Many thanks to Charmie for all of her help. She convinced me that the chapter was a little too long and she was right.

This is for RandyWriter and blb0157, who both contacted me about this story. You restored my faith that someone is actually out there reading this little endeavor.

Just an FYI note: There will only be one more chapter and then this story will be finished. I am at the halfway point in writing the final chapter and hope to have it posted within a couple of weeks.

Have a Little Faith

Chapter 10

Bella came over after she left the hospital that night and I told her what Momma had said. I guess that the look on my face spoke volumes because she wrapped her arms around me and just held me. I didn't cry... I'm still a man... but I did think. I sat there in Bella's arms with my cheek pressed against her chest and I thought of all the things I had seen Momma do for us. She did so much that we could see, but what about the things that we never saw?

After who knows how long, I pulled away from Bella slightly and asked, "How long does she have... honestly?"

"I can't give you a definite answer to that. We should get the kidney biopsy results from UAB tomorrow."

"Okay. What do you think it will say?"

"Honey, I don't know. I'm hoping for good news, but..."

"But what?"

She looked down at her lap before she answered me. "Hope and faith will only take you so far; then you have to rely on science and logic."

"What are you seeing that you don't want to say? Don't say 'nothing'. I can see it in your eyes. There's something that you don't even want to admit to yourself. What is it?"

She bit her lip and I saw fear flash across her face. "She has all the symptoms. Dr. Gore isn't as optimistic as I am. He thinks that it's renal cancer."

I pulled completely from her arms and put my head between my knees. I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out... or throw up... or something. I just felt sick. "Fuck," I managed to whisper. I felt her start to rub circles on my back.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to get you some water?"

"Why didn't the MCL chemo work? Shouldn't it kill the kidney cancer too?"

"It was a different formulation. The Anderson Protocol is very specific for MCL. We were so focused on treating the lymphoma that we didn't see... we didn't even think to check for anything else. I'm sorry."

"No, don't you ever apologize for this. It isn't your fault. I've never blamed you." She gave me a look that said really. "Okay, I blamed you for like a second, but you know that I didn't mean any of that, right? I was being an asshole and nothing that I can say will ever make it right, but I'm sorry. Please don't forget that I love you no matter what happens. I was out of line, but ultimately, I don't blame you. This is definitely not your fault."

She pulled her hand away and clasped them in her lap. "It sometimes feels like it is," she whispered.

"Remember what you told me before... about God? He doesn't make bad things happen to good people. Things just happen, right? He doesn't take people... he receives them."

"You remember all of that?"

"I remember everything that you tell me. I remember that especially because it was the first time that religion made sense to me. It was the first time that someone had explained God to me and it sounded right."

"You know, we've never really talked about your beliefs, Edward. What do you believe?"

I smirked and said, "I don't. I thought that you knew. I'm agnostic. I don't believe in God."

Bella smiled and asked, "Are you sure?"

I nodded and said, "I'm pretty sure that I don't believe in God."

"Then you aren't agnostic... you are an atheist. But I don't believe that. I think that you aren't sure that there is a God. Since you have no personal knowledge, you believe that God must not exist. But you want someone to prove you wrong. That's why you aren't an atheist. You want someone to show you proof. An atheist doesn't want proof. Their mind is made up and closed. I think that you are open to explanations. It's not that you don't believe in God; you don't have definitive proof of His existence. You should be from Missouri."

"What does Missouri have to do with this conversation?" I asked.

"It's the 'show me' state. You want someone to show you God. Look around you, Edward... this is God."

"See, that's why I have a problem with Christianity. What am I supposed to see? Where is He exactly?"

Bella reached out and placed her hand on my chest. "He's right here." She placed her other had on her own chest. "And He's here. God is in all of us. He is in people like your mother... good and kind. He's in murderers and thieves. He's in us all. You just have to learn how to look."

"But what if Christianity is the wrong one? What if the Muslims have it right... or the Jews... or the Mormons..."

"Mormons are Christians," she replied.

"You know what I mean. Which religion is the right religion?"

"All of them... none of them. It isn't about religion, Edward."

"Yes, it is," I insisted.

"My God, you're not agnostic or atheistic. You're anti-religion! This has nothing to do with God. You believe in God." I shook my head. "You can deny it all you want, but deep down, Edward... you believe in God. You just don't believe in organized religion. That's okay. A lot of people don't believe in organized religion. Don't label yourself as an agnostic, because that's not what or who you are."

"I disappoint Momma because I won't go to church with them and I won't pray. I hurt her when I don't want to hurt her."

"Maybe," Bella said as she draped her arm across my slumped shoulders. "Or... maybe she worries about you."

"I don't want her to worry about me, but I'm not sure. I have questions."

She pulled me toward her in an awkward hug. "We all have questions... we're human after all. Questions are normal... doubts are normal. I can't tell you what you should do or what you should believe, Edward. That's something you have to figure out for yourself. I'll be here if..."

I interrupted her and said, "When... never if."

She smiled and continued, "When you need me. No matter what conclusions you reach... I'll still love you."

I was sitting in my office the next morning staring out at the Birmingham skyline when Jasper stuck his head in my door.

"Yo," he said. "What'cha doin'?"

I sighed and turned around in my chair. "Thinking. I know that's a foreign concept to you, but it is done occasionally. What do you want?"

"Man, you are in a foul mood," he said as he flopped down in one of the chairs in front of my desk. "What crawled up your ass?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Fuck you," I said as I turned back to stare out the window.

Jasper laughed and then said, "Dude, seriously, you have got to chill. You are an uptight bitch. What is wrong with you?"

I turned back to him and looked over his shoulder. I nodded behind him and said, "Close the door."

