Okay, so… it's been… a week? I promised you guys a talk. It took me a long time to get it the way I wanted, and I'm still not completely happy with it. But I can't decide on a better way to write it, so I just decided I was going to post this and just leave it as is.

Um… what else? I'm thinking that there might be four or five more chapters. I know exactly how I am going to end the story… I just have to get there. Which is the hard part.

Oh, and the song: "Fall Away" by The Fray.

Read.

Chapter 10
Fall Away

"Hey," Derek said as he approached Addison at the nurses' station later that evening. She was finishing up the notes in her chart before heading home for the night.

"Hi," she replied.

"Your eyes are all red and bloodshot. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Tired."

"Too tired to have dinner with me? I thought we could grab some Chinese food and take it back to my place and talk."

She thought about it for a quick second. She had had a really long day, especially with having to deal with Mark's phone call and Meredith's conversations, and she was really tired and wanted to sleep. But this was the first time Derek had actually been the one to initiate an actual conversation, and something told her she better take advantage of that.

"No, not too tired for that," she said, smiling at him.

- - - - - - - - - -

You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out
You fall away from your past
But it's following you

An hour and a half later, they were sitting on the porch outside the trailer, finishing up the last of their dinner. They had been making small talk up until now, and both of them knew it was time to start dealing with more serious issues.

"I talked to Meredith today," Derek began cautiously. "I told her that whatever she and I had is over."

"Thank you," Addison replied simply, choosing not to bring up what she overheard Meredith talking about earlier. It had bothered her, yes, but there were more important things to deal with tonight than Meredith Grey's analysis of their relationship.

"So… where do we…?" Derek asked cautiously.

"I don't know."

They were both quiet for a moment before Derek finally spoke.

"Why did you sleep with Mark?"

Addison was taken aback by the bluntness of his question.

"Wow, way to cut to the chase there, Derek."

He just looked at her and raised his eyebrows, silently telling her that he was serious.

"You really want to know?" she asked him after she had taken a few seconds to collect her thoughts.

"I need to know."

"Then you have to let me talk, and you can't say anything until I'm done, okay?"

"Okay."

She took a deep breath and then began.

"It just… happened. It's not something I planned. I never thought I would be unfaithful to you. Ever. That night… I had a really terrible day at work. I lost three babies and a mother that day. I got home, and you weren't there. I wanted you to be there so badly… to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I missed you so much. You were always working, and I never saw you… and we both had gotten lazy. We didn't even bother to fight anymore, Derek. I guess by that point, I had just given up hope that you would ever see me again. Anyway, I was really upset, and Mark called to talk to you. But you weren't there. And he could tell that I had been crying, so he came over. I didn't want him there. But he wouldn't go home when I was so upset. He saw that I was vulnerable, and he took advantage. And I let him. I didn't try to stop him. He reminded me of you…"

Derek nodded slightly. This was incredibly painful for him to hear. Addison had stopped talking, so he asked, "When I caught you… was that the first…?"

"Yes. I told you that night, and I'll tell you again. It had never happened before, I swear."

"Okay."

"There's more, though."

He grimaced. Addison saw it. She didn't want to finish the story because knew it would hurt him. But he had to know. If they were going to do this, she had to be completely honest.

"After you left… I stayed with him. For almost two months. Until about a week before I came out here."

"You… you stayed with him?" Derek asked, disbelievingly. "You stayed with him?!" His voice was rising as he processed what he'd just heard.

"Yes," Addison replied softly.

Derek stood up and had begun pacing back and forth across the deck, running his fingers through his hair.

"You stayed… I can't believe you stayed with him!"

"I know, Derek! Don't you think I know how stupid that was?!"

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, then Addison continued.

"I just missed you so, so much. More than you could ever know." She began to talk faster, afraid that she wouldn't be able to say everything she wanted before he stopped listening to her. "And I thought that if I stayed with him, if I tried to make it work, then I wouldn't have thrown my marriage away for nothing. But I was wrong, okay? And he's Mark. And I caught him with somebody else."

Derek was silent. He had always suspected in the back of his mind that Addison might have stayed with Mark after he had left, but hearing her confirm it was so much different than just thinking that it might be true.

