Disclaimer: The characters of N.C.I.S Los Angeles are property of CBS.
A/N: The opening might seem like it would parallel Spoils of War, but I promise I was already writing this chapter before S.O.W. aired.
Hetty looked at Kensi and Deeks trying to get her bearings.
{They're going to hate me for this, but I might as well be out with it and get this over with.} Hetty thought. Kensi and Deeks stared at Hetty waiting for her to say something. Then Hetty took the plunge.
"What do you know about Jack's involvement with the Corps?" Hetty asked.
"He never really told me, and I never asked." Kensi said.
"Jack was Marine Force Recon." Deeks said. Hetty stared at Deeks in shock and Kensi just gasped.
"How did you found that out!? I didn't know what he did." Kensi exclaimed.
"I learned that two days ago after Jon Doe's men save me from being executed. I'm guessing that Assistant Director Granger has some involvement in here somewhere." Deeks said not even looking at Kensi, but staring Hetty down. He knows the tiny ninja is hiding something; why else would she be here then? Kensi realized that Deeks not looking at her wasn't because he didn't care, but because there is something else going on here. So she just calmed down, settled in, and listened to the debrief.
"Yes. Nine years ago Jack was overseas in Afghanistan on a mission for the C.I.A., a pretty nasty one at that. They were sent in to find a war lord and that was committing war crimes. There orders were to capture if possible, execute if necessary. The mission was proceeding flawlessly, but somewhere along the lines it went pear-shaped. After the target had been secured and the unit was making its way back, they stopped to make camp in case there were complications with the extraction. During the night the unit was wiped out and the target escaped. The only body that wasn't found was Jack Murdoch's." Hetty said.
"So what are you saying?" Kensi asked.
"Based on the evidence that the search and rescue team found Jack killed the unit while they were sleeping and took off with the target. Thus committing an act of treason and becoming an enemy of the United States of America. Just one question: was it Grangers idea to start calling Jack the "White Ghost," or was it yours?" Deeks asked.
"Definitely Grangers." Hetty responded quickly.
"What?" Kensi asked.
"Kensi Hetty just admitted to knowing the mission on which Jack went rogue, if not a part of it." Deeks said.
"Is that true Hetty?" Kensi asked with an edge of anger in her voice.
"Yes. It was a joint C.I.A. /N.C.I.S. investigation, though I had no idea that you and Jack were together at the time Kensi. I didn't know of your existence until you join my division." Hetty said.
"Why wasn't I told about this Hetty?" Kensi asked.
"Because it was classified mission, and it was above you pay grade." Deeks said. Kensi shot Deeks a look.
"Don't be mad at Mr. Deeks, Kensi; he speaks the truth. Not only was it a classified mission, but I was under strict orders not to discuss it with anybody other than those who were involved and our director." Hetty said. Kensi started to fume because the life she lived is starting look like a fake, and it was destroying a part of her soul.
"So, what? Everything about my past involving was a lie? That he never cared about me or the love we shared?" Kensi asked with anger coloring her voice. "That the PTSD he was experiencing was a cover as to not involve me?"
"That might very well be possible." Hetty said.
"Not helping your case, Hetty." Kensi said through clenched teeth.
"Kensi look: has Hetty ever flat out lied to you about anything?" Deeks asked. To which Kensi stop and thought about Deeks question and shook her head. "I know you are angry about finding out that your past is tainted by this horrible truth, but Hetty came her to make peace with you; not only that it looks like she wanted to head this off before it got out of hand."
"Sorry Hetty." Kensi said.
"It's alright my dear. You have every right to be angry, but as Mr. Deeks said I came to grant you peace; though I get the feeling it will only cause more anger than peace." Hetty said. To which Deeks snickered at her response.
"My official involvement in the mission was that I pretty much came up with it. My operatives were shadowing the target and watching his every move. When they found a spot where he would likely make camp and be there for a few days, my operatives told me and I had a plan set for when the time came, and contingency plan if it didn't go as planned." Hetty said.
"I'm guessing you didn't have a contingency plan for what went down, but nobody could have anticipated what actually happened." Deeks said.
"As much as I want to say I thought of everything, I didn't see Jack turning on the team and going rogue." Hetty said.
"How did you know of Jack Murdoch?" Kensi asked
"I didn't have say over who was going on the mission, that was the C.I.A.'s call, but I had clearance to see the mission roster." Hetty said. "I caught wind that people were saying that Jack was a "rising star," or at least that's what was going through the rumor mill at the time."
"Hetty, I didn't take you for being the type to believe scuttle butt." Deeks said. That got a shocked look out of both Kensi and Hetty.