He furrowed his brow in confusion, but got up and did as I requested. He sat back down and asked, "Is something seriously wrong, Edward? Is it Esme?"

"Yes and no. She's a lot sicker than we all thought and I'm extremely worried about that. She says that I have to be the strong one when she goes. When, Jazz. She's starting to say things like that. I don't think I can do it. When I think about losing her it makes me physically ill. I don't know what to do."

"We'll all be here for you, man; you and Carlisle. You won't be alone. Is that what has you so upset?"

"Mainly... yes."

"But that isn't all. What did you want to ask me?"

"Do you go to the Christmas service with Momma and Daddy?"

"We all go... you know that."

I turned back to the window. "We don't all go. I don't go."

"You also don't pray with us. We accept it, Edward. It's not that big of a deal."

I whipped back around and said, "What if it is a big deal? What is wrong with me that I can't go into a building for an hour and sit there to make my mother happy? Why can't I just... look at the floor or something when ya'll pray? Why don't I just go through the motions to make her not worry about me?"

"Because you're not a hypocrite. Listen, man, half the people in that room at the Christmas service only set foot in the church twice a year... Christmas and Easter... present company included. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian or even a good person. I guarantee that Newton graces the door of whatever church he goes to every Sunday and we both know what a sleaze he is. He goes with the same objective he had when he went out to the club the night before... to pick up women.

"That you don't go to church or pray isn't what upsets Esme. She thinks that you're lost. Esme's generation thinks that if you don't have faith then you are... I don't know... adrift. You have no direction. I don't think that's the case with you. I think that you're too analytical for your own good. You want to put your hands on it."

He leaned over and placed his hands on my desk. "It's like this desk. You know that it's a desk because someone told you that it is a desk and that it exists... and because you can put your hands on it. Faith is the same. For most people all it takes is for a preacher or a parent or some authority figure to say, 'There is a God and He exists.' Not for you. You have to put your hands on it."

He leaned back and said, "When you figure out how to touch God, then you'll believe."

"You just basically told me that I'll never believe because there is no way to touch God."

"No, that is not what I said. I said that when you figure out how to touch Him, then you will believe. If anybody can find a way to touch God, then it will be you."

My phone began to vibrate on my desk. I picked it and saw that it was Bella. I held a finger up to Jasper and answered the call. "Hey, love, what's up?"

"Can you come to the hospital right now?" she asked.

"I can, but why do I need to?"

"We have the biopsy results from UAB and you need to be there when we tell your parents."

I don't remember what I said to Jasper. Hell, I don't remember ending the call with Bella. The next thing I remember after agreeing to be at the hospital in less than ten minutes is sitting in the passenger seat of Jasper's Z71 and hearing "Freak on a Leash" by Korn coming out of the speakers at a volume equivalent to a sound check at Oak Mountain Amphitheater.

"You have got to turn this shit off," I screamed.

"What?" Jasper yelled back as he turned the volume down to a conversational level. "What did you say?"

"Could you please turn that off or change it or... something... anything? I can't listen to Korn right now." I might have said it with a little more bile than necessary. I was sitting in the seat of Jasper's massive truck having an internal freak out and the motherfucker beside me was calmly driving toward my possible personal Armageddon while blasting Korn like it was a typical day and we were going to a fucking meeting or to court or some ordinary shit. This wasn't normal or typical, or ordinary or any other adjective. We were going to the hospital to hear the results of Momma's biopsy. Results, that judging by the tone of Bella's voice, were not good.

Jasper pressed a button on his ipod and the song switched to "Without Me" by Eminem.

"Seriously?" I asked. "Just turn the shit off, okay?"

"You have got to calm down," he said as he turned off the entire system washing us in blessed silence.

We were just passing UAB on the way to University Boulevard when Jasper said, "Alice is meeting us there. She called Ro and Em, but they're in Gadsden. They're on their way though."

I nodded as I started to gnaw on the corner of my mouth. Momma always hated it when I did this. It's a nervous habit, much like Bella's chewing of her bottom lip. I tend to get carried away and bite to the point that I leave a sore in the corner of my mouth. Momma always thumped my ear and told me to cut it out. Just thinking about it made me wonder who would thump my ear after she was gone.

"It's too quiet in here," I heard Jasper mumble. He hates the quiet. There's always music playing or a television on in any space that Jasper occupies. He says that the background noise calms him.

I turned to him and asked, "Do you have any Dave on that thing?"

We were stopped at a redlight so he picked up the ipod and began scrolling through it. "What do you want to hear?"

"'Save Me'," I replied as I continued to stare out the window. We had made it to University Boulevard and were passing the Doubletree Hotel. I was noting the irony of the mentioning of trees in the concrete jungle that is downtown Birmingham, Alabama when the first strains of the song came through the speakers.

Driving through the desert I met a man

Who told me of his crazy plan.

He'd been walking there for twenty days.

He was gonna walk on for twenty more.

I said, "How 'bout a drink or a bite to eat?"

He said, "No, my faith is all I need."

So then, save me, save me,

Mister Walking Man, if you can.

"Is it really all you need?" I said to no one in particular.

"What?" Jasper asked. I didn't look away from the window. I kept listening to Dave sing about faith and beg a stranger to save him.

You don't need to prove a thing to me.

Just give me faith; make me believe.

"Make me believe," I whispered. "Save me, Stranger, if you please. Or am I too far gone to get back home?"

I swear I heard someone whisper in my ear, 'Try savin' yourself.'

Jasper's behemoth of a vehicle wouldn't fit in the parking deck, so we had to park in the lot behind the hospital. I sprinted across the street, leaving Jasper to fend for himself, and ran up the hill to the entrance of the hospital. I was throwing myself at the sliding doors when my phone vibrated in my pocket.

