Response to ScarletRose: Thank you so much! I am so happy that you think this is well-written. I absolutely love writing, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really that good, or if people just follow only for the story. So your comment truly boosted my confidence, and will definitely be looked back upon any time I have doubts about myself.
I wanted to include main characters from TVD and TO in the story, and I was having trouble writing Matt as a patient. Like, don't get me wrong, in the show he's probably the most traumatized of them all, but I don't know... Writing him as a therapist seemed more interesting. I didn't want to have some random relatively minor character from season 2 (like Dr Fell) as the therapist, and I didn't want to use Cami from TO as this technically is in the TVD category, so Matt seemed like the natural, and more fun, choice. I'm flattered you think it's 'sheer-genius', that really inflated my ego!
Thanks for reviewing, and I'm ecstatic that you love this story. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! X
Response to GlitzyPinkOwlCakePop: You had your PM turned off, and I wanted to respond to your review, so I decided to do it here. First, I'm sorry it took me so long to update! I hope you like the chapter and that the wait was worth it, despite the lack of Elena.
So, while your questions weren't really answered (my bad), there have been some hints that can imply as to why she tried to commit suicide. It's always best to keep the characters mental conditions and backstories (if you know it yet) in mind as well; they are always a massive influence behind their actions. I have been building up to this for a couple of chapters, especially shown by Elena's extremely erratic behavior and then her obvious depression as discussed in the previous chapter.
Kai visiting her in her bedroom totally means something. What? I can't really say but it's probably obvious. He's up to something... I don't want to talk about it too much as I don't want to spoil anything, however it'll probably be talked about in the next chapter, which I have kind of begun already.
Anyways, thank you so much for leaving behind the comment with your thoughts and feelings! I really appreciate the insight, and I'll certainly keep your queries in mind while writing the next chapter. X
The Relapse-Recover Cycle
Every nerve in his body willed him to just sucker punch the nurse in the face and run through the doors and into the ICU to see her. However, then a strange bout of rationality told Damon that if he did that, he'd just get sent to ward D with Lockwood and all the other crazies, and he knew it was difficult for anyone trying to come back from there.
That is, but for the Little Psycho Weasel and Katherine Freaking Pierce. No one knows how the fuck either of them managed to get out, but Damon didn't want to try it out himself.
Jesus, the hallway smelt like a mixture of bleach and vomit, and he choked back a gag when he saw the white pajama pants of a patient being wheeled down the hall bleed yellow near his crotch. Yet he couldn't leave; he wouldn't leave. All Damon had to do was wait out for Elena's guardian guy Alaric and maypole brother to come and see her, because surely they would let him tag along. He wasn't about to give up.
And so he walked to the waiting area and sat down on a worn leather seat, his fingers drumming the armrest impatiently, hoping with his everything that they wouldn't realize he was actually a patient of the main psychiatric center and drag him back. Damon himself didn't even know how he managed to just waltz in there, yet he tried, it worked, and he wasn't about to question it any further.
"Fuck."
With the muttering of the word, he felt a presence sit itself down beside him, and he turned his head to see Bonnie. She looked like as much of a mess as he did. The only difference was her face and eyes were blotchy and red from crying, and his knuckles raw and bruised from punching a wall in frustration.
"How long've you been waiting?" She muttered, not even bothering to meet his gaze, rather, blankly staring down at her hands as she picked at a hangnail, although the rest of the skin around all her other nails were etched with dried blood.
Damon huffed and looked ahead at a poster on the wall detailing how to interact with others when you have the flu. "Not very long." Giving her a side-glance, he frowned at the little nervous habit. "Stop doing that, it's gross."
"No."
"You'll get an infection."
Pausing, she just scoffed, continued on. "As if you care."
That did it. He turned in his seat, and grabbed at her hand, snatching it away from the damage it was creating, and gripping it so tightly he could feel the bones crack in her palm. Damon's clasp on her hovered as he brought it between them. Bonnie's head whipped up, and she met his eyes, that bore a hole into her own. She didn't even try to pull away, struggle, yelp in pain; they stayed like that for a long, silent moment.
Her poker face broke away in the next, and she crumbled, her lips parting as she let out a wounded breath, and her eyes dampened. Bonnie looked at Damon, almost pleading, and his hand over hers turned from a snatch, to him holding it. It was awkward and a little too tight, but it helped. She shook her head, letting out a little cracking sound from her throat. "I just don't understand… Why did she do it?" Her voice was small, heavy, muddled.
He blinked. He took a breath of the thickly stifling and diseased air into his lungs, held it in until it burned. "I don't know." Damon finally admitted, his voice acidic from the clouded carbon dioxide in his lungs, from his lack of oxygen, but not rude. Until he finally relented and let out the poisoned air, he had been enjoying the moment of lightheadedness. It didn't last.
