Irina Merkulova

(Quinn)

"How can you eat this?" I tried a little of this vegetarian meat Rachel was eating. "It tastes like paper with salt, pepper and oregano."

"Have you ever eaten paper?" She smiled.

"Everybody eats paper at some point for some crazy reason…"

"Well, how can you eat this?" She pointed to my filet and did a disgusted face. "It's a piece of corpse with a little salt, pepper and oregano."

"But it's a delicious corpse! Do you want to try?" I cut a piece of the meat and offered. Rachel frowned and looked back to her own plate.

We were in a small restaurant near Bad Things' office in Madison. It was, in theory, the last day with my fiancee in a long time we would spend apart. Rachel flights tomorrow to Los Angeles to finish filming the season of Slings and Arrows and then she will travel to New Mexico, where it would be shot the indie film she agreed to be the protagonist. Two more months working at the other side of the country before she come back for good this year. Meanwhile I would keep my mind very busy: I will start to wake up early to catch a train to New Rochelle, go to Bad Things' studios and start filming the half hour comedy my bosses created for NBC. We had some pre-production going on: everything needed to be perfect for the actors arriving and start the real job, as is the rest of the support and production staff.

Theoretically, I would always have the Fridays off and the weekends since I have been shifted to the series and would fulfill its workload. It meant that I also have to work from six in the morning until two in the morning if it would be needed. And that's why the studio has a few dormitories for the staff in case someone doesn't have a home or hotel to go in New Rochelle, or unwilling to go back to Manhattan that day. I don't know if would face a journey of an hour with exchange stations after midnight to be back at seven in the morning. No way! It was better to sleep in the studio. I also had no car that could take me home to work in half hour.

But it wasn't what dominated my thoughts at that moment: Rachel and I will get married.

"I was thinking of a surprise dinner to break the news to our families." I digressed. We didn't tell before because of the mourning for Rachel's grandmother. It would be unpleasant shoot this kind of news days after the funeral. "We could do it after you back home in early October. What do you think?"

"It's more elegant and formal than do it by phone, for sure."

"Or shoot it in your parent's wedding party." I teased.

Rachel blushed. She regretted bitterly for doing that: shooting between friends and strangers an engagement that even lasted. But now we needed to think of something mature and serious.

"So we will officially be engaged at this dinner. We can do it right here in New York. This part is not difficult to do. I'm sure my parents would come, and we can send a ticket to your mother."

"I think it would be easier if we go to Columbus."

"But New York is the place where our story began."

"Actually, it's McKinley High, Lima. But I wouldn't be engaged at the choir room in the middle of teenagers I've never seen before just because Mr. Schue is still there… and Finn Hudson!" Rachel laughed at my observation.

"Indeed! I know it's easier doing it in Ohio, but New York is the right choice."

"Ok…"

"Now, what do we do with your father now that you're talking to him again?"

"For those who won't be at dinner, we will give a call. This is the case of my father and my sister... I think. For the rest of our relatives, we should let the family itself spread the news."

"So, we can do a dinner at my house and some specific official phone calls."

"Your place?" I raised my eyebrow.

"Yes, my place. It's more intimate and informal than go to a restaurant, and we can't do it at your place, for sure. We can make dinner ourselves!"

"It could be..." This led to another topic. "And how will it be when we get married?"

"How so?"

"Will we have our own place?"

"Doesn't my apartment count?" Rachel frowned. "I thought when we get married you would move in."

"But what about Santana?"

"What about her?"

"It's her place too, right?"

"For now, we can't afford a new apartment in a good neighborhood, and it would be silly to rent one since we have a huge place. Of course I want a place just to us here in New York, but I see no reason to rush things, sell the apartment only to split the money between us and Santana, and buy something not as nice. I think we can share some spaces with my sister at least in the beginning until we can have our own place here. And, don't forget that we do have a nice house in Santa Monica in case you want to spend some time in California next year with me."

I thought reasonable. In addition, knowing Santana, she would want to get out of there as fast as she can. I could even make a prediction: after her graduation next year, she will have to work full time in Weiz Co. and start her cast as heir of the company. Certainly she will have a great pay check and will be able to buy an apartment or rent one in a heartbeat. And it's very likely that Caleb Weiz will give her another apartment as a graduation gift.