"I only run if someone is chasin' me, asshole. Wait for me at the door," Jasper said curtly and then hung-up on me.

I started pacing in front of the doors. Jasper was apparently taking his own sweet time walking up that hill. I was debating telling him to go fuck himself and go on up to the fourth floor when I caught a brief glimpse of the rotating, crystal Jesus behind the glass in front of the hospital chapel entrance.

I walked over to it and stared as it made its clock-wise 360 degree turn inside of its glass enclosure. The statue looked like any Jesus you'd see; long-hair, beard, long robes, sandals, hands out stretched at his sides. It was beautiful.

I tasted blood as I finally broke through the skin at the corner of my mouth. I couldn't tear my eyes form the crystal Jesus. Jasper found me there. He stepped up beside me and started staring as well.

I cocked my head to one side and said, "No one has ever explained things to me like Bella and Emmett and you have explained things. Why is it that ya'll make sense, but all the preachers and youth ministers I've encountered only added to my confusion and made me think that something was wrong with me for having doubts and questions?"

"I don't honestly know, man. It's not like I heard anything useful at church either. I think I just came to my own conclusions. I mean, not everything that they preach in church can be right. It doesn't always make sense and it's sometimes contradictory. I think that it all comes down to being as good a person as you can be while you're here and thanking God for the things that you have."

I chuckled and turned to look at him. "So be good and thankful. That's it?"

He shrugged and smiled. "I guess. You know, 'do unto others' and all that shit."

The sliding doors opened and gale force Alice blew in. "Why in the hell are you standing here staring at Jesus? Let's go people!" She flew past us, managing to grab Jasper by the wrist as she went and dragged him down the hall to the elevators. I ran to catch up and was rounding the corner when they both disappeared into the elevator.

"Get the lead out, Edward," she called to me as I dove into the closing elevator.

The doors opened to the fourth floor. We all tumbled out and headed in different directions with the same destination in mind. Jasper and Alice made it to the door before me. I was about to burst through the door when Alice stopped me by grabbing my forearm.

"Are you going to be okay in there?"

"Well, yeah. Why do you ask?"

"You freak out."

"I do not freak out."

"Dude," Jasper said nodding his head, "you freak out."

"It's not a bad thing," Alice said as she started rubbing my arm. I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrows. "Okay, it's a bad thing, but you always calm down after you've had time to think about it. Let's skip to the calmed down part this time. We all know that it's bad. We all know that Aunt Esme is very sick. Whatever they tell us will not be a newsflash. We all knew ten months ago that she was living on borrowed time. Just keep your cool until you're at home, or in your car, somewhere away from her and your daddy. Then you can freak out all you want. Got it?"

I gritted my teeth and stared down at the little task master standing in front of me. "When did we put you in charge?" I asked.

"I'm not in charge, Edward. I'm just as upset as you are, but I'm not the one who's sick. I hold it together for Esme and my momma and you. Do the same for your momma. Okay?"

I nodded and said, "Okay." I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I heard Momma say 'come in' as I was pushing the door open.

"Hey," I breathed as I looked around the room. Daddy was sitting in a chair by Momma's bed and a nurse was on the other side adjusting something on the IV.

"Well, I guess we should call the doctors since everyone is here," Momma said with a weak smile.

"Are you okay, Momma?" I asked.

"I'm having a bit of a bad day, baby, but I'll be okay. Why don't you call Bella? She said that she wanted you here this morning... that she has something to tell us. I wasn't expecting the whole cavalry though."

"We're all in this together, Aunt Ez," Alice said as she walked past me to take Momma's hand. "Momma and Daddy are on the way from Gadsden. They should be here in an hour or so."

"I would say that ya'll don't all have to be here, but I'm being a little selfish today. I want my family with me." She pulled Alice down into a hug. I could hear her whisper something to Alice, but I couldn't make it out. When Alice stood up she nodded her head. I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. She took a deep breath and retreated back to Jasper's waiting arms.

Momma weakly motioned toward me. "Make the call, baby," she said quietly.

I shook my head. "I... I can't. I don't want to." I began backing up until my back hit the wall. "I don't want to know."

"Not knowing doesn't change anything, Edward," Momma said sternly. "Whatever news Bella has for us... it doesn't matter. What's gonna happen will happen, whether we want it to or not."

"I'm not ready," I mumbled.

"Do you think that I am?" Momma asked with obvious indignation. "This isn't about you right now, Edward. Make the call or I'll have your daddy do it."

"Fine," I said a little too loudly. I threw my hands in the air. "Let him call." I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I tossed it to Daddy. "Use my phone."

"God, you are a spoiled rotten ass!" Alice yelled at me. "Do you honestly think that you are the only person in this room that's hurting... grieving... scared? Grow up, Edward." She walked around the bed and snatched the phone from my daddy. "I'll make the call."

Alice scrolled through my phone and hit send. I heard a familiar ringtone just outside the hospital room door. I turned to see Bella standing just outside the door staring at the phone. She looked up and our eyes met. She didn't have to say anything... I knew. I could see the pain and hopelessness in her eyes. She silenced the phone. Her lips parted like she wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say. I shook my head as her eyes found the floor.

It was like my world went into slow motion. With each step that I took to the door it felt as if I was dragging a ninety pound weight. I reached to pull the door open and it suddenly weighed a ton. Bella bit down on her bottom lip. I cupped her cheek with my hand. She looked up into my eyes.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

I shook my head and took her hand as I led her into the room. I walked with Bella to Momma's bedside.

