Chapter 9- The Point of No Return
The low red gleam of light was the only brightness in her room. She watched it steadily without blinking, waiting for the moment that it happened. She struggled as her eyelid twitched begging to just swipe quickly over her eye ending the torture, but the blonde only opened her eyes wider. She bit her cheek when the stinging increased but left her eyes focused on the steady red light next to her bed. She didn't want to miss it. The clock on the table radiated a barely blinking 3:59 into Brittany's face before switching to 4:00 within a split second. She finally clasped her eyes shut, and relished in the moment where her pain subsided. She wanted to smile, to declare victory against the sandman, to get up and hide her favorite stuffies just in case he decided to take revenge; but instead she kept her eyes clamped shut and struggled to take a deep breath.
Breathing had been more difficult than usual the past two days. She felt like she couldn't get enough air to do all the things her body was trying to do, nor handle the amount of thoughts coursing through her head every second. Every time she tried to sleep, or close her eyes, all she saw was a teary latina sitting in front of her, the sun rising behind her. The way the sun bounced off her coal dark hair and how her tanned face almost seemed to glow, the tear streams looking like glass waterfalls down her cheeks.
She stared hard at the image that her brain had produced on the back of her eyes, she felt her chest rising and falling uncontrollably as she took in the woman before her. She looked at her eyes and the tears that were threatening to fall, and she looked at the puff of her lips and the slight tremble she couldn't hide. Brittany looked at the image she created until her body shook and she felt her own tear force it's way out of her clamped eyelids. Knowing she couldn't handle it anymore she opened her eyes, the image disappearing and replaced by the darkness of her room.
The blonde quickly pulled herself out of bed without even wiping at the tear streaks down her face. She hadn't slept in two days, three if you count the night she went with Santana to the look out point, and it was starting to get to her. Her chest felt like it was filled with acetone and her body was trying to absorb it, the burning almost being too much to handle. She clutched her chest before making her way to the window in the front of her room, sitting on the small protrusion full of pillows and stuffed animals. She curled up and gazed out at brightness of the moon and the shadows that danced on the pavement because of the movement of the trees.
Kiss me
The words played around in Brittany's head as the tears fell again down her cheeks following the same path of the tears before them. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth but didn't dare close her eyes, the image of the latina becoming too hard to handle.
Brittany had never felt anything for anyone. Well, unless you count the love she felt for her mother, or the love she felt for Lord Tubbington. Both were two different types of love. She loved her mom in every way that a daughter should love their mother: in a grateful, safe, admiration sort of way. And with Lord T, she loved him in all the ways a mother would love their kid: with a great sense of pride, protection and responsibility. She had a few friends here and there that she loved spending time with, and loved getting to know but nothing that passed into a similar feeling of love. Then there was Maddison. But Brittany wasn't really sure which category she fit in either. Her eyes produced more tears at the memory, buts she was quick to wipe them away in protest.
She didn't know where the latina fit in either. The way her body reacted to a simple thought of the girl, was enough to mesmerize the blonde. It was as if her body loved to burn with fire and spark with electricity anytime Santana was close to her, or speaking to her. In fact she was pretty sure the girl could just look at her and she would feel some sort of buzzing somewhere.
Being scared of what it all meant wasn't what upset the blonde. She never really worried about thing's like that, or what her feelings meant. She just accepted them for what they were. Even if she wasn't entirely sure herself what it all meant. She didn't question why, when the brunette spoke those two words the other morning she felt as if her heart stopped, and the air was kicked out of her chest. Nor could she explain the way her fingers and lips seemed to tingle.
Or the fact that she actually wanted to do it.
That thought didn't upset her either. In fact, she was excited to have that feeling. Excited to want to brush her lips against the pouty ones that always captivated her stares. Excited to know what it felt like to kiss her; to finally realize that all those confusing feelings for the past few weeks meant something. To act on them, by kissing her.
But she didn't.
She felt her eyes water again at the memory as she clutched a random white stuffie from the pile beneath her.
None of this was fair. Not to Brittany, who had never felt anything close to desire at wanting to kiss someone since she was diagnosed; and certainly not to Santana, who had no idea why the blonde responded the way she did to her comment. The funny thing about moment's like those is that one second everyone is floating like a feather, wrapped up in their own feelings. Soaring nervously in the wind, unsure of what's going to happen next. Then out of nowhere the feather is crashing down, by what exactly... it doesn't really matter. In this case it was by Brittany's lack of response and in that second, in a desperate attempt at freeing oneself, the feather get's torn and who know's if it's ever fixable.
Brittany was absolutely positive she had heard the girl wrong. Kiss Me? She would be lying if she said that the first thought to enter her mind wasn't to lean down and capture the puffy lips that seemed to extend further than normal, soaking up the warmth of the flesh that would slide in her mouth. But a million other thing's also seemed to crash into one another and shove that thought to the back of her head. She felt tears prick at her eyes and she traced small circles on the top of the latina's hand which was still clasped in her own.
