AN-So I'm skipping about 36 hours in this story. I slept for about the first 48 hours through (and then only was up to go to the car and into the house and into bed, slept for another day and then was back in the hospital). Chemo is going alright. I sleep, become nausous and my wife and kids seem to always be trying to force me to eat. I never realized how painful (physically painful, not too much emotionally) loosing hair would be. AParently someone feels like all my ideas are copied from others. Huu? Only other cancer fic I've seen was started after I submitted the first few chapters. oh well.

Stef laid in the recliner bed staring at her laptop. She was trying to do some paperwork for Captain Robert's but ever couple minutes her eyes wandered to her sleeping wife. She seemed to wake up every few hours but was usually in so much pain she was given pain meds and then fell promptly asleep.

She had to count her blessings though, Lena's breathing mask was gone and with Lena being out of it, the nurse was able to show her how to empty the drains that were on each side of Lena's body. She had left when the nurses changed the bandages, she figured it was Lena's right to show her when she was ready. The kids came and went a few times, but since they weren't allowed more than two at a time, and for only ten minutes at a time, they didn't stay long. Except for Callie and Jude, who Stef had to make go home.

Stef tried not to think of the argument she had already had with Lena's mom, who first thing asked when Lena was going to have reconstruction, and what was going to happen to her hair when she had chemotherapy. She loved Lena's mother, but she was just... Stef could see why Lena got ancy when she came to visit. She was just glad Lena was out cold at the time. Stuart on the other hand, Stef had wished Lena would have opened her eye for him. All he wanted was for her to hear him say 'I love you'.

"mmm," came a moan that made Stef look over.

"Hi Sleeping Beauty," Stef said as she stood up and kissed Lena's lips and stroked her forehead with her thumb, "How are you feeling?"

"Painful, throbbing, it's like the time you acidently kneeled on my boobs and I couldn't sleep on my stomach for three days," Lena said, trying to get a laugh from Stef from their one failed tme of the 69 position.

"Not fair," Stef smiled "Do you want me to go get someone to get you some pain meds, Love?" she asked as she sat carefully on the side of the bed. Lena shook her head.

"In a couple minutes," she said as she let her eyes close, "How are my kids?" she asked as she felt Stef lay a hand on her lower stomach and rub small circles.

"They're all fine."

"Even Callie and Jude?" she asked.

"THey are both fine. I had to force them out of the waiting room and home, but they're fine. Your dad came by. He says to tell you he loves you and he'll come back as soon as you're awake. He took 2 weeks off to come see you."

"And my mom?"

"She said to tell you the same thing," Stef smiled.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm doing ok, Love, I'm glad to see you awake."

"What time is it? What day is it?" Lena asked a little worried.

"It's 9 at night. You had surgery yesterday."

"You should go home and sleep in your own bed for a night," Lena said more confidently then she felt. The last time Stef looked and sounded like this was when Callie was in the hospital. Though now there wasn't anyone to entice her away from the bed.

"I was talking to your doctor," Stef said.

"mmm, what does that have to do about you going home?" Lena asked.

"He said you could go home for a few days if you wanted before you started chemotherapy."

"I can?" Lena asked, perking up a little. Home sounded amazing.

"Yes, as long as we changed your bandages and emptied your drains every 12 hours."

"Bandages meaning all of them?" Lena asked with a hitch in her breath.

"Yes, My Love, but it'll be fine. I'll help you and they'll be done in just a few minutes."

"Maybe I should stay here, have a nurse help me," Lena trailed off.

"You don't have to go home, Baby. But being home would make you feel better, and the kids feel better, even if it's for a few days." Lena laid but didn't say anything, making Stef sigh.

"I'm going to go see about some pain meds, ok? Do you need anything else?" She asked. Lena thought for a moment before shaking her head.

"Thank you," She said finally as Stef stayed for a minute.

"You don't have to thank me, Love, I do wish you would let me in though," Stef said softly as she kissed Lena's forhead. Lena closed her eyes and tried to imagine what it would be like, to let Stef see her. She hadn't even seen it yet. She took a few deep breaths as she heard footsteps coming back, "the nurse will be here in about ten minutes, Love," Stef said as she sat n the edge of the bed, leaning over and pressing her hand on the opisite side of the bed so her body heat radiated through Lena's thighs, causing a calming sensation to run through her, "she says it's time to change your bandages also."

"Oh," Lena said as she clentched her teeth.

"Hey Now," Stef said as she saw her become tense, "I don't have to be in here if you don't want me too. It'll all be fine."

"I don't want to be in here when it happens," Lena mumbled but shook her head, "it'll be fine."

"Hey, Ladies," came a voice with a knock at the door as a nurse came in.

"How are you feeling, Lena?" She asked as she first started a dose of pain medication into her IV.

"It hurts, and it feels, I don't know, almost like... they are still there but were hit really hard or were squished, or, I don't know how to explain it."

"That's normal," The nurse assured, "What causes it is the nerves that were damaged when they removed your breasts, it's called phantom pains. Talk to your doctor when he does his rounds tomorrow and you guys can talk about what to do long term for it."