"You visited her before it happened. What did she say…? How did she seem?"
A beat.
His answer; another question.
"What?"
Bonnie flinched at his accusatory tone; at the way he practically threw her hand down, leaned away from her. Cyan eyes were cutting the surface of her skin, yet she wasn't about to back away from his convenient retrograde amnesia. "You visited Elena in her room before she did it." The words came out like knives through her locked jaw and gritted teeth. "You were the last person to talk to her before she tried to kill herself." Her hands squeezed into small tight fists, and she could feel the disapproving stare of the elderly woman a few seats away from her. Bonnie didn't care. "I know you know how it looks, which is bad. I don't think you did anything to her at all, but I want to know what she said before you left."
His brows furrowed deeply, he licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair. Bonnie could hear the sound of the muscles in his throat working as he swallowed multiple times. Letting out a breath, perhaps out of disbelief, Damon pursed his lips and said, "I don't know what you're talking about."
And she instantly believed him. It was pathetic, really, how quickly she believed him. Yet, despite his asshole ways, he was her friend; she had seen the way he looked at Elena, the way he talked about her, worried about her. Bonnie just knew that there was no way he could've caused her any harm, whether mental or physical, and that meant he had absolutely no reason to lie, especially to her. And, so, she believed him.
But that meant in place of her question being answered, another, newer, and scarier, one popped up; who had visited Elena before she tried to kill herself?
She breathed out slowly as her mind scattered like dead leaves picking up in a wind, almost instinctively, Bonnie began again at her cuticles. She wasn't going to let it happen this time; she wasn't going to stand by as someone hurt a person she cared about. A dull pain pressed into the back of her eyes, and she dug the heel of her palms onto her green orbs roughly, swearing to herself that no one would ever get hurt as long as she had something to do with it.
"Bon…?"
"It's fine." She bit out quickly, her elbows still cutting into her knees as she pushed her eyes further back into her head, reveling in the relief of her pain. "I just- I don't know. I'm trying to think."
He still didn't know what she was talking about, and why it was suddenly 'fine'. She lifted her head up and looked around the room with her spotted vision. "Bonnie, what the hell are you-"
"-Rick!" She jumped up, her voice harsh and shrill, waving her hand and rushing forward. "Alaric! Jeremy! It's me, Bonnie." And there before Damon, stood Elena's sorta guardian and brother-cousin, the former's face drawn and stony, the latter's pale and reddened and damp through the strands of hair that fanned over his features. She scampered up to them, tripping over herself in desperation, clutching at the lapels of her cardigan. "Remember, from the family visits? Elena's my friend."
Brother-cousin Jeremy's face was revealed as he flipped his hair away and squinted his eyes down at her. "I don't remember you." He murmured, a perpetual frown dragging his lips down, his ends of his lanky arms sunk into his hoodie pockets sullenly. Damon sarcastically remarked in his head that it was probably because he had stormed off before he got the opportunity. Elena had mentioned he was two years younger than her, meaning he must've brought his teenage angst into adulthood, that, and emo-style fashion. "Elena never talked about any friends."
At that, Alaric raised his hand to silence Jeremy. "I remember you, Bonnie." Voice ragged and hoarse, he attempted a smile that came out a grimace. Damon noticed lines on his face that hadn't been there last time he saw the man. "What are you doing here? I wouldn't have thought that patients would be allowed to walk freely here."
Bonnie shook her head, feeling blood rush to her face at her admission of "I'm actually not authorized to be here", and Damon jumped up, rushing forward to join the conversation he had previously been eavesdropping on. Shooting him a short and sharply irritated side-glance, she continued on. "Have you seen Elena yet?"
A scoffing sound cut from the roof of Jeremy's mouth to the air between them all, and he sneered, "We might've been with her by now if you hadn't stopped us." And then, before anyone could reply, he stalked around them and towards the reception desk.
Gritting his teeth, Damon's eyes pierced Alaric through the skull. "What's his problem anyway? And don't try to say it's Elena's situation, because that's how he was acting when you both visited her, and now she's here."
"Damon." Bonnie's voice was next to hysterical. She latched onto his wrist, digging her nails into his bone as hard as she could, but it was to no avail as they were torn and anxiety-bitten soft pads of flesh, and caused no pain. "It's none of your business-"
"-No it's fine." Alaric's voice mixed over hers and she stopped in annoyance at the man's validation of Damon's abrasive demeanor. He rubbed a hand, which Bonnie noticed was stained at the side in what she assumed to be pen ink, over his face roughly, ripping out a hard sigh. The creases on his face deepened. "Elena and Jeremy have had a… troubled relationship." A muscle in his jaw ticked as he regarded them both, and a crease between his brows formed. "Hasn't she ever talked about it?"