She could be selfish. Without a doubt Brittany knew she could be selfish and give the girl what she wanted. What they both wanted. Her body grew hotter if that was even possible, at the thought of kissing the brunette. Somehow, during the last few weeks she had never once thought of kissing the girl. She had instead thought of holding her, and letting their bodies melt into the other as she desperately ached for that feeling since she first hugged the brunette. Now though, she had trouble thinking clearly without hearing two words every two seconds.
But she couldn't do this. She couldn't be selfish. It wasn't fair to Santana, she told herself repeatedly as if she was trying to convince herself. Though she couldn't help but feel that not following the latina's request wasn't really fair to herself either.
Santana hated hospitals. She hated sick. Brittany felt her eyes fill with tears when she knew what it all meant. She couldn't kiss her. She couldn't bring her into the drama that was her life. She practically spent half her time in the hospital or doctor's office. The thought of Santana having to deal with her and her disease when she had made it very clear that hospitals and sickness was not her thing made Brittany's stomach sick. There was a fine line between dealing with a friend who was sick, and kissing someone whose life was sick.
Brittany couldn't help but think of all those times the tanned girl freaked out in the hospital, and panicked at the sound of beeping machines. It would be selfish to kiss her. It would be overwhelmingly amazing for the blonde, but what did it mean long term for Santana? All Brittany could see was a lot of heartache in store for the smaller girl, and if there was one thing that triumphed over everything- it was that the blonde hated seeing the latina upset.
She couldn't be selfish. She couldn't bring Santana into her messed up broken life. She deserved to be happy and free. And if there was one thing Brittany was sure of, her life...was as far from free as you could manage.
She stopped making circles on the tanned skin beneath her finger and looked up, locking eyes with the girl in front of her. Everything in her body was screaming to just reach over and kiss her harder than she had ever kissed anyone. To show her that she had been feeling the same thing this whole time, that she wanted it too. Her body was screaming at her, she could almost hear it.
A tear fell down her cheek as she took in the brunette in front of her whose eyes were squinting a little at the blonde's lack of response. Brittany wanted to say something, but she didn't really know how to word all that was running through her head. She didn't want the girl to feel unwanted, because she was desperately wanted. More than she could probably imagine. But she also couldn't stand the thought of hurting her, and she wanted her to know that too. She moved to speak, but before she could get the words to rise out of her throat- the brunette had pulled her hand away from her own. She rose her other hand defensively- motioning her to stop as she shook her head slowly.
"Don't"
"Sant-"
"Take me home." Santana breathed out slowly, tears falling quickly. She felt embarrassed and completely mad at herself for blurting out such a thing. She had probably ruined her friendship with Brittany, and the thought felt like a dagger twirling around in her ribcage.
"Stop, Santana, you don'-"
"Take. Me. Home." Santana was angry now. She said the words through gritted teeth, and turned herself away from the blonde as a defense mechanism. She wasn't sure what hurt the most. The fact that she admitted that she wanted to kiss her, or the fact that Brittany didn't. She was pretty sure they tied.
Brittany reached to touch the girl's arm. Partly because she wanted to comfort her, and selfishly because she wanted to feel the latina's warmth against her again. Before any contact could be made, Santana had pulled away and was already making her way to the car. Brittany sat for a moment, trying to get her breathing to return to normal. How was this the right thing, if they were both so hurt? She knew it was the right thing, she knew she had to protect Santana from a life she would hate. But why was it so fucking hard?
Brittany missed Santana. They had a completely deafening car ride home that morning. Nothing but silence up until they pulled into Santana's driveway and the sound of gravel was heard hitting the undercarriage of the car. Brittany was hoping this would all go differently, that they could talk about why she didn't kiss her. She wanted to scream that it wasn't what she wanted, that she was doing this to protect her. To save her.
Regardless of what they wanted to say, neither spoke. And Brittany watched the tiny girl disappear into her house and simply stared sadly for a few minutes afterwards. Hoping that she would reappear.
Since then, they hadn't spoken. Neither had tried to text or call and the distance was certainly taking it's toll on the blonde, who hadn't slept since then. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw her sweet face, and the rejection she felt. More than anything she wanted to make it right, to hug her and let her know why she did what she did. She was never the best at explaining things but she somehow had to let the latina know that it wasn't her. It definitely wasn't her.
She finally made up her mind to call the latina tomorrow. This distance was killing her, and her body was about to go into a frenzy if she didn't see the girl soon. All the feelings she felt now were starting to piece together and make sense. She had feelings for Santana. And they went far beyond the feelings of friendship- far beyond anything she had known was possible to feel.
