Seeking Clarity
Chapter Ten - Found
She pushes herself up with a groan.
The sun streaming through her bedroom window tells her it's much, much later than her usual wake up. Yes, it was a late night, but her body generally won't let her sleep like this anymore.
She's earned this day off. Yesterday was insane. She'd arrived at a crime scene before dawn, managed to be a gracious host for Castle's poker game while Martha took over the loft for yet another class, and somehow still stayed up late with him after his group left.
Her heart still pounds with pride at the knowledge of exactly who she had playing poker in her home. Not just that, Castle's friends like her. Patterson likes her. Connelly, too. Alex Conrad likes her, too, but that she's known. It was good to see him again. It was also fun to hear about their upcoming projects. She's not at liberty to discuss anything (although besides maybe her father, Castle's the only one she would tell), which makes it even better.
And if she's honest, the subtle, jealous twitch of Rick's jaw when Conrad kissed her cheek goodbye wasn't terrible to see, either. Castle made sure to leave his mark on her in other places; she has stubble burn on her thigh and a memory full of what her partner had really wanted to say and do last year when Conrad "shadowed" her for that brief time.
She likes not having to lie and sneak around anymore. Everyone but Gates knows about them now.
And if the tapping she hears from her living room is any indication, his writer's block is officially broken.
Relief floods her. He's writing again. The words have come back to him after weeks of nothing.
She's on her way out of the bathroom when she hears the tapping cease. Hopefully, she hasn't broken his concentration by moving around, but he picks it up again a few seconds later. It's difficult to contain the thrill of knowing he's writing in her living room after sleeping (hopefully sleeping) in her bed. Maybe she should look into becoming president of his fan club. She certainly has the credibility.
When she comes in, his eyes lift from the screen just long enough to acknowledge her. She smiles quickly, pointing to the kitchen.
"Coffee?"
"Left your mug on your nightstand a few minutes ago," he hums, already typing again. "I thought it might've been what woke you."
He – really? She twists, leaning in the doorway to spy her nightstand and the bright white monogrammed mug. He did.
She's not sure if she imagines Castle's chuckle when she groans around the first sip. Whatever; let him laugh at her. There are many reasons to celebrate the coffee this morning. With her caffeine craving satisfied for the moment, she returns to the living room, dropping a respectable distance beside him and lifting her mug in thanks. Castle just smiles and returns to staring at the computer.
Hey, she recognizes that keyboard. Is he? Yes, yes he is; he's using her laptop. He's writing his book on her computer. She hides a grin against the rim of her coffee mug, pressing her toes into the divot in the cushion under his thigh. He sleeps in her bed, writes on her laptop, and she has an open invitation to touch him. Take that, groupies.
Castle looks over, unapologetic. He knows how many boxes he's ticking for her today and he adores it. Just as she starts to wonder what his next trick will be, he leans over. The kiss is sloppy and silly, leaving them both grinning when they part.
"Morning."
"Mhmm, good morning. Sort of. I can't believe you let me sleep this late; it's almost noon." She thumbs a slow circle on his jaw. "What time did you get up?"
"Oh, uh, seven…ish?" He looks sheepish, like he should be ashamed of sneaking out of bed to work. "I just had the idea and I didn't want to risk losing it if I didn't get up. I'm almost done, I think."
She hums in encouragement. "Take your time. It's lazy day."
"I like lazy day." He smiles gleefully, curling his hand around her ankle. His fingers begin a slow trek up her leg, doodling nonsense against her bare knee before hiding under the hem of her shirt (his shirt). "I like lazy days when this is all you wear, particularly."
She swats his hand away before he has the chance to find out if the dress shirt is all she's wearing. "Write your book, Castle. Later."
He grins, turning back to the computer once more. Neither of them acknowledge his mumbled, "Later's so far away."
Instead, she watches him take a deep breath and flex his fingers before he dives back into the amazing world he's created.
She watches him for longer than she cares to admit, taking in every shift of his face as he works. Sometimes he smiles, sometimes he chuffs at his own wit. He frowns when something just doesn't work; his large fingers hit the backspace with a little more force than she'd expect, though she supposes it does make sense. Having to break to edit interrupts his flow. She doesn't blame him for not wanting to go back.
They don't speak. She sips her coffee until the cup is dry, and turns to Castle's mug when the prospect of getting up for more isn't as appealing as sitting there with him.
Blegh, it's cold. He really has been in the zone this morning. Holding both mugs to her chest, she stands. Castle barely registers her movement.
"More?" she chances breaking his concentration, asking him quietly.
His eyes lift but his head doesn't. "Wha? Oh no, not for me. That was my third one. I made a fresh pot for you, though. There's plenty."
"Thanks, babe." She'll get him water instead.
His eyebrows wiggle in response.
"Yeah, yeah," she drawls, dropping an affectionate kiss on his head. His amusement carries her to the kitchen.
She doesn't mind losing his attention so easily in this case. It's for a good cause; the sooner he finishes, the sooner the book – Frozen Heat, he's told her – goes to print. Which means it'll be in her hands soon, too.
The prospect thrills her.
Breakfast might be in order since she doubts he's eaten on top of all that coffee. A glance into her fridge has her gawking.
"Castle, how much did you buy yesterday?" It pops out before she can stop it.