"I'm sorry. You're all right. I'm an ass and I need to grow up. You have something that you need to tell us, don't you?" I turned to see Bella staring into my momma's eyes.

"I didn't want to have to tell you this, Esme, but I wouldn't want you to hear it from anyone else either. The specialist at UAB found some very small cancerous cells in your kidney biopsy." She paused and took a breath. I saw Daddy wrap both of his hands around Momma's.

I squeezed Bella's hand and then let go to sit on the edge of Momma's bed. I placed my hand on top of Momma's and nodded for Bella to continue.

"We... I want to do a full body PET scan to see if it's spread. If it has, then I'd like to discuss possible treatments..."

"No," Momma said suddenly.

Bella glanced at Daddy then at me. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"No more treatments. No more chemo. No radiation. I'm done. Obviously, God is trying to tell me something."

"Momma, please..." I started.

"It isn't your decision, Edward. And it isn't yours either, Carlisle. I'm tired."

"You're tired now, sweetheart, but you may not be tomorrow or the next day," Daddy said. "Let Bella explain everything. Don't make a decision now."

Momma looked around the room and sighed with defeat. "Explain it, Bella. Explain it to them, because I already know that I'm dying. Tell them so that they'll understand why I'm saying no to treatment."

Bella looked at the floor and bit her lip again. "If it has spread," she said quietly, "then there really isn't much that can be done. It will eventually spread to your lungs and..."

"But we don't know that it has spread," I said frantically.

"That's why I want to do the PET scan. If it hasn't spread, then maybe we can..." Bella said before Momma interrupted her.

"You can do the scan, just so we know, but I'm not having anymore treatments."

"Esme, you can't just give up," Daddy pleaded. "You'll have to continue with the dialysis or the toxins will build up. It's excruciating."

"Okay, I'll do dialysis, but no more cancer treatments. I'm done. I don't want to purposely make myself feel worse on the off chance that I might have a few more months. It's not worth it to me. I want to enjoy the time I have left. I don't care if it's a few weeks. I don't want to be sick the whole time."

"But you are sick. You're very sick. You're just having a bad day... you said it yourself when I walked in. Don't make a decision right now. Wait until after the PET scan. Think about it. Please?" I pled with desperation in my voice.

"Baby, I have thought about it. I've done nothing but think about it. For the last ten months, I've been preparing myself for the end. I've been preparing you all for it." Momma took my hand and gently squeezed it.

"You have to let me do what's right for me. You haven't been through chemo and radiation like I have. You don't know how horrible it makes you feel. If I thought that it would save my life or that it would give me ten... not even that many... if I thought it would give me five years, then I would do it. But I know that what I have is a death sentence. I've known it for ten months. Do you think that I left Dr. Gore's office last year and didn't do my own research? I shouldn't be here now, Edward. I should have died four months ago, at least. I shouldn't have had the four relatively healthy months that I had.

"I'm so grateful to God that he gave me this extra time with you... with your father... with Ro and Alice. But I'm out of time, baby. What I was put here to do is done."

"No," I whispered, noticing the tears for the first time. "You're not done. I haven't gotten married and you don't have grandchildren yet. You were going to be around for all of that, remember?"

"Well, you should have worked faster," she said with a mischievous smile. I narrowed my eyes at her and she actually chuckled. "I'm kidding. Quit looking at me like it's inappropriate."

"It kinda is," I heard Jasper muttered. I looked up to see the twinkle in his eye and the smirk on his lips.

"You're gonna be fine," Momma continued. "I think that you've met your match." She looked up at Bella. I turned to see Bella blush and look at the floor.

Daddy reached up and pushed the few, short hairs off of Momma's forehead. "I don't' agree with your decision, but I respect and understand it. I think that most of my opposition to it is that I'm not ready to lose you. You're the only woman I've ever loved. I don't want to imagine a world without you in it."

"I'm not gonna die tomorrow. Am I, Bella?"

Bella wiped the tears from her cheeks and said, "No, probably not tomorrow."

"Then let's enjoy now. I wanna go home."

"I don't think..." I started.

"Are you a doctor?" Momma asked.

"Technically?" I replied.

"Are you a medical doctor?" she asked with an eye roll.

"Well, no."

"Bella, is it feasible for me to go home?"

"I'd like to do the PET scan first, but after that... yeah, you could go home."

Bella scheduled the PET scan for that afternoon. Rosalie and Emmett arrived about an hour before they came to prep Momma for the test. Ro tried in vain, just like the rest of us, to change Momma's mind. She eventually just started to cry and beg. She sat in a chair by Momma's bed and laid her head on Momma's lap. I heard her mumble something that sounded like, 'I can't lose my sister,' but I wasn't sure. Momma stroked Ro's long, blond hair and cried with her.

We all had to leave the room when the technician and the nurse came in to prep Momma for the scan. Emmett wrapped one of his huge arms around Daddy's shoulders and took him to get a cup of coffee. Rosalie and Alice retreated to the family area and huddled together; talking in hushed voices. Jasper went out of the deck to smoke; a habit that he had quit, but used as a crutch in times of extreme stress.

Bella and I were left standing together just outside of Momma's room. She wouldn't look at me and I began to worry that she was going to run again

"Hey," I said to get her attention. She glanced up at me and then looked at the floor again. "Bella, please," I said as I stepped toward her and took her hand. "Look at me."

She looked up with tears brimming in her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

I pulled her into my arms. "None of that. This isn't your fault. You've done a brilliant job. You've given us time that we probably wouldn't have had otherwise."

"I wanted to save her. I've never wanted to make someone live so much in my entire career. I love her so much. I don't want her to go."