Brittany took a sharp intake of air, snuggling further into her pile of soft fur stuffies. Her heart thumped loudly at the thought of hearing Santana's voice tomorrow and Brittany felt a small smile tug at the corners of her lips for the first time in days.
She closed her eyes and this time welcomed the images of the latina that appeared against the black. She knew it was torture, she knew she was only hurting herself by thinking of something she could never have. Something she would never let herself have. But she did it anyway.
"She's taking it pretty well, I mean look at her." Jocelyn motioned with her finger over to Jillian who was toddling around the room which held her grandfather in a nice deep wood casket. She was dressed in a little black and red dress and was catching the attention of many in the room.
"See Poppa?" she blabbered as she walked up to the casket and stood on her tiptoes her hands reaching high in the air. Everyone smiled quietly at the girl as her attempts failed. After giving up and pouting, she turned her attention towards something else and wobbled away.
She had been doing that all night. It was almost eerily sweet- the fact that she wanted to see him. Anyone that picked her up got an ear full, if they could even understand it. Mostly it consisted of, "Das Poppa, See Poppa" with her little arm extended pointing to the back room. If she wasn't melting the hearts of all those coming to pay respects she was walking around trying to find something small she shouldn't be playing with. Jocelyn was more than annoyed at the latter.
Santana smiled as she watched Jillian run up and wrap her arms around her leg. Jocelyn and Santana had made a promise to not cry at this thing but Jillian was making it extremely hard every time she tried to 'see' her Poppa. They had caught each other several times with teary eyes and the celebration of life wasn't even half over.
"This dress! I got it like a month ago, and I'm pretty positive my ass doesn't even fit in it anymore" Jocelyn interrupted, as she pulled the hem of her dress down to keep it from riding up.
"Psh, they don't make dresses for a ho" Santana smiled slyly at her.
She cut her eye's at the older latina before continuing, "Or it's all that food everyone kept bringing over."
"Or it's just the natural curve of your ass. Don't blame the food." Santana reached down and ruffled Jillian's hair and watched her run off again.
"Don't blame the food." She mocked, as she smiled and linked her arm in similar tanned skin. They had been standing at the entrance and Santana was helping her greet people as they arrived. Jocelyn was never good with showing much emotion either, and had asked Santana to stand with her for moral support. So far it wasn't that bad, they had kept their composure and neither had cried. Yet. Jillian was going to be the end to her streak though, she could feel it.
She was somehow grateful for the events of the last two days. They had kept her mind occupied and her time was completely full of errands, planning and trying to get Jocelyn's life back to normal- whatever that was.
She tried to keep Brittany as far from her thought's as possible. Tried being the key word. The girl would slip in when she least expected it and she would stay for extended periods of time only leaving for brief intervals. Santana both loved it and hated it.
Her heart and body melted at each glimpse her memory produced of the bubbly blonde, and she would sometimes catch herself trying to smile at the images. But just as quickly she would remember the look on her face after Santana had mumbled the two words she wished desperately she could take back. It wasn't that she didn't mean it, she did- with her entire being. But based on the blonde's reaction, she wished she could take it back. She had made an ass out of herself, and potentially lost the best thing to stroll right into her life since...well forever.
She glanced up at Jocelyn who was snapping her fingers near the older girl's face. She made a mental note to be careful with her spacing out moments regarding the blonde. Apparently it was noticeable.
"Whhhh-at" Santana blurted, swatting the smaller girl's hands away.
"Damn you disappear into yourself a lot" Jocelyn accused with her brows furrowed.
Santana rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest, "Yea, I gotta go somewhere when I'm around an asshole for too long."
Jocelyn scoffed before greeting two elderly men who walked through the door. Santana watched as her cousin hugged them and seemed to be acknowledging their grief. She could almost fade everything else in the room out, hearing only the music and seeing only them. She was brought out of her own made up world, when she felt a strong buzzing within the pocket of her dress. She felt her breath catch in her chest as she flipped it over and glanced at the screen. She slowly exhaled as "It's Quinn bitch" popped up on her screen along with an image of the blonde's face. She rolled her eyes and made a mental note to never let the cheer captain have access to her phone again without supervision. Though she hated to say it, she was entirely grateful it was her face that popped up and not a different blonde she had been daydreaming about not even 10 minutes earlier.
She made her way out of the main room before disappearing into a side door that lead to a room that was completely empty. She exhaled slowly and placed the phone up to her ear as she sat down carefully on a small bench near a window.
"Why hello Q, to what do I owe this pleasure." Santana said as if she was annoyed, when in truth she was grateful to be away from all those sad faces and the music that reminded her of her uncle.
"Oh Shut up, Lopez. I thought we were friends."
"We are friends, what are you talking about" Santana's brows were furrowed as she ran through a few scenarios in her head before coming up empty handed.