"It looks like there's more than there is. It's enough for a couple days here and it won't spoil if you're at the loft."
Well, he has her there. They do spend more time at his place than hers. At least he stocked the kitchen well.
"Good thinking." She twists away from the fridge with her spoils.
He smiles quickly, wiggling his foot in acknowledgment. So this is what he's like when he's writing. It's pretty hot.
"You're staring at me, Beckett," he singsongs a minute later.
"Just turning the tables on you." She grabs the toast when it pops up. "Makes ya feel weird, doesn't it?"
"Mmm. I dunno, I kind of like it. Should I do something manly for you?"
She rolls her eyes, lifting the plate they'll share and grabbing their beverages for quick transport into the other room. Castle opens his mouth for a bite as soon as she sits, seemingly unwilling to remove his hands from the keyboard. She shoves the toast between his teeth, indulging him anyway. He's ridiculous, but he's writing.
"You're getting crumbs on my computer, you know."
"Wha- oh, sorry, sorry. I'll clean it up." His hand comes up to catch the bread.
"You'd better." She offers him a napkin, too. "And wipe the butter off your fingers."
"Yes, mom."
She pinches his ear gently before leaning in to nip at his jaw. "Don't call me your mom. That's weird. And oh, I'm doing laundry in a few; tell me what you want washed before you go back into the zone."
Too late. He looks up, confused. "What?"
"Don't worry about it. I'll wash whatever's in the hamper. You eat and write. Finish my book."
"O-ho, your book?"
It's not how she meant for it to come out, but she'll take ownership of it. "Uh huh. Mine." She leans against the arm of the couch, sipping her coffee and nibbling at her breakfast.
"Possessive, aren't we?"
"Shut up. And don't mock me."
He turns soft eyes to her, reaching for her hand. She puts the plate aside, giving her fingers to him.
"Not mocking, Kate. Not mocking at all. I'm glad you love it. I love that you love it."
She looks away, cheeks flushing.
"I'm glad the books have grown on you. And I'm happy to catch you trying to sneak a peek at the screen whenever you look over. As a writer, that means I'm doing my job, and as your ruggedly handsome partner, it makes me proud to know you're proud of them."
He kisses her wrist and she smiles at his honesty, his tenderness, and yes, even his ego.
"And while we're on the subject, when did I sign When It Comes to Slaughter for you?"
So he has snooped through his Greatest Hits collection.
She squirms up. "My second year on the force, I was on loan to the Midtown North Precinct and you were having a signing nearby. So I ducked out on my lunch break, thinking it'd be quick and I'd be back at work in forty five minutes or less. When It Comes to Slaughter was the one I," she pauses, licking her lips quickly. "It was the one I was reading when my mom was killed. I must've read it a dozen times after she died. I think I took it everywhere. So that was the one I wanted to have you sign."
She can see him doing the math, picturing her as a twenty-something in her uniform to see if he can remember that day. She can already tell he hopes to remember that day. He won't, and that's okay. She doesn't blame him.
"Was I… how was the signing?"
"If you're asking whether you tried to get me to sleep with you, Castle, you didn't. So you can relax. Or lament your lack of foresight."
Her lame attempt at lightening the mood goes unnoticed. He still looks serious. "But I was good to you?"
She closes the distance between them, dragging his head to hers and kissing him hard.
"You were good to me, Castle. You asked me my name and about my day. You thought it was cool that I was a real cop, and I was so nervous I think I made some ridiculous joke about it beating being a security guard at FAO Schwarz."
Castle laughs softly, leaning his head against hers.
"I mean it, Castle. You were sweet and attentive, and my three tongue-tied minutes with you were worth the huge wait and all the shit I got at work for being gone so long. Will teased me about it a couple years later," she hums softly, rubbing his neck when he huffs at her ex's name. "Then he found all the books, and he called me Kate the Super Fan and asked if he needed to worry about stalking charges."
"Sorenson's an asshole," he mutters. It's not an incorrect statement if she's honest, but it still makes her smile a little to hear it come from him.
"Tell me, do you think any of the guys I've dated aren't?"
"Well Demming's not bad," he says it lightly, but the tick of his jaw says they won't be having a boys night any time soon. "But you can do so much better. Like you are now."
She doesn't tell him about their miss, how she could've been 'doing so much better' for a lot longer. Maybe someday she'll tell him how it felt to practically have her bags packed for a weekend with him only to have it fall apart. She'd been so angry at him back then, but time and hashing it out with Burke has shown her it wasn't all his fault; he's not actually a mind reader, no matter how spooky it is when he does know what she's thinking. Ultimately, she's not sure they would be here now if she had gone with him.
"Yeah, yeah," she murmurs, surprised at how tight her throat is at the prospect of not making it to here with him. "Anyway, that's the story of my first Richard Castle book signing. I liked that Castle a lot more than the one I met a few years later at that party, by the way."
He trails his fingers over her wrist. "But you still liked me a little, right?"
"I kinda thought you were an ass."
His teeth graze her wrist, sending zings through her arm. She'd thought he was an ass, but she'd still spent more than a few nights talking herself out of wanting him.
"Still liked me a little."
"I admit nothing."
His lips twitch against her skin. "I bet I can make you admit it."
"Oh yeah?"
