Chapter 10 – Snape's Memory

The snow melted away, the days became longer and warmer as the spring finally reached the Hogwarts. The sunlight which now filled the corridors and classrooms would have cheered me if not one thing that laid a huge shadow on the otherwise wonderful time of year – the hearing in Buckbeak's case. At any day we expected to hear from Hagrid of how it went, though neither of us believed the positive outcome since Lucius Malfoy had been involved.

Even the Gryffindor victory over Slytherin in the final game for the Quidditch cup did not cheered me up as much as one could expect. Because of worry for Buckbeak, I found it difficult to concentrate for studies. The breaking point was reached in the Saturday's lesson – the last one before the exams, when I made several mistakes while trying to brew the antiserum to Manticora's poison – it was very difficult one. Snape was demanding the utmost accuracy, because if made incorrectly, this antiserum could cause the opposite effect, slowering the poison spreading and therefore making the victim to suffer an excruciating pain.

"Alright, move away!" he roughly pushed me aside and with a flick of his wand emptied my cauldron, then he threw annoyed glance at me. "What is wrong with you, Miss Swan? A couple of months ago you had no problem to brew the Draugth of Living Death, but now you're not able to follow the simplest instructions?"

"I'm sorry," I felt my cheeks warming. "Can I rest for a five minutes and then try again?"

"No, that's enough for one day," Snape pushed me out of lab and into his office, motioning for me to sit down. "Tell me, what keeps your mind so distracted? Are you concerned about exams, or what?"

I looked at him, unsure of whether I should tell him anything. Would he understand how helpless and angry I felt, seeing such unjustice and being unable to do anything to make things right?

"Do not make me to repeat the question, Miss Swan," Snape's voice was quiet, but there was a hidden threat.

I sighed and revealed the whole Buckbeak's story. Snape listened, not interrupting me at once, but his face showed nothing but a little annoyment. When I finished, he shook his head.

"Unbelievable!" he said, taking his seat. "So, your concern about that hippogriff is what leaves you unable to do anything else?"

"I'm glad I'm amusing you," this time I managed to reply with sarcasm.

Snape gave me a long stare. "I'm not amused, Miss Swan. But, from the other side, don't you think that the execution is well-served? Mr. Malfoy was injured after all."

"He provoked the incident!" I jumped up on my feet, fuming in pure anger – something that had not happened for a while in Snape's presence. "Hagrid warned us that hippogriffs are proud creatures, that no one should ever offend them. Malfoy knew it, and yet he insulted Buckbeak! He did that on purpose! And if you refuse to admit that – " I paused, realizing that Snape is glaring at me, as if challenging to finish the sentence.

There was no use of try to convince him about anything. Without saying a word, I grabbed my bag and strode out of Snape's office, ignoring that the lesson was far from over. Not that I was surprised for Snape defending Malfoy, but it still angered me. I just knew that if I had stayed there a second longer, there would be a serious fight, and not just verbal.

Later I could not understand, how did I managed to pass the exams that year with quite decent grade. Everything around me seemed to be in blur. I went on and wrote down the answers in theoretical exams, then cast the spells, drew the star maps and did the other things in practical parts. In Thursday – the final exam day – Professor Lupin's practical exam was the one, though, which distracted my thoughts from Buckbeak and the appeal that had to happen later this afternoon.

Slytherins passed the hurdles (very clever and interesting made), then I remained back to wait for the Gryffindors. Harry earned the highest grade after climbing out of box with boggart inside. He joined me, a bit blushing for receiving the praise from Lupin.

"So, beat the boggart?" I grinned, when Harry stood besides me.

"Oh, you know, piece of cake," Harry grinned too, watching Ron who was currenly trying to pass the small piece of swamp – and fell in the marsh water, confused by false trail. "Crap, I told him to watch out."

"At least the boggart won't be a problem for him," I winced, while Ron crawled out of swamp, cursing under his breath, and headed to the box.

Hermione was the next one. She had better success than Ron, until the boggart. We had a moment of fun, when she leapt out, screaming something about Professor McGonagall who announced her that she failed in all exams, but our good mood ended when we walked back to the castle and spotted Fudge along with axeman standing at the front door.

"Did you see that?" I whispered, when we passed them and hurried to the Great Hall. "The executioner is already here. What kind of justice could we expect?"