"You didn't tell me your uncle was sick or..." her voice drifted off slightly before there was a period of silence. Santana winced as she knew what words were coming next so she decided to beat the girl to the punch.
"You know me Q, I don't tell a lot of things." She breathed out slowly, finally letting out air she didn't realize she had been holding captive. She fiddled with a loose string off the side of her dress, twirling it around her thumb.
"Well, you should tell me San. I'm supposed to be your best friend. You were the first I told when I was late after sleeping with Puck." Santana rolled her eyes at the memory, this was definitely not the same thing.
"Not the same thing Quinn."
"You know what I mean, Santana. I know we have one of those relationships that's love the majority of the time but hate like 10%"
"More like 20%" Santana interrupted. "Maybe 30."
"Whatever, the point is I wanted to be there for you if you needed me. You were there for me, even when I didn't know I needed someone." Quinn's voice got really soft and Santana had to struggle to hear the last words she spoke.
"I know Q. I just don't handle emotional situations well, and you know how much I hate hospitals. That's the last thing I needed was for it to end up around school that I was petrified of something." Santana surprisingly admitted.
"San, I wouldn't have told anyone. Plus, I always have your back...remember? We may have the love hate, 10 or 20 thing going on. But you're like my sister...I really wish you would have let me help you."
Santana was taken back a little by Quinn's words, she sounded almost hurt and even though the conniving blonde got on her nerves the majority of the time, she didn't want her to be upset.
"I just had...have- so much going on. I'm not going to apologize because..."
"Yea I know, you don't do that." Santana could almost hear Quinn rolling her eyes as she spoke, "Instead, how about you come hang out with me tonite? Get your mind off all that's going on."
Santana looked out the window and watched as the sky grew darker. The sun had long disappeared beneath the horizon but the sky was still fighting with the night to remain bright. She blinked slowly and bit her lip as an image of the blue eyed blonde flashed before her eyes, her body remembering the warmth of her neck and the smell that invaded her senses. Her body shuddered slightly at the memory.
"Santana?"
The latina quickly licked her lips before responding, "uh, yeah sorry, got distracted." She spent two more seconds arguing with herself about whether she should go before responding quietly. "We can chill tonite, wanna meet around 9? This thing is over around 8:45."
"Yea. How about a movie at my house?" Quinn seemed to get a little cheery as the conversation went on.
"That's fine. I'll see you then." Santana sighed "And Q?"
"Yea?"
"I'm..." Santana started to apologize but her breath caught in her throat.
"Yea I know. See you soon."
Santana pulled the phone away and smiled lightly to herself. Her whole life seemed to be in a constant state of disarray. She hated how she couldn't count on anything to stay consistent. The only thing that remained the same was...
She didn't want to think of her anymore. Or about what happened the other morning, instead she preferred to push all those thoughts to the very back of her mind. Though, almost in protest, her heart seemed to reach back forcing her to deal with all the feelings she tried desperately to ignore.
The air was chilled as it brushed against Santana's face. She was standing in the doorway of the funeral home watching as the last person started their car and made their way towards the exit. Jocelyn was grabbing a few picture frames and other various memorabilia they had brought for the services. She was mumbling something in Spanish and it caused the older latina to chuckle as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"You know, you could help a sista out..." Jocelyn managed to say as she tried to shut the door behind her.
"Eh, then I'd have nothing to laugh at." Santana stuck out her tongue and reached behind to close the door, making sure it was locked.
"You gonna come over for the feast of food?" Jocelyn tried to make small talk as they came to a stop in front of their cars. She unlocked the doors and started shoving the pictures next to Jillians empty car seat.
"I think I'm gonna go hang out with Quinn, unless you need me? She was wiggin earlier, so I figured she needed some friend time."
"Ah okay. Well, if you get done early- swing by. I know you haven't really been sleeping lately- maybe we could play games or something." Jocelyn smiled before leaning in to give the older girl a hug.
"Don't forget to save me some chicken, ho nugget." Santana breathed out into dark curly hair.
"Imma eat it all myself." Jocelyn whispered before kissing Santana's shoulder and pulling away.
Santana rolled her eyes, "You don't even eat meat but nice try."
Jocelyn smiled and climbed into her car before blowing a kiss and driving off. Santana smiled to herself before climbing in her own car and blaring the stereo. She hoped the loudness of the music would prevent her mind from drifting. At this point she wasn't sure she could handle emotion from anyone else today, including herself.
As she drove the short distance to Quinn's she was thankful that the music did infact help keep her thoughts at bay. She caught herself singing along to several songs and even smiling a time or two at the lyrics. But just as quickly as she had been oblivious, she was met with flashes of blue eyes and she felt her chest sink into her stomach, fighting the feeling of being unable to breath.