"I know. I don't want to lose her either." I stroked her hair and kissed her head. "Tell me something." She pulled back to look at me and nodded. "If she had agreed to some form of treatment, would it have worked?"

She placed her forehead against my chest and said, "I don't know. Probably not."

She looked up at me again. "We couldn't have done any chemo, because of the nonfunctioning kidneys and the radiation would have to have been localized. If it has metastasized, then targeting would have been a problem. Then there's the MCL. Without any treatment, it would eventually become active and then there would have been no stopping it. With or without any form of treatment, she would have only a few months."

She sighed and pulled me to her. "I'm sorry."

"Stop that," I whispered. "You've been great. I've been an ass, but you've been great. Momma's right... I've found my match. I'm so happy that she got to see me in love again. I know that she worried about that."

Bella looked up and smiled. "Again? I thought that I was your 'one and only,'" she teased.

"You are," I replied with a forced smile. I should have known that Bella would see through me.

"You know, you never told me about Kate. I've heard snippets here and there and references that make you change the subject, but you've never really elaborated. What happened?"

I gritted my teeth and removed myself from her embrace. I walked to the window and stared down at the ER parking lot. I felt her hand on my back and I shuddered. I shook my head. I really wanted to tell her that I didn't want to talk about it, because I didn't, but I knew that she would ask again eventually. I turned and leaned against the window ledge. With a heavy sigh I began.

"Kate and I started dating in high school. You saw the pictures. I was kind of nerdy, but I played ball. This didn't exactly put me in with the popular crowd. Kate was a cheerleader. I honestly never figured out what she saw in me. She was so beautiful and I was so... well, not."

"I think that you're beautiful," Bella said as she touched my cheek.

"You're blinded by love. I know the feeling." I chuckled and shook my head. "She was really good to me at first. And I admit that it was nice to finally be in that crowd... the popular group.

"She and Momma never really clashed, but I knew that my devotion to Kate worried Momma. Looking back, I think that I was a little obsessed. She started to change in our senior year. She would be all needy and clingy one minute and then want me to stay the hell away from her the next. I didn't know if I was coming or going, but I thought that it was me. It had to be me. She was too perfect and I was this nerdy guy that she for some reason deigned to date.

"She was so much more experienced than me. She showed me things..." I trailed off when I noticed the uncomfortable expression on Bella's face. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"Anyway, I was in love. I wanted what my momma and my daddy have and I wanted it with Kate. I'd never really dated anyone else and I had surely never 'been with' anyone else. She was going to be it for me; I was sure of it.

"We both got in at the University. I moved into the honors dorm and Kate moved into the freshman girl's dorm, Tutwiler Hall. Her room was ridiculously small. It was like a closet that they had shoved two beds and two dressers into with a desk and a closet added as an afterthought. Lee went up to Montevallo every weekend to see his girlfriend, so Kate would stay with me in my much larger room. It was completely against the rules and I don't know how we didn't get caught, but we never did.

"Lee and I stayed in the same dorm for the entire four years, but Kate moved into an apartment at the beginning of our sophomore year with some girls that she had met in the dorm. That's when things started to change. I had to keep up a certain GPA to maintain my scholarships and to stay in the dorm, but Kate wasn't on scholarship. Her parents could afford to send her to school and pay for the apartment. She wanted to go out a lot more than I was able to at the time. Besides my grades, I didn't have that much money. She didn't always understand. She started to go out on Thursday nights with her girlfriends. Lee and I went a couple of times, but it wasn't our thing. I trusted her, so I didn't think a lot about it.

"I had started staying with her at her apartment on the weekends. It was like playing house... if we hadn't had three other people living with us. I was happy. I was well-satisfied. I was completely in love. I was an idiot.

"I remember that she got really moody and confrontational. I thought that she was having extremely bad PMS, but it lasted for weeks. I tried to be passive and accommodating. I just kept my head down and did the 'yes, dear' thing, but she was always so angry with me.

"She finally caught me on a bad day and I snapped. I don't even remember what the fight was about or how it started; I just remember that we were yelling at each other in her apartment, when she collapsed to the floor and screamed, 'I'm pregnant.'

"Time seemed to stop. I stared down at her in confusion. We'd always used protection. I think I might even have said that to her because she reminded me that it wasn't one hundred percent effective. I remember kneeling in front of her and pulling her to me. I think that I told her that it would be alright. I do remember that I told her that I loved her. I told her that I'd marry her. I think that I was actually happy about it. She would be mine forever.

"I know I had a goofy smile on my face, when she finally looked up at me. I know that I was happy because what she said next felt like someone had reached inside of me and ripped out my guts. She said... and I remember the words like it was yesterday... 'It might not be yours.'"

Bella's mouth dropped open in surprise. She took my hand and said, "Oh, Edward. What did you do?"

"I sat on the floor and stared at her. I couldn't believe what she had said. I asked her what she meant and that's when she told me about what was really happening on those Thursday nights. She wasn't really sure who the father was. I was a possibility, but there were two or three others.

"I suddenly didn't recognize her. She wasn't the person I thought that I had known. I must have been looking at her differently because she went into desperation mode. She grabbed me and begged me not to leave her. She then started swearing that it had to be mine.

"I peeled her off of me and left. I drove all the way back to Gadsden without even packing a bag or calling to let anyone know where I was going. I pulled into the driveway at Momma and Daddy's house. I sat in the car for a long time. I didn't know what I was going to tell them. Daddy came out to get the mail and found me sitting in the car. He walked me into the house and sat me at the kitchen table.

"I told them everything. I was devastated. There was still a chance that it was mine. I didn't know what to do. Momma wanted to call Kate's parents, but I didn't know if she had told them yet so I wouldn't let Momma make the call.