Her foot slides along his leg, careful not to send her computer tumbling to the floor. The last thing they need is for her hard drive to end up busted and for his morning to be a waste. It seems he has similar concerns, because he lowers the computer sideways, his mouth never leaving her wrist.
"Mhmm, talented."
"I try." He grins, rubbing his nose against her arm.
Her foot slips into his lap, toes wiggling against the inseam of his sleep shorts.
He grunts, his breath coming quicker. She finagles her wrist out of his grasp, sliding her fingers between his to squeeze his hand instead. Before he can protest, she swoops in to kiss and capture his lower lip.
Groaning her name, he yanks her closer. Teasing time is over and she isn't complaining. She doesn't even bother reminding him that he should be writing.
"I want you to read it."
She's half asleep when he says it, pressed comfortably into his side as their breathing returns to normal. His hand makes lazy trails on her bare back. It doesn't help her wake up, but she can't bring herself to tell him to stop.
"Read it?" She peeks an eye open.
"The book. When I finish. Before it goes under lock and key and I'm not allowed to show anyone under penalty of thumbscrews."
She smiles sleepily, wiggling her fingers on his belly to get to his hand. Her lips close around his thumb, tongue sliding in slow circles. It's the same digit he used to drive her insane a few minutes earlier.
"Well we don't want that," she teases, looking up at him from underneath her lashes. Even with her teasing, he looks shy, almost uncertain. "Castle, I'd love to read it before a vow of silence is necessary."
He exhales, dipping his head to press their lips together. She tastes his relief.
"But I have just one question," she adds.
"Hmm?"
"Do I still get my advanced copy?"
He grins. "Well I wouldn't want to ruin the symmetry of your collection."
She squeezes him gently, stretching up to kiss him once more. "Thanks."
"You don't have to thank me for that, Kate."
Love has made her insane. There's no other way to explain why she's doing this.
She's taking him and his daughter zombie walking for their anniversary. Their totally made up anniversary. They're celebrating four months and change according to Castle's text announcement, warning her to be ready for merriment at any future time. But she's the one organizing this; she's the one with a palette of grotesque makeup on her bathroom counter. As far as he knows, she still thinks the entire non-anniversary anniversary thing is stupid. And it is, but here she is anyway.
Castle was just so excited at the prospect of it during their case. After the writer's block, and the stress Alexis was under before finally choosing Columbia, she can't help but want to do this for them. It's the perfect gift for both of them. They've put up with so much from her, indirectly and directly, they deserve something like this in return.
Taking a deep breath, she starts applying the mask Kyle directed her to pick up from the costume store. It smells rank and feels disgusting, but for her partner's happiness, she'll do it.
Her discomfort pays off when she comes strolling up the sidewalk, zombified quite hideously if she can say so herself. He's astounded, maybe even a little overwhelmed; he's been beaten at his own cosplaying game. When Alexis joins them a moment later, similarly decked out, Castle looks like he actually might cry.
"Surprise," she greets, tugging the lapels of his jacket to kiss him hard, makeup and all.
The motion earns her a mid-kiss guffaw. He's a fan, definitely.
As indecent as the kiss felt at the time, Alexis isn't even looking away when they part. She'll take that as a good sign.
Castle licks his lips, looking between them eagerly. "This is… wow. What is this? I mean you look great, you both do, but… I thought we were going to dinner?"
Alexis links arms with her father, kissing his cheek gently. They're both enjoying Castle's confusion.
"We are. Just not here," Castle's daughter gestures to the restaurant beside them. "And we have a second activity after dinner. So you, father, need to change. We can't go anywhere with you looking like that." To emphasize her point, Alexis holds up the bag with Castle's zombie costume.
"Unless you want to be a normal," she adds, picking up where Alexis leaves off.
Castle beams at the possibilities. "Beckett, do you promise to catch me and eat my tasty, tasty brain to turn me?"
She smiles indulgently, shaking her head in Alexis' direction.
"Sure, Castle, I'll take care of that tasty, well-aged brain of yours."
"Hey!"
She and Alexis make the decision for him to save time, each taking an arm and tugging him to their real dinner destination. It's silly and stupid to celebrate a made up anniversary, but this is going to be fun.
Hours later, the three of them stumble into the loft, trying in vain to quiet their cackles so they won't wake Martha. Their makeup is smeared, partially wiped away by sweat and forgetful hands (and in her case, from the kisses Castle kept stealing as she helped him "turn").
They're tired, they're sweaty, they're stinky, but oh it was fun. Kicking loose like that was exactly what they needed, no matter the "occasion." Rick and Alexis both look so relaxed.
And now she's going to conclude the night by making them food. A zombie breakfast, she's been calling it mentally since she made the plans.
"Okay," she pants, holding her belly as the laughter subsides, leaving a mild ache in her side. "I'm starving. I want eggs, toast, and bacon. Who's in?"
Castle groans, "Once again, you have read my mind, Beckett. I'll start it after we clean up?" He's already heading toward his bedroom. Alexis nods her agreement, making her way to the stairs.
She shakes her head. "I'll make it, but there's a catch."
Both Castles stop short, eyeing her suspiciously. She hasn't told Alexis this part.
"Zombie breakfast," she announces triumphantly, reaching into the fridge for the eggs.
Not for the first time that night, Castle looks awestruck. Alexis just grins.
"You should marry her, Dad. Just go ahead and do it in the zombie makeup."
They gawk.