She missed Brittany, and she missed the content feeling she felt whenever she was around the blonde. It almost seemed like every single part of her being just needed to be next to her. She shook the thought from her head. She knew she wasn't supposed to feel that way for a girl.
She stopped short in front of Quinn's house and smiled as she saw the girl open the door slightly, her blonde hair perfectly in place and her clothes wrinkle free. The latina had to give it to the girl- she always looked nothing short of perfection. Nothing was ever out of place.
She managed to pull herself out of the car and was soon being enveloped in a hug from the blonde. Something she immediately felt her body tense in response to, they never hugged. At least not on the regular.
"Stop tensing." Quinn laughed as she pulled away. "Come on."
Within minutes they had already settled on the couch and were trying to decide on which movie to sit through. They had been arguing about it for nearly 20 minutes, not agreeing on a single title.
"The Notebook?" Quinn suggested without looking up from the pile of DVD's in front of her.
"Yeah, cause I haven't cried enough in the last few days. Pick that one." Santana rolled her eyes and shifted under the blanket she had pulled overself.
"Devil Wears Prada?" Quinn suggested without responding to her.
"Don't wanna see Hathaway right now." Santana grumbled, this was turning out to be the worst idea ever.
"Oh! Love it!" she grabbed a case and started putting a DVD into the player, "How about Josie and the Pussycats! No one can resist a corny movie!" Quinn seemed so enthusiastic about her choice that Santana didn't have the energy to object. She just rolled her eyes.
The movie started playing and Santana curled further into herself and felt her body threaten to start producing tears. Why? She couldn't really explain, she just felt a little overwhelmed at all that was going on in her life. That and she was pretty sure she was having withdrawals from Brittany. She missed her presence.
She knew that sounded cornier than the movie she was watching, but this time she didn't even care.
Her phone buzzed next to her and she brought the screen up from under the covers to glance at it. One new text message. She swiped at her screen, and her breath caught as the name flashed in front of her eyes. She glanced quickly over at Q who was singing along with the girls on the screen before returning her eyes to her phone.
INBOX BRTT: Can we talk?
Santana's mouth immediately went dry as she nervously tried to decide whether to respond to or not. She was still so hurt by the way the blonde acted and embarrassed about the fact that it happened at all. But at the same time, every fiber of her being wanted to know what the taller girl wanted to talk about. She couldn't help herself as she typed.
SENT: When?
She threw her phone back down, snuggling up in the blankets and tried to focus on the movie that was playing out on the screen in front of her. This had never been a favorite movie of hers, but at least it didn't involve anyone dying or any tears. Her favorite had always been the blonde of the wanna be group- although that actress sometimes annoyed her.
Her phone buzzed again and she quickly reached down, side glancing at Q before swiping again at the screen.
INBOX BRITT: Now? I can meet you somewhere or you can come over here?
Santana's heart immediately started to race. She in no way thought she would have to deal with all this tonite. Plus she was supposed to be hanging out with Quinn, she couldn't just leave in the middle of it. Well if she was gonna be honest it was more so the beginning of it. The movie had barely taken off.
But yet, all she could think about was the 'Brittany feeling' she felt every time they were together. The desire to feel it again forced her fingers to move on their own.
SENT: I can come to you. It'll be like 20-30 minutes. I'm not home.
She sent the text before taking a big breath in and holding it for several seconds. How she was going to do this without completely upsetting the blonde in front of her she had no idea. She toyed with several options in her head before looking down at her phone again.
INBOX BRITTANY: I'll be here.
Santana clicked her phone off and moved the covers off her legs and glanced sideways at Q. Her brain was telling her to stick it out with Quinn and she could see Brittany another time, but her heart was screaming at her to fucking teleport into Brittany's vicinity as soon as possible. The desire to be in the girl's presence seemed to triumph over any other doubt the latina had.
"Quinn, I think I just wanna go home." Santana spoke up, her voice quivering slightly. She hoped the blonde didn't notice.
"Huh, you just got here." Quinn pouted.
"I know, I just- I'm not feelin it. Too much is going on in my head and I can't even enjoy it." Santana said honestly. "Can we just have a rain check?"
Quinn seemed to think a moment before she folded her arms across her chest. "Where are you going then?"
The question caught Santana off guard, she thought Quinn would just let her leave. " What do you mean, where am I going? I just don't feel like hanging out." Santana was starting to get snappy.
"After your phone buzzed like 4 times." Quinn motioned her eyes down to the object grasped in the latina's hand. Santana stood up and grabbed her keys without answering the other girl.
"Q just drop it. I appreciate you trying to help me, I just really can't do this right now. The movie is corny, and the silence is deafening. Just let me be." Santana snapped.
Quinn stood up and smacked her legs in annoyance. "You make it so hard to be there for you, why can't you just accept it."