Damon silently shook his head, however, hesitantly, Bonnie answered. "She's, uh, always seemed to be a bit… Odd, in how she feels about him. Most of the time she talked about how much she loved and missed him, but in the past week or so, that changed into her stopping participation in group sessions. In private, she, um, rambled on about how jealous Jeremy was of her and wanted to sabotage her progress and…" She ignored Damon's questioning stare burning the side of her face. "Yeah. She never really went into specifics, though, and I didn't feel like it was my place to ask. That's Matt's job."
Blowing air out of his nose, Alaric gave them a curt nod. "Probably a wise decision… Uh, before she was diagnosed, Elena's erratic behavior as Jeremy was growing up affected him deeply. Even after," He tilted his head to the side, rubbing at a knot in his neck as he stared at the floor, "when Elena would go through cycles where she'd go off her medication because she thought she didn't need it anymore. Those were tough. It broke him every single time. He used to be more forgiving of her, but it repeated itself so much and…"
Feeling a pang in her chest, Bonnie gave a murmur of understanding when Alaric's voice trailed off as he tried to explain the unexplainable. The bond between family is strong and thick, heavier than anything else, and so when more weight is piled on, it can break your back. And she knew what it was like to feel that.
"Elena loves Jeremy, and he loves her, but. There's a fine line between love and hate."
Damon knew that, oh boy, did he.
"Anyway," Alaric swiped at the corner of his eye with the back of his hand, and sniffed, pressing his lips into a thin line. "I probably need to join Jeremy before he smothers her with a pillow." Letting out a humorless laugh, he turned from them and moved towards the front reception. Damon started after him, but was yanked back as Bonnie grabbed at the material of his shirt, shooting him a venomous look.
One, which Damon ignored as he glared at her in bewilderment. "Bonnie, what the hell!" He shrieked, looking between her and Alaric's figure as it retreated through a glass sliding door. "I want to see Elena, and the only way-"
"-Are you so self-absorbed that you are thinking of inserting yourself between the emotionally fractured family members of a girl in critical condition that you have known for a couple of weeks, just because you want to see her. Really, Damon?" Her eyes were slits in her judgment, her voice obnoxious, self-righteous, but Damon knew she was just that. Right. "You're better than that. I want to see Elena, and I will, but now is not the right time."
He gulped audibly, nodding.
She let out a long breath, releasing her clasp and going to rub her temples. "Besides, we have a bigger issue on our hands." Bonnie's nostrils flared as she looked up at him, jaw locked and eyes grave. "If it wasn't you who last visited Elena before she tried to kill herself, who was it?"
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Caroline, I know it may feel as though it's hard to believe, but Elena didn't attempt what she did maliciously to hurt anyone. It's not your fault."
Biting down hard on her tongue until she tasted blood, she forced herself to slowly nod, silent, rather than voice her thoughts of 'you're right, Matt, it's actually your fault'. Her stomach somersaulted and her throat closed up. She had eaten a lot for breakfast. Too much. Several bowls of Frosted Flakes with full cream milk, a plateful of raspberry and white chocolate muffins, custard pastries, pain au chocolats, danishes, and to top it all off, two cups of coffee with a spoonful of whipped cream and three sugars, each. Enzo blatantly stared at her in repulsion at her gorging, and even Kol, who eats like a horse, asked her if she wanted to slow down. She didn't. Caroline hadn't done it consciously, truly, it had just happened. Something natural, almost, but she knew it was the exact opposite. She felt ill.
Biting back a flagrant frown, the sound of pen to paper filled the room, and then Matt looked up. "How do you feel the increase in your medication dosage has been?" He peered at her carefully, and Caroline quickly masked her face with a look of intelligence, as if she was actually bothering to think upon what he had just asked, rather than her current, overwhelming compulsion to vomit.
Taking in a breath of heavy, sickly sweet air through her nostrils, she leaned her head back, shrugging. "I think it's been fine. I've been a bit drowsy every now and then, but otherwise I'm feeling better." Lying through her straight, white bleached teeth, Caroline hoped he couldn't tell. The surface of her skin itched as her stomach convulsed in her body. Acid rose up her throat. Her peroxide blonde hair stuck to the sweat on her forehead.
He nodded. "That's good, hopefully you'll be used to it in a couple of days." Giving her a warm smile, he tipped his head to the side, and leaned forward. "The session is done, but know that I'm always here for you to talk to, alright?"
She knew. It didn't matter.
Klaus was waiting outside the door for her when she left Matt's office, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and eyes trained on the opposite painting. He jumped a little when she practically stormed out the office. Her heart, and stomach, sank, and once again, Caroline had to put up a façade of okay-ness to hide what she was really feeling. Except this time, it didn't work.
"What's wrong?" He questioned immediately, and as she opened her mouth to respond, he quickly interrupted with, "And don't you dare tell me 'nothing', Caroline." Klaus warned, nostrils already flaring in annoyance at the prospect.