"Derek? Please say something."

"How could you have stayed with him?"

"I wasn't thinking. I was numb to everything. It was like I was in a trance. I was afraid I'd lost you forever. It's not an excuse, I know. But it's all I have."

"Why, um… why did you leave him?"

"Because I never should have been with him in the first place. Him cheating on me finally drove that point home. I never loved him."

She paused, waiting for some sort of response from Derek. He finally turned and looked at her, so she continued. "I gave my heart away fifteen years ago, and no one else could ever have it. You've got to know that, Derek. Why else would I still be here?"

It was silent for a few moments while Derek absorbed everything Addison had just told him.

"Derek, I am so sorry."

"Addison… when I caught you with Mark, I thought my world had ended. I had to get away… someplace where I wouldn't be reminded of what you did everyday. I didn't want to think about you at all."

"So… Meredith?"

He nodded. "I met her a couple nights after I got out here. She was the complete opposite of you, and I thought being with her would make me forget about you. About what you did. I thought I could just forget it all."

Addison just stared down at her lap, playing with the zipper on her jacket.

"But I was wrong." Her head shot back up, and she looked him straight in the eye as he continued talking. "I thought about you every day, Addie. Every day. I wasn't just angry with you; I was angry with me, too. I've slowly began realizing that I'm partly to blame for what our marriage has become."

He paused, then continued talking. "I'm not going lie to you, Addison; I'm still really angry with you. And I can't pretend that what you just told me didn't hurt. But I'm glad you told me. When my dad was here, he said that you and I don't stand a chance unless we forgive each other like crazy. I know he's right. But I'm not ready to forgive you. I want to... but I'm not to that point, yet. And I don't know if you are to the point of forgiving me for everything, either. But I want us to get there. I want to fix this."

"Me, too," she replied.

"It's going to take a while, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is," she said, realizing that they had hurt each other badly, maybe even deeper than either of them realized.

Derek reached over, gave her hand a squeeze and then let go. They just sat together for a long while, close but not touching. It was completely dark now. Crickets were chirping, and the stars were visible in the sky above them.

Addison knew she had to tell Derek the rest of the story. The rest of what had happened in New York after he left. She couldn't keep it from him forever. Not if she wanted an honest, open relationship. He had to know. She really didn't want to tell him tonight, though. But before she could stop herself, she was speaking again.

"Derek, there's something else you should know, too," she said slowly.

"Some other time, Add."

"I really think you need to know this."

"Is it something that absolutely cannot wait?"

"Well, no… but…"

"Then let's talk about it next time. I promise… we'll sit down and do this again. Just… no more tonight. Okay?"

"Okay," she agreed reluctantly.

"I'm tired. You want to drive me home?" Addison asked a minute later.

"I can do that. Or you can just crash here, if you want. You'll get to sleep quicker."

"Are you sure?"

"It's fine. The stuff you used last time is in the closet by the bed. Let me just grab a blanket, and I'll be out of your way."

"Derek, I'm not going to chase you out here when it's this cold. That bed is plenty big, and it's not like we've never slept together before."

"Yeah… I guess you're right," he agreed. They gathered their things from the porch and went inside and got ready for bed. Laying down a few minutes later, they both turned on their sides, facing each other.

"Do you realize we just had an almost civilized conversation with each other tonight?" Addison said.

"I know… kind of freaked me out a little."

They both laughed. Derek slowly leaned toward her, pulling her face toward his. He softly kissed her lips, and she smiled as he pulled away.

"Goodnight, Addie."

"'Night," she replied, already half-asleep.

Something I've done
That I can't outrun
Maybe should wait
Maybe you run
But there's something you've said
That can't be undone

- - - - - - - - - -

"You're in a good mood this morning," Miranda Bailey commented as she walked into the break room the next morning.

"Yes, I am," Addison replied.

Miranda began pouring herself a cup of coffee while sneaking sideways glances at the other doctor. Addison was seated at the table, humming quietly to herself while reading the newspaper.

"Any reason for this good mood? One that isn't going to make me sick to my stomach?"