"Okay, so let's announce the engagement at a dinner after you finish the movie and I move in after the wedding day." I stared. "We need to choose a date. Do you have any in mind?"

"We could set the date for November or early December."

"I would marry you today, Rach, but we can think of December. It's the best date thinking on pragmatic issues. I can take two weeks of vacation and splice it with the holiday's break. Unless you are against marry close to your birthday day, Hanukkah or Christmas."

"We'll find a good day, for sure."

"And about our names?"

"Do you want to discuss the names here, now?" She seemed puzzled. "I don't think so, miss Fabray. I won't give up my Berry-Lopez so easy."

"Berry-Lopez-Fabray is too long."

"We always can cut the Fabray!"

"So let discuss the names later. We're only here for the general plans... what's missing?" I forced my mind to see the mental list of things I wanted to discuss with my fiancée. "Reception!" I suddenly said. "Will we have one?"

"Of course we will!" Rachel said a bit loud catching the attention of the couple of the next table. Then, she said almost whispering. "I think reasonable to have a small reception only to our family and close friends. Our marriage needs to be confidential, Quinn. I think about doing something for 70 people maximum. Maybe less."

"It seems a lot of people to maintain secrecy."

"Not so much. We're..." And she paused to count on the fingers quickly. "Twenty people in my family side and about six of yours."

"Why only six of my side? I might want to invite... whatever... my grandfather Penn!"

"The one you never see or talks about because he's anti-gay ex-preacher and would have a heart attack if he knew your true sexuality? How long have you not participated in a meeting of your families or speak with your aunts? You know all my cousins, but I never saw a single one of yours!"

"You have a point."

"So! We will invite our close family." She emphasized the world close this time. "And our older friends: Johnny, Mike, Santiago, Brittany, Kurt and Mercedes."

"No one else from Lima? From our glee club?"

"When was the last time we spoke to Tina? Or Artie or Sam or even Puck, who is the father of your kid? Besides, I doubt you'd want to see Finn in our marriage. At most, I would invite Mr. Schue and Emma."

"You have a point… again. I would also invite Roger. Whether or not he was very important to us." I knew Rachel didn't like our ex-boss, but Roger is still my friend and he was the one who gave that card that changed our lives forever.

"We will think about this list another time."

"Okay."

My phone rang. It was a text message and hurried to check. I was at lunch time and never knew when they would need me for something.

"I got the job. Thanks for the tip NinjaQ. I owe you a lunch" - Jane

I smiled and it caught Rachel attention, who looked at me with suspicion.

"Who send you a message that made you open that smile?"

"Jane." I showed the message to Rachel. It had nothing to hide.

"It's that little hipster girl who sang with you that your graduation party at the pub?" She was still in suspicious tone. "And what the hell is NinjaQ?"

"It's just a nickname she put on me because she says I have ninja skills for photography and cinematography things. That's all. The job she's talks about was to be a production assistant for a short film Lewis is doing. Apparently, she got the job." I hold my fiancée hand. "Jane is harmless, and she's straight."

"Oh, so you have discussed about sexuality?"

"Everyone of Bad Things knows I'm gay, Rach. Unlike you, I don't need to hide it."

"And everyone of my family knows I'm with you, Quinn, as well my closest friends. I don't need to hide it from the people that matters. In fact, you will have the chance voice to all your problems today at the therapy, right? I hope you make good use of it for the sake of our future marriage."

I had an appointment with the psychologist after my shift. Santana paid my first visit and even used an extra for some privileges. She thinks I don't know this, but I swore reward her in some way. The psychologist was the same she consulted last year. This doctor also has patients from Weiz Co. and Santana assured that if she could handle with a bunch of complexed business guys, certainly she could handle me. I wasn't so sure. The truth is that I was afraid of the doctor could see in me. I was afraid to face my demons.