She gritted her teeth. Anger flared in her stomach and expanded, white-hot fury burnt her blood, heating the tips of her fingers till they tingled. Caroline knew she shouldn't do it, say it. But she didn't care. "Excuse me?" Her voice was thick but sharp as her rage swelled, Klaus' eyes widened, and he faltered back. She took a step forward. "What did you just say? Because, it sounded like you just told me not to dare tell you that nothing is wrong with me. But I'm not sure I heard correctly, Klaus, so why don't you affirm that for me."
His eyes flickered to where her hands were fisted white, to the quiver in her stance, her snarling lips, and finally, her eyes that told him she was too far-gone. He didn't know why. "What are you-"
"-You didn't talk to me for a week!" Caroline blurted out before she could reign control of her mouth and come out with something a little more sophisticated than her shrieking truth. "A whole week, Klaus, that you spent completely ignoring me! I didn't know why. I didn't know what I did wrong. And than poof like that, two days ago you act as though everything is okay again!"
Locked jaw and stiff stance, Klaus looked down. Silent. Morose.
Biting her lip and wiping away pathetically frustrated tears from the corners of her eyes, because Caroline wasn't about to shed tears about how a guy she'd known for little more than a month gave her the silent treatment for a week, no matter how much it hurt. "So, Klaus," she started hoarsely, taking a deep breath, "are you going to fucking tell me why you completely ignored me last week? Or are you going to give me the respect I gave you and not try to intrude upon my issues without any prompting?"
His tongue darted out to wet his lips, and his eyes were wide and wounded and Caroline didn't care nor get the chance to hear his response, because as a sound exited his throat, the door burst open between them. Matt stepped out, arms crossed, and a concerned crease between his brows. "Caroline, Klaus, is there an issue here you would like to talk about with me together?" He started, placating. "You can come into my office now, if you want, I'd be more happy to help."
From the look on his face, Caroline could see that Klaus was seriously considering the prospect, so she quickly intervened saying that she "has a yoga class now, but maybe later?", before twisting around on her heel, and rushing down the hall. The delayed slamming of a door and hurried footsteps after her told Caroline that Klaus must've been coming after her to talk, probably at Matt's request considering the Mikaelson was the most insensitive person ever. She walked faster; almost moving into a light jog, while ignoring the strange looks of nurses and fellow patients, however she could still hear his steps, steady and unwavering. And so, listening to the instinctual feeling that flooded from her heart, rather than her brain, as soon as she saw it, she took a left turn into the female restroom.
She couldn't stop it. She really couldn't. Fuck, it just came out. Emotionally, and physically. Much to her mind's dismay, her muscles worked her over to the toilet stall, which she banged shut, not caring if anyone else was there (there wasn't). Caroline collapsed to her knees, revulsion convulsing through her veins, in sickly pulses that made her feel dirty. And sick. Sick. She was sick. She had to get it out.
The porcelain rim was like a long lost friend. The smell of disinfectant and shit wafted up her nostrils like the welcoming sent of her favorite perfume. The cool touch of it to her hands, her forearms, her face, as she rested against it, was like being back in her own bed at home. Home. Caroline was almost home. All she had to do was get out the filth that poisoned her from within, and that was the final push over the thresh hold of the entrance.
Extending her index and middle finger, she forced them into the moist warmth of her mouth. Further, and further, back, until her untrimmed nails scraped the flesh of her throat, causing tears to prick her eyes. A gag. Once. Twice. But it wasn't enough. Caroline pushed further back, she couldn't breathe, and she spluttered and her body juddered; however it worked.
Undigested food, stomach acid, and mush; the mixture that made up the vomit that she heaved into the toilet stung her tongue. But she got through it, the sound of her retching filling the tiled and cold room. The stench assaulted her, bitter and sour. The sound of the waste she vomited, as it splashed into the bowl, was vile. But it was out. She was empty, however she was clean again.
And tired. So tired. She always was after she did it. Softly, she rested her head against the seat, slightly lightheaded, trying to regain her breath. Her ears rung and her vision blurred. She didn't allow herself to do anything other than stare blankly at the plastic of the stall wall; she didn't allow herself to think lest her mind bring up the rough truths of her situation.
Caroline stood. Tearing off a square of toilet paper, she wiped around her mouth for any leftover residue. Of course, of course, there was nothing there; Caroline had done such an act too many times in the past to let herself ever get sloppy. She flushed the toilet, watching with hard eyes as the water swirled in, diluting the mixture of bile and half-digested food until it was gone. After opening the door, she made her way over to the sink, turning the faucet on, cupping her hands under the icy stream of water and splashing it onto her flushed face. Moving her lips towards the flow, she rinsed out her mouth so it didn't smell like sick. Other then the wet strips of hair that stuck to her temples, she looked as though she always did: beaming and perky and fine.
