Chapter 9

Although the three words she had said to Severus still caused dread in Hermione's heart she put her fears and feelings aside to focus on her slumber party with Ginny.

The girl was comming to her dorm after supper. Of course it couldn't be the olden days with just the two of them sharing a room because of Hermione's roommates, but Hermione was anticipating it just the same. Even though it was just Ginny and the three roommates, Hermione decided to clean up the place. More in hopes it would distract her from her wandering thoughts, than to make the place look decent. Unfortunately, nothing, not even cleaning, seemed to aid her in her wandering id.

You only told him how you felt, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

But he doesn't want that, he doesn't want a relationship. He wants sex.

And what about what you want?

I was happy with what we had going, I was getting selfish.

The only thing you were doing was what you set out to do.

Three years ago! He wouldn't even remember that now. No, sex is the only future we have.

You could get more now that you told him.

Or less.

The last thought was what she feared the most. Not having Severus express his feelings the night before made Hermione realize that they were on differnt pages. He didn't feel anything but hot lust for her and she was foolish to hold her childish crush out for him.

She smiled at the memory though, the one that had made her fall in love with him.

It had been back in her fourth year at the Yule Ball. She and Victor had danced the night away on the dancefloor, under everyone's envious glares. Unfortunately, by the time midnight had rung, she and Victor had left to be alone in the hallways, and the gentleman she had invisioned him to be wasn't anywhere around.

The moment they were away from their peer's watchful eyes and chatters, he had grabbed at her clothes. In one full swing he had ripped the straps right off of her dress. She could still hear the sounds of him ripping the many layors of her beautiful gown, his forceful fingers shreaded through every layor that he touched.

She had gone from the envied princess to the disgrace of the ball in a short amount of time. Every ounce of her had been focused on her escape, her trials to run to the safety of her dorm. When her sad attempts at escapes annoyed him, he threw his robust body onto her, slamming her against the brick wall. With the rouch rock digging into her exposed back, and his body towering over her, she was completely caged in. Her screechy voice begged and pleaded with him to let her go but he would not hear of it.

"Please, Victor, we had a good night," she said, her tear stained face scrunched in disgust as he saw him unbuttoning his pants.

"And now we're going to make it perfect," he assured her with bombarding snog.

She shook him off of her face and tried to pull away from him. He moved his leg higher to trap her but she had managed to manouver herself over it. Unfortunately before she was safe he had caught the tail of her dress and she had fallen to the ground.

Without given her a beat to stand, he had dropped his emence body ontop of her. She hugged herself to the stone ground, not giving in to his arms trying to turn her around.

His voice became soft as he tried to convince her to give into him, "Hermione, I'm just doing this because I really like you."

"No you don't. You're horny! GET OFF!" She wringled her tiny body, an attempt to shake him off.

That was when she truely realized his strenghth. He was much stronger than her. She hadn't noticed it all night; he had been gentle with her, alluring and charming. All that had disappeared when they had exited the Ball, he had shown her his true nature: he was a beast. A wretched creature with brute strength that used it to get what he wanted. That night, he only hungered for her.

She struggled awhile more until she felt something differnt. He had stopped trying to turn her around. She moved her head to see if he had gotten off of her but then the trim of her dress fell over her face.

She screamed the moment his hands touched her panties and he began to slide them down to her knees. She cried and yelled, hoping anyone would hear her.

And to her greatest luck someone had.

She heard him hollar a spell and felt Victor fly away from her, before she saw him. She quickly stood on her shaking legs and pushed her dress back to its rightful place before she faced her professor.

Severus Snape observed the incident with such a face of disgust that Hermione felt her tears finally falter. He wasn't alone, Victor's professor, Igor Karkoff, was fearfully standing behind him.

Snape turned to Karkoff, "Well, Igor, you've certainly got yourself the golden boy of the new century here." The sarcasm wasn't lost on any of them. "Best take him back to his room and remind him how all Hogwarts students are off limits!"

The Russian Professor read Snape's threatening pose and told Victor to zip up. He then accompanied his student back to their living quarters.

Snape watched them leave before he turned to Hermione. "Granger, you knitwit, what were you doing, letting him lead you into a place so secluded? Do you have any idea what would have happened had his professor and I not been close by?"

She whimpered through her nod, realizing that her professor blamed her for what had happened. "Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir. Thank you for being so close, sir." She hiccoughed, trying to keep her cries down.

He heard her sad attempts and shook his head, unable to believe what he was about to do. "Miss. Granger, would you like a rescue tonic? I have some in my classroom."

Another hiccough, but this was accompanied by a nod. He lead her to his classroom, not saying a word the whole way. When they entered the dark and empty room, he left her side to search for the tonic. She shivered from the cold, damp air brushing against her shoulders and exposed skin, Victor had done such a number on her dress that night. The wind in the Dungeon was so unbearable it froze her down to the spot where she stood in the empty classroom. Her professor, although in her sight, seemed so far away; lonliness was something she suddenly didn't like.