We finished lunch and pay our bills. Rachel wanted to pay everything, but I thought better each bear our own consumption. And I needed to use my food stamps. She hates when I use my blue collar benefits. So what? I'm a blue collar worker. All though a cinema area, but still, I'm the working class. Being camera operator in cinema is very different from being a mere cameraman as some ignorant insisted saying. I have to precisely execute the movements ordered by the director and cinematographer. I am often the communication link between them at the time of filming. I'm the one who focus dial. Believe it or not, you need to rehearse with the actors to apply the techniques properly. I have to do all kinds of report involving shake issues, problems of focus or brightness. If I don't know the right techniques, if I don't understand photography, the work is lost. In often accumulated some functions of first assistant camera. I mounted and dismounted equipment, made the previous tests and everything. I still had the experience of being a director of photography on other occasions, which facilitated, and my communication with others involved.

In any case, regardless of our marriage, I was determined not to be intimidated with grotesque wage gap between me and Rachel. She had a credit card with world size limit. I had food stamps and transportation vouchers, a basic health insurance plan provided by the company, plus a small salary, but a decent one, and I had a lot of my sweat there.

"Do you go to my place after your appointment?" She asked.

"It's the plan." Of course I would spend the night with Rachel knowing that she would go to California the next morning.

We hugged before leaving. No kissing in public, especially on the lips, like we used to before. All because, for the general public, that was Rachel Berry: the heterosexual actress. I tried not to think about it. Rachel took a cab and I go back to the office on foot.

Time ran in the afternoon and when I found myself, I had to run to the south of Manhattan, where is Irina Merkulova's office. She's Russian naturalized American, graduated in Brown with doctorate degree at Stanford. I looked at her resume on the Internet. Her academic history justified the fee. I knew I couldn't afford weekly visits: maybe twice a month if I can join the group of probono patients. My certainty is that my health insurance didn't cover a treatment with her. I arrived in SoHo at the last minute. Not for consultation, but by the time her receptionist asked me to come in advance with the first contact. The office was in the corner building between Broadway and Prince Street. It was a nicely decorated space, yet unobtrusive. I went to the counter and I was panting. The receptionist looked at me and I could read her face: "what this girl is doing here?"

"I have an appointment with doctor Merkulova. I'm scheduled at seven. My name is Quinn Fabray." I showed my I.D. She glanced at the computer, took some papers on a clipboard and handed me.

"First time, right?" I nodded. "Fill out these forms with the greatest possible degree of accuracy and delivered me once you finish."

"May I ask why?"

"It's for your file and the doctor needs a minimum previous knowledge about you, right?"

It made perfect sense. I sat on a sofa and tried to answer the forms. I began to understand why it was necessary to arrive early at the first visit: I had to do that part. It seemed that I was filling a census form. Full name, age, sex, address, ethnicity, sexual orientation, marital status, income, immigration, education, profession, religion, parents, children, siblings, etc. The second form ask about my health history: if had done surgery, if I was doing some kind of treatment, if I suffered some phobia or taking prescription medication, if I had already sought a psychologist before, how would I describe my emotional state, if I smoke, drink, do drugs, etc. The third and last was milder. It asked about eating habits, if I do regular exercise, my reading habits, literary genres I like, what I like to do on my free time. I failed to answer more than predicted because it is difficult to reveal certain things with maximum possible accuracy. Do I drink? Yes, I do. How much? I would respond socially, but a Santana wouldn't hesitate to classify me as an almost alcoholic person.

I returned the forms to the receptionist and she put everything in a new folder labeled with my name. She asked me to wait to be called, than she forced a three-second smile at me before knocked the door and delivers my file to the doctor. It was Friday, the receptionist was a young woman relatively attractive that should have a boyfriend waiting for her after work. Well, good news, dear receptionist: I'm in the same board. I also have my lover waiting for me. After ten minutes, the door opened and a woman about 40 years old called my name.

"Miss Fabray." She smiled and held out her hand to greet me. "I'm Irina Merkulova. Come in."