"I… uh…"
Alexis rolls her eyes. "Fine, be weird."
Castle recovers first, thankfully, drawing his daughter closer for the ultimate in zombie attacks: tickles. Their distraction gives her a chance to escape into the fridge again.
Alexis is thinking about the two of them getting married. Alexis is already thinking about it even though it hasn't even been six months and they could still easily crash and burn. It's humbling and it's terrifying at the same time to have someone put that much faith in this, in her, when some days are still a struggle to get out of bed. But he helps her, Castle does. (All jokes about him helping her out of bed aside.) Alexis helps, too. Martha and all her craziness helps. They all help.
She glances back at Castle, feeling stupidly bashful.
It's a thought that has crossed her mind, and not just in the last few months. Their entire partnership has felt like a marriage (albeit an arranged one in the beginning) in some ways, so obviously the idea has crossed her mind. She's also glad they've finally gotten to the perks of a marriage, instead of only having the fights. But there's a big difference between contemplating and actually talking about it like it's a foregone conclusion.
Castle smiles easily, catching her eye. He's radiating a calmness she used to only see when he talked about his family. Now she's on the receiving end of that look.
She is family. Last year he sat in her living room with Ryan and Esposito as she declared the four of them family. Now he's showing her she's his family, too.
"Do the toast, Castle," she murmurs, tossing the loaf at him. Thankfully, he catches it without incident. His throw is fine, but they'll work on catching before she takes him to a ballgame in the summer.
"Zombie toast?" he says eagerly, lifting his eyebrows.
"Sure, zombie toast." She rolls her eyes playfully.
Once everything's set up for cooking, she bites her lip. "Where's the food coloring?" It's one thing she didn't think about when she shopped.
Rick points to the cabinet. "In there, behind the sprinkles. Oh! We should do cookies tomorrow; take them into the precinct. I bet Gates will like them."
"Uh huh." She finds the food coloring and returns, cracking the eggs. "Or she could give you the stink eye for trying to bribe her with baked goods."
"It works, though, doesn't it? It worked on you."
She narrows her eyes at him. "When?"
"Well, it wasn't really baked goods for you, it was coffee. But it's the same general idea."
"You think the coffee's what won me over, Castle?" She whisks the eggs, adding the green food coloring quickly.
"I – ah, well, I don't want to assume it was my charm or my handsome good looks, but if that's what you're saying, Beckett, I suppose I'll have to accept that."
She and Alexis share a glance, rolling their eyes in unison.
"Maybe it was the coffee," she drawls, bumping him with her hip.
"Oh no, you already said it wasn't. Can't take that back, Beckett. It had to be because I'm so devastatingly handsome, and charming, and –"
"So very modest," she teases, leaning into the kiss he swipes on her cheek. Her hand curves around his jaw, smudging the remaining makeup over his skin.
"It's one of my better features, yes."
"Uh huh. You know, I never said I wasn't the coffee. I just asked you if that's what you thought it was."
She turns toward the stove, pouring their eggs into the pan.
Castle's hands warm her hips through her pants. His happiness vibrates through his fingers, drawing another smile onto her face. They did well tonight. Celebrating this ridiculous anniversary is good for them.
Her mom used to celebrate ridiculous things, too. She always encouraged her to celebrate, too. Now apparently she does.
Not for the first time, she wishes the two of them could've met. She's sure they would've found each other fascinating. Castle would've driven her mother crazy with questions about her work. She can only imagine how many times her mother would've had to ask if Castle ever stopped asking questions. It's both a silly thought and a melancholy one, all at the same time. They won't have that, they never will.
Thinking about it, though, she's surprised he hasn't picked her father's brain yet. Maybe she'll suggest that; give them something to talk about that isn't her. Castle has a tendency to get nervous when they see her dad, and it's adorable, but not really want she wants their relationship to be like.
"Sit," she commands softly, shaking herself out of her thoughts. "You're distracting me and I don't want to burn our eggs."
His fingers press into her hips, telling her distraction is exactly what he was hoping to achieve. He really doesn't play fair.
"Yes, love muffin. I anxiously await our zombie eggs."
"Call me love muffin again and something more potent will replace the food coloring in yours."
He scoffs. "You love love muffin."
No, but she loves him, so she puts up with it.
As always, the other shoe drops.
They've been happy, they've been great. And now this.
He's worried about her. She knows he's worried. She's worried, too, but this is exactly the break they've needed. It's been almost a year of nothing and now this. It's obvious the man behind all of this – the Dragon – is getting antsy. He's antsy and he's sending her a message: He's coming for her.
Let him come for her. Let him thinking coming after her will send her into hiding. She's ready. She's not running like a coward. She's survived losing her mother, she's survived a bullet to the chest, she's going to survive this and she will take this man down.
It's time to put this to rest, it's time to get the justice her mother deserves. It's time to live her life for real – to love Castle and be good for him the way he deserves – the way she's been trying to, without always looking over her shoulder.
This is it.
It's the worst possible moment, as if there ever is a good moment to receive a reminder that a powerful man will stop at nothing to keep that power. She knows he wants it this way. He wants her scrambling to hold onto how good her life has been. He wants her shaken and rethinking her plans. He wants her worrying about her family, and she is. But that only makes her more determined.
Let him try to take them from her. She's not losing anyone else. She doesn't care what it takes.
