X.
She had to toss Gaius Baltar out of a frakking airlock. This had been her one and only craving ever since she became pregnant and knew the man was still alive. She fantasized about grabbing him by his beard, getting him to an airlock and allowing herself to do the honours. She would push the button herself and she would watch the space reclaiming him. Then, she would be able to sleep peacefully, knowing that the man wouldn't hurt anyone else.
Saying that Laura Roslin was pissed off wouldn't do justice to what she had been feeling since she heard the two words: "not guilty". Once the judge said them she immediately turned her face into a mask to hide all her emotions. She was disappointed, angry and utterly tired; she felt like all of that had just been a little theatre play; she felt played with. The courtroom suddenly became oppressive. She needed air.
As soon as the man was dismissed, she left the room. She needed to release all her emotions, to let go all her frustration. 'He allowed genocide to happen, for frak's sake! He saw how the Cylons killed his people and turned his back to it. He signed death sentences; he signed my death sentence. He saw all the names in the list and did nothing to stop it.'
Laura was feeling uneasy. She had been sure Baltar would be found guilty, that's why she allowed the trial to take place. Instead, he had been released, he had been freed. He had been allowed to get away with all his crimes without punishment. She was sure he wasn't done yet, they would soon be hearing from him again.
She was pacing around their quarters, trying to calm herself. She needed Bill. Talking with him would ease her frustration; he always knew how to do it. But he was nowhere to be found, what meant he probably was in the CIC.
Bill was happy the trial was over, though the outcome didn't please him very much. He had been one of the three that voted for Baltar's acquittal, it was the only possible vote he could have given; Baltar's defence had won. He didn't regret his decision, he believed in justice. 'But that wasn't only about justice... Not for the people who were in New Caprica during the Cylon occupation. Not for Laura. She won't approve my decision. I bet she believes I was one of the two who voted against Baltar. She won't be pleased if she knows the truth. She's not objective when it comes to Baltar. But, how could she? She saw how her people were being murdered, put into jail; she had nearly been killed. She had lived four months under the Cylon occupation, seeing how Baltar didn't stand up for his people, how he let them do what they wanted. His life had also been threatened, but Laura will never see it, and I can't blame her for it. She cares too much for her people; she can't ignore the fact that he didn't.'
He didn't think he'd be able to face her if they were alone. He felt like somehow he had betrayed her. He knew her. She was probably pacing around, trying to understand why the man had been freed. She would probably start looking for him, wanting to talk.
When she showed up in the CIC minutes after, he was sure of one thing: it was going to be difficult. Her emotions were written all over her face. She quickly spotted him and walked to his side.
"Admiral, could we..." She always called him Admiral when people were around.
"Madam President, come with me." He gestured towards the catwalk in the CIC, a more private part of the room, where they could talk without the risk of anyone overhearing their words. Once they were there, he talked again. "Laura –"
"Bill" her voice, a whisper filled with frustration, cut him off. "Frak, we had him! All the evidence was against him. He allowed the Cylons kill our people, he signed death lists; he looked at the names and signed! And he's going to leave unpunished? He's leaving as if he hadn't done anything. He's leaving innocent." She made a pause and looked at him. Bill wasn't looking at her, but she knew he was listening. Laura approached him and whispered almost in his ear. "Gaius Baltar is innocent. Just the sound of that makes my skin crawl." She separated herself from Bill for a second.
Bill turned towards her and took a couple of steps forward. "Not guilty is not the same as innocent."
Laura looked into his deep blue eyes. "It must've been particularly difficult for you. What, you just..." she stopped for a second, noticing how he turned his head and looked to the floor, like he was ashamed of something or he didn't want to have that conversation "couldn't get the other two guys to budge?" Bill raised his eyes and met hers. She immediately noticed something was wrong. Looking deeper into his eyes she suddenly realized what it was. "You voted for his acquittal, didn't you?"
She felt betrayed, Bill could see it into her eyes. "I hate to say it" He spoke the true. "Defense made their case, the prosecution didn't."
Laura approached him and put one of her hands in his shoulder. She felt her eyes filling with tears of frustration and she immediately tried to fight them back. "Gaius Baltar is a traitor. We both know that. Regardless of the outcome of this trial" her voice was calm and steady. She separated herself from him and turned around. Keeping her tears at bay was harder when she had Bill in front of her; with him she could no longer use her presidential mask.
"No one's asking anyone to forget. Or to forgive." Laura looked at him and he noticed a lone tear crawling down one of her cheeks. He wanted to rise his hand and dry that tear with his thumb, caress her soft skin and tell her everything would be alright, that now she was safe. But he didn't move. Instead, he stood in the same spot and dug his nails into his palms. "But we have to look to the future."
Laura closed her eyes tightly and some more tears trailed down her cheeks. She hated being that emotional, being so sensitive. She shut her eyes even closer and turned her back to the room, reclining her weight in the railing, facing the wall. "Maybe we do, but not with him. He didn't deserve a trial. He deserved to be executed, like he allowed the Cylons do to all these people. They were murdered, Bill. I was nearly murdered myself, like an animal, without knowing what was going on. He saw my name on that list and signed. So, forgive me if I'm taking it personally" her voice was calm, but that was what made Bill's skin crawl.
After a few moments of hesitation, he reclined himself in the railings, by her side, and touched her shoulder. "He's a human after all. Would we be better than them if we allowed one of us to be executed without a trial? Would we be worthy of survival?"
Laura turned her head and looked at him. "He's still a traitor." She fell silent for a moment. Suddenly, Bill heard her chuckling. "You always have to be the compassionate and rational one, the one doing the right thing, haven't you? Always keeping me from getting my hands full of blood..."
Laura was resigned. She started thinking of the mistakes she had made. Admiral Helena Cain and now Baltar. Both of them threats, but both of them humans just like her. If it had been for her, both of them would have been executed. Bill prevented her from making a mistake she would have carried in her conscience forever, a reason to feel ashamed of herself later. Like it already had happened with Hera. That time she had acted as if what she was doing was what was right for everyone, including the girl and her parents. She regretted it now; neither the child nor her mother had ever been a real threat. She was alive today because of Hera. The little girl had saved her life. She couldn't even imagine the pain her parents had been through because of her, because of her decision.
Still facing the wall and with Bill by her side, Laura gently rubbed her belly. Her baby was there, still too small to know its sex or to feel it move, and she didn't even know how to describe what she had with Bill; they weren't just friends and they weren't partners or lovers, but they were living together, having a child together and marrying in a week. She still had lots of things to figure out, but there was one single thing she had no doubts on. She already loved her baby more than she had ever loved anything. Her little miracle. A spot of light in the middle of the darkness her life had become.