every little thing. The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting. Of every little thing. Played in the background. In the end as I sat on the stairs I had to sing. In that moment as I repeated the chorus I realized how sad this song truly is. I knew, and I feel it when I perform, but this…this was a new level of pain. We aren't creating this video of nothing. The pictures on these walls are real. They're mine that I've taken over the years. The design of the house was made to fit our tastes. This could be our life, this was our life. We were happy and in love living in a little house together one day. And then the next we fight and destroy everything in it. The worst part, he leaves me crying and scared out of my mind having no idea where he was disappearing to.
What were we doing? I can't do this, I can't be in this type of a relationship with him again. It almost destroyed me the first time. Being pregnant was the only thing that saved me. Maddie saved me. I would have stayed, and been waiting for him in the parking lot the day he got out of his 5th stint of rehab. But I was pregnant, and it wasn't Deacon's so I had to let him go. I had to let us go. And it ended up saving both of our lives. Maybe we missed our chance. Not all love stories are meant to last forever and maybe ours was one of them. Were we really any different now? Could we really hold a healthy stable relationship when toxic and dramatic is all we've ever known?
Deacon's Perspective.
I never thought I would get this moment back. Waking up next to the most beautiful woman in the world after holding her all night. But here I was naked in her bed and she was trying to wake me up. At first I thought it was all a dream but when she ran her hands up my back I knew it wasn't a dream, it was real. I turned around and grabbed her, throwing her to the bed. I didn't want this to end. I wanted to stay in this bed with her all day long. After all these years, I finally have her back and I'm not imagining that lavender scented shampoo. But she pushed me off and as easy as it would have been to convincer I didn't. She was right we needed to get going, plus the sooner we got there the sooner we could come back.
After she left I got up and took a shower. I walked out and my heart almost stopped seeing her on the barstool in a flannel. It wasn't one of mine but I haven't seen her in one in years. I don't know why she stopped wearing them, but one day it just stopped. She's always been the most gorgeous woman in any room but when she wears flannels and t-shirts are my favorite looks.
After I confronted her about staring at me she went into a very fast word ramble and I tried my best to calm her down, but if I was being honest I was nervous about today too. I didn't think about what today was when I came knocking on her door last night. I wasn't thinking at all last night. For the first time I stopped thinking and just followed my heart. She was right, today was going to be difficult but we could do this. It was just one more day. One more day and we can be done and get back to our tour.
I walked her in but we separated to get changed and ready for the shoot. Once it started, we didn't stop. It was a 6 hour straight loop of the same scene. Fighting with Rayna like this was different for me. Sure we fought when I was sober, but our fights never escalated like this unless I had been drinking. I never threw anything at her or otherwise without liquid courage. I couldn't do that sober. I couldn't see her crying in front of me and keep going unless I was numb to it all. For me, this hurt more than any of our fights because I felt what she felts for close to 6 years. How did she do this? How did she stay with me for as long as she did? No one deserves this! I'm not oblivious I knew I hurt her and I've known she had to put up with a lot but to witness it, to relive it from the other side I feel worse than awful. How could she look at me after this? Invite me back into her band…into her life?
We'd been in the scene for a while when I noticed her face change. It was real pain, real tears. She wasn't acting anymore, this was 15 years ago for her. Seeing her genuinely crying ripped my heart in two. I never meant to cause her any of that pain. I never wanted to give her anything but everything she ever wanted. I only ever wanted to make her happy every moment of every day. Make her laugh, help her make all of her dreams come true, and love her a little more each day. But I didn't do any of that. I did the exact opposite of all of it. How could I do this to her? How could I hurt the one person I have loved more than anyone…more than anything?
The scene ended and we left without a word to one another. I left my dressing room and saw her talking to some of the crew. I left because I didn't think she would want to see me tonight. This day broke me down into little bits and pieces, so I can only imagine how she is feeling. This was the first time I lived through a day like this, but for her this was the thousandth time. Today was eye opening and disturbing for me but for her today was déjà vu. She didn't need me to hang around and make whatever she is feeling any worse. The best thing I could do was leave and give her space and time, so that is what I did. I went to a meeting I didn't talk but I sat and listened. Sometimes listening helps more than talking but tonight nothing seemed to help. After the meeting I went back to my hotel room. I took another shower trying to wash this day away and laid down on the bed.
I laid for what seemed like hours but I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning and my head was spinning in all different directions. I went walking, I needed the fresh air. I walked for hours. Today ended far from where I wanted it to. I woke up happy and planning a future with the woman I didn't deserve a first chance with let alone a 100th. But now, how could any of my plans be a reality? We have so much damn water under our bridge how can we not drown in it? Sometimes I wish we could just start over. We could not have our past and come together now, at this moment in our lives. Start with us now and see what happens. Maybe we have this remarkable life filled with only happy memories and I am not responsible with ever disappointing her. But as I wished away our past a sick nauseating feeling came over me. I didn't want to erase our past. Maybe erasing some of the bad wouldn't be the worst idea but there was so much good that I don't want to share with anyone else. She's my first love, I don't want to share that part of me with some other girl. She taught me more about myself through loving me, she showed me I was worthy of being loved. Our relationship was difficult but the love never wavered. She's also why I am the musician I am. Without music my life would seize to even exist. Without music I would not be alive today.