She knows Castle thinks she's slipping, but she's fine. She can do this. They can do this.
It's not the safe, carefully planned moment they've talked about waiting for, but it's here. It's time. She'll put this man where he belongs – in jail, paying for what he did to her mother, to Roy, to her – and then she'll be able to have more than a taste of what it's like to feel good, to feel loved and to love in return. She knows that's what Castle wants for her, for them, too.
They just have to get this done.
She hasn't seen Castle all day. Not since she convinced him to go home and see Alexis. His daughter's been struggling to write her speech, and even though the girl has said multiple times to them both that she wants to do it alone, it doesn't hurt to have her father there to help her through it. In a way, she's glad Alexis needs the guidance. She needs the chance to immerse herself in the case again. It's been too long since she looked at it. The details aren't as sharp as they need to be.
One thing stands out for her: If she finds the man who shot her, she finds whoever sent him.
The sun has long since set and her third (fourth?) cup of coffee has been cold for hours when Castle lets himself in.
"Just me," he calls, giving her the chance to relax her stance. She's on edge and she knows he is, too, just from the stilted way he's approaching. Of course he's on edge, too. He has stake in this. He was right beside her that day last year.
"Hey." Her gun goes back on the desk before she meets him in the middle of the room.
She's able to ignore the desperate way he frames her face before he kisses her, but she can't ignore the nervous look in his eyes when he pulls back. Rubbing his waist gently just makes him draw her closer.
"How's Alexis?" she asks, stepping back before he can embrace her fully. It hurts him; even his poker face isn't good enough to hide that. But she can't let herself sink into him. Not yet.
"Good. Well, I mean, not great. She's stressing, still. I asked if she wanted me to write it for her, but you know Alexis…" he trails off, lifting a shoulder in attempt at levity.
Her laughter is tight, forced. "Yeah I do. She'll get it, though. Something will click."
"That's what I told her, too."
Nodding, she gestures to her murder board. They might as well stop pretending this isn't what he's here to talk about. "Show you what I'm working on?"
She's already at the window before he can answer. "Esposito called me a few minutes ago. Our killer had a keychain. He matched it to Eastway Car Rentals."
"That could be one of a thousand cars," Castle murmurs. His voice is dull, strained, and she tries not to let it get to her. The call gave her hope that they're getting somewhere.
"I know, it's not a lot to go on, but they keep photocopies of their licenses, so unless he's somehow gotten to those…"
"Kate…" he hedges.
"I know, he's probably using a fake ID, but we should still be able to narrow it down from there –"
"Kate," he says it again, harsher this time. She twists, feeling her stomach sink with the knowledge of what he's going to say next.
"You have to stop. Before things get out of hand."
Reaching for him, she tries to smile. It may or may not come off as a grimace, but she forges ahead. "I know, Castle. We've talked about this. I'm fine, I'm in control."
"No you're not. I know you think you are, but Kate, what time is it? Have you eaten? You didn't answer my last three calls, or respond to my texts, and your phone obviously works or you wouldn't have been talking to Esposito. You're not in control, you're shoving me out, and that'd be fine if it weren't for the fact that if you keep going like this…"
"Castle-"
"They're going to kill you, Kate, you know that. I'm just trying to protect you."
"Castle, I don't need protection. What I need is to work on this with you. Is this about Smith? Did you talk to him? Did he say something?"
"No, no, he hasn't contacted me since January and the number I have… he didn't pick up. But Kate, they're coming for you, and you're throwing yourself right into the middle of it all."
"Let them come," she insists, her voice rising. "They sent Coonan and he's dead. They sent Lockwood, and he is dead. And I'm still here, Castle. I'm ready for this." Her breath is short, but she fights to control it; she is not having a panic attack over this.
"Well I'm not," he snaps. "I'm not ready for you to go running at this, for you to die for your cause. I'm not ready to stand at your funeral beside your dad. I'm not ready to be the one he calls on to give your eulogy and say goodbye to the woman I love. I love you, Kate, and I know you love me, too, even though it's hard to open that part of you up. But even if you don't," his voice cracks. "Even if you don't, if the past few months mean anything to you at all… don't do this, Kate. It's not a murder investigation anymore, it's a war."
What the hell does he think the last five months have meant to her?
"You know what they've meant to me, Castle," she hisses. "You know what you mean to me, or you should. But, this is my mother, Castle. This is everything I've been for the past thirteen years. This is the most important thing in my life." It's not what she means to say, it's not even how she feels, but before she can explain or take it back he's nodding, his face impassive.
"Well, then I guess there's nothing else I can say, is there?" He clears his throat. "You're right, Kate, it is your life and it was stupid of me to think it was more than that. To think we were building something bigger than this."
Her heart squeezes at the touch of his lips to her temple. This isn't… it's not what she wants, damn it! It's not what she meant, not at all. She tries to grip his shirt to keep him there, so she has time to explain herself and take back the harshness of her words, but he's already gone. He's already stalking across her apartment, his head bent in defeat, shoulders bearing the weight their fight.
"Good luck, Kate. I hope you find what you need."
She should go after him and apologize. Make him listen. Make him hear her. But she doesn't. She can't. She's rooted to the floor. A traitorous part of her even wonders if maybe it's for the best. If he's… if he's gone, then maybe he'll be safe from this. Whatever happens with her shooter, he'll be safe. If he's not beside her and he's not investigating, he's safe.