"What?" Deeks asked.
"Scuttle butt, really?" Kensi asked.
"I do work for the government, investigating the murder of marine personnel; so yeah I pick up on the lingo." Deeks said. To which Hetty smiled and Kensi shook her head.
"Okay this is all good and fun, but do you want to tell us what you really know." Deeks said.
"The truth of the matter is I knew that Jack was the "White Ghost" when I sent you." Hetty said Both Kensi and Deeks were staring at Hetty with bugged eyes and slack jawed.
{That wasn't the admission I was expecting!} Deeks thought.
"I'll give to you Hetty that was gutsy." Kensi said. Though she was glad that Hetty was being honest and straight up with her, Kensi is angry that Hetty sent her after her ex.
"Did I know the "White Ghost" was Jack yes. But it wasn't until after you contacted me at Christmas time that did I do my "due diligence"." Hetty said.
"Meaning?" Kensi asked.
"I didn't dig into your personal history to see that you two were engaged. After I found out I kept quiet, and said nothing of the search to anybody: to you or the team."
"Why not?! Kensi said with the anger creeping back into her voice. Deeks face contorted with anger at Hetty's admission.
"It was none of my business to divulge you past, and it was a personal matter that you needed to sort yourself." Hetty responded.
"So what, you sent her to Afghanistan as what: punishment?" Deeks asked growling.
"Punishment? No, but you two were getting to close for comfort." Hetty said
"I'm sorry." Kensi asked with a shock look on her face.
"Come again." Deeks asked not believing what just came out of the woman's mouth.
"I've got the chain of command breathing down my neck because of your theatrics." Hetty said. Kensi and Deeks were about to protest, but Hetty cut them off. "Granger has already made a formal complaint about your "closeness", to which I was short of telling to shove it, but sooner or later other people will take notice of your actions. I know there are people better suited as a sniper, but sending Kensi to Afghanistan seemed like a good idea to keep the brass off the three of us until the dust settles."
"We appreciate the consideration, but we would have liked it if we could have said good bye at least." Deeks said with Kensi nodding her being in agreement with Deeks.
"That was the lovely Assistant Director's idea, not mine." Hetty said.
"Wait go back, how did you Jack was the "White Ghost". I believe you left that part out." Deeks said.
"Yes the day the team was chasing the Ghurka, Granger gave me permission to look at a classified dossier with his name and photo in it." Hetty responded.
"Let me guess: it was a classified document so we weren't allowed to look at it?" Kensi asked.
"Pretty much." Hetty said.
"This day just keeps getting better and better." Deeks said.
"Okay Hetty if sending me to Afghanistan was a smoke screen, why are we still partners then?" Kensi asked. To which Deeks just gave Kensi the look of death.
"If I didn't think that it was possible for you and Deeks to work as partners and balance your personal lives, even romantically, I would have sent him back to L.A.P.D. and got you a part from within the agency. But with Mr. Deeks skills, and a little training, it seemed like a better idea to keep him on. Speaking of training, Mr. Deeks seeing as how you will be a full-time member after the mission with Jon Doe; I'll set up the appropriate course at Camp Pendleton to get you up to speed." Hetty said.
"Thank you Hetty." Deeks smiled gratefully.
"Full-time. Did I miss something?" Kensi asked with a questioning glance on her face.
Hetty nodded at Deeks, and Deeks just clear his throat. When Kensi looked at Deeks she saw his badge in his hand, but it wasn't his L.A.P.D. badge, it was his N.C.I.S. badge.
"I'm sorry did I miss something? When did this come about?" Kensi exclaimed unsure of what she just saw.
"I got the application before Hetty went to Prague; and I signed the application before Nell and I went to save you. I got the SUV, my badge and gun the morning you were released from the hospital." Deeks said.
"This conversation isn't over!" Kensi said unable to keep the excitement out of her voice because Deeks was now her partner full-time.
"I'm sorry for breaking your trust, but the way things played out it was for the better." Hetty said knowing that words would not be enough.
"Apology accepted." Deeks said.
"Forgiven." Kensi said.
Though they forgave Hetty her transgression, there were still hard feelings.
{And I would be fooling myself to believe otherwise.} Hetty thought seeing the look in her young agents' eyes.
"I have nothing else to add. Any question before I leave?" Hetty asked.
"No." Deeks said.
"Ditto." Kensi said.
"With that I take my leave. Stay safe." Hetty said.
"We will." Kensi said.