"Poor Hagrid," Hermione was on a verge of tears. "I wish we could do something – anything!"

Neither of us spoke. I already had suggested that maybe we should release Buckbeak in freedom, but Hagrid refused it because of fear that the Ministry of Magic could suspect him and therefore cause trouble for Dumbledore. Personally I think the real reason was Hagrid's fear to break the law because he might end up in Azkaban, but I never mentioned it out loud.

The last exam for me was in Potions – Snape mostly ignored me (not very surprising, because it was his normal attitude in classroom). The Confusion Draught was rather easy to brew, and I felt content with myself when the exam was over.

After the dinner, I hoped to catch up with my friends, but as I was about to head upstairs, Snape appeared at the Great Hall door.

"Miss Swan?" he motioned for me to come closer. "Do you have a minute?"

I hesitated. In fact I did not had a minute, if I wanted to join my friends on their visit to Hagrid – we agreed to go and see him before the execution, but there was no way I was going to reveal it to Snape. None of us could go outside of castle in such late hour, apart from me, that is, and so I sighed and followed Snape down to the dungeons, mentally spitting curses for his tendency to show up in wrong place at very wrong time.

As we walked along the corridor, I remembered that I still had the book about Legilimency which Snape once gave me. Might as well use the chance to retrieve it. As soon as we entered his office, I took the book out of bag and placed on Snape's desk.

"Did you read it?" Snape glanced at me, then at the book.

"From one cover to another," I replied. "At least five times."

"Good, Miss Swan," Snape nodded, then his look travelled to the end of desk where I spotted the journal I gave to him for Christmas. "I believe I haven't thanked you yet for the gift."

"You just did," I smiled. "Since you haven't thrown it out yet, I assume you like it, sir."

"Very thoughtful of you. By the way, I rather enjoyed your little show in Christmas! Who would know that you're such an actress."

"Why, thank you, sir," I grinned. "Though Professor Trelawney might disagree with you."

"And she did, indeed," Snape smirked, then he pointed at few books, piled on his desk. "I went through my own books, searching for something that cannot be found in school library and found these. Perhaps you might find them useful during the summer?"

I gaped at Snape, barely believing my ears. Was he actually offering me to borrow his own books for the whole summer? I stared deeply in Snape's eyes, pretending to use Legilimency only to see his reaction. To my surprise, Snape merely nodded in encouragement, wordlessly giving permission to enter his mind.

We have been doing this before – he allowed me to attempt entering his mind randomly to improve my skills. Since Christmas we practised in Legilimency at least half of the length of the lesson. Once I even managed to take a peek at Snape's thoughts by using non-verbal incantation. This time, however, I took out my wand and whispered, "Legilimens", to enter his mind.

I rather felt than saw sincerity in Snape's mind, as he was thinking about lending the books to me. Not wanting to intrude his privacy too much, I pulled myself out of his thoughts and smiled.

"Thank you, Professor. Whatever those books are about, I'm sure they will be useful," I paused, then walked closer to see the titles.

"There are particular volumes about various Dark Creatures, including werewolves," Snape smirked, accenting the last word with a trace of disgust.

I rolled my eyes. "What is with you and Professor Lupin? I know you want his job, but does it have to be a reason for hating him so much?"

Snape's mood immediately changed. "Stay out of this, Miss Swan, and don't speak of things you have no idea about!" he hissed.

"Well, why don't you enlighten me, sir?" I crossed my arms, ignoring Snape's snarl. "Whatever it is, it would remain within this room, I promise."

"It's not – Miss Swan, keep your own nose away from it!" Snape retorted, looking somewhat uneasy. "There are things even you cannot understand!"

Without thinking, I acted on pure instincts, fueled by sudden anger for not having the answers I needed. Faster than ever my mind was totally empty, and I glared in Snape's eyes, wordlessly forcing myself into his thoughts.

I found myself at Snape's side. He was much younger – thirteen, maybe fourteen years old. He wore a Slytherin uniform, his hair was even a bit longer than to his adult self, falling on each side of face like a black curtain, though I had to admit that adult Snape looked much better than he did in his youth. We were crossing the Hogwarts yard, Snape held his wand tightly in his hand, then suddenly he leapt aside, hiding in shadow of the wall.