The office had almost the same style like as the reception room. It had nice light colors in the walls, no heavy wooden shelves. It was like a good room with a few quirks. There was the traditional divan that played the sofa, two armchairs, abstract paintings, a coffee table with a kind of vase full of objects like balls tightening. A pot next door had candies. In the corner of the room there was a table, chair, computer, personal items such as picture frames, and diplomas on the wall.

"Make yourself comfortable, Miss Fabray. Sit wherever you want."

I nodded and chose the armchair and I was silent waiting for the doctor. She wasn't particularly pretty, but she knew how to dress classy. Her hair was short, no glasses, high heels, and a tablet in hand, besides the file with my forms. I was facing a stylish mature woman who naturally intimidated anyone.

"Can I have one of these balls?" I asked. It would be useful to relieve tension.

"Of course. You also can take a candy or a gum over there. Or drink some water or herbal tea, but you can't drink coffee. That's mine."

I chose a soft blue ball and started manipulating it in hands while the doctor seemed to look inside my head.

"Very well, Miss Fabray, or could I call you Lucy?"

"I'd rather be called Quinn, although many of my friends call me by my surname. You decide." I said awkwardly.

"So you can call me Irina, Quinn."

"Thank you, Irina."

"All right, Quinn. I must say that you gave me an interesting read through these forms. I'm facing a young beautiful woman, recently graduated at NYU, no apparent health problems, with normal habits for someone at your age, but who identifies as gay, Christian, besides being a teenage mother."

"Yes." I was embarrassed. "Except that I gave my kid to adoption after her born. So, I'm a mother, but not… a mother."

"Right…" She wrote something. "Why do you decide to seek a psychologist?"

"I..." It was very difficult for me to open myself. But once I was there, so it was better to face the pump. "I was convinced by one of my best friends... my soon to be sister-in-law, actually. I've been going through some turmoil in my personal life and she said maybe talk about it with a professional could help."

"How did you find me?"

"This friend of mine is Santana Berry-Lopez. You treated her last year. She said I could trust on you, so, here I am."

"If she is your soon to be sister in law, it means you're not so single."

"Oh, I forgot to specify. Sorry. I'm engaged."

"Ok." She made another note. "And those turmoil's that made you come here?"

"It's a long story, doctor. Sorry… Irina."

"That's why we're here."

Irina looked at and I took a deep breath.

"I'm living a long and serious relationship with an actress for five years. The one I'm engaged now. We had a short break two years ago that shook me a lot. I started drinking a little too much. Not everyday, of course. But I noticed that I've been drinking more than my friends when we do it together. I don't think it's a real problem, but Santana thinks it is."

"There are other things afflicting you?"

"My relationship to begin with. My girlfriend, I mean, fiancée, has a career on the rise and our relationship need to stay away from the public eye. When she proposed me…" I couldn't help but smile. "I said yes, but that doesn't mean some things will change after our marriage. We will have to live something secret."

"Does that bother you more than you think it should?"

"It's not easy. Not that I have pride rainbow flag, go to gay pubs and everything. I don't say loud my sexuality to the world, but I also don't hide it, and it has never caused me problems. Rachel... that's her name... she... she comes from an unorthodox family. She was raised by two gay parents. I mean, one of them is bisexual and he's married to a woman now... complicated story. When she does interviews, she reaffirms her support for gay rights and tells her story. The fans love it. The industry loves it. She, herself, is gay, but she has to pose as straight. And I have to stay in the shadows. I know she's not the only one doing it, but it's difficult to live with this hypocrisy. So yeah, it bothers me."

"Would you put her career in an alleged risk because of the nature of your relationship?"

"No way!" I blurted. "I would never hurt her that way."

"Even deep inside?" Irina faced me for the first time since I arrived and I couldn't answer it. As my answer didn't come, she sought to move on. "We will work on it later… So, you had a daughter at 16 but you put her for adoption. Do you have any contact with her?"

"When I put her for adoption, I gave up all my rights. But funny story: Shelby adopted her and about seven or eight months later, she started dating Juan Lopez. Shelby is the biological mother of Rachel and Santana, and Juan is their father… the bisexual one. I've been seen my daughter since then."

"This is… wow. There are many seams between you and your fiancée's family, right?"