"Same to you too Hetty." Deeks said. To which Hetty waved good bye and walk to the door followed by Deeks who opened the door for her and shut it behind her. When Deeks turned back around Kensi was standing there. All she did was punch him in the arm.
"OW! What was that for?" He asked.
"For not telling me that you became an agent yourself." Kensi said with a smirk plastered across her face.
"Not like I had much time to tell you. All day yesterday it slipped my mind, and then I knew there was going to be an argument this morning: about our relationship, our partnership. I'm still kind of off balance, and afraid of the conversation." Deeks said.
"It can't be that bad." Kensi said.
"Why can't it be that bad Kensi? I spent the past 20 plus years trying to put it behind me and bury it deep in my soul. But somehow it won't stay buried." Deeks said as he walked away and into the living room and collapse on the couch. Monty ran over and put his head under Deeks hand, wanting to comfort his master. Deeks petted Monty and scratched him behind his ear. Kensi stood, as her heart just about broke into a million pieces, and watch the scene from the foyer. When Monty was satisfied Kensi approached her lover, and her "fur child," and sat down on the couch laying Deeks head in her lap. They just sat/laid on the couch for the better part of an hour before Kensi spoke.
"I know this is hard for you Deeks, my heart breaks knowing that you have to retell the tale after living through it once already, but we have to discuss this or it will always be a point of contention for us." Kensi said. With that Deeks just stared at her sideways, literally, wondering how in the world she gets off saying that.
"Both of our family lives were horrible, but thanks to that case after Granger's arrival and the case involving Astrid you already know my family history, but your family history is still shrouded in darkness of your brain. I know you fear becoming what you escaped, but if we face it together you will be stronger for. And you will be a better and wonderful man for it." Kensi said. After she finished talking Kensi looked down and saw that Deeks was crying again, on the verge of sobbing.
"Deeks sit up!" Kensi said excitedly. She wanted to comfort Deeks, but not when his head is in her lap. So Deeks sat up and they hugged each other. Deeks cried for a half hour before he was comfortable enough to tell the tale about his abusive family life growing up as a child.
"My parents met when they were in their teens. They were "high school sweet hearts" my dad would say all the time." Deeks said. Kensi notice when he said the "sweetheart" Deeks shuttered, probably because of the violence. Kensi noticed that all emotion, flirty, and playfulness had made an exit out the back door because all she sees in his eyes is Max. Deeks had turned into Max Gentry, his most hated alias. But she urged Deeks to continue.
"I think one of father's friends might have been a musician, I remember her mention that they used to listen to his buddy play the guitar and everybody would make out and have fun. Then 10 years later they are out of high school and half through college when my mom got pregnant with me." Deeks said.
"How did they finish college?" Kensi asked
"My father was taking up a skill trade; somehow the college got him a job working part-time while still being able to go to school. So by the time I was born my mom decided to drop out of college to take care of me and my dad finished his degree and got a full-time job at the shop he was working at." Deeks said, and then stop his train of thought and start to cry a little.
"Deeks, there's nothing to be ashamed of; I don't think your any less of man for shedding the tears while-"
I'm not crying because I'm ashamed Kensi!" Deeks exclaimed cutting Kensi. Kensi stiffen at his outburst. "Sorry."
"Don't be. I shouldn't have assumed you were crying out of shame, please continue." Kensi said.
"You seem a just little too excited." Deeks said teasing Kensi. Kensi thought for a little bit and then swatted Deeks arm. "I was crying because I realized why my father hated me so, but first he started taking it out on my mother."
"Why did he hate you and beat your mother?" Kensi asked
"Because "There ain't a man in the Brandel family that plays a musical instrument," were the words I heard my father say to my mother when I came home from school one day; followed by my father punching my mother in the face, giving her a black eye." Deeks said.
"How does that explain that he hates you?" Kensi asked. Deeks did face palmed, and then continued.
"I was hoping I could get away with omitting the fact that Gordon called his ten year old son a queer." Deeks said and then his eyes started to dig holes into the ground from his intense staring. Kensi gasped and had a horrified look on her face, and then Kensi broke down into tears. Deeks hugged Kensi to himself and lay back with her on top of him, while shedding tears of his own. Kensi didn't live the life Deeks had, but the demons he hid made her feel empty inside. She understood the mask and the humor was a way for Deeks to cope with tough situations, but she never realized how dark his life had been. When Kensi finally stopped crying, they sat back up and held each other for a little while longer.
"I'm sor-"
Deeks cut Kensi off by kissing her with such fierce passion she knew what he was saying without speaking the words {No apology is necessary.}.
"Shall I continue, or was that too much mental trauma for one day?" Deeks asked.