However she wasn't fine. And the universe knew it, because the minute she turned around to leave the bathroom, the door swung open revealing a tall figure and she shut her eyes, wincing at the idea of it being a nurse or Matt or God forbid Klaus. Taking a deep breath, she inched her eyes open and… It wasn't any of those people. She didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that it was Kol who had just walked in.
He was brooding over by the door (it obviously ran in the family), not obviously about to approach her but also not moving out of the way so she could leave. Kol was silent, his eyes hard as he stared at her, a tick in his jaw. He looked like shit, and while that wasn't really uncommon among the patients at the center, it was uncommon for Kol. Perhaps he had broken his comb and come to her in his desperation?
"Um..." Caroline started when the pause turned from pregnant to just plain uncomfortable, when his stare started to itch and the dripping of the faucet echoed. "Did you need anything?" She asked dumbly, because he obviously didn't despite her hopes that he was just there for some rudimentary reason, but that was just the kind of person Caroline was. Or at least, was supposed to be.
Kol sniffed, cracked his knuckles. "I need to talk to you about Nik."
She hesitated about to ask him "who the fuck is Nik?" when she realized what was happening. So, she closed up, crossed her arms, shook her head. "Since when did you become your brother's errand boy?" Her voice was acidic.
He didn't even flinch. "Listen, love, it's not like that. I-
"-Well Kol-"
"-If you don't want me to tell Matt about your relapse, you'll listen to what I have to say."
His statement completely stumped her. The air became stagnant, the cold from the tiles beneath her slippers cut through her blood, while sweat immediately beaded from her pores. With wide cyan eyes, Caroline stared at him, her mouth hanging open stupidly, obviously.
But he just tilted his head at her, inhaling deeply through his nose, his lips opening just slightly with his tongue slitting out. "I know that smell, sweetheart, I know the taste of it in the air, hell, I can even bloody well see it from your face, disregarding your obvious binging of food at breakfast today." What he was saying made no sense. It really didn't. There was no scent, there was no taste in the air, she looked fine, and she really hadn't been that obvious at breakfast today, just hungry... Right?
"How am I supposed to know that you won't tell Matt after I listen to what you have to say?"
He just laughed, albeit humorlessly, but it was a chuckle nonetheless, and his next words were said with a smirk on his face. "Because, darling, how would that benefit me? I don't care about you."
Kol said it as though it was obvious, and Caroline knew it should've been, he was a fucking narcissist for fucks sake, yet she still felt blood rise up her chest and neck to her face. She must've been spending too much time around the seemingly lesser narcissist, Damon, who appeared to have some remnant of a conscience and ability to feel love, or at least, become attached to someone. God, she had to talk to Bonnie about Kol; she had been spending too much time around him, and he was clearly bad news.
"I only want you to hear what I have to say because I actually may care about Nik, although even that's a stretch. However, I now share a room with him and Stefan and I need my beauty sleep. I highly doubt that'll happen with the two of them complaining about their ladies, one being my sister." His lips curled up in disgust, the muscles in his throat working as though he was resisting a gag. "Now, will you listen, or not?"
Caroline stared at him in steely silence, furious and frustrated and confused. She didn't know what to say, how to respond, the thought of allowing him to 'blackmail' her with the information made her feel physically ill. But there was nothing she could do, she was helpless to his threats, because she sure as hell didn't want Matt finding out about what happened, or she would be in deep shit. And so, she gave the devil incarnate Mikaelson a curt nod, teeth grinding and toes curling.
He immediately started, sparing no punches. "Growing up Nik was abused by Mikael." Caroline's jaw fell open, and when she was to ask who Mikael was, she was once again beaten to it. "We all were, to be honest, but our dear old daddy targeted Nik more than everyone else. We don't really know why." A lump formed in Caroline's throat at the thought of Klaus having been through so much trauma, at the way Kol was speaking so distantly, unfeeling. She had no idea. "At the beginning of middle school, an older girl named Tatia became one of his closest friends. He came to her every beck and call, and in return she isolated him and ensured that he felt as though she was the only person who cared about him. She was a manipulative and spiteful little thing."
Kol let out an empty laugh. Caroline swallowed. "Why are you telling me this?" She asked thickly. He didn't answer.
"He was so in love with her. It was obvious and sickening. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she left for the same college as Elijah, leaving Nik alone and pining. She asked Elijah out, he accepted, they got married a little while after. Nik's heart was broken."
Caroline repeated her same question.
"Because, Tatia desires a divorce from our elder and ignorant brother. Niklaus found out last week, and he caved in on himself."
