Trans Pacifica
Chapter 10
And finally, the following Monday evening . . .
Mabel clicked off the overhead light in the Mystery Shack parlor and said, "Annnd roll it!" She pressed the "play" button before jumping on the sofa next to Dipper, stretching out a hand and urging, "Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee!"
Dipper held the big bowl of popcorn toward her, and she shoveled handfuls into her mouth, crunching madly. Wendy warned, "Whoa, Mabes, don't choke yourself."
"She always eats like this," Dipper said.
Spraying fragments of popcorn, Mabel said, "Shhh! It's starting!"
The TV showed color bars, then to the tune of Mabel's recorded humming, a series of title cards done in gorgeous rainbow hues with markers:
"Mabel's Guide to Identity Theft"
A Video by Mabel Pines
Starring Mabel Pines and Guests
Conceived by Mabel Pines
Produced by Mabel Pines
Directed by Mabel Pines
Makeup by Mabel Pines
Hair by Crowning Miracle Hair Products, Inc.
Sound and video by my brother
"Catchy tune," Dipper said. "Hey, isn't that—"
"The theme song for that cartoon show about us from the bizarro comic-book con dimension. That's my favorite part. Look, there she is! Shh!"
And they watched the video production as it unfolded before them in all its poorly-edited, jerky hand-held camera, and only occasionally-focused splendor.
Scene 1
(Pacifica, in a purple top, stands in front of a wall in the Mystery Shack Museum. A dozen blown-up photos of Oregon Monkey Spiders are thumbtacked to the wall behind her. She is twitchy and looks nervous.)
MABEL (Off-camera V/O): Welcome, videoland friends, to another guide to life by me, your hostess and guru, the very beautiful and talented Mabel Pines! Yes, I'm the gal who brought you "Mabel's Guide to Cooking Pine Cones," "Mabel's Guide to Healing Squirrel Bites," and "Mabel's Guide to What to Do When It Isn't a Possum in the Closet!" In this episode, we are going to consider a pressing problem in today's world: Identity Theft and What to Do About It. My first guest is the very beautiful and talented Pacifica Northwest!
[PACIFICA fidgets, her eyes shifting left and right as the camera blurs and goes back into focus, blurs again and finally steadies]
PACIFICA: So, uh, is this like an apology thing I'm supposed to give you? Or the punishment you mentioned? Uh, what are you gonna make me do?
MABEL: (Chuckling) Nothing, Pacifica! I'm just gonna interview you! Just relax and be yourself and you'll do fine. Now, tell our vast audience: How do you feel about identity theft?
PACIFICA: (Visibly blushing) Uh, really, yeah. It's, it's, yeah. I'm, uh—Mabel, I'm very, very sorry about what I did. I've just had such a bummer of a year from last August up to this summer, you know? I—I guess my head wasn't in a very good place, and yes, I did some incredibly stupid and—and hurtful things. I am so sorry. I won't ever do it again. I promise.
MABEL: For the benefit of our viewers who may at this very moment be going "Say wha-a-a-a-a?", Pacifica Northwest and the beautiful and talented Mabel Pines actually swapped identities. Literally! But that wasn't theft, it was more just one of those friendly off-the-wall Mabel things, you know? Boop-boop! Now, Pacifica, I'm wondering: Has your home life improved since we did that?
PACIFICA: (Shy surprised smile) Uh, you know, actually it has? My father insists that I call him Dad now. And my mother has cut way back on—(mimes drinking out of a bottle). Dad keeps thanking me for my ideas and keeps going on about focus groups and how they're crazy about the new product lines he's developing. So I guess, yeah, overall, things at home are better than they've been in a long time.
MABEL: Well, isn't that special! Congratulations to you and your beautiful and talented Dad and Mom! And, Pacifica, were all those ideas for Northwest Mud Flaps, Incorporated's new products really yours?
PACIFICA: Well, uh, yeah, I guess. In a way. Uh, sort of. I mean it was really you coming up with them, but you were in my body at the time, so as far as my folks know—
MABEL: So some good can come from honest identity exchange, sometimes! But are those times of honest exchange rare? What about other occasions when the identity exchange isn't for fun but is a matter of—DAH-DUM! —identity theft? We'll see in the next segment. (Long pause as Pacifica nervously shifts from foot to foot, hugging her arms and looking unhappy) Cut, Dipper!
DIPPER (V/O): You said you'd tell me!
MABEL: I just did!
(Rapid fade to black)
Scene 2
(Fade in on Wendy Corduroy, standing outdoors with Gravity Falls Falls falling in the far background. She wears one of her trademark flannel shirts, this one a red-and-black plaid, but she's taken off the lumberjack hat. The breeze makes her long red hair, looking unusually touchable and gleaming in the sunlight, wave a little)
MABEL (V/O, over the distant roar of the falls): Now, our second guest is the beautiful and talented Wendy Corduroy, perhaps the coolest girl on the planet.
DIPPER (Off-mike, V/O): Oh, yeah!
WENDY: (Laughing) Shut UP, man!