"Might as well continue, the quicker this is over the better." Kensi said.
"Well after the day I heard that I noticed that my dad was beating on my mother a lot more. I also started to notice a lot of alcohol bottles lying around the house. Then it was about a month after that confession, my father had been drinking. He was piss drunk and he was on a rampage, beating my mother. Well one of his punches knocked her out; it took him about a half hour before he realized that she was unconscious. He was still mad and still had steam to blow off. Then he spotted me; and he got a dark look in his eyes. I turn and ran for my bedroom, but he got to me before I got there and started to beat on me like he did my mother. Then next morning, after I was awake and conscious I found out that I was in the hospital. My father told the medical staff that I was in a fight and this is how he found me." Deeks said, to which Kensi gasped. There was a pause in the story telling; Deeks wanted to make sure Kensi was okay before he continued. When she nodded that she was good Deeks continued.
"The beatings went on for a year before I lost control. On my eleventh birthday Ray gave me a gun because both of us had abusive fathers; where Ray's father never beat him and his mother, he still knew that if I didn't have that gun he would be reading about my mother and me in the newspaper. So one night, after a particular brutal beating, my father had been drinking again. So after he started to beat on my mother again I ran to get my gun. When I came back I saw that my father was wielding a shotgun. He turned and look at me and said "Marty I hate you." With as much hatred and malice dripping from his voice I thought he was the devil incarnate, and then he fired the shotgun at me. The shot was wild because of his heavily drinking. Just as he was aiming to take the next shot, I lifted the gun that Ray gave me and returned fire." Deeks said. Kensi just stared in horror after Deeks mention that he shot his father.
"I never knew that you shot your father." Kensi said.
"Well if I didn't my mother wouldn't have lived through the night. And I most likely would be dead to. After my father went to prison, my mother changed; then two years later it got worse. I never realized what happen until later, but two years after my father went to prison my mother gave up living. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but somehow I made it through junior high, and high school, but once I start in college my mother abandoned me. I came how for the weekend to visit and the house was empty. All the furniture was gone, the food, and the all of the equipment that the family had bought over time; all of it was gone." Deeks said.
"Why did she leave?" Kensi asked.
"Well after serving two years of a four year prison sentence, my father was paroled. He was working multiple jobs, and then two years after he was paroled, as he was on his way to see his parole officer, he was killed in a car accident.' Deeks said.
"So you managed to graduate elementary, junior high school, and high school without the help of you mother because you father was killed?" Kensi asked.
"I never knew he was killed until I was shot." Deeks said.
"The time I was hunted down because of that mother and child who had disappeared?" Kensi asked with a shocked look on her face.
"Yeah, Hetty came to visit me after the case was closed in the hospital and told me that he was killed in ninety-eight." Deeks said
"Do you know what happened to your mother?" Kensi asked.
"I didn't have the legal authority, until I became a lawyer. I made a few friends and asked them to track her. I tracked for a few years, and then she changed her name and dropped off the face of the earth. Her electronic footprint disappeared after her name change, so I lost track of her two years after becoming a lawyer." Deeks said. Deeks had looked away when he said that he lost track of his mother to hide the tears that were threatening to pour forth like Niagara Falls. Deeks doesn't hate his mother for abandoning, but it hurt. Deeks felt like his beating heart had been ripped out of his chest and he had been left to die. He never got over his mother leaving him, when he needed her most. Deeks didn't needed her help financially, but he could have used her moral support.
"Deeks." Kensi said bring him back to the here and now.
"Yeah Kens." Deeks said.
"I have to ask, how did you come up with your last name?" She asked
"Family name, on my mother's side." He said.
"How far back?" She asked
"Great, great grandfather, I think." Deeks said.
Kensi thought on all that Deeks had said. The beginning of when his parents were happy, they when Deeks came along. And then the fallout: the beatings, and the shootings; then Deeks moving on to graduate school, college, law school. Then after practicing law for a time, Deeks became a cop. Ironically he became an undercover detective. Then he found his way into my life; and I'm glad he did.
"How do you do it Deeks?" Kensi asked.
"Do what?" Deeks asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"How did you survive the beatings, the rejection and abandonment of you mother, even Sidorov; how did you survive to this point without losing yourself." Kensi asked with tears brimming in her eyes. Deeks thought long and hard, but decided that since they were being open with each other he figured to heck with.