I looked around, searching for the reason of his movements, and spotted Madam Pomfrey (also a bit younger than she was now) who was accompanying a young boy. He appeared to be in Snape's age, but there were dark circles around his eyes, pale, unhealthly skin – he looked actually sick. That would explain Madam Pomfrey's presence, but why did they went straight to the Whomping Willow?

The nurse raised her wand and levitated a small twig to touch a small bun on tree – it froze immediately. There was a hole between the roots where the boy slid into. Madam Pomfrey stood there for a moment, then turned and left, when the willow began to trash its branches around again. As soon as the nurse vanished inside of castle, Snape moved forward, and so did I. He grabbed a large, thin branch from the ground and touched the same bun, making the tree to freeze again. He wanted to follow the boy, I realized. But – why?

The only way of how to find out was to follow Snape, which I did, moving along the narrow passage that curved and twisted under the ground, looking as if a giant mole had made it. The other boy was not visible anymore, yet the faint sound of footstep ahead of us indicated that he was still here. The passage became more steep, until we saw a spot of light in front of us. Just another turn, and we will reach the end of passage.

"Snape! Wait, stop! Come back here!" suddenly I heard a voice behind us.

Snape spun around, his eyes glowering in anger at the sight of boy who had joined us – I nearly shrieked at his appearance, because at first I thought it was Harry. Only after examining him closer for a few seconds, I realized that his eyes were light brown instead of green, and there was no scar on his forehead.

It was James Potter, Harry's Dad. He came to a halt next to Snape, panting. Apparently he run all the way through the passage to catch Snape before he reaches the other end. without a word, James grabbed Snape's robes and pulled him back by all his might.

"Let me go, Potter!" Snape hissed, trying to get free, but James did not released him. Snape's eyes for a second turned to the end of passage, and he gasped. I turned to follow his gaze, but then I wished I never did that.

The shadow of the figure vanished as soon as we saw it, but it was enough to recognize what it was – a werewolf. In that instant I realized that the boy was Lupin to whom Snape had been following.

"I was right!" Snape panted, too distracted by werewolf's appearance to properly resist James Potter's attempt to drag him back. "He's a werewolf, I knew it!"

"Yeah, right, whatever," James groaned, giving his effort to pull Snape along the passage, back to the Hogwarts. "Mind to move your butt back to the school? Or would you rather prefer facing the werewolf?"

Snape glared at James and wrestled his robes out of the iron grasp. Then he roughly pushed past James and strode towards the exit. James shook his head in slight amusement, then he followed Snape, but I followed them both.

"Should I thank you now?" Snape venomously spat, when they both crawled out of passage (Snape touched the bun to freeze the Whomping Willow, before climbing out of hole between the roots).

"I wasn't doing it for you, y'know," James replied in cold tone, moving away from the tree. "It's just so happens that your death would make her upset, though I don't understand why she's even talking to you."

"Maybe because she prefers brain over brawn, Potter?" the tone Snape used was identical to the one he used to speak with Harry.

"Really, Snivellius?" James grinned. "It's obvious that you lack both, once you could actually take the advice from Sirius. Maybe I should tell her about your dumbness, Snape?" he took one step towards the main entrance. "Yeah, I think I will tell Li – "

"ENOUGH!"

Snape shut his mind by Occlumency so fast and unexpectedly that I fell backwards on the floor.

"I'm sorry – I didn't mean to – " I gasped, too shocked to move, besides I was half-certain that Snape would not hex me while I was lying on the floor, unarmed.

"Well, well, you really don't cease to amaze me, Miss Swan," Snape drawled, standing up and slowly walking around his desk, towering over me. "Who would know that you're capable of such dirty trick!"

"I said, I didn't mean to!" I risked to stand up. "I was just trying to find the answers, once and for all, because whenever I ask you a bit more personal question, you pretend to be deaf."

"Because I'm not going to answer on your questions if you ask about something that is hardly your business."

"Whatever. Since I saw your memories, would you now at least explain what was that about?" I knew I was playing with fire, but the urge to get the answers was too strong.

"You tell me, Miss Swan," Snape leaned against his desk, his face unreadable. "Tell me, what do you think you saw."

I thought about the scene for a moment. "You followed Lupin during the full moon to a place where he transformed – wherever it was – then James Potter appeared and dragged you out of the tunnel before you came face to face with the werewolf. That much is obvious, but – why did you followed him in first place?"