It was close to 2 in the morning before I found my way back to the hotel. I stepped onto the elevator and road back up to my floor. Hopefully I walked enough to tire my body out enough to pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow. I'm pulling the key out of my back pocket and look up to see Ray sitting outside of my door.
"Hey. Where you been?"
"I went for a walk…needed some air."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Think I could come in?"
"Yeah, of course."
I pushed the card into the slot and welcomed her in. She sat on the couch and I sat on the other end.
"Deacon…"
"Can I start?"
"Oh, sure."
"I just want…ugh I just want to say I'm sorry. Today, today was the first real glimpse for me of what it was like for you back then. And I'm truly truly sorry Ray. I wish there was something else I could say or do but I, I can't even believe I'm the one that did that to you."
"I know you are, and I know you didn't. I forgave you a long time ago Deacon."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course."
"Uhm I don't know exactly how to uhm nervous cough why'd you, why did you stay for so long? How did you stay for so long?"
"Because I loved you. I knew the man I fell in love with was still in there and I couldn't abandon him. He needed me and I still loved him. How could I have left you, when I knew that wasn't who you were. "
I started to cry, sincerely cry. It wasn't a few tears falling that I could turn and hide from her, they were a constant flow of tears. She loved me so much and I took her for granted. She stayed through all of that hell because she hoped the man she fell in love with was still in me. She's loved me way more than I deserved back then. She came closer to me and pulled my head into her lap. She massaged my head until I stopped crying. When I stopped, I sat up and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her slowly, I could taste the salt from our tears.
"Deacon…I…I need to say something now. I need to say what I came here to say and you kissing me is very distracting."
"Ok, sorry. You're turn."
"Ok, well today, exposed things for me that I had long sense buried and forgotten. It took me a long time to get closure from us. Our 11 years, were filled with so much love, but they were also consumed with devastating lows. I left you, feeling like the worst version of myself. And today all of it came up like a wave from tsunami and took me drowning with it. I left the set scared…terrified really. I never wanted to feel that devastation ever again. When I moved on with my life I thought that part of my past was over. And all of it had me questioning everything. Questioning this tour, our song, last night…but when I went back to my room and had some time to step away from it I realized something."
"What's that?"
"That that version of us, me and you, that isn't who we are anymore. We are different stronger individuals because of our past. I don't want to change any of it, and I don't want it taint what we could have now. We were apart and grew into the people we are today and created a friendship stronger than anything we had before. Deacon Claybourne, I love you. I've loved you from the first time I ever laid eyes on you. The first time I ever heard you play a note on the guitar. The first time I ever heard you laugh. Since I was 16 years old, it's always been you. And I want to continue to love you for the rest of my life."
She kissed me and I kissed her back.
"I love you too."
I continued to kiss her on the couch. We had an old fashioned high school make out session, only separating a few times to catch our breaths. I grazed my hand over the outside of her flannel along her breast but only for a second. I pecked her lips and pulled away. I ran my hands over her face to whip the tears away. I hate it when she cries. I reached into my back pocket to grab my phone.
"Deacon what are you doing? Texting Carmen to tell her not to come over tonight?"
He laughed and said, "No."
"Then what are you doing?"
"Putting on the song I wrote, for the only woman I have ever loved." I stood up and reached my hand out to her.
"Dance with me."
My broken promises broke your heart
Time and time again
I let everything fall apart
I was such a fool back then
But you loved me once I know
So many sorrys ago
So here I am
And I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand new man won't let you down
If you let me show you
I know how to love you now
There was a time when I held your hand
I would have died to keep you safe
That's why it kills me that I'm the man
That put those tears on your face
I don't blame you for moving on
And maybe all of my chances are gone
But here I am and I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand new man won't let you down
It you let me show you
I know how to love you now
I see that look in your eyes
You're scared
And I understand why
So am I
But here I am and I just pray
That you will listen long enough
To hear me when I say
This brand new man won't let you down
If you let me show you
I know how to love you now
Girl let me show you
I know how to love you
Now…
"When did you write this?"
"A few days after the park."
She kissed me and lead me to the bedroom. We made love and I cherished every touch, every kiss, every breath. She's everything, and being here with her again there aren't even words to articulate the happiness I felt holding her in my arms as she drifted off to sleep. I stayed awake watching her. She looked peaceful and for a brief moment I forgot we were older. She looked the way she looked the first night she let me hold her like this. This wasn't going to be easy, nothing with us ever was but none of that matters. I don't need it to be easy or simple, I just need her.