"I'd be lying if I said that it was easy. That it was always fun and games. I remember some of earlier cases and even after joining up with you guys that left me feeling empty inside. Some days I just wanted to die. Put my gun in my mouth and pull the trigger." Deeks said. Kensi stared at Deeks in absolute horror. She never realized that her happy go lucky partner wanted to die, even while working at N.C.I.S.; she never saw the sign. She wonders if Hetty saw any of the warning signs.
"I'm sorry Deeks. I should have seen the warning signs." Kensi said almost crying again.
"You couldn't have known Kensi. I get paid to lie for a living. I where multiple masks show that I'm not a security risk and get sidelined until I'm "up to department standards;" heck even the L.A.P.D. psychologist missed the signs. What makes you think you could have pick up what they have missed. I spent the better part of a decade lying and hiding who I was, and am that of course you wouldn't have seen the signs." Deeks said. "I never reached out to anybody because I was still getting used to working with a team of people that actually cared about each other."
Kensi thought long and hard about what she would say next, but something else came to mind. She was satisfied that she heard the truth from Deeks, Kensi decided that she would take Deeks up on his offer.
"I think we have said enough, and shed enough tears for one day, how about we switch gears and do something a little more fun and uplifting." Kensi said.
"What do you have in mind?" Deeks asked.
"I want a private session." Kensi said.
"So it's that kind of party!" Deeks said with a cheeky grin.
"Easy there killer; I meant with playing the violin type "private session," understand?" Kensi asked.
Yes. Yes I do." Deeks said with that grin still on his face. Kensi just shook her head. Deeks got up off the couch and went upstairs to get his violin and folder. When he came back down stairs he saw Kensi on the couch drinking coffee.
{Forgot about the coffee.} Deeks thought. {I'll just have to get a drink later.}
Deeks pulled three pieces of sheet music out of the folder, and set it out on the table, but ignored them for the time being. Deeks raised the violin and put the bow to the strings and began to play. He played a few songs that he played at the diner. Then he moved on to a few classical pieces. Then he just got lost and started to drift from song to song. After an hour of playing random songs, Deeks decided it was time to pull all the stops out for the finale. He stopped playing long enough to arrange the music sheets and reset. Kensi looked at Deeks with a question glance and then Deeks spoke.
"And for my final piece." Deeks said.
"What? I was enjoying myself." Kensi said pouting. Deeks smiled and reset his violin and bow, then he closed his eyes. When Deeks started to play the first few notes of the song Kensi went stiff as a board and strained to understand the song. Then Kensi realized what song he was playing and started to squeal with glee. Though Deeks eyes were closed he could imagine Kensi all giddy with joy, he even heard her squeal, as he was playing My Heart will Go On from Titanic, her favorite movie. The entire time he was playing this song both Kensi and Deeks felt the passion begin to rise inside them. An unimaginable force was drawing the together, but the both waited. It was going to amazing, but the fought it. Fought it until Deeks finished playing; it was then that Kensi looked at the clock. It was ten o'clock at night. The time had flown, and it was getting late. Once Deeks finished playing Kensi got up and made her way over to him, wearing the biggest smile Deeks had ever seen. Deeks put the violin back in the case, closing it, and stood up. Kensi hugged Deeks, and then kissed him. After they had kissed Kensi backed away and said.
"Thank you for the private session. Why don't we head up stairs and see if I can't return the favor for you performance?" Kensi asked with a coy smile. Deeks kissed Kensi and the grabbed her hand and led the way to the bedroom. Upon shutting the bedroom door, the force that was pulling them together was no longer being fought by the couple. As if drawn together by magnetism, they start making out as they started to undress each other. The passion that was felt earlier and yesterday had returned in full force, and it had reached its boiling point. Their passion was like a raging inferno, rising up inside them and consuming every inch of the being. After they had undressed each other, Deeks had pick Kensi up in his arms, bridal-style, and walked over to the bed. Upon laying Kensi on the bed Deeks reach in the nightstand and pulled out protection.
"Did you know something was going to happen before I did?" Kensi asked coyly.
"Better to have and not need it, than to not have it and need it." Deeks said with a cheeky grin. Deeks stared and Kensi and asked a question his eyes, and Kensi nodded back. Deeks put on the condom and look at Kensi.
"Deeks." Kensi said. She had to tell Deeks something important and she made she had his attention before proceeding. He tilted his head sideways acknowledging her need to express her feeling. "This is my heart; it's yours, I love you." Deeks smiled back and replied in kind.
"And this is my heart; it's yours, I love you too." Deeks said.
With the "I love you's" being said, Kensi and Deeks made love with more passion, and vigor then they did four months ago. They made love well into the night, forgetting all the pain and tears that had been shed hours earlier.
T.B.C