Soon Snape had found the tonic and handed her a small blue vile. She observed the liquid, biting her bottom lip as she did. "Professor, what exactly does the tonic do?"

He exhauled and said, "Atleast now you're asking the right questions. I know what you're thinking and the answer is no, you will not forget what he did to you."

This statement answered what she had been pondering and, with a sigh, she downed the tangy liquid in a heartbeat.

"Guess my perfect night was ruined," she said, handing back the vile and pursing her lips from the taste still lingering there.

He shrugged, appearing not to care yet, in a voice that suggested differntly, he stated, "There will be other perfect nights. Some won't be ruined."

She didn't take this as a comforting statement, "But he was perfect, the perfect date for any teenager."

"Yes, and look what he ended up doing."

Grimly she realized he was right. She had imagined him as this perfect person because that was the way he had wanted her to see him. She had been so naive and played right into his game. She felt so pathetic."I'm going to be alone forever, arn't I?" she asked, though didn't expect any kind of response but a grunt.

However, he surprised her with an answer, "Miss. Granger, there will be others, better people who will love you and not do that to you." He hadn't realized how low she felt just then, apparently he thought her statement was made becuase of the way Victor had ended the evening. "You're not the first woman I have encourtered to be a victim of sexual violence." This got her attention and pulled her out of her slumps for the moment, "Most of them you wouldn't know but...well Madame Sprout...she became a Herbologist because the Devil's Snare actually saved her one night when an elder wizard had been persuing her."

"Really?" She was slightly intrigued that a woman so happy and bubbely could have gone through something so similar.

"Yes. She devoted her life to plants after that. She also met a good man and is happily married."

Hermione sighed, "But she's not me. She's fun, she's energetic, she's not some bookworm who spends her time in a library. Or gets excited when there's a test in class." God I'm pathetic she wanted to scream but felt her professor didn't want to hear that.

Snape hadn't said anything to dismiss these accusations against his colleague but he did roll his eyes and suggested the woman was nerdy, "She gets excited when a plant blossoms."

She looked up to him and pouted her lips, "That's not what I meant."

"Well, Miss Granger, I apologize but I do not see anything wrong with you."

She was surprised by this sentence, and stopped to consider it's meaning. Had she just heard a compliment from her stone-cold teacher?

Seeing her pause he rolled his eyes and expanded on his statement.

"You're a smart girl, very smart. Unfortunately Mr. Krum used that against you and you feel now that that is your weakness. You should use it against him and make it your best tool. So what if you live in the library, you're better than most of the idiots around you. You'll go farther than some Quiddich player who will most likely get arrested because of his trouser meat. And, Miss. Granger, may I say, not as your professor or your savoir tonight, but as a man, I do find smart women attrative."

Taking a risk she asked, "Do you find me attrative?"

He opened his mouth to answer her but before he did realized what he was saying and to whom. "I...am not authorized to answer that." She felt herself sink, realizing she had just asked the creepy professor Snape if he found her attractive. However, he did embellish his resonse soon and, without looking at her, said, "and, I'm sure a girl as smart as yourself would realize that if I am not allowed to answer a question like that, the answer is most likely not negative."

Her eyes opened in bewilderment. He cleared his throat, knowing that he had said far too much. She felt herself glowing, he had lifted her spirits higher than anyone else had ever done before. He noticed this glow too but blamed the cause of the heightened emotions on the tonic. He used a quick repairo on her dress and then noticed the time.

He suggested she go to bed but then became slightly worried about her, "Are you alright to walk back to your tower by yourself?"

Wanting him close to her she said no and he actually walked her up to Gryffindor tower. He was quiet on the way back, he didn't say anything comforting or anymore about Krum, afraid someone would overhear, but he would make remarks on people or pictures they passed. They arrived at the Fat Lady and he bade her goodnight.

Hermione sighed and as she watched him leave a thought entered her mind, if this was a perfect evening he would have given me a goodnight kiss. Which made her blush a deep red before entering the common room. Ginny had been there and thought the blush had been because of Victor, Hermione never had the heart to tell her or Harry what had really happened that night.

For the longest time she hadn't even realized it herself. She brushed off the evening as a bad memory of Krum trying to rape her but soon she knew what that night really was to her. The night she found her feelings for her Potions Master.

Hermione sat up on her bed, remembering the story always made her feel lightheaded. She looked about her room and lifted her wand to clean it up, still wondering how Severus was going to treat her the next time they met.

Severus, himself, was in his study wondering the same thing.

All of his life he had loved only one person and that person was not the girl he was sleeping with, in truth he had never slept with the girl he loved.

Severus grunted from frustration and went to his cupboard and grabbed a pensieve. He placed the shallow stone bowl on the desk, next to the glass shard that he had been studying since its release from his skin. He turned to the shard, picked it up and threw it across the room.

That shard was more than just a piece of glass from his father's abuse. It held with it a realization that Severus had never wanted to make a reality since that winter day twenty years ago.