"Daddy gave me a sleeping pill and I conked out on the couch. I guess Kate finally figured out where I had gone, because Momma woke me after a few hours and said that Kate was on the phone. I didn't want to talk to her, but Momma thought that I should. We had to make some decisions; that was Momma's reasoning.

"I told Kate that she needed to tell her parents and that it should be sooner rather than later. She asked me to go with her and I reluctantly agreed. She drove up that night and stayed in the guest room at Momma and Daddy's. I couldn't sleep with her. She wasn't who I thought that she was.

"The next morning, Sunday morning, she called Gary and Brenda from our house and said that she had something to tell them. We drove over there in silence. I remember that when Gary answered the door he shook my hand and called me 'son.' It was like another punch to the gut. We sat in their formal living room and Kate immediately burst into tears. I couldn't comfort her. I was just numb.

"She finally sputtered out that she was pregnant. Her mother fainted and her dad stood up and back handed me across the face. I fell to my hands and knees. I was so angry. I stood up and I said the first thing that popped into my head. I told him that she had been slutting around and it might not be mine. Which made him promptly hit me again.

"By this time Brenda was conscious and was sobbing uncontrollably, Kate was hysterical as well, and Gary was standing over me threatening to kill me. I'd had enough. I had made my decision. I told them to call me for the DNA test when it was born. Until then, I didn't want to know that Kate or her entire family even existed. I walked out of that house and I haven't set foot in it since.

"She called me just about every day for the next few weeks. I'd told Lee what had happened and he fielded the calls. He was a pretty good guy about it all. He dubbed her 'the slut' and took me out to get drunk a few times. I became extremely adept at avoiding her on campus. It didn't hurt that the few friends I had made outside of our circle all knew about what had transpired and helped to run interference. I heard through the grapevine that she finally took a leave from school and moved back home.

"I didn't go home at Christmas. I went with Lee and his family to Colorado to ski. I was packing up my shit after spring semester finals to go home for the summer when Momma called to tell me that Kate was in labor at Riverview Regional Hospital in Gadsden. I finished packing the car and drove straight there.

"I knew he wasn't mine the second they brought him out to the family. He had curly, jet black hair and dark skin. I submitted to the DNA test anyway. I was right. The test was 99.9% positive that I wasn't the father.

"I went on with my life. I never spoke to Kate or her family again. Momma says that I changed. She says that I stopped trusting people. I didn't date anyone seriously for a long time. I just kind of slept around... sowed my wild oats, if you will. But I was always overly cautious after the Kate fiasco.

"I was well out of law school and practicing law before I had a somewhat serious relationship. It lasted a few months. That was kind of my pattern. Three, maybe four months and then I'd move on. Tanya was the last long-term relationship that I'd had.

"And then I met you." I reached out and took her hand. "I only thought that I knew what love was. I didn't love Kate. Not like I love you. I know now how Daddy felt when he first saw Momma. The first time I laid eyes on you... I loved you. When you shook my hand it felt like I'd come home.

"You're my heart; I need you to live. Those few days when you wouldn't talk to me... they were excruciating. I couldn't breathe without you in my life. You have become my everything in such a short time. I love you, Bella. There aren't words to express how much. You gave me back my trust. You give me hope. You give me faith."

She reached up and stroked my cheek. "I don't even know how to follow that. We've both been through so much. What that girl did to you... I don't blame you for not trusting people after that. You gave her your whole heart and she threw it away. I'd never do that to you, Edward. I couldn't. I'd only hurt myself if I hurt you. I love you too much. I'm sorry for getting so angry about what you said. I should have been more understanding. It was my silly pride. I'll never do that again. It was excruciating for me too."

I pulled her to me and kissed her. I kissed her like my life depended on it, because it did. This woman was my life. I was still kissing her and it was getting kind of passionate, when I heard a throat clear. I pulled back just far enough to see who was invading my moment of pure bliss. The tech was standing there looking at us with a rather embarrassed expression on her face.

"Excuse me, Dr. Swan, um, I'll send transport up in a few hours to get Mrs. Cullen for the scan. Uh, I'm sorry... excuse me." She began backing up and tripped over her own foot before she turned and almost sprinted down the hall to the elevators.

Bella's head dropped to my chest. "That was so embarrassing."

"Hey, it wasn't for me. I want the whole world to know that you're with me. I don't care who sees me kiss you. As a matter of fact, I wanna do it again." I leaned down to kiss her. She stopped me with a finger to my lips.

"Down, boy. Let's find everyone else and visit with your mother until they come to get her."

We found everyone in the family lounge and told them that we could go back into the room with Momma. Daddy stopped us all just outside the door.

"I want positive attitudes when we get in there. No more crying." He pointed a finger at Rosalie. She glared back at him. "No more spoiled brat crap." This time the finger was pointed at me. "Does everyone understand?" We all nodded. "Good. Now, plaster on those fake smiles and make her feel like she's the most important person in the world... because she is."

Daddy knocked softly on the door and pushed it as soon as we heard Momma tell us to come in. We piled into the room like a litter of unruly puppies. Momma smirked at us and then laughed.

"What?" Emmett asked as he flopped down on the couch and immediately grimaced. "Holy sh-h-h... crap. I think I just broke my butt bone. What the hell is this thing made out of... concrete?" He stood up and rubbed his rear.

I looked over to see Momma biting her lip and trying to not laugh. If it weren't for the dark circles under her eyes and the edema, no one would suspect that she was sick. She looked happy.

"There's no such thing as a 'butt bone'," Daddy said, laughing.

"I beg to differ. I have a butt bone. I can feel it when I press right here." He turned and touched his behind. "And it's broken."