Snape glared at me, then released a deep sigh. "It was a stupid prank, made by James Potter and his friend Sirius Black. They planned it together with Lupin, no doubt. If I had reached the end of tunnel, the werewolf would have killed me – which was their plan, I guess."

"I don't believe that," I shook my head, astonished. "I mean, prank or not, I don't believe that any of them could actually plan to kill someone. You all were just kids!"

"Perhaps you just like your friends are living in delusion about what kind of person James Potter was, but I saw his dark side every day. I was probably the only one who saw him for what he actually was – arrogant, lazy, self-centered – "

"In other words, he was exactly the kind of person that his son is now, is that what you're trying to say?" I grinned, watching Snape's disgusted face as he spoke about James Potter. Indeed, those were the words he used to describe Harry. "What about the girl?"

Snape frowned. "What girl?"

"James mentioned her. He said that she likes you, which was the reason of why he saved you. James even threatened to tell her about the prank Sirius played with you. Who was she?"

"A friend of mine," Snape answered after a moment of silence. "That's all you have to know. Oh, yes, I used to have friends – until I realized that I'm better without them."

He turned his back on me, took the pile of books and shoved them in my hands. I stepped backwards, astonished.

"Professor Snape, I – "

"You mention a word of what you saw to anyone, and our lessons are over!" Snape used the only threat that actually worked. Our private practising was my weak spot, and he knew it.

"I won't, have no worries, sir," I quietly said, wondering when would Snape learn that I would never reveal his private secrets to anyone. Not even to my friends.

Snape glanced at the clock. "Almost eight o'clock. I believe it's time for you to leave. Go back to the common room, enjoy the books, and have some fun."

I stood, now really perplexed. Snape sounded actually nice, as if he really meant what he said. He was not the kind of person to wish something like that for anyone, and here he acted almost friendly. The Head of Slytherin house would never act that way without some hidden reason. Or would he?

I thanked him for the books and left the office, thinking about Snape's change of behaviour as I went upstairs to see if my friends were still in Gryffindor house rooms. What happened to this man? Why did he acted like my best friend in one moment, and turned into the cold-hearted, sarcastic bastard in next?

A sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks in the middle of third floor corridor. I checked the clock again, just to make sure the time was right, then I run to the corridor's window and looked outside. It was sunset, the moment of Buckbeak's execution.

"I told you to return in common room," Snape's voice sounded behind me. "You should not be out here – "

I barely heard him. Hagrid's hut was visible from here. I could not see Buckbeak – he was hidden by the huge pumpkins in Hagrid's garden – but I could tell his location by watching the axeman. I held my breath when he raised his huge weapon high in the air, and watched in disbelief how it fell, ending the hippogriff's life with a dull thud.

"No!" I gasped in disbelief and shock. "This can't be happening!"

And then Snape did something that shocked me even more.

He put his hands on my shoulders, turning me around, away from the window, and pulled me close, ignoring that the books fell out of my hands and scattered on the floor. I struggled to break free, anger and pain warring within my chest, but his arms held me tight against his body, until my resistance crumbled apart, and I broke into tears, pressing my face in his robes, crying my heart out for innocent hippogriff.

Snape said nothing; he merely held me, offering support and silent understanding to my grief. Only then I finally realized why did he invited me in his office in first place – to keep me distracted from what was about to happen. He wanted to protect me from the terrible sight, and in spite of failing, he still offered me at least some comfort. And for that I felt grateful like never before.

After a few minutes, my initial emotional outburst finally subsided. I raised my head and wiped the tears away, forcing a small smile to Snape who released me at the same second.

"Go back to your common room," he said quietly, reaching past me to pick up a small goblet with fuming potion. "I will take this to Professor Lupin. He had to come in my office to fetch it, but I must admit that this man knows nothing of punctuality." He smirked as usual, then squeezed my shoulder in a soothing gesture. "The life is unfair, Miss Swan. And not always we're able to make things right, no matter how much we'd like to."

"It shouldn't be that way," I sniffed, picking the books up. "I know that life is unfair, but – "

Snape looked at me with a strange expression. "You're so stubborn and strong-minded just like – " he paused, then spun around and strode away so fast I barely noticed when did he disappeared around the corner.

I blinked. What was with Snape and those unfinished sentences? I was like – who? Or what?