Hello there :] So this chapter took me a while, I wrote and rewrote, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it, but I hope you all enjoy it :]

I don't own Spring Awakening

Ernst's injuries were a long time in healing. It took a good week for the bruises to begin fading and for the pain to let up, however his broken ribs still caused him agony if he moved the wrong way. Since he couldn't leave the house, he spent his days painting, something he began to do again at Hanschen's urging, who was around in the morning, and in the evening, but in the afternoons he usually attended meetings of whatever sort having to do with the party and occasionally work. He was a lawyer, something he told Ernst he would never be. However, his skill for manipulating the system came in handy and he took up practice more as a hobby than as a job. Since his father's own law practice left him with a rather large inheritance, he only took cases occasionally, to challenge himself and give him the chance to prove something. Usually, at the current state however, the meetings were party related, with the exception of today, Hanschen was meeting a new client, a favor to one of the higher party members who needed his brother-in-law bailed out. Ernst often wondered what went through his mind when he left the house, and came home only to kiss him and pull him close deceiving the party yet again—the very thing he had left for.

Everything was so different. They hardly talked now, and when they did it was soft spoken and of little importance. Nothing more had been said about a plan to get Ernst out of Germany, and how or if Hanschen was to go with him. Neither of the men seemed to know how to approach the subject, and so they tip toed around it—until one morning when Ernst sat reading the newspaper and drinking his coffee.

Hanschen came out around quarter of nine, still buttoning his shirt and combing his hair. He walked to the table and sat next to Ernst who lowered the paper in a small sort of trance. Hanschan seemed not to notice, and kissed him. "Morning," he said.

"Good morning Hanschen." He tried to smile. But he couldn't. "I made some eggs, there's a plate for you in the kitchen…if you want it."

"Thank you darling." He smiled sauntered to the kitchen and returned moments later with plate, and sat down once again and began to eat.

Ernst continued scanning his paper. He didn't know why, he wasn't reading anymore, wasn't taking in anymore facts…just watching the black print blur as his eyes became a little moist.

"Anything fascinating in today's paper?" Hanschen said, taking Ernst off guard.

"Huh? Oh… N-no…not particularly…"

Hanschen looked up from his eggs and put down his fork. "Is something the matter Ernst? Darling, you don't look well."

"Everything is fine, honest…" he gave a weak and unconvincing smile. He knew Hanschen wasn't going to drop it…

"Darling, hiding your emotions is hardly one of your strong points. I've known you far too long, I can see right through you. Now, what's on your mind, hmm?"

Ernst realized how dry his mouth was as he tried to speak, but Hanschan took his hand reassuringly. "Just, a friend is in the paper this morning…in the obituaries…" there was silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry Ernst…" Hanschen squeezed his hand "who was it…how did they…?"

"Heinz Müller…he was a member of the organization. The paper says he died of heart failure, but there's no use hiding it… those who knew him know he was young, and in good health. He died by his own hands…He would have died rather than be caught, and the party has been after so many of us for so long… I guess he figured he had done his part…that he couldn't do anymore for the cause that he was better off…" a few tears escaped the brown eyes, he couldn't help but cry over the loss of another friend, especially one so good, so kind, who had helped him when he needed it most.

"Darling, I'm so sorry…" Hanschen pulled him close, and stayed silent for a while until Ernst calmed a bit and pulled away. "He was in the organization? Were you…close?"

Ernst felt something that rarely entered his veins; anger. How could he ask that? How could he be so insensitive, so thoughtless! He had just lost a friend and when finding out Hanschen subtly asked if they had been intimate? Ernst picked up Hanshen's empty plate and walked to the counter to set it in the sink. He closed his eyes and leaned against the counter.

"Ernst…I shouldn't have asked…I'm sorry…I just—"

"How can you sit there and ask something like that? Now? He's the third member to take his life. The third! You don't know what it's like, losing all your friends…again. You left me!" Those last three words echoed. Something so simple, they had failed to discuss. "I never expected to see you again! So if I had found someone…you have no right to judge or expect me to wait around for you. I moved on! It took me a long time Hanschen. I found my place in the world… I made an impact! I helped people believe in God and love, and themselves. I taught them to not to be ashamed. So to answer your question, yes, we were close. He was my friend, just a friend. When I was alone, and had nobody, Heinz was there. He was a good friend, a good person. But I had every right to have a relationship then, I have every right to one now! What if I don't want this anymore? What if you leave again? When did you stop loving me? And what makes you so sure you love me now? I just…I can't…" Ernst was crying harder now, he didn't even know what he was saying he just knew that Hanschen was walking toward him. He closed his eyes, as he felt two strong arms pull him into an embrace. He tried to push Hanschen away, but he gave up and his arms lay limp at his sides. He was still leaning against the counter, but now Hanschen's hands were placed on his waste, and the blue eyes were staring into the brown.

Ernst looked at him. The man he loved, whose face was stained with tears as much as his own. Hanschen spoke after a moment. "You're right. I was wrong. You deserve to be happy, and if you need to leave me, I will not protest. I did leave you. That is perhaps my only regret. But, darling please, please believe me when I say, I never stopped loving you. I loved you when I left. I didn't leave because I didn't love you, I left because I did, and because I became a coward…I was corrupted. But I never stopped loving you. Why would I come to warn you if I didn't? If you cannot be with me, then I will help you leave Germany, and you will never see me again." They both knew that the conversation was no longer about Heinz, or Hanschen's foolish words, it was now about Hanschen and Ernst and the words left unsaid.

"Hanschen…I love you, I have never been with anyone else…I couldn't. I just need you to understand that two years is a long time, we've changed… perhaps we were never meant to last…" Ernst felt as though his heart had fallen into the pit of his stomach, and Hanschen was still holding him.

"No…don't…don't say that!"

"Why not? You know, as well as I do that neither of us expected this to last so long. That first night, in the vineyard we had common sense! We were only supposed to be "in the meantime" until, I found a wife, and you moved away. But none of that happened…it was only us, always us…look at the way things are…we can't go on…it's too dangerous, for me…and for you."

"No, Ernst…we can go, we can leave! We'll be safe… Ernst…" he wiped away a few of the tears with his thumb, and Ernst felt his heart take another plummet. "I will never leave you, unless you wish me to do so. I cannot bear to let you go…I just got you back…I'm so sorry…"

"Hanschen…I-I don't know what to do…or what to say. Oh, god! Why did you have to find me..." Ernst's last words were an afterthought, and not meant to be said out loud, but he had, and he soon realized the impact of his words when he saw the pain on Hanschen's face.

"Ernst, you could have died…who knows what those animals would have done to you!…the things I've heard…what happens to those suspected of 175…if I am grateful, for anything, it is that I found you in time. To see you, like that…"

"Everything wouldn't be so complicated…"

"But I wouldn't have you. Ernst, we've been through a lot…We can get through this, trust me." They're faces were close now, and Ernst could feel Hanschen's breath. He stared up at him. Those blue eyes, blonde hair, flawless complexion, he was an Aryan at first glance; a true German. And he was willing to leave that all behind, for him. Perhaps he could truly forgive him now, everything had been said, and there was no longer a wall between them. And despite what his mind had told him for two years, he still loved Hanschen Rilow, and to let him go now was a painful, dreaded thought. Maybe he was right. Maybe they could go, and be safe, and free, and even if they failed, trying was better than waiting for whatever horror lay behind the corner for their country.

"Hanschen…" Ernst felt his heart rise back to his chest and beat very fast. Hanschen pulled him closer still and very softly kissed him. Ernst decided not let him go. He placed a hand behind his neck and kissed him back, truly, for the first time in two years. Hanschen noticed the difference and pulled back for a moment. A few new tears were glistening in his eyes.

He pulled Hanschen to him and with the intention of continuing kissing him, but Hanschen stopped him and took his hand.

"I love you."

Ernst smiled, "I know." He said. Hanschen smiled too for the first time in a long time. "I love you too Hanschen" they leaned in and kissed again this time more deeply as Hanschen placed his hands again on Ernst's waist, who he wrapped his around Hanschen's neck, pulling him a little closer.

I didn't matter that they were kissing in a kitchen, next to dirty plates and such. Ernst was only thinking about Hanschen hands on his waist, and the feel of his lips against his own. It was the first time since they had been reunited, that it was honest, and that something wasn't creating a wall between them. It was the first time that everything had truly been forgiven. After a while Ernst paused.

"Hansch- mmm- Hanschen?" Ernst was finding it difficult to talk, while Hanschen continued kissing him. He didn't want him to stop but- "What time is your meeting with Faber? You're going to be late! How fast can you get to the prison?" Hanschen was due to meet his new client at 11.

He reluctantly pulled away. "Relax darling…perhaps I won't go. I'll just call the state attorney, the bastards' guilty besides. We should start discussing travel arrangements, and I think today as been rough enough on the both of us. I think it would be a good day to relax. Yes, the more I think about it the more it sounds like a good idea…I think I'd much rather stay in." Ernst tried to give him a strong look of disapproval, but ended up smiling and blushing instead as Hanschen embraced and kissed him again, leading him out of the kitchen.

Thanks for reading! Again, feedback is appreciated, so if you have any questions, comments, reviews, feel free to submit them. Have a lovely day :]