Author's Note: Once again my Wednesday took me to the brink of insanity so this chapter is late. I think next week I'm going to aim for Tuesday, I don't have as much going on, but we'll see.
Choices
Sam walked slowly up to Haruka's porch, feeling like she was approaching a firing squad. What would Haruka think of her? Lifting her hand, she knocked, hoping she wasn't interrupting something by showing up unnoticed, but she had two reasons for the visit.
The door opened to reveal Haruka standing in the doorway wearing some sort of cream-coloured kimono, covered in a repetitive printed red-and-blue diamond pattern.
"I hope you don't mind me dropping by but I have the training results. We're taking more graduates than usual. I'm sure you've been briefed about the Ori situation."
"Indeed I have. Come in and we'll talk. You have something on your mind." The older woman put down slippers for her guest and then led her to the dining room, where the table was pushed to the side. A big black cast iron kettle sat on an electric heating unit in the middle of the room, and a bamboo ladle balanced in a curious position on top. Beside the kettle, on a box, a few bowls and other utensils had their place on a tray. "I hope you don't mind me practising my slightly rusty skills as a host," she smiled a little uneasily.
Hesitantly, Sam sat down, mimicking Haruka, using one of the benches for help. From her briefcase, Sam pulled out the list handing it to Haruka. The older woman took it and put it aside, continuing the ritual and handed Sam the bowl with frothing tea.
Sam shook her head. "Sorry, I can't drink the tea. I'm not supposed to drink anything with caffeine."
Haruka raised her eyebrow but didn't retract her offer. "The tea is caffeine free. I'm over fifty now. My doctor doesn't like me to drink more than one pot a day and well if I didn't have my tea or coffee I just might kill somebody." Her smile was pure shark. "Now just what has you off caffeine my dear?"
Laughing nervously, Sam took a sip and looked at Haruka. "I'm ten weeks pregnant and I-" Sam broke off to stare into her bowl, hoping to find the answer she sought swirling in its shallow green depths.
"This shouldn't be something to mourn, Sam. Bringing a child into the world is a joyous thing. You and Jack love each other, so what is the problem?"
"Timing Haruka, we're about to go to war again; they're going to need me and I won't be able to help. I'll be sidelined because of this, but how can I sit back and not give everything to save the world I want for my child?"
After a few – moments – Haruka cut the silence. "And when are you going to have that child? How old are you now, Samantha O'Neill? 35, 36? Tell me Sam, when?" Her words bit like the shark teeth she wore on her earrings, driving the point home. "When is it ever a good time for a soldier woman to have kids? I can't remember anygood time for that in my life. My husband is in the Navy Sam. In the goddamn United States NAVY. I see him usually only four months a year. You and Jack aren't much better. So tell me, Sam. W-H-E-N."
Ashamed at her own foolishness, Sam met Haruka's gaze with tears in her eyes. "There never is, is there."
"By the time you reach the ranks with the built-in back-row seat, you CAN'T have kids any longer." The Brigadier General began whisking up another bowl of tea. "So what are you going to do? You have two choices: you can sit back and wait for the world to end or you can do what you can when you can, raise you child and hope for the best. That's what I did." She took Sam's hand. "I'm not saying this will be easy because it won't. We chose a hard path to walk, but we chose it knowing full well what the consequences would be, we hoped would never have to make these choices, but life obviously had different plans."
Sam sighed. "No kidding. I guess we move forward and hope fore the best." She took another sip of the tea. "Now shall we get over that list?"
Haruka nodded. "Yes, we should."
Cassie rolled over again unable to sleep. Her mind was running a mile a minute and she couldn't get it to slow down, she'd been trying for the last three hours or so.
Giving up on sleep for now, she rolled out of bed and padded down the hall toward the kitchen looking for a snack and a drink of water.
As she passed Jon's door, she heard noises coming from within. It almost sounded like Jon was talking to someone.
Worried, she opened the door. "Jon?"
He lay on the bed in a tangle of sheets. Then suddenly he screamed, sitting up breathing hard, his gaze darted around the room but they seemed to take nothing in.
Cassie took a step closer. "Jon, are you all right?"
His head swiveled to look at her, but he seemed to look right through her. "Jon, it's me Cassie. Are you all right?"