Santana rolled her eyes and turned to look at the blonde. "I do accept it. I just can't right now. Please, Q?"
Quinn dropped her arms before lowering her voice to a whisper. "Please don't shut me out San. Imma bitch I know, but so are you. I can help you through this." Quinn smirked slightly.
Santana smiled before making her way down the front steps and to her car.
"You're a bigger bitch." Santana laughed as she got in the car.
"Says you...also a bitch. Invalid." Quinn laughed before turning to go back inside.
"Call me," were the last words Santana heard before the music in her car was blaring again, and she was driving almost automatically towards the one place she needed to be more than she needed to breathe.
The music wasn't working this time, and she felt her mind start to wander towards the way her chest seemed to cave when she uttered those two words to the girl she had been admiring for so long.
Kiss me.
She nearly rolled her eyes at her own forwardness. She still couldn't believe she had said it, she was never one to be forward. Much less to a girl.
The last part made her wince. She had known for a while that her feelings for Brittany were going way beyond a friend level. She had sensed the way her body reacted when she was simply in the girl's presence and the way her heart hung on every word that fell off the blondes pouty lips. She had never felt this way, not even when she was in relationships. Sure she liked to get her mack on and let off some steam with boys on occasion, but she had never had anything coarse through her veins the way Brittany Pierce seemed to flow through hers.
She had feelings for a girl. It was like she had to tell herself repeatedly for it to actually be true or for her to at least admit it. This wasn't just a feeling, like 'oh that girl's hot'...no these were plural. Multiple deep feelings. The thought made her feel slightly light headed. Santana didn't do feelings and this was all extremely new to her. She felt like her body was about to go to war with itself, she could literally feel all her cells going into shock and the tiny hair on her arms standing at attention. She willed herself to breathe normal but all that came out were puffs of shallow gasps.
Before she knew it, she was in front of the Pierce household. All the lights were off and Santana briefly considered driving away, and telling Brittany that she was too tired. It was after 10:40 and Santana could totally play off that. Especially since she hadn't slept in days- she was positive she looked like a low grade run down version of Eva Mendes. Without the mole.
She shook her head, she was hotter than her even on a bad day.
She pulled out her phone as she made her way up the walk way and stopped on the front porch. She quickly sent a text to Brittany telling her she was here. It was way too late to use the doorbell and Santana had a gut feeling that Brittany's mom had no idea of their meeting.
Within a second the door cracked open and Santana could make out a figure gesturing her inside. Her heart was going about a mile a minute as she took the few steps inside and felt a breeze brush past her arms as the door was shut.
"Come on. Upstairs." Brittany breathed quietly close to the latina as she turned to walk back up the stairs.
Santana swallowed slowly. She wasn't sure if she was so on edge because of being in the blonde's presence or from the girl's shallowed whisper. Either way she felt like Mrs. Pierce would be able to hear her heart thumping inside her ribcage as she slept. She willed it to slow down, but almost as if in protest she could have sworn it only thumped louder.
She quietly followed Brittany into the unfamiliar territory of her room. She felt like she was entering sacred territory and suddenly felt a little embarrassed at seeing the inside of the blonde's room. She bit her lip unconsciously and looked over at the blonde who was in a pair of tight black shorts with a loose sweatshirt enveloping her upper body. She watched as the blonde shut the door quietly before turning on the light in her room.
Brittany felt sweaty. In fact she was positive she was, despite the fact that she was cold. She couldn't seem to take a deep breath of air so her lungs seemed to settle on shallow breaths that made it hard for her to think coherently. She made her way past the brunette and sat in the middle of her bed, crossing her legs beneath her. She glanced up and noticed the brunette was smiling at her, allowing a smile to creep up on her own cheeks.
"Can we talk, please?" Brittany questioned.
Santana walked a few paces before easing herself down on the white chest that was placed perfectly at the foot of the blonde's bed. She desperately needed to be close to Brittany but at the same time she felt like she needed a cloud of space to prevent her heart from ripping through her chest like the hulk.
"Talk then" Santana said as she turned finally making eye contact with the girl on the bed. Both didn't move or speak. Before the other day, Brittany just loved being close to the brunette but since the girl had muttered those two tiny words, all she could hear when she looked at the latina was 'kiss me'. And God did she want to.
She struggled for a few seconds, getting lost in the depth of the brown eyes that were looking so deep into her own she was certain she felt it inside her soul. She tried to break eye contact but couldn't. She licked her lips slowly before feeling a shiver run the length of her spine, dissipating at her toes. She broke eye contact, quickly glancing at the latina's puffy lips before down at her own hands.
" I wanted to explain, " She paused briefly glancing up at the brunette before returning her attention to the bedspread beneath her. "About the other morning...I"
Santana felt her stomach start to do flips and interjected quickly, "Forget about it, I was just upset. It was a mistake."