Maybe if she says it enough, she'll actually convince herself that's true.
Even her new mantra doesn't stop her heart from splitting at the sight of his key on her countertop. The heart sticker he'd dredged from his desk's bottom drawer mocks her, even from across the room, even from her pocket.
She doesn't sleep. His body heat and the solid press of him against her back have been enough to keep the nightmares at bay. Having spent most of her evening staring at her mother's lifeless eyes, looking at Roy's picture… nightmares are a given. Without him there, sleep won't happen.
So no, she doesn't sleep. At 4:45, she showers and changes her clothes. It's almost first light when she leaves her apartment. Instead of going straight to work, her feet take her to the cemetery, to her mom.
Most of the time she doesn't speak aloud when she's here. Most of the time she remembers her mother's laugh and the way she'd smile, but she never speaks. Today she does. Today she tells her mother all about Castle, all about their partnership, and all about their fight.
"He gave me his key, Mom, and he said good luck and that was that." She sniffs, swiping her hand under her eye. "I just want to get this done. I want it to be over. I don't want to have to worry about being on a crowded street with him and a sniper taking one of us, maybe both of us, out. I want to be able to look at your picture, Mom, and see someone other than a victim." She takes a breath.
"I want to see you again, not a crime scene. And I blew it. I couldn't do it, I couldn't just tell him that. And I couldn't tell him I love him when he's awake. I do love him. God, he's so," her voice cracks, "he's so important to me. But so are you, so is this. And I'm gonna get this done for you, Mom," she promises, wiping her cheeks quickly. "I'm gonna finish what I started."
She has to go. She has to get to work. "I'll see you soon, Mom."
He doesn't call. She doesn't expect him to, even if she did harbor some hope that a night apart would be enough to dull his anger and bring him back. But Alexis is graduating today and the ball is in her court.
She'd been invited to the graduation ceremony. She and Castle had made plans, date night plans. They're both things she desperately wants to do. But she can't think about them now. Not while they have this lead, this chance. Getting this guy means Alexis won't have to worry about her father's safety, she won't have to worry about some masked man ripping her only parent away.
Ryan's reluctant. He doesn't want to do this, especially not without Castle. But this is how it has to go down. Castle's out, whether she wants him to be or not, and they have a location on the man who shot her – Maddox. What the hell is she supposed to do? This is probably their only chance, since he's either going to leave town or take another run at her. She's not willing to wait him out. Not if she can get to him now, not if she can catch him with his pants down.
And if he's off balance, maybe they can get him to talk, to give them the damn name of who's behind this.
"You sure about this, Beckett?" It's Ryan's last-ditch effort as she and Javi prepare to leave. "I can… you want me to call Castle? Shouldn't he be here?"
Her stomach clenches. "Don't, Ryan. Just… stay put. We'll call in when we get more intel."
Whatever Ryan says next is lost as she and Espo grab the elevator.
He was right, of course. She can only admit it as she hangs off the side of a building less than two hours later; Ryan was right, Castle was right.
Oh God, Castle. He's… she's doing the one thing she promised she wouldn't do to him. He's going to… God, he's going to have to bury her if she can't hold on. If someone doesn't come. Maddox isn't coming back to finish the job, at least not right now, that much is obvious.
He might not even have to if she can't hold on.
All because she's selfish. She's been so selfish this entire time. She took what Castle offered her, everything he offered her, and she threw it back at him.
Wasn't it just months ago that she stood on a building, on a rooftop much like this one and practically begged him to forgive her for doing the same thing? For being cowardly. She was a coward then and she's a coward now. Forget all the work she's done, she's still a coward.
She can be better, she can work harder, be the person he needs, the person he loves. God, she should've told him she loves him, she should've forced the words out of her throat and told him. Instead, she let him walk out like it was nothing. Like there was nothing to the time she'd spent in his arms beyond a need for release.
It was everything.
It is everything. It's more than her shooting, it's more than losing her mother, more than the monster she just fought. The last few months with Castle… they're everything. Laughing with him, kissing him, making love… that's everything.
That's what she's losing; what she may have already lost.
Her hand slips.
The keen of protest flies from her lips. No. No, no, no, this is not how this ends. This is not how she dies.
"Castle!" It slips out before she can stop herself. Maybe Ryan called him. Maybe he'll come. Maybe he'll just know what she's gotten herself into and be here.
Her hand hurts. Everything hurts.
She wants him here so badly, but she doesn't want him to see her fall.
"Beckett!"
It's him, he's here.
"Castle!" She attempts to adjust her grip on the ledge. It's tenuous, but right now she's still holding on. She can hold on for him. She can hold on long enough to make this right.
"Beckett, hold on!"
She's trying, she is. Her fingers feel flayed to the bone, but she hangs on. She calls him to her; she tells him where to find her.
When her grip falters, it's his name she calls. When a hand wraps around her wrist, she swears it's his hand. She swears it's him.
Her heart plummets when Ryan shakes his head.
Castle's not here. He didn't come.
He didn't come.
It races through her mind as she's looked over by EMS, perched right beside Espo. He's going to have a hell of a headache for a while, but he's otherwise fine. It repeats when her friend apologizes to her, all the while holding an ice pack to his head, because Maddox got away.