Everything he had told Hermione had occured but the day after he had awoken he had gone to his best friend's house. Lilly happily said a hello to him and invited him inside. They stood in her cramped kitchen, Lilly moved about and prepared hot cocoa for them, and Severus explained the ordeal from two nights before.

"I think he may have actually gotten some glass in my skin."

"Oh that's awful," she said. "You should go to the clinic and get them to take it out."

"Lilly, I can't do that. St. Mungo's wouldn't care about such a little thing and I can't go to a muggle medical center because they have no record of me."

She shrugged and handed him a warm cup, packed to the brim with marshmellows and the chocolatey liquid beneath. "Lilly," he found it hard to ask her the reason he'd come to her, "Could you look at my back and tell me if you can see anything?"

She made a face and shook her head, "I really think you should see someone professional, Sev."

"Please? I don't want someone I can't trust."

She sighed and stopped sipping from her cup. Severus took this as a yes and pulled his shirt above his head, revealing his back to her.

He heard her shutter and figured it was from his badly cut back. Then she claimed she saw nothing and told him to put his shirt back on.

"Are you sure?" He asked very surprised that she saw nothing.

Her answer held no hint of doubt, "Yes."

Severus began to roll his shirt down when he glanced back to her and saw that she wasn't looking at him at all. She was completely turned to the back wall, drinking her cocoa and not hesitating to lie to him.

"LILLY!" He was more surprised than angered at her lies. The perfect Gryffindor who never lied had just done so to her best friend.

She quickly whipped around, surprised that he'd found her out. "I'm sorry, Sev, but I just...I never liked looking at your back, it's always made me feel repulsive."

"Re-repulsive? Lilly, this is just who I am. I thought you liked who I am."

"Well, I do but I never liked hearing your stories about what your dad does to you. That's not normal, and I don't care what you say, I don't have to listen to it."

"But...but I thought you wanted to help me, I thought you were fine with hearing it because you knew that it helpped me."

"Well, I'm sorry but it's really hard to hear those stories all the time. They've gotten old."

His cheecks flushed with anger at her words,"Old? You call what happened to me two days ago old? I was left out in the fucking cold, Lilly. If I was a muggle I'd have died. I still had to take a freeze heal when I got in. I'm sorry that it doesn't fit into your perfect life but that's what my life is all about."

"Well I never asked for you to be apart of my life."

This caught Severus by the heart and dragged him down to the earth's core. Lilly realized what she had said and tried to take it back. Like a deluted dog Severus accepted her apology and believed that she was under stress and had accidentaly took out her frustration on him.

Her lies, however, never changed the fact that there had been a peice of glass left in him. For twenty years Severus had left the glass in there, feeling that if he removed the glass than she surely had never wanted him to be apart of her life. However, now the glass had been removed, and he needed to know if the only woman he loved had never felt anything for him.

He reached into his box of memories and poured one inside the bowl. The lights shown and twisted from the center of the recollection. With a sigh Severus forced himself to go inside the light filled liquid, to a day from his summer holiday between his third and fourth year.

He saw his younger self sitting outside on a lawn chair and Lilly sat on one similar next to him. He was dressed in his school pants and a tattered long sleeved shirt, never had he been able to sit with exposed skin beneath the sune's rays. She sat in a bikini, her body fully exposed to both the sun and the young, curious, boy beside her.

Severus walked closer, needing to see Lilly's reactions to the speech his younger self was about to declare to her.

"Lilly, I really like you, you know," the nervous boy said, licking his lips in an attempt to slow his speeding heart.

Severus looked over Lilly, wondering what she had been thinking at that point.

She heard her friend's word and the look of dread came over her face. Her eyebrows sprung up to her hair line and her lips curled. She sat like a statue, waiting for him to continue.

"Lilly? Did you hear what I said?"

Her voice was barely more than a squeek but she assured him that she had heard him.

"Well?" He asked, gripping his bony hands impatiently.

"I like you too, Sev." Severus heard himself sigh in the other chair and felt sorry for his past self, for he knew what was comming next. "You're like a brother to me."

The words hit his younger self hard. He sunk deep into the lawn chair, "Oh?"

"Yes," she continued, trying to give him the hint that she did not care for him. "Well, more than a brother and a friend." He lightened at this but she hit him with another blow, "You're my best friend."

"Oh..." He fell again, at last realizing that she was not interested.

"No, don't say it like that, it's really a good thing. See, if we were like boyfriend and girlfriend we'd break up and we'd drift apart but if we are best friends than we're best friends forgever, got it?"

Angry at himself for believing her lies, Severus pulled himself out of the memory. He was back at his desk, rubbing his temples and breathing hard.

How had he been so stupid?

But soon, realizing how he felt now from Lilly's torments, he wondered outloud, "How could I have done the same thing to Hermione?"

He dug though his box and tried to find other memories that would tell him more about the Lilly Evans he thought he had known.