"That's your pelvis, Emmett," Bella said through her laughter and tears. "You can break the tip off of your coccyx, but I seriously doubt that you did that by sitting on a padded couch."

"Have you sat on that thing? There's very little padding. Why do you think that I don't sleep on it?" Daddy asked.

"Laugh all you want and call it a cock-whatever. It still hurt." He pouted and then gingerly eased himself back onto the couch.

"You are such a wimp," Rosalie said as she smacked him across the back of the head. "No man should ever complain about any pain until they push a baby out. That's pain."

"Amen, sister," Momma said.

"I don't want to hear this," Alice mumbled. She turned and buried her face in Jasper's chest.

"This is an almost perfect moment," Momma said suddenly. "The only person missing is Suzy. If she were here then it would be absolutely wonderful. All of my family in one room and it's not even a holiday. I'm so happy right now."

"It's a dog, not a person," I reminded her.

"I still miss her. She's my furry baby. I'll see her in few hours when we pick her up from Edward's."

"I'm not discharging you today, Esme. We have to set up dialysis with an outpatient clinic and you'll need one more treatment before you leave. It can't be done today because of the PET scan. I also would like to get the results from the scan before you go. I'd say that you're going to be our guest for at least three more days."

"Three days!" Momma exclaimed. "I want to go now. I miss my baby dog."

"Three days isn't that long, sweetheart. You'll see her before you know it," Daddy said as he patted Momma's swollen hand.

A few minutes later, the transportation crew came for Momma and they wheeled her down the hall to the elevators. Bella went with them, leaving us all in the room to wait. We all sat there staring in different directions absorbing the intense silence. I could see Jasper start to fidget. He cleared his throat and pulled out his cellphone. He looked at the displayed and sighed loudly.

As the silence dragged on, Jasper became more and more agitated. He began to tap his foot. He repeatedly cleared his throat and sighed. I finally could take no more of his fidgeting.

"Would you please say what you're thinking or just go outside? You're driving me insane."

Jasper blushed a bright red and said, "I'm sorry. I just hate the silence. It just feels like there are things to say. I mean... do ya'll really think that it's a good idea to take Aunt Esme all the way to Gadsden. What if something happens? That's a long drive. I don't think that she should even leave the hospital. She sounds like she's fine, but she looks terrible."

"Please don't say that in front of her," Daddy said.

"I would never, ever say anything like that to her, Carlisle, but seriously, I think taking her home is a bad idea."

"Bella says that she can go..."

"I know what she said, Edward, but I don't think she should be that far from the hospital and her doctors."

Daddy sighed and spoke. "Bella said that she could go home because there really is nothing else that the doctors can do. She is in terminal renal failure. She has an incurable form of cancer that could suddenly go into overdrive at any moment. It's over. This is the end. She's letting Esme go home so that she can spend the last few semi-healthy days with the people that she loves."

"Ya'll can come stay with me," I said softly.

"What?" Daddy asked.

"You all," I said as I gestured around the room, "can come and stay with me."

"We couldn't..."

"Don't say that 'you couldn't impose,' because it isn't imposing when someone is inviting you. It's not like I don't have the room. Hell, the whole upstairs is never used. I have two beds that have never been slept in. There's room for everyone."

"I don't know that we could leave work for that long," Rosalie said as she glanced at Emmett.

"If you want to be with Esme, I can cover for you," Emmett replied as he squeezed her hand. "You don't have that huge of a caseload right now anyway. And I can come down on the weekends."

"We live close enough that it wouldn't make sense for us to move into your house," Alice said. "We can visit a lot more if ya'll stay with Edward."

"We're making these decisions without discussing it with Esme. Ya'll know how much she hates that. Maybe we should wait until she gets back before we commit to a plan."

"Carlisle's right... we shouldn't make decisions for her. She's already lost control of her health. Ya'll should discuss it with her when she gets back," Jasper said. "But I do think that staying with Edward is a better idea than taking her all the way back to Gadsden."

We fell into silence again and Jasper started his fidgeting. I finally grabbed him by the arms and said, "Go smoke."

"He quit," Alice said.

I looked at Jasper. He gave me the 'shut the fuck up look' so I said, "Go get a cup of coffee or a Coke or something. Just get out of here with the fidgeting. You're driving me crazy."

"He can't help it," Alice defended him. "You can cut the tension in here with a knife. That's probably driving him crazy."

"It's okay, honey. Edward's right. I gotta get out of here for a while. I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get a snack."

"I'll go with you," Emmett said quickly.

"Big surprise there," Rosalie muttered.

"Hey, I'm a growin' boy... I gotta eat."

"Hey, Momma, do you wanna go down to the gift shop and have a look around? I thought I saw 'Best in Show' figurines in the window," Alice said to Rosalie.

Rosalie looked at Daddy and then at me. She smiled and said, "Sure. Let's go have a look."

They left Daddy and me alone. I stood and walked to the windows. I looked out over the tops of the buildings to the mountains beyond. "Which direction are we facing, do you think?" I asked.

Daddy joined me at the window. "Hmm, probably east." He pointed to the left. "I think 20/59 is that way."

"What are we going to do without her?"

"We'll grieve and mourn and then we'll go on with our lives... just like she'd want us to."

"I should have moved faster. I should have grown up sooner. I knew that she wanted grandchildren. I knew that she worried about me being settled, but I just dragged my feet. I thought I had more time."

"She never would have wanted you to just settle for someone so that you could give her a grandchild. She would never want that. She wants you to be happy. We can tell that Bella makes you happy. If you had rushed into a marriage with someone when you weren't ready, then you wouldn't have Bella now. Your momma is so excited for you. She sees Bella as your salvation. She loves you both so much."