And then it all made sense. Why he'd distanced himself from her, why he didn't even want to talk about it, why he was so sensitive when she'd had her outburst. She had been so out of line. Her stomach shuddered in her abdomen, and burning rose up her throat. The air was suddenly thin, and she felt lightheaded. Her breaths were shallow, the lights bright, the chill in the air so biting, too biting. She had just yelled at him for being sad. Caroline had shouted and hissed at Klaus because he was depressed because a girl that emotionally abused him then married his brother wanted a divorce from said brother. She had made it about herself. She thought he was intentionally hurting her. In reality, she had hurt him.
"He likes you, a lot." Kol blurted out, momentarily halting the room from spinning. "I don't know why, because you seem like a half-way decent person who, despite our circumstances, doesn't seem absolutely bonkers. Don't ever mention the name Aurora to him, by the way. You scarily resemble Rebekah- ugh, let's not even get into that. But I can see it. It's only been a month, yet for Niklaus all it took was the first moment he met you and he was done for."
With those words Kol just piled on weights onto Caroline's shoulders, tons at a time. However, then at the same time, she felt a lightness spring at her core. Something that swelled, making the air in her lungs seem sharper but cleaner, more potent with oxygen. The paradox of what Kol was saying that Klaus felt to her was not lost to Caroline; it was just mixed up.
"All I can say is don't take advantage of him. Or you'll pay for it."
An underlying threat was in his words. "What's that supposed to mean?" Caroline breathed, stuck between being speechless and laughing at his little intimidation game.
He shook his head, lips curling into smirk so bitter that she could feel it sting her tongue. Kol was noiseless, seemingly chewing on the words in his mouth, pondering his response and testing her patience, or curiosity. Kol wasn't her friend, he annoyed her, she didn't know why she was still there, why she was waiting; yet she didn't hate him. She didn't know him, she didn't trust him, she didn't know why he was telling her what he was telling her. Truthfully, in that moment in her life Caroline didn't know anything. She didn't believe him when he said he hardly cared about Klaus but she believed him when he told her all that Klaus had been through. She didn't know why she cared, she didn't know why she cared for Klaus, or why she cared that Elena had tried to kill herself, she didn't know why she was the way she was, just that it hurt. A lot.
She didn't know, she didn't know, she didn't know.
Caroline was empty and hollow, manufactured and artificial and trapped in a shell of synthetic material that welded over her skin, her heart, her mind, over all those years she spent in institutions, the medications, and the relapses. Sleepless nights, vomit stained clothes, thinning hair and thinning skin, sunken eyes and passing out. Therapists came and went like the moon changed and she hadn't had friends, not anymore, only her faith and hope that this couldn't be all there was to life.
She was smart, or at least, she had been; she had a life. She had the life. With a 4.0 GPA, part-time job at the mayors office, cheerleading practice every Thursday, a plethora of friends around her, middle-class suburban upbringing with the best mom anyone could ever ask for, she had everything she needed. And yet... Then, she felt it. The weight. It was so sudden. Caroline didn't know what triggered it, not really. At fifteen years old, after being an extremely okay person, probably even unjustifiably over-confident at times, it happened. Who would've thought that someone could just go from liking themselves to loathing themselves so quickly? Before, Caroline would've thought "psh, impossible". Not impossible. Possible.
First she started with hardly eating anything. But she was so thirsty all the time, and drank a lot to drown out the hunger. She had been taking multiple bathroom breaks during classes, and in week two she almost fucking wet herself when the wonderfully shitty Mr. Smith wouldn't let her leave geometry class for the third time. She took up smoking, to curb her hunger, however she hated smelling like an ashtray all the time, as well as the actual act of smoking the cigarettes. Laxatives; those didn't even last a week, primarily because of the same issues as the not eating, but with shit rather than piss.
The vomiting was the only way. And it worked. No one suspected her consistent restroom breaks after every meal, attributing it to her wanting to 'powder her nose' because apparently people thought she was that vain. The loss of weight could be blamed on cheerleading or stress. So could her tiredness. It was when she started getting lightheaded with occasional fainting spells from 'dehydration', when she started losing her hair in large yellow chunks, when all her nails bled and cracked and split down the middle, when she was pale, gaunt, weak looking, people started getting suspicious.
The seizure was what told people; "oh my fuck, she has a problem".
It took Caroline a little longer to realize that, perhaps one could say she still hasn't.
It had only taken less than a year for her life to fall apart around her when she was at the mere age of sixteen going on seventeen. She was broken, and then fixed, but not into what she was before, rather, a cheap imitation. One that at first glance was fine, yet looking a little closer, you'd see how defective it really was. Most would ask for a refund, but you can't ask for refund on your life. Caroline couldn't. She lived on, trying, caring, constantly, a little too hard sometimes. Maybe because she was scared that someone would see her malfunction, or maybe because she had nothing else to do.
