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Still Breathing

Whispered Thoughts

Chapter Ten

EPOV

We spent the evening together, not doing much of anything at all, and yet, every moment was seared into my mind and I knew I'd remember every soft smile, every whispered laugh. Anthony never spoke, but by now that was to be expected. Neither Bella nor I wanted to push the matter. Not now, not while everything was so new. Instead, he watched us with a reserved curiosity, and I took it as a positive sign that he was interested at all.

I should have known that our peaceful evening would only bring more chaos. The luck we'd carried over the last few years was nothing if not hateful, and I wondered, not for the first time, what we'd done to deserve the hand that life kept dealing us. With morning came more noise than I was accustomed to hearing lately, the sound of crowds typically reserved for courtroom dealings, but this wasn't a public place. I woke to the sound of voices that were, though muffled, still distinctly outside of our home. Car doors slammed and before I could lift myself from the couch, Bella padded into the room and a sharp knock hit the front door. She shot me a worried look and immediately went for the stairs, bypassing the front door entirely in favor of checking on Anthony.

That left me to deal with whatever laid beyond our doorstep, and my face was etched with anger even before I pulled the door open. I'd had an inkling of what it was before I had rolled off of the couch, but what greeted me was far worse than what I'd imagined. The street was lined with vehicles, most of which were vans, and the two officers trying to herd and scare off reporters were slowly being guided back towards our house. In front of me stood Garrett, his face more grim than I'd yet to see it. My eyes moved past him and raked over the reporters lining the sidewalk, the few that had gotten brave and stood scattered across the lawn, the four that stood with the deputies that were distracted enough that I was sure James could slip by undetected if he tried. To the neighbors that stood in their driveways, the cameras pointed in our direction. Without a word, I stepped to the side and allowed Garrett into the house.

"I knew it'd be bad, when news broke, but this is worse than I thought it would be." Pulling his hat from his head, Garrett ran a hand through his shaggy hair before continuing. "I'm going to be honest with you, Edward. It isn't good. If James is still watching, still looking for any of you, he knows exactly where to find you because of the parasites outside."

Letting out a frustrated breath, the man drops his hands to his sides. "There is an upside to this, however. We're going to release what we know about James. We'll keep Anthony out of it, try to shield him and what we know about what happened as much as possible, but it's only a matter of time before someone talks. We're hoping that, before it gets to that point, someone will recognize the bastard and we can apprehend him."

I hoped he was right.

It took forty five minutes and seven people before I put my foot down and stopped answering the door. Garret only stuck around for a few minutes, citing that he needed to deal with the mess that this case was turning into, and I was glad when he left. I had music on in the living room in a feeble attempt to block out the noise of the reporters outside, but that hadn't stopped anyone from knocking on our door. Neighbors, mostly, and a few officers checking in to make sure everything was alright. I understood the necessity of their presence, appreciated it, even, but that didn't make their incessant interruptions any easier to swallow.

I had learned that the police could only do so much, and so I nodded and went along with what they said, but I was busy making my own plans to protect my family. I wouldn't let anything happen to them, not again. Not this time. So I turned the volume of the stereo up and typed out a quick email to Jasper, letting him know about the sea of news outlets currently stationed outside my house. I filled Bella's favorite mug with coffee just the way she liked it, and I let Jasper know that he should pull into the garage and use the back door if he showed up with papers for us to sign. He also needed to be prepared to represent us on multiple fronts, one of which being a lawsuit against the press junkets outside for obstruction, privacy invasion of a minor and harassment. I wasn't taking any chances. We both knew the cases would end up thrown out eventually, but at least I could be a royal pain in the ass to every camera crew looking for a story on my front goddam lawn.

I made it really fucking clear that Alice was in no way, shape or form welcome at my house.

Glancing at the staircase, I rummaged through the refrigerator and pulled out some eggs, milk, juice and bread. I wasn't spectacular in the kitchen but at least I could make eggs and toast. I knew Bella hadn't been taking very good care of herself as of late, and if I had anything to do with it, she'd be eating regularly at the very least. I'd save her from herself if that's what I needed to do.

Once the food was ready, I called up the stairs to Bella and Anthony, telling them to come down for breakfast before I made my way into my office. I needed my iPad and my laptop to look into the bullshit that was going on all around us. If they were already outside, I'm sure we were gracing headlines across the state. The thought of my wife and sons faces plastered across news articles and phone screens everywhere had me raging before the day had even started.

I set myself up at the kitchen island and sipped my coffee as I logged into my accounts, checking emails and search engines for any news articles about us. As I lost myself in the hunt, Bella wandered in, Anthony in tow. I watched from the corner of my eye as he reached his arm up to hold her hand as she walked him to the table, the sight hitting my chest in the very best way. I smiled the minute I saw them, my eyebrows going up and my grin growing wider as Anthony watched me as he walked by, his eyes curious as he blinked a few times. Bella lifted him into his little man seat at the table and sat across from him while she brushed his hair into an adorable comb over with curls. He wrinkled his nose and messed up the back with his fingers but Bella just laughed and moved to grab his plate of food.

Even with the chaos outside and the classical music pouring into the kitchen from the living room, I heard his little 'thank you' as if he'd spoken it right next to my ear rather than mumbled it from across the kitchen.

We would be just fine.

—

I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not. There are always those moments where you're floating somewhere in between awake and asleep, where you're not quite conscious but you're aware of what's going on around you and reality becomes a muddled little thing. At first, I thought it might be in my head, another nightmare. I'd had enough to know what they felt like, and the ache in my chest let me know I wasn't too far off, but there was this nagging feeling inside me, something pulling me out of that dreamlike state. I heard her screams, her cries. I jolted out of my sleep, my feet getting tangled in the sheets. I hit the floor with a loud thud and winced as my elbow smacked into the coffee table. My heart was racing as I kicked the sheets from my feet and eyed the stairs, praying the screaming wasn't coming from Anthony's bedroom. Two seconds passed and I knew that it wasn't.

There was no hesitation as I moved through the dark towards what was once our bedroom, my eyes frantically searching for Bella. The bed was obviously slept in, the sheets crumpled and the pillows tossed around as if she had pushed them away from her in her sleep.

"Bella?" My voice was a hoarse whisper in the dark tinged with a worry that was only growing, particularly because I didn't see her anywhere in the room. A cold shot of fear went through my veins. The screaming had stopped. There were no cries, not even a whisper of sound.

Flipping the light switch on the wall, my eyes scanned the the room, searching for my wife. There was no sign of any struggle apart from the state of the bed. I could feel my heart rate pick up as I took a few more steps into the room, whispering now as I called her name a few more times.

"Bella, it's me. It's Edward. Where are you?" I crossed the room slowly, my bare feet stepping on something really soft. I looked down to find a fluffy white throw blanket hanging off the edge of the bed and onto the floor. My mind was whirling, taking in the details at a rate that I couldn't keep up with. It must've fallen as she ran out of bed. The blanket was half dragged and pointing towards the other side of the room, so I willed my feet to follow where it led.

"Baby, Tell me where you are." I ran a hand through my hair, frustration and nerves getting the better of me as I pushed the door to the bathroom open and peeked my head inside. I flicked the light on and pushed the shower curtain aside, not that I thought she'd be hiding in there, but you never knew. If Bella was having nightmares, there was no telling where she would be hiding. I hoped and prayed that that was what this was. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I would find if James had broken in.

I came up empty handed, my ears straining to hear something. Anything. Just as I left the bathroom, it dawned on me. She told me exactly where to find her. She told me how many nights she had spent locked in our closet, wearing my clothes and hiding from her own mind.

With a gentle click of the door handle, I pushed the double doors open to our bedroom closet and peered into the darkness. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, to skim the racks of clothes, but sure enough, my girl was curled up in a ball, all the way against the back wall on my side of the closet. I didn't turn the light on, didn't want her to be afraid or embarrassed or whatever else she might be feeling. Walking past the rows of clothes, I knelt down and crawled the rest of the way, sliding into place next to my wife, my back against the wall. Bella was practically shaking, her head resting against her knees as she hugged them. She didn't lift her head.

"Bella? What happened? Did you have a bad dream?" My voice was soft, careful. I didn't want to frighten her by being too close, but my hands were shaking with restraint. I wanted to reach out, to pull her into my arms and kiss away her fears. To tell her that everything was fine, that we'd be alright. To let her know that I was here, that Anthony was here, that whatever demons plagued her mind couldn't take that away. Couldn't change that. I wanted… so damn much, but this wasn't about me, and I'd been selfish for long enough. I didn't have the right to do those things, hadn't earned the honor, so I clenched my fists at my sides and kept my eyes on the only woman who had ever made me feel alive. There was no response for what felt like hours but was likely only minutes. Her breathing evened out, and even in the darkness I could see her body shifting towards me.

"Edward." It was nothing more than a whisper, almost as if she didn't want me to hear her. I lifted my hand and stroked the back of hers as it hugged her knees. I'm here, Bella, I promise.

"I'm here. Tell me what's wrong." She still hadn't lifted her head, but I could hear her sniffles, could hear her teeth clattering against each other. My brows pulled together and my heart clenched in my chest. My wife was hiding in the dark, crying into her knees, and I was helpless. I wondered how often she found herself tucked into this little corner, how many times she had cried herself to sleep against this wall. How many times she whispered my name into the darkness and received no response. Two years worth of guilt and fear shocked me to my core and the need to protect her shot to the surface. Moving closer, I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her against my side, using my other hand to push her hair away from her face, urging her to look at me.

"Talk to me, Princess." A name I hadn't called her in so long, too long. My voice was soft and rough, the voice of a man desperate to help but afraid of what he'd find, but she lifted her head. Even through the darkness, I could see the sadness in her eyes, the pain and the fear. Her tears spilled down her cheeks and her little nose was red from sniffling. She leaned close to me and laid her head against my shoulder. I didn't want to push her too much, to force her into trusting me. She had to talk on her own terms. So I waited. And waited. And waited.

I wasn't sure how much time passed before I finally heard her voice break through the sound of our breathing, but it was definitely long enough for me to start to doze off as we sat with our backs to the closet wall under rows of hanging suits.

"Is this real, Edward?" Her voice was barely there, soft silence all around us, and I almost didn't hear her as my head rested heavily on top of hers. I blinked back the drowsiness and stroked my thumb across the back of her hand.

"Us sitting in the closet at... four AM? Yes, it's very real." I breathed a low chuckle, trying to relax her a little, and she tilted her head as she lifted it off of my chest, forcing me to lift my own head as I glanced down at her. "It's real, Bella. I'm right here. Anthony is asleep in his bed, safe. We're all safe. We're all home." I kept my voice low, but my words came with the conviction I knew she needed.

"I'm scared. I'm afraid it's not real, that I'll wake up and you'll be gone. Anthony will be gone." She paused, more tears spilling as she whispered almost angrily, painfully. "It feels real… but it's felt this way before. It was real for a little while and then it wasn't. I can't tell the difference sometimes." Her last few words came broken, hushed, but a cry shook her and it took everything I had not to sweep her up in my arms and carry her into bed where I could hold her until the sun rose and chased away her fears. I pushed back my selfishness yet again and focused on what she needed to hear, or at least what I knew I could offer in such a fucked up situation.

"I swear on everything that I am that it's real, Bella. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me. I should've stayed. I should've fought harder and taken care of you. I'm sorry for not being… for not being strong enough." Blinking back my own tears, I kissed the top of her head and laid my legs out straight in front of me, feeling relief from the uncomfortable position we had been sitting in, and yet perfectly content to be sitting here beside her. "It's real. It's all real."

"What if it isn't? What if I wake up and it all goes away? Maybe I really am crazy now, and this is how it'll always be for me. The doctors, they don't listen. They just hand out pills like skittles. I didn't want the pills, I didn't even take them. Not this time. I flushed them. All of them, Edward, you have to believe me, I didn't mean to..." Her words were tinging on frantic and I didn't understand how she had gotten to that point or why she was so upset about her medication.

"Shh, Baby. It's okay, what pills? What do you mean? Tell me what happened." I started to have an uneasy surge of energy, inside me, around me. It was everywhere. It was enough to raise the hair at the back of my neck and send goosebumps across my arms. I felt it in my gut, something had happened while I was gone. Something bad. I swallowed with thick emotion, tightening my hold on her as a handful of possibilities went through my mind, none of them pleasant, all of them adding to the guilt that already crippled me.

"It's nothing, I went through a really dark time. That's all." She didn't want to tell me, not yet at least. I could sense that something bad happened, even had a feeling that I knew what it was, but if she wasn't ready to talk about it, I could wait. She was here, in my arms. She was breathing and whole, or as whole as she could be. In the meantime, I knew I had to take to care of her, and I was more than grateful for the opportunity to do so. I would be patient and let everything fall into place on its own. I promised her that, just as I promised myself that I'd search this house from top to bottom and rid the place of any medication at the first chance I got.

Just to be safe.

"We can talk about it when you're ready. You know you can tell me anything. You can trust me. I know it's going to take some time, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm exactly where I belong. Finally." I meant it. Every word. This time it was her turn to lighten the mood.

"You mean in a closet at four AM?" Her laugh was breathy, beautiful to hear, but I knew her well enough to know that it was forced. I didn't care where we were as long as we were together. So I wrapped my arm around her and let her lay her head back against my shoulder and smiled, perfectly fucking happy to be hiding in a closet at four AM.

"No place else I'd rather be. I don't know about you but I'm pretty damn cozy in here." I yanked on a hanging hoodie of mine and laughed when the hanger flip-flopped to the floor somewhere we couldn't see and draped it over the front of my wife, keeping her safe under my arm, in our closet, and we drifted off to sleep. We had spent every minute so focused on Anthony that I hadn't realized that my wife was still going through the trauma in her own head. So tonight, just for a little while, I made it about her. Strictly for comfort, no moves, no intimate touches, just a husband taking care of his wife, but that didn't stop the thoughts from passing through my mind, didn't stop the whirlwind of memories from flowing through my mind like a carousel. Soft touches and whispered kisses, twisted fingers and tangled sheets.

In that moment, with Bella tucked in beside me and my son sleeping upstairs, I knew deep down to the root of my soul that we would survive this.

Not entirely sure what time it was, the sun peeked through the bedroom and cast a shadowy glow through the closet. I shifted minimally, careful not to wake Bella but when my back cracked from the position, I let out a growl of pain, effectively waking Bella with a scowl. She laughed.

"Well, good morning to you too." We were in the exact sitting position we had fallen asleep in, only more uncomfortable, completely stiff but still smiling. Her voice was raspy from sleep or from crying, I wasn't sure, but she was okay. She was still Bella. I silently wondered how many nights she had spent crying in this very closet and woke up worse than the night before. Woke up alone to an empty house, to walls painted with happy memories that she couldn't touch. I hoped it would never happen to her again. I silently promised to always be here so we could go through it together, and even though I had vowed to do it once and failed, there wasn't a chance in hell I'd break that promise again.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm looking forward to being back on the couch." We both smiled and I inched my way up the wall, groaning in protest as she laughed again. I stood in front of her with my hand out, smiling as she took it. Lifting her off the floor, she swayed from the movement and I took it as a sign that she needed something to eat. She was too fucking skinny. Steadying her with both hands on her hips, I pulled her a little bit closer, the little devil on my shoulder ever present as I stared down at her mouth, silently reminding myself to stay on my own side of the line. The silence felt heavy as she yawned and pressed her hands against my chest, and I couldn't help but wonder if she had to struggle with these thoughts the way I did.

"How about some breakfast?" I flashed her a crooked smile and she nodded, shifting on her feet as she looked to me expectantly. I watched her eyes and then fixated on her mouth. I became very aware of the way her tiny hips felt under the pressure of my hands. and even more aware of the fact that there wasn't much distance between us anymore. It would be so easy. To fall. It would be so goddamn easy. It always was with Bella. I fell in love with her so many times already and I knew if I stood here for another minute, I wouldn't be able to step away from her. I recognized the look in her eyes, knew it very well. She thought I was going to kiss her. There's nothing I wanted more, and my heart clenched as realization hit. I couldn't do it. Not yet. I promised her and I promised myself that I would do it right. I couldn't fuck this up again. My heart was pounding in my chest at the mere thought of kissing her lips, something that I had done a million times before, but I knew that when I finally did, the wait would be more than worth it. It wasn't without difficulty that I licked my lips and offered a small smile as I unwrapped my arms from around her and leaned down to brush my mouth against her cheek, my words whispered against soft skin. "I'll check on Anthony and get started in the kitchen."

"I'll just be a few minutes." Her voice was soft, but she was still smiling. Good sign. I backed away from her, never taking my eyes off of her, and when she breathed a laugh and hugged my hoodie to her body, I flashed a familiar smirk her way before pushing the doors open and silently leaving the room.

As I passed through the living room, I glanced out the window, pushing the blinds apart and groaning at the sight of even more cameras, nosy neighbors, press assholes. I chose to ignore them for a little while longer and headed straight up the stairs to Anthony's room.

When I saw that my little man was still tucked in sweetly, a thought crossed my mind. How did he not hear Bella crying last night? He didn't hear her scream. I paused in my own thoughts.

Didn't hear her scream. Nobody had heard, not Anthony, not the cops stationed outside. My breath caught in my throat, the thought bouncing around in my head. The police were here for that exact reason, to keep an eye out and listen for anything out of the ordinary. Bella had yelled more than once, and -

A scream cuts my thoughts short. It was high pitched and muffled, and I knew without thinking that it wasn't Bella. Still, my face paled and I backed out of Anthonys bedroom, leaving him sleeping peacefully on his bed. The moment his bedroom door clicked shut, a pounding started at the front door, the urgency of which didn't stop until I pulled it open and wished, for just a moment, that Bella and I were still hiding in our closet.

A/N: ~gasps~ What do you guys think happened? This little family can't seem to catch a break. Leave us your thoughts, comments or questions! We'll do our best to answer them. Thank you for the love!

~ Fireheart & Firefly ~