He tilted his head. "Cassandra, you're not Cassie she's just a little girl. So young and lost…" but then he shook his head. "No she's all grown up and I'm not Jack anymore. His life is gone, like sand through my fingers."
Fear coursed through her and she wondered if she should call Sam or Daniel. "Jon, please talk to me. What's wrong."
"So much death, destruction and waste. Jack's hands are covering in blood and so are mine." Jon held out his hands to her. "Cassie, how can she love me, when my soul is so black, marred by memories that are not my own. Everything I touch turns to ash…"
Her arms ached to hold him, to comfort him, Cassie stepped forward reaching out to touch him. "I'm not going anywhere. You're not going to lose me-"
Jon's grip on her arm was painful and he flipped her onto the floor landing on her pinning her to the ground. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"
He slammed her head into the floor, making her see stars. Panic filled her voice. "Jon it's Cassie, please don't hurt me. I love you."
Jon froze mid slam and blinked as though he was trying to bring the world into focus. Backing away he let her go. Horror filled his face as he moved away until he hit the wall. "Cassie?"
She sat up and tried to move toward him. "I'm here Jon."
"No stay back! I could have hurt you. What were you thinking?" Jon stared down at his hands refusing to look at Cassie ashamed of what he'd done.
"Jonathan O'Neill are you the most stupid man alive or just plain dense? Iwalked into this room knowing full well what might happen Itouched you, hoping to pull you out of Jack's memories. If that's how you're going to act I'll leave you alone to your misery."
She shoved him aside and started to leave the room.
He let her go a few steps before making a choice. "I was back in Iraq, Cassie, I saw things there I can't talk about ‒ won't talk about, I can't do that to you, not yet anyway, but I can tell you I-" He ran his hand through his hair. "In that place Jack was afraid. When I get scared, I dream I'm back in that place, where I have no control and living in subhuman conditions."
Cassie knelt down in front of him, reaching out to touch his face. "Jon, you always have a choice even in those conditions and I'm sure you did nothing to be ashamed of. I know you and Jack well enough to believe that. Remember Jon, we're all afraid sometime, but it's what we do with that fear, and if we allow it to control us."
There was silence as Cassie waited and when he didn't speak she did. "Tell me whatever you like, but talk to me Jon. You need to tell someone and face those memories or they'll continue to haunt you as they do Jack, I've heard him at night. I thought you wanted a different life that Jack's. Start here, talk to me."
Jon dropped his head. "You're right." Reaching out he cupped Cassie cheek. "I'm not going tell you all of it now but I'll tell you about my dreams and we'll see how things go from there."
Watching Cassie tug the blankets from the be Jon tried to prepare himself for the coming ordeal.
Jon talked until he was hoarse as each word left his mouth his soul felt a bit lighter. He found himself telling Cassie about more than his dream. He'd wanted to keep her safe from the horrors he experienced but she pushed and prodded at him until he spilled everything. Finishing, he drew a deep breath before looking over at Cassie where she rested against his chest.
She didn't wipe the tears away. "I thought I knew, I mean I'd heard things over the years but I never imagined-" Linking hands with Jon, she kissed his knuckles. "I'm sorry you have to remember that and I'm sorry Jack had to live it."
He cupped her cheek. "It's over now, and in the past." His lips brushed hers and she matched his kiss hungrily.
After the torrent of emotions, he been feeling already that night, Cassie's touch swept him away and for the moment Jon let it happen. He needed to feel another human's touch, to be reminded that he was alive, but he knew they were walking a fine line.
The kiss deepened and Cassie's hand moved up his arm and his hand strayed toward places better left untouched. Her fingers strayed to the hem of his shirt and began to remove it, but he caught her hands as he pulled back.
"Cassie, we've talked about this."
She rested her forehead against his. "I know we have. I just-" Taking a deep breath she said, "I love you. I'll leave you now, goodnight."
Standing up she started to leave, but Jon caught her hand as he stood. "Stay with me tonight."
Cassie stopped. "But I thought-"
"Not that way, Cassie. I just want you close to me tonight, please."
"I'm not saying no." Then she took his hand and led him over to the bed dragging the blankets with them. Laying down Jon took Cassie in his arm and had the best sleep in a long while.
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