She had no path. That had ended from brick to gravel to dirt long ago, and now just was just trekking around, lost, trying to find something or someone else. Caroline didn't know what she doing, and while not many nineteen year olds do, she was a different kind of lost. The kind where nothing around you sticks, not people not feelings, not even her medication has stayed at a constant. She didn't know anything. Perhaps that was why she was still there, waiting to hear what Kol had to say, because at least it'd be one less thing on her list.
"Once you're in the family, you can't get out. We don't forget." Caroline furrowed her brows at his ominous words, at the almost frantic look in his eyes. His words seemed dramatic, but it didn't look as though he was being dramatic; in fact it was probably the most serious she had ever seen him. "Remember that for the next interaction you have with Niklaus, love, because it'll make all the difference."
And with that, Kol turned around on his heel and stormed out of the girl's restroom, leaving Caroline alone to think of his words.
She did, agonizing over what the hell his warning, not threat, warning meant. He had just all but said that she should… 'be' with Klaus, and then did a complete U-turn in a weird attempt to get her to want to do anything but. And she didn't even know why. Sure, their family had always come off odd, however Kol made them sound dangerous, and she didn't know if that was something she wanted herself (or Bonnie for that matter, who she just had to talk to) caught up in. As she pressed her weight against the sinks, cradling her head in her hands, anguish toiled at the bottom of her gut although it didn't make her ill, just uncomfortable.
She'd have preferred to be sick.
Caroline decided that it'd be best to go back to her room, otherwise sooner or later a nurse would be on the lookout for her, as it was required they check in with all patients every half hour, for safety reasons. She didn't want them to find her in the bathroom. But of course with her luck, it just so happened that in the exact moment that she was to leave, Katherine, of all people, entered through the door. Not only that, of course, because Nora was trailing in closely behind.
"I will do anything to get her back into this ward." Nora's voice was laced with desperation, her eyes burning green and damp with tears, red rimmed and hopeless. She was absolutely defeated, even Caroline could tell that from just a glance. However Katherine didn't care as she pranced on towards the mirrors, as though Nora wasn't even there. Caroline watched the scene in horror. "Please, it's not hard to just tell me how you and Kai got out of there."
"No."
Nora flinched as though she'd been slapped across the face, Katherine ran her hand through her long waves and rearranged her bangs mindlessly; Caroline felt as though she was intruding, but still didn't leave. A whimper escaped Nora's lips; her eyes flickered shut while the tears continued on falling down her cheeks. "I love her, I know Mary Lou. She doesn't belong there." Her voice was hoarse and coarse and raw, and with knuckles white from a fisted hand, she opened her eyes to meet Katherine's, whose were watching her through the reflection, callous.
"See, Eleanora, I just don't get this infatuation you have for Mary Louise. You've been following me around all day, desperately and pathetically begging me to help you help a woman who I only know to be the most insufferable person I have ever met, and trust me, I've been here a long time." Katherine stepped away from the mirror, rolling her head on her shoulders causing Caroline to wince at the sound of cracking that ricocheted to her ears. And like a vulture, did Katherine begin circling Nora, her pink lips a sneer. "It's funny, she never talked about you… In fact, all she ever did was complain to me was about how every single moment she's been here was worse than the next, that it was the most miserable place she's ever had the disadvantage to being at, that every single person here is-"
"-Enough, Katherine!" Caroline would've felt sick to her stomach if it weren't empty, but rather, it was clenching so tightly in her abdomen that it was painful. There were two brunettes before her, and one of them was one of the most despicable people Caroline had ever met, and she was wondering how she hadn't seen it earlier. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"
Katherine was quiet for a change as she turned to meet Caroline's scowl. Her brow rose, her hands moved to cup her waist, one foot jutting out as she tilted her head at an angle, as if to inspect the blonde closer. Her once doe brown and now malevolent coal-like eyes cut through her, fires raging while her expression remained neutral. "I didn't quite see you there, Caroline." She responded, in a careful way that told Caroline it was all but true.
She didn't know what Katherine's game was, why she had suddenly shut down at Caroline's interruption just as she was getting all riled up, but Caroline didn't want any part of it. And yet despite herself and her own desires, she moved forward, past Katherine and towards Nora, who remained behind remained behind the formers back, still sobbing, probably unwillingly, but silent. Tearing paper towels from the dispenser, and folding them as Nora watched her blearily, she wordlessly dabbed them on the brunette's damp cheeks, ignoring Katherine's burning eye on her back. They had barely interacted with one another, Nora and Caroline; they didn't even know each other. However, there was a quiet companionship between the two in that moment, one that quickly knitted a bond between them through the miniscule act of standing up to a bully and wiping away shed tears. It was nothing and it was everything. Nora gave her a shaky smile, a thanks.
"I was sorry to hear about Elena."