"I just feel like I've let her down."

"You could never let us down, Edward. We are so proud of you. You are our miracle."

I laughed. "Jasper says that I'll believe in God when I can put my hands on Him." I placed my hands on my chest and laughed again. "I still have my doubts."

Daddy rolled his eyes. "You ain't God. You ain't even a god. You are a miracle. Alice is a miracle. Your momma is a miracle. Life is a miracle, Edward." Daddy reached out and took my hand. He placed it on the window. "Feel that? That heat from the sun? That's God. Look at the trees. See how they move with the wind? That's God. You touch God every day. You just have to be open to feeling Him."

We heard the door click open as transportation brought Momma back to the room. Daddy rushed to her side and took her hand. "Well?" he asked.

"Piece of cake," she said with a weak smile. "Where is everyone?"

"They went for a snack," I replied.

"Are you hungry too? You should eat."

"I'm fine, Momma. How are you?"

"I'm tired. I need a nap."

"Where's Bella?" Daddy asked.

"She said that she'd be up in a few minutes. She and the technician are reviewing the scan." She looked around the room and then asked, "What time is it?"

I checked my watch and said, "It's a little past three. Why?"

"I'm hungry."

Daddy's eyes lit up. "Really? You haven't had an appetite for a while. What do you want? I'll go get you anything that you want."

"I think that I want a hamburger. Could you go to the grill in the cafeteria and get me one?"

"I'll be right back," Daddy said as he all but sprinted out the door.

Momma waited until we couldn't hear his footsteps in the hall before she spoke again. "How's he doing?"

"Daddy? He's fine," I lied.

I should have known better. I've never been able to lie to my mother. Every time I tried, she'd catch me in it. This was no exception. "For a lawyer, you are a horrible liar. Not only does your face give you away every single time, but in this situation telling me that your father is 'fine' is unrealistic and slightly insulting."

"Insulting?"

"Yes. You obviously think that I'm stupid. Really, Edward? How would you feel if you knew that Bella only had months, maybe even just weeks, to live? Would you be fine?"

I sighed and sat in the chair next to her bed. "He's devastated... we all are. Do you even know how important you are to this family?"

"You have to hold it together for him, Edward. He's going to need you. Like I've told you... he's not as strong as he likes to think that he is. You, on the other hand, are stronger than you think. You have to grow up, baby. I need you to be strong for all of them."

"Momma," I groaned. "I can't even think about you leaving us without going into a panic. My chest feels like it's caving in and I can't breathe. I'm constantly on the verge of losing my mind. How in the hell am I going to... be you?"

"You'll figure it out," she said as she laid her head back onto the pillows. "I'm so tired... always so tired."

"Do you really think that it's a great idea to leave the hospital?"

"I want to go home, Edward."

"But Gadsden is over an hour away. What if something happens? It would be a long trip back here."

"I can't look at these four walls anymore. I want to be able to go out if I feel like it. I want to see my dog again. I want to live my life... what's left of it anyway."

"Not funny."

"You have got to get a sense of humor, Edward. How many times have I told you to laugh at this situation to keep from crying?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Stay with me." She opened her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. "Don't say 'no' or that you don't want to impose. You would not be imposing. It makes perfect sense. The dog is already at my house and we're living in some kind of awkward peace. You'd be close to the hospital. You could come and go as you please and there is a shitload more stuff to do here in Birmingham."

"Edward, language."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Momma, English. I'm being serious. You should try it. I've already talked about it with Daddy and Ro..."

"Ro?"

"Yeah. She's gonna move in too so that you and she can spend time together. She wants to spend as much time with you as she can before... you know."

"Before I die?"

"Stop it!"

She rolled her eyes. "Lord, you're exhausting."

"Agree to stay at my house and I'll shut up so you can sleep."

"You would seriously keep a dying woman awake just to get what you want?"

"Playing that card is a low blow, but yes... I would. I'm that selfish."

"It's that dang only child syndrome. Absolutely no cure." She smiled weakly. She finally raised her hands in defeat. "Fine. We'll stay with you, but only because I'm tired and I want you to shut-up."

Daddy came back with Momma's hamburger, but she was already asleep. I told him that she had agreed to stay at my house; he seemed relieved. The rest of the family came back to the room. We were all trying to be quiet so that Momma could sleep when Bella finally came in from reading to PET scan. She didn't look particularly happy.

"Well?" Daddy asked.

"We should wake her," Bella said.

"Let's not," Daddy said. "She's very tired and I'm fairly certain that she already knows that there will be very little if any good news from now on."

Bella looked around the room. A single tear ran down her cheek. I went to her and wrapped my arms around her. I whispered that it would be alright.

She took a deep breath and said, "It's everywhere. The MCL chemo didn't even touch it. It's in her organs. There's nothing more that can be done. She'll need dialysis for the rest of her time, which won't be long. Eventually, it will reach her lungs and they'll fill with fluid. I'm so sorry."

"How long?" Rosalie asked.

Bella wiped her face and said, "Weeks... maybe. I doubt that she'll make to Thanksgiving."

"When can we take her home?" Daddy asked.

"I don't really think..."

"She wants to get out of here. I won't keep her imprisoned in this room for what's left of her life. We're staying at Edward's so we'll be close."

"She'll have to be dialyzed here tomorrow. I'll arrange for her to have a chair at the clinic at UAB after that. She can leave the day after tomorrow."

True to her word, Bella released Momma two days later. Daddy drove her to my house and they took over my bedroom; just like when she had the breast cancer treatments. I moved to one of the bedrooms upstairs. Rosalie showed up two days later. It was that most people I'd ever had in my house.

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