"I spent the night at Derek's last night. And he made my favorite breakfast for me this morning," Addison replied with a smile.

"Okay, what did I just say?"

"Relax, Miranda. All we did was talk. In a civilized, no-name-calling, adult manner. And he kissed me. On his own."

"This story better end right there."

"It does," Addison said, smirking at Miranda. "For now, anyway."

"Well, either way, I'm really glad to see you in such a good mood. It's about time you looked happy to be here."

"I am. For the first time since I arrived, I can honestly say that I am happy. Last night was a big step for Derek and me. Obviously things aren't all sunshine and rainbows… but still…" she trailed off.

"Addison Shepherd… you can't stop smiling."

"I know."

"Good morning!" Izzie greeted them as she walked into the break room.

"'Morning, Izzie," Addison replied.

"Stevens, are you always this perky so early in the morning?" Miranda asked with little enthusiasm.

"Um… I guess," Izzie shrugged and went to sit down next to Addison.

"Well, you better still be perky in 20 minutes when we start rounds. Don't be late," Miranda said as she walked out of the room.

Addison was still reading her paper as Izzie sat next to her, staring at the attending and drumming her fingers on the table. Addison finally relented, lowering the newspaper and looking at Izzie with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Izzie asked innocently.

"You were staring at me."

"Sorry. I was just noticing how… different you look today. That's all."

Addison raised her eyebrow again.

"Not bad different! You look happy."

Addison smiled at her.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just… thank you for what you said yesterday. I'm hanging in there… things seem to be looking up."

"Good. I'm really glad."

Addison offered Izzie part of the newspaper, and they both sat there reading their respective sections until Addison's pager went off.

"I've gotta go," Addison said.

"Yeah, me too. Bailey will have my ass if I'm late for rounds."

"You want on my service today? I could use the extra help, if you're interested."

"Yeah, totally. I'll see you later."

Izzie rushed out of the room, and Addison followed behind her. The page wasn't a 911, so she figured it wouldn't do any harm for her to take her time answering it.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You need to talk to Derek," Izzie whispered to Meredith during rounds. "Tell him that you're not going to pursue him anymore and just end whatever it is you think you have with him. He told you it was over, and you need to accept that."

"What?"

"Just… trust me on this, okay?"

"No. Give me a reason."

"He's married! What more of a reason do you need?"

"He doesn't love her! Everyone can tell. And I know he didn't mean what he said yesterday. He's just trying to be the good guy. And I'm not giving up on what we had without a fight."

"That's just it, Mer – you didn't truly have anything. He was just hiding from reality. He's with Addison, and you just need to stay away. Please."

"Why are you taking her side? You're supposed to be my friend."

"I am your friend. If I didn't honestly believe this was the right thing to do, I wouldn't be asking you to do it."

"Well, I'm not going to do it. Not until he can look me in the eye and tell me that he loves her and is happy being with her. Until then, I'm not just going to give up."

Izzie glared at her friend. She loved Meredith to death, but she just couldn't believe how naïve she was when it came to Derek Shepherd.

"Stevens, Grey! Am I boring you?" Dr. Bailey's voice boomed.

"No," Meredith and Izzie answered simultaneously.

"Maybe a day in the pit would be more exiting. Go!"

Both women sighed and reluctantly made their way to the pit.

"Anyone else want to join them?" Miranda asked. Alex, George, and Cristina refused to make eye contact with her. "Didn't think so. Let's go."

- - - - - - - - - -

Addison reached the nurses' station where she had been paged and greeted the nurse behind the desk.

"Morning, Debbie. I was paged?"

"There's someone here to see you. He apparently thinks I am your personal secretary as opposed an actual nurse who has a real job to do. Jackass."

"Uh, okay… where is he?"

Debbie didn't have a chance to answer before Addison heard an all-too-familiar voice from behind her.

"'Morning, Addison. Good to see you."

And you fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away
It's following you

Don't you love it when I do that to you? Bahaha.

I will try to have the next chapter up this week, but I can't promise anything. I'm going to be busy finishing up at work and getting packed to head back to school. Finally.

Review.