It repeats as they ride back to the precinct in silence, and as Gates reams them out for everything they've done over the last few days. It repeats as she touches the badge she once fought so hard to earn, the one she thought could bring all the answers. It did, in a way. It brought her him.
Castle deserves better, he always has. But he's wanted her this whole time. She's been enough for him this whole time; broken pieces, walls, and all.
He's been enough, too, despite all evidence she's given him to the contrary. He is enough. He's more than enough. He's everything; smartass quips, childlike glee, and walls of his own.
She can only hope she can make it up to him, fix the mess she's made. She's going to show him he's more than enough. He's more than her trusty sidekick, more than Sancho Panza to her Don Quixote. He's more than crime scene photos and her mother's murder.
And so is she.
She's more. He's more. They are more.
It's probably inappropriate to do it, but she takes a chance and goes to Alexis' school. She doesn't have a ticket and doesn't have the authority to barge in, but nobody challenges her when she walks through the doors. Alexis' voice carries through the hall, drawing her in with talk of endings and saying goodbye, all of the things the girl's been worrying about as her time in high school concludes. Slipping into the auditorium, she sees the girl's eyes trained on the crowd, on her father. Alexis is talking to him as much as she's talking to her peers.
His daughter's talking to him about endings, about goodbyes.
Please don't let her have broken him. Not beyond repair.
Her heart seizes as Alexis continues, describing the person, the people, who'll stay with them, no matter what the next part of their journey is. That's him, that's Castle. The one she wants with her on her journey. Her North Star. Her constant.
"Always."
Her breath hitches.
Always. Not just last week, not just yesterday, not just tomorrow. Always. She can do that. Her mother would want her to do that with him.
Always.
She wipes her eyes quickly, finding the back of Castle's head in the crowd and hoping if nothing else he'll be willing to listen. She doesn't need instant forgiveness, she doesn't want instant forgiveness, she just wants the chance to earn everything once again. Her partner doesn't move, except to get to his feet to applaud his daughter. He doesn't respond to her silent entreaties for him to look back, to see her, but Alexis does. The girl's eyes sweep the crowd, somehow landing directly on her. All she can offer her is a watery smile and a weak wave, but it's somehow enough. Alexis' fingers wiggle in response.
She stays for the rest of the ceremony. She stands through another speaker, through the reading of the names, and watching Alexis receive her empty diploma cover. She hasn't known Alexis her entire life, barely a fraction of it actually, but pride for her swells anyway. She remembers the soft-spoken, strikingly intelligent girl who leaned over her father's shoulder that night at his book launch, proclaiming, "That's new," before she whisked him away. She remembers the girl who marched up to her in the precinct with her grandmother and drolly asked if she could bail her meddlesome parent out of jail. She remembers the girl who made her hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and welcomed her into her home like it was obvious she belonged there.
She has to earn her place again, but she wants to belong there, she wants to be one of those constants in the girl's life, more than just the cop who tossed her father in lockup for being annoying. She wants to be able to tell the young woman on stage how proud she is to know her. To call her family.
When balloons fall from the ceiling and cheers sweep through the crowd, she can't help but join in. Her hands sting as she applauds, but it doesn't matter. They'll heal.
Slowly, chatter starts. Eager parents, friends, and relatives rise from their chairs to greet their excited graduates. A week ago, hell two days ago, she would've jumped into the fray with the other well-wishers to join her partner and his family and added her voice to the cacophony. She would've apologized for being late, offering hugs to Alexis and Martha and a kiss for Castle. Today she hangs back, watching Castle engulf his daughter in a hug, spinning her around even though there's not enough room for that. Today she revels in their happiness, even if she's not a part of it.
"Kate!"
"Oh, Kate, you made it." Martha's arms wind around her. How on Earth did they sneak up on her?
Castle must not have told his family everything; if he had, there's no way his mother would welcome her like this, there's no way his daughter would be smiling at her from her father's arms.
Her eyes shut involuntarily, unable to meet her partner's gaze just yet. Martha's hand rubs her back gently and she can't help but give in to the comfort for a little longer.
"I did, I'm sorry I was late." She finds Alexis' eyes. "I heard most of your speech, though. You were fantastic."
Alexis thanks her softly, reaching out for an affectionate, giddy hug. She returns it without hesitation, murmuring her congratulations into the girl's ear.
"Thanks," Alexis whispers. "I'm glad you're here."
The torn skin on her hand catches on the girl's robe, reminding her this day could've ended differently.
"Me, too, Alexis. I am, too."
Alexis nods, rocking back easily and sliding into her father's arms again. "I should… probably go find the others. But I'll see you guys tomorrow?"
Her heart flutters, knowing she's included in the question. If Alexis hasn't written her off, maybe Castle hasn't yet either.
Finally, the man himself speaks, and though he's addressing his daughter, his eyes are on her. "You will see me tomorrow at lunch, Daughter. And your grandmother you'll probably see in two days when she comes slinking home from her next scandal."
They all know what he's doing, making it a joke to avoid the issue, but still they play along. Martha swats at him and kisses Alexis loudly, declaring she's made her old bones proud. Castle kisses his mother's cheek, nodding in response to whatever it is she whispers in his ear.
She gets the same treatment; a hug and a kiss, and a murmured word of encouragement before Hurricane Martha joins a line of people waiting to exit.