Caroline's fingers instantly tightened around the tissues, balling them up. Her heart was in her throat, and she could sense Nora's eye trying to seek out her own, probably to give Caroline the same kind of comfort she was being given. Yet, Caroline just continued on in her actions, more concentrated than before, than necessary. She avoided anyone's eyes; she didn't avoid a retort. "You can't lie for shit, Katherine."
A titter twinkled from Katherine's lips, and it was then that Caroline, regrettably, decided to turn around. "Ouch." Was all it seemed Katherine had to say as she raked her gaze up and down Caroline, thoughtful, and pursed her lips. Feeling uncomfortable under her stare, Caroline could feel Nora tug at her sleeve, whispering, "she's not worth it, I'd know". But she remained unmoving, and then Katherine decided to say what was on her mind. "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that, Caroline, do you know why?"
It must've been a rhetorical question, because she didn't even give Caroline a chance to answer or just flat out leave the restroom before she continued on.
"You remind me of a lesser version of myself. Shockingly enough, because of that reason I actually like you, Caroline."
Caroline was speechless.
"I know I can make you better, I can make you more."
Katherine stood there speaking those grand words, seemingly the most genuine either of the others had ever seen her, with a blunt stare yet an almost gentle smile, despite the heinous implications of her intentions. Caroline's mouth fell open, dumbly, not only wondering where the fuck all of that came from, but also where the hell Katherine got the idea that Caroline wanted to be her… 'apprentice'. And then she thought about it more. Her offer initially seemed selfless, however taking her character into account, it was also smug, grandiose, vain and of course self-serving. What she wanted with Caroline wasn't for Caroline, it was for herself; and while Caroline hardly knew anything about Katherine but for her key personality traits, this, she knew.
Nonetheless, it was tempting.
Because if there was anything Katherine had that Caroline wanted, it was her confidence. It was luxurious and rich, diffusing through her every step, breath, and glance. It was instantaneous, identifiable by any one and every one, completely opulent in her. Katherine had issues, they all did, but she just didn't seem to be the kind of person who belonged there because of the sureness she had with every waking task she completed. Some could call it arrogance, not confidence, however whatever it was, Caroline wanted it; she was just so sick of feeling ill in her own skin, of waking up every day and wishing it was someone else in the reflection. She was weak, Caroline was so weak; she smiled too much, laughed too hard, apologized too much, tried too hard, and gave in too much. She was the way she was because of all those reasons and more. And she hated herself for it. Caroline didn't want to, she wanted to like herself, as Katherine did.
It still wasn't enough.
"No." She spat out at the unsurprised brunette, then instinctively but clumsily grabbing a noiseless Nora's hand and jerking her towards the doorway. "Go fuck yourself, Katherine."
"If I could, I wouldn't be here."
The sharp response only further repelled Caroline from any association with Katherine, and after letting out a sickened groan and rolling her eyes; she let go of Nora, who she knew was most certainly right behind her, and planted her palms flat on the door. From the corner of her eye, she could see a Cheshire smile almost grotesquely splitting Katherine's lips apart, and aggravation distorting Nora's features into something Caroline wouldn't want to be on the other side of. The exit swung open under her force, and a wave of cool air feathered over her skin, a stark contrast to the stagnantly tense atmosphere in the room behind her.
One step over the threshold; the door slipping from her fingers.
Her voice.
"Oh, and tell Elena that Kai sends his regards."
A chill ran through her blood. Nora continued around, forward, and on, unbeknownst. The door rocked behind Caroline's stilled frame.
"Me too, actually. We both find it a shame that things turned out the way they did for her."
She wasn't exactly sure why, but fight or flight mode was activated within Caroline at Katherine's words. Flight won. And Caroline walked away, not entirely knowing why she felt so disturbed.
I'm so, so, so sorry that it's taken so long for me to update! I honestly didn't think it'd take so long, but then again, I didn't anticipate that my life would be so hectic at the moment. Hopefully it calms down once I get into some semblance of a flow, so keep your fingers crossed please, I need it. Although, to be fair, I've spent a lot of time of this chapter, trying to hone in on my writing skills and make it ~richer~ after being inspired by some fics as well as books I've read. Hope it's kind of shown in the chapter.
A massive thanks to everyone who has followed and favorited this story! If you have a minute or so, I'd appreciate it at gigantor levels if you leave a comment. If you haven't already, follow and/or favorite if you want to know about future updates! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you all enjoyed the a-little-longer-than-usual chapter. X
Next Chapter - I have begun with Rebekah trying to mind her own business, as usual, in the recreation room, and someone tries to 'console' her over what her dorm-mate attempted. She can see they have ulterior motives. A conversation ensues.
Klaus tries to explain himself to Caroline, and this time she will hear him out.
Elena has woken up to the sight of Alaric and Jeremy by her beside.