"Don't say th-"
"I mean...fuck," Santana paused and exhaled slowly trying to gather herself so she wasn't so angry. "I had just lost my uncle and my world was falling apart and I just said it..it didn't mean anything."
Brittany couldn't help but smile as the latina rambled. Defensive mechanisms rising and the walls that guarded the precious girl trying to build themselves up in a frantic attempt at saving herself. For a second she allowed herself to believe that it all meant nothing. That it was all a mistake. She let her heart sink and her soul cry out- but only for a second. She watched as the latina fumbled with her left wrist as she spoke never making eye contact.
"...And then you were there and I don't know... you were sweet and I just wanted to forget about what was happening. It was dumb. I'm sorry, I just-"
"You can stop rambling now, and let me talk maybe?" Brittany finally spoke up.
Santana looked up as her chest heaved up and down, she was positive she had just made no sense at all in her long ramble but she was trying to find anyway to explain her actions the previous day. To protect herself from the ultimate downfall of 'we can't be friends' or 'what the hell was that about'. She finally allowed herself to breathe and for the first time realized that she was gripping her wrist so tight her hand was slightly red. She quickly let go watching as the white area returned to color as she tried to compose herself.
"You ramble more than Lord T when he has those energy drinks." Brittany laughed before glancing back up at the brunette. "And boy can he ramble."
Santana couldn't help but smile at the comment and roll her eyes at the same time. Somehow the girl could always make her smile no matter what feeling was welling in her chest.
"Speaking of that cat, he needs to realize he can't stare when I'm in the bathroom. Last time I was here he just sat in the sink and watched." Santana glared up at the blonde with a smirk.
"He's just curious!" Brittany retorted with a laugh which caused Santana to let out a laugh herself.
A comfortable silence fell between them. It was a nice change from the tenseness that filled the room only minutes before and neither tried to speak, for worry that it would return.
"I couldn't kiss you." Brittany breathed out in a barely there whisper. Her nerves were getting the best of her, but she knew she had to explain herself. She couldn't stand the brunette thinking that she was unwanted.
Santana didn't respond she just bowed her head slightly but glanced up with her eyes. She gripped her wrist again. This right here was why she didn't do feelings. Because with feeling's it was just too damn hard.
"You don't have to make excuses, Brittany." Santana tried to act stiff and void of emotion but the blonde saw right past it and continued as if the latina had never spoken.
"I said couldn't." Brittany spoke slowly and softly, her own hands trembled in her lap. She had never opened up to anyone like this before and the thought of what was happening or what could happen made her cheeks flush involuntarily. She was scared. Not of what she was about to say, but of what it meant for their friendship. But the swollen feeling within her chest and the way she had to keep her hands clenched together to prevent them from reaching towards the brunette said otherwise. She felt like her body was magnetized and she was being pulled towards the smaller girl, but she fought it. She had too. She'd be selfish otherwise.
She made eye contact with deep brown orbs and watched as they searched her own eyes for answers. She couldn't help her eyes as they fell to the girl's tiny nose and dipped down to glance at her lips before returning her gaze back to her eyes. Something that didn't go unnoticed by the brunette.
"I'm sick." Brittany finally said.
Santana looked confused. The conversation seemed to jump in a completely different direction. She tilted her head slightly but didn't break eye contact with the blonde. "Yea, I know."
"Like all the time, Santana. Remember how horrible those few weeks were when you had to go see your uncle everyday. That's my life. Like 60 percent of the time." Brittany felt like her heart was trying to scream but her brain was fighting to keep her voice soft. "I'm always in the doctor's office, dealing with needles, being admitted to the hospital, or just sick at home. I have very few days that aren't revolving around my health."
Santana furrowed her brows. She was still confused. Her heart was racing as she watched the blonde seem to unravel in front of her eyes. Whatever it was she was trying to say, it was obviously hard for her and Santana briefly considered moving to sit next to the girl, but she was afraid. Instead she remained seated and tried to understand what Brittany was attempting to say.
"Britt, what does this have to do wi-"
"I've seen you Santana. I've seen how upset you get when you walk through the doors of hospitals. I've seen how you cringe when the blood pressure machine beeps. The way you grip your wrist when you are in the room too long. Or how you wrinkle your forehead when you see a needle. I notice all that. It's hard for you." She paused briefly as tears prickled at her eyes. "Its more than hard- its unbearable. And I hate seeing you upset."
Santana's heart melted at Brittany's words. She had trouble focusing on what the blonde was trying to say because all she could focus on was the fact that she had noticed little things about her. She couldn't help the smile that pulled at the corner of her mouth, or the way she had trouble breathing full breaths. Her heart was taking up too much room. But she wasn't complaining.
"It's not fair." Brittany whispered.