Alexis kisses her father's cheek firmly. "There's Lina, Dad. I'm going to grab her and meet the others. I love you."
Castle smiles a bittersweet smile of fatherly pride. "I love you, too, pumpkin. Have fun tonight. I'll take your cap and gown home."
"Thanks, Dad."
The graduation robe barely makes it into Castle's hand before Alexis is running toward her friend.
And now it's just them.
"Hi," she offers lamely, stepping closer. Without time to gather her thoughts, gather her courage, it's all she can manage. She doesn't want to do this here, but if it's the only place he'll listen, then she will.
He shakes his head, gesturing for her to go ahead of him. She has no idea where he wants to go, but he hasn't walked away, and he hasn't told her to go to hell. So she walks.
The crowd hasn't thinned much, but they skirt around everyone to walk straight out into the rain. It's a heavy rain, but Castle doesn't comment. He doesn't jokingly complain about his hair, he doesn't say a word. He just tucks the cap and gown under his jacket to shield them and lowers his head.
"Castle," she tries finally. They've been walking in silence the entire time, but now they're walking up the sidewalk to the loft and she just can't wait anymore. She can't make it to his home only to have him turn her away.
She pushes her hair off her face, swiping her eyes quickly. "Castle, wait."
He stops. His hand's already on the door handle and she takes a gamble by stepping between him and the building. After their last conversation she's not sure anything could stop him from telling her to get lost if he wanted, but he hasn't. He's brought her back here. That has to mean something. If things were done, he would've said so as soon as they'd cleared the graduation, but he didn't.
"Beckett, what do you want?" He's gruff; he's trying to hold onto his anger from the night before, but his eyes are tired, defeated. Half of his face is shadowed thanks to the streetlight, but she sees his exhaustion; he didn't sleep last night.
She knows exactly what she wants. She cradles his face between her hands and whispers it all to him.
"You. I just want you. I love you, Castle, I love you," she breathes. "And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Castle." Her lips brush his carefully, hopefully.
He doesn't respond, but he doesn't shove her away, either, so she kisses him again. He catches her hand this time, drawing it away from his face. His hand is warm and the rain has left her cold, her skin clammy. She shivers but he doesn't release her.
"What happened?" he asks, and she knows her answer is the make or break for them, for this relationship. "Beckett, what happened today? Why'd you come to the graduation?"
"Whe- when I said the case was the most important thing… it wasn't. It's not more important. I know that. I, he got away and I didn't care. I almost died and all I could think about was you. Was us. That's what's most important to me. Just you." Moisture hits her lip, some combination of her rain and tears. She's babbling, her words tripping all over each other. She'll say it all over again, every last word, until he believes her.
"I love you," she repeats, sniffing. "I love you, Castle and I'm so sorry."
His hand loosens, fingers caressing her wrists. She takes a breath, bringing her hands up again, fingers touching his lips.
"Cas-"
His mouth covers hers hotly, swallowing the rest of her words. Even her groan is stolen by his lips, by his frantic kiss.
Her back hits the glass door with a dull thud and he hikes her leg over his hips, trying desperately to get closer.
"Say it again," he orders, tugging her lip between his teeth.
"I love you." She kisses him slowly, holding the back of his head, keeping him from retreating from her. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
She's held the words in for so long, now she can't stop them. She pants them into his mouth, against his cheek, into his ear. She sinks into his arms when his mouth touches her neck, whispering over her collarbone.
When he traces his love into the skin above her scar, she breaks. She's more than that now. More than that scar. She pulls him closer, tugging him up to kiss him as sweetly as she can.
"Ellis Island," she whispers as he lifts her other foot off the ground, pulling her impossibly closer.
He lifts confused eyes to hers. They're hazy and love-filled, too, and she can't help but kiss him again.
"Tomorrow. We're going to Ellis Island tomorrow."
She sees the moment the memory strikes him. That day after the summer, another rooftop, her first dose of clarity. The day he tried so hard to take care of her and she couldn't budge more than a little bit because of her fear, her wall.
She's not afraid now. The wall's in a pile at her feet. And she has clarity, true clarity, for the first time in a long time.
She loves him and he loves her. They're going to be alright.
Love splits his face open, and he nods against her hand, mouth turning to kiss her wrist. "Okay, Kate… but we should make it late afternoon, after lunch with Alexis. We're sleeping in."
She grins, tracing his lips with the tip of her finger and then her tongue. Her hair slides through his wet hair, moving it off his forehead.
"Perfect. Now uh, let's go inside, kay?" Her nails tease his scalp gently while the rest of her celebrates in his shudder.
"Insi-? Oh. We are… we're still…"
She nods. "Uh huh. We are still outside your building. And we may or may not be keeping people from getting out."
Castle kisses her again, his tongue sliding between her lips. He puts her down just long enough to open the door and get them to the elevator. She doesn't care to look around to see if anyone's been waiting for them. She loves this man and he knows it now; other people can wait.
When they make it inside his front door, he lifts her up once more, starting a maddeningly slow walk into his bedroom.
They're going to Ellis Island tomorrow. Tonight they're going to bed.
A/N: Whew, I know that was a long one, everyone. I just couldn't split any of this chapter up. Thank you so much to everyone for their kind words on this story. You've been fantastic to me this entire time.
All that's left is the epilogue and then this journey will be complete!