"Ok, How long does it last?" She asked at the words 'long term'.

"It can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years," the nurse replied as Lena watched her gather supplies, a specimin cup, gauze, saline water, medical tape, gloves, "This is the first time doing it while you're awake, right?" THe nurse asked as she looked through her notes.

"Yes," Lena said a little unsure as she watched it being done.

"So, I'm not actually supposed to do this but I've found a way that makes women the most comfortable. But it would involve Stefanie staying, is that alright?" She asked.

"What does Stef have to do with it?" Lena asked suddenly.

"If it's ok with you, we'll have Stefanie sit behind you so you can rest against her. It helps a lot of women to be able to be close to their partner the first time, or few times it's done. She won't look if you don't want her to, and you will have something to focus on."

Stef smiled, that was the most ingenious idea she had heard, "Ok," Lena nodded a little unsure.

"So first we are just going to raise the head of your bed," The nurse explained as she pressed a button. Lena took a breath as her head spun a little and she started to notice the difference in her top half. When the head of the bed was raised and she tried to sit up she started to panic.

"I can't- I mean, what's going on?" She asked with wide eyes.

The nurse patted her leg gently, "It's because of how much mucle was removed from your chest wall. It'll grow back, but for the moment, sitting upis going to be a struggle. THe pain meds probably also are effecting it."

"Can I help you sit up, Love?" Stef asked surprising Lena.

"Please," Lena smiled, trying to convey how sorry she was to her wife. She had been pushing her away. Stef slipped a hand under Lena's shoulders and lifted her so her wife was sitting upright.

"Ok?" She asked gently as Lena nodded. The nurse and Stef scooted her forward a little in the bed and Stef took her shoes off, sliding behind Lena so her back was against Stef's front, curling her knees she secured her legs underneith Lena's knees so she was stable, "Hi, My Love," Stef said gently as Lena laid back against her shoulder, softly she kissed Lena's neck. Lena smiled back at her as Stef wrapped her arms around Lena's stomach.

"Alright you guys, we'll empty the drains first is that's ok?" She said as she pulled gloves on, "I want you to hold your right arm up as long as you can, and when you can't I'll have Stef hold it up for you," She said as she pulled Lena's gown to the side to reveal a small clear bulb that had red fluid in it. Lena held her arm up for about 30 seconds while the nurse worked quickly to take a square of gauze off. As her arm started to shake from the pain and fatigue, Stef grabbed onto it gently.

"Thank you," She murmered as Stef kissed her temple. The nurse explained how to drain and measure the amount of fluid in the bulb and then how to strip the tubing by stretching it between two fingers to make sure there are no clogs, before rebandaging and securing it and then doing the one on Lena's other side. Stef burried her hand in Lena's curls and slowly massaged the nape of her neck.

"Alright, I know this is the unpleasent part," the nurse said sypathetically as she threw the last of the dirty gauze from her sides away, "Do you want to see? Do you want Stef to see? What would make you more comfortable?" she asked as she stripped off medical tape from the roll.

"Ummm, I don't care," Lena said finally as she turned her head to look at Stef, letting Stef kiss her lips lightly and lean her temple against Lena's. Stef could feel Lena's eyes on her as she watched the nurse carefully pull back tape as Lena flinched against her.

"Hurts?" she asked as she held Lena tighter.

"No, kind of, it's, I don't know, strange, it's numb and sensitive at once," she said as she watched the nurse.

Stef and Lena had looked at pictures of post mastectiomies before this, but nothing could prepare Stef for the dight of her wife, the skin red and angry with black dots of stitches covering her chest, blood caked around then. She was snapped out of it when she felt Lena start to tense, looking over she saw Lena's eyes full of unshed tears she held her tighter, "Baby, look at me," She whispered softly, kissing Lena's temple, sighing when she shook her head, "Baby, this means nothing. You are still just as beautiful, you are still as sexy. YOu are still the amazing woman I married and have 5 kids with" she said as she held Lena tighter when she whimpered at the nurse cleaning her chest, turning her face into Stef's neck and seemingly sheilding her face with Stef's hair. Stef watched carefully as the nurse cleaned and dressed the wounds.

"We're all done," The nurse said gently to Lena who still had her face burried in Stef's neck. Stef could feel hot tears running down her collar bone, "How about I came back in 20 minutes and will lay you back down?" She asked as she saw the way Lena clung to Stef's arms.

"Thank you," Stef smiled softly to the nurse as she hummed softly in Lena's ear before singing softly,

The silence is singing and it's got me to thinking of
so many love songs, so many love songs,
but this one's for you.

Won't be the last one, sure ain't the first
to fall for someone and try to put in words.
They're so many love songs, so many love songs,
but this one's for you.

Oh, and I'm not one to carry on and on.
And I may not be the poetic type, no.
I'm not always the most refined.
Oh but even so, I just want you to know
this is the way I show you how I feel.

You are the rhythm, you are the rhyme.
You are the music and melody and the reason behind why there's
so many love songs, so many love songs,
but this one's for you.