"What's not fair?" Santana waited with a lump in her throat that she forced down with a silent swallow.
Brittany fiddled with the comforter before glancing up and locking eye's with the chocolate orbs. Chocolate orbs that melted her heart, yet kept her up for days.
"I said I couldn't kiss you, that doesn't mean I didn't want to."
Santana's breath caught in her chest. She winced a little as if she heard her wrong. She was positive her pulse was racing and her hands were trembling. She tried to say something but her mouth felt like cotton and she struggled to form a word, any word.
"But I couldn't." Brittany repeated herself sadly. "I couldn't kiss you, and wrap you up in a world that you hate."
Santana felt her chest ache at the sadness in Brittany's voice. She struggled to comprehend what the girl was saying, when her mind was too busy focusing on the fact that the blonde wanted to kiss her. She couldn't believe that Brittany would worry about something like that and the fact that she did made Santana want to kiss her more.
"Britt, a world with you in it." Santana paused to make sure her voice didn't tremble before continuing. "I could never hate that."
Brittany let out a quick puff of air and felt a tear leave her eye silently, as she saw the brunette get up from the bench to sit next to her on the bed. Without thinking she leaned over, wrapping her arms around the smaller girl and nuzzling her face in the warmth of her tan neck. Her skin burned where it made contact with the latina and she felt her chest bubble as she inhaled against the girl's flesh.
Santana gripped tightly and felt her body finally release the tension it had been holding onto for the past two days. She silently rubbed the girl's back, her chest quickening as she felt the girl's hot breath moisten her neck.
"You know what else isn't fair?" Santana whispered.
Brittany mumbled in response in coherently.
"You actually think something you can't help, a disease you can't control... would keep me away from you." Santana said her voice shaking slightly. "No hospital, no disease, no amount of needles could keep me from you."
Brittany gripped tighter against the brunette's neck and inhaled deeply again, wishing for this moment to last forever. She could endure a lifetime of nothing special, if she could just have 5 more minutes enveloped with her skin on fire.
"I haven't left yet have I?" Santana nudged Brittany in the side slightly causing the blonde to smile against tanned skin.
"Can I ask you something?" Brittany whispered against the brunette's neck, causing a wave of goosebumps to appear along the girl's arms.
"Anything."
"Kiss me?"
Santana clamped her eyes shut and her entire body seemed to ache in the same moment. She was positive Brittany could hear her heart racing or her skin bubbling. Both equally as embarrassing. She licked her lips slowly and pulled Brittany away from her slightly. In that moment it felt like she was drowning again. Only this time it wasn't a bad feeling, it was the most amazing feeling she had ever experienced. She couldn't hear anything but her movements. It was as if she could hear her arm as it parted the air between them and gently held the edge of Brittany's chin. She could hear the tiny bolts of electricity as her finger grazed over the pale skin of the blonde's jawline. She definitely didn't hate this feeling. She could live her entire life drowning, if it meant drowning in Brittany.
She licked her lips one more time, as her own breath sounds filled her ears. Her eyes glanced down at the pink lips that were slightly parted before glancing back into the ocean eyes that captivated her since that day by the fountain. She had always been drowning, just not in the way she thought.
Brittany's breath caught in her chest as she watched the brunette lean closer to her. She could feel the girl's warm breath cascade off her lips and she licked her lips involuntarily trying to taste her presence.
With one last flicker of eye contact, Santana leaned forward slowly, bringing the girl's chin towards her before shutting her eyes and brushing her lips against the blondes. She inhaled immediately at the contact, and smiled at the idea of inhaling air that was once Brittany's. She slowly moved her lips, a part of her dying each time they slid smoothly against the blondes. It was sweet and soft, despite the amount of heat that radiated from both of their bodies and neither showed signs of stopping. Santana moved her hand to the nape of Brittany's neck as her free hand fell to the blonde's back gripping her closer as her lips continued to move effortlessly.
She gasped when she felt Brittany's tongue tickling the outer edge of her lip and she returned the gesture, their tongues colliding hotly in the process. Santana couldn't stop herself from deepening the kiss nor could she stop the moan that filled Brittany's mouth. The blonde moaned in response and Santana could have sworn she felt the vibrations deep within her stomach. Brittany pulled away slowly, her breath uneven and her chest heaving. Her forehead was pressed against the latina's but her eye's were focused solely on her lips.
Santana tried not to let her mind wander into the territory of what all this meant. She tried to let her body just be in the moment. Her chest heaved despite the brief pause but she payed no attention to it, and bent down pecking the blondes lips slowly, her lip getting caught in between Brittany's before it fell back into place.
"I should have done that yesterday." Brittany was the first to speak, her cheeks flush and her hands trembling slightly.
"It's okay." Santana whispered, her breath invading Brittany's nostrils as the blonde inhaled deeply. "This was better."