MABEL: Now, Wendy, you were also a victim of identity theft, correct?
WENDY: Oh, yeah. Big time. Got handcuffed and everything! Tossed in a closet! Had to put peanut butter in my hair!
MABEL: Tell us about it.
WENDY: (Rolling her eyes) Well, it started 'cuz Pacifica has like a crucial crush on your brother, and HE has a crush on me—
DIPPER (Off-mike, V/O): Tut-tut-tut-tut-tut!
WENDY: I didn't say I don't like it, Dip! I'm super flattered, and I'll tell the world Dipper Pines is like my best buddy ever. But anyways, where was I? OK, Dip and I are like tight best friends, you know? So we're not exactly goin' together, but talk about BFFs, that's us right now—well, so Pacifica thought she'd see if she could shake up my friendship with Dipper so maybe she could have a shot at him, I guess?
MABEL: That is a concise and clear analysis, Wendy Corduroy! But you short-circuited her attempt to put a boulder on the railroad track of your rowboat to love!
DIPPER: (Off-mike, V/O) Not one word of that makes any sense!
MABEL: Shush, camera operator. Wendy, explain what you did.
WENDY: Well, Pacifica tricked me and put my mind in your body, which is what her mind was in at the time, and she put her mind in my body and went lookin' for Dipper, but before she found him, Dipper allowed me to put my mind into his body, while he took over Pacifica's body—
DIPPER: (Hurriedly, off-mike V/O) Oops, low battery.
(Immediate crash-fade to black)
Scene 2.5
(Picture returns, shot from a strangely unsteady low angle maybe eighteen inches off the ground)
MABEL: Welcome back, faithful viewers! Because of a sudden illness, our camera operator has been replaced by the beautiful and talented Waddles Pines!
DIPPER (Off-mike, V/O): Why didn't I get a "beautiful and talented"?
MABEL: Shush! You're sick! Now, Wendy, continue your fascinating story.
WENDY: (The low camera angle cuts off her head) Well, as Dipper, I met with Pacifica as me, and although I was pretty mad at first it turned out she really needed to talk some things over, and eventually I calmed down and we hashed it all out and came to an understanding. She knows I'm not gonna marry Dipper in the next couple years anyway, and in the meantime she's not gonna try to bust up our friendship. We're cool now.
MABEL: And whose idea was your taking over Dipper's body?
WENDY: Yours. And, well, Dipper's.
MABEL: Cut, Waddles!
(The picture suddenly becomes a careening panorama of the landscape, seen from near ground level, ending when Waddles finds half a Billy Bonky Choco Wocko candy bar some kid dropped in the parking lot of the scenic overlook. Fade to black under happy, gobbling, grunty noises)
Scene 3
(Picture abruptly returns. Now Pacifica is standing where Wendy stood, with the waterfall in the far background. Mabel is on camera beside her, holding a microphone.)
MABEL: Annnd we're back for the wrap-up. Dipper Pines has—
DIPPER: (Off-mike, V/O): Ahem!
MABEL: (Rolling her eyes) The beautiful and talented Dipper Pines—
DIPPER: (Off-mike, V/O) Thank you.
PACIFICA: (Rolling her eyes, too) Oh, puh-lease!
MABEL: —has made a miraculous recovery, and we welcome him back to our production staff. Now that we've heard Wendy's story, Pacifica, how do you feel about the whole adventure?
PACIFICA: (Smiling) Well, I'm glad those spidery things didn't, like devour me. And that Wendy's OK, and nobody got hurt.
DIPPER: (Off-mike, V/O) Blisters!
MABEL: Nobody got badly hurt. Go on, Pacifica.
PACIFICA: Well, lastly, I'm really happy that nobody seems very mad at me. I'm relieved, I guess. I did something really dumb and mean, and . . . and I don't want to be the kind of person who does things like that anymore. (More softly, her eyes glistening a little) Really, I—I don't. I-I'd like to thank my—my friends for forgiving me and giving me another chance.
MABEL: That's big of you, Pacifica. You are incredibly welcome! Oh, and incidentally, you know, when Dipper's mind was in your body—
PACIFICA: (Smiling, anticipating) Yes?
MABEL: He took a long bubble bath and then stared at himself in your body as he posed in front of a mirror and took selfies for about an hour. And he was in the nude! Stark naked!
(Crash zoom on Pacifica's face as her expression goes from surprised to shocked to utterly horrified)
MABEL (V/O) Dun-dun-DUNNNN!
(End credits roll)
Wendy and Dipper doubled over with laughter as the video ended, Dipper actually tumbling off the sofa in the Mystery Shack parlor, scattering popcorn everywhere, while Wendy clutched a cushion to her stomach and wiped tears from her eyes.
Mabel, donning a beret and dark sunglasses, jumped up, clicked the light back on, held out her arms, took a deep bow, and said, "Another award-winning production from Mabelwood Studios!"
When she could finally get her breath, Wendy gasped, "You—you did tell her that was all a great big fib at the end, right? About Dipper taking a bubble bath and posing in front of a mirror and all?"
"Well, yeah, I did. Eventually," said Mabel, with a wicked grin.
Wendy helped Dipper get up from the floor and hugged him. "Hey, Dip, man, I'm so proud of you for resisting the temptation to actually do something like that. My brothers would've dropped those clothes so fast! And I don't even like to think of what Robbie would have done!"
"Ohhh, I was a little tempted," Dipper told Wendy as he sat beside her on the couch again. "But thinking it over, it seemed like such a mean thing to do to a girl. It was sort of like something Pacifica might possibly have done at the beginning of last summer if she'd had the chance, maybe, but you know, not great-uncle Ford or even Stan. Or Mabel. Or especially you, Wendy."
She shrugged, a Mona Lisa smile curving her lips. "Hmm. I dunno, Dip. I might've done something like that, something to humiliate her. I really was pretty mad at her there for a while. But talkin' with her and realizing how lonely she's been—you know, before we had that chat, I never really stopped to think of what it might feel like to be an only child. I've always had brothers around, and half the time I love 'em to death and the other half the time they're like drivin' me crazy. But, man, being an only kid, it must get to you sometimes. Dipper, you do know that Lee's little brother didn't live, don't you?"
"Huh?" Dipper thought of the long-haired, goofy, fun-loving blond teenaged boy who was part of Wendy's gang of friends. In a shaky voice, he said, "No, I didn't know that."
"Yeah, it's sad," Wendy said softly. "Happened years ago. When Lee was about three or four, his mom was pregnant, and it was a boy. Lee was so excited because he was gonna be a big brother. Even picked out all his old toys he was gonna give his little brother when he arrived, thought up stuff he could teach him to do. But then somethin' went really wrong and his mom lost the baby just over halfway through. And it turned out she couldn't ever have another one."
"Aww," Mabel said softly.
Wendy nudged Dipper. "You know, Dip, Lee never talks about it and I know he wouldn't tell you this, but he likes goofin' around with you 'cause you're like the little brother he always wanted. And he's actually a better guy when you're around, doesn't get into half the trouble he does when it's just Nate. Yeah, I think kids with no brothers or sisters have it a lot rougher than the rest of us ever know."
Mabel reached out and took Dipper's hand. "I'm glad we have each other," she said quietly.
"Me, too," Dipper replied, squeezing.
"Aw, you guys are gonna make me cry in a minute," Wendy said. "OK, Mabel, fantastic video, and definitely award-worthy, buuuuuut . . .I'd keep it on the private shelf. I mean, I especially wouldn't show it to people around here, y'know? 'Cuz you don't want to really hurt Pacifica's feelings, right?"
"Well, yeah, right," Mabel said. "So I won't release this to the general public. But it was a way to give her a little grief for what she did."
"No harm, no foul," Wendy told her. "'Sides, now she knows Dipper didn't see her naked."
"Yup."
Wendy's smile broadened, and she giggled a little. "Unlike me seein' Dipper naked, 'cuz I totally did."
"Oh, stop it," Dipper said. "You were just changing clothes, that's all."
"You seem pretty unusually cool about that, brobro," Mabel said.
"Well, it is a little bit embarrassing," Dipper confessed. He added hopefully, "But Wendy isn't gonna tease me or make me feel bad about it—uh, are you?"
"No, never," Wendy said solemnly. Then in a flirty tone, she added, "'Cuz, dude, I totally liked what I saw." She waggled her eyebrows.
Dipper laughed and shrugged. "Hey, I'm beautiful and talented, what can I say? Well-p, this has been fun, but now I gotta go finish filling out the details about the Oregon monkey spiders in my Journal. See you guys tomorrow."
He was in the doorway when Wendy called admiringly, "Hey, Dipper! You took that real well, man. You're actually getting to be one cool dude."
He grinned, turned to her, formed pistols with his thumbs and forefingers, and clicked his tongue as he pointed at her.
He went upstairs, not hurrying. Closed the attic bedroom door. Kicked off his shoes. Lay on his bed. Sighed deeply. Covered his face with his pillow. Pushed it tight
And with muffled voice, he yelled "AUGGGGH! NOOO! NOOOO! SHE SAW ME NAKED! AUGGGHHH NOOOO!" for at least ten solid minutes.
The End
Author's note: Man, do I love Gravity Falls! I'd love to write a story a week—but, dudes, school has started again, so I'll have to be a slacker for a few months. Maybe I can manage a story every month or six weeks? Will you watch for them?
Anyhow, great thanks to all of you for reading my stuff so far, and very special thanks to everyone who was kind enough to offer reviews, and to one writer in particular who gave me great encouragement and constructive criticism. I've already learned a lot about writing from you guys and girls, and I hope I'm improving. And of course, deepest gratitude to Alex Hirsch for his talent and for creating a show that can make us laugh and make us cry and make us know what it feels like to be twelve again.
Oh, and I really enjoy reading your fiction, too—hey, keep writing, all!
So, I'll be checking in and from time to time I'll post a little something. Just maybe not next week. See you around, and I'll try not to leave you hangin'.