"Tell me about it... anyway, this year they decided to tell the truth to Beth, my daughter, and she began to reject me. Before knowing, she was friendly to me."

"What did you do?"

"I went to my mother's house, cried a lot and I got drunk."

"Just kill me a curiosity, Quinn. When you first get involved with Rachel, did you know that her parents had adopted your daughter?"

"Oh, this is very complicated. My story with Rachel began before that. Before I got pregnant."

"But you said you have a five-year relationship, that means you started dating when you were 18."

"When I was 17 and half, actually. I had a secret crush on Rachel since I was 15. I was a popular girl raised by a homophobic parents, the winner one. She was the local underdog diva raised by gay dads, the loser one. Our worlds could never mix, still, they mixed thanks to the school's glee club. At that time I was very confused about my sexuality and tried to go out with boys. I got pregnant from a guy who wasn't even my boyfriend. Again, I drank a little too much and trust on this guy about protection. He said we were safe, but he lied."

"What happened after that, besides you getting pregnant?"

"I said to the whole school that the father's kid was my boyfriend at the time: the one I've never slept with."

"What?"

"He was dumb enough to believe that he got me pregnant when he ejaculated at the Jacuzzi."

"What?" This time Irina couldn't help but laughed. What I could say: it was funny!

"Anyway, Puck, the real father, took my virginity in the day we conceived Beth. He was the only one at school that knew the truth when I told everybody that Finn got me pregnant. Eventually everybody knew the truth, but before that, Finn went to my house for a dinner and he told my parents that I was pregnant. My father disowned me and threw me out. Finn gave me shelter, and after the truth came out, I had others shelters thanks my glee club friends. Anyway, that's when I decided to put my kid for adoption. I couldn't keep her being a homeless teen. Even when my mother asked me to come back, I still couldn't. A crazy woman tried to adopt my kid, but thank God it didn't work. Then, Shelby showed up. She was living her own issues with her daughters because, like me, she gave them up, but unlike me, Rachel and Santana were designed in the laboratory and Shelby got pregnant already under a contract. She tried to contact Rachel and Santana after 16 years but things didn't work. So, she decided to adopt a child and Beth was just there, newly born."

"Do you regret it?"

"I don't know… I…"

One more question I couldn't truly answer. Actually, I've never stopped to think about it. Watching my silence, Irina let me breath a little bit.

"What about your father?"

"What about my father?"

"You said your mother asked you to come back home. What about your father?"

"He wasn't there. He was having an affair, my mother found out and filed for divorce. Only then she took me back. As for my father, he moved out to Texas and is married again. I didn't talk with him for seven years. Then, he came to my graduation at NYU and we started talking again. Not much… baby steps, you know."

"Does he know you're homosexual?"

"Yup. My older sister told him."

"When did you told to your family about your sexuality?"

"After a few months dating Rachel, when I was already living here in New York. I told my mother by phone and at Thanksgiving I found out she didn't digest well the news. It took a while for her accept that I am gay and also my relationship with Rachel."

"And when did you realize that you're homosexual."

"I've always found women more attractive and I had this crazy crush on Rachel. But I think the first time I came out to myself was when I was dating a guy called Sam. We had sex but it didn't feel right. Them I had sex with a woman for the first time. It was just a one night stand, but, damn, it made me know."

"Right…" Irina wrote more. At least she was paying attention. "And you're a cinematographer."

"Yes, I am."

"Are you working on cinema?"

"Almost… I'm working as a camera operator and photographer at Bad Things Productions. Until today I was at its agency, but next week I will start working at New Rochelle studios filming a comedy series produced by Bad Things for NBC."

"So, are you happy at work?"

"Yes, I am. It's not a place I earn a good salary, but I feel like I am valued. I was hired months before I graduate, I have a great coordinator and I'm doing what I've been studing for. That's all I wanted for now."

"For now?"

"Oh, I studied to be a cinematographer, to direct things. I have been filmed small productions, but I seek the great productions. For now it's nice doing TV, but it is not my goal as a professional."

"Let me recap, Quinn. You grew up in a traditional family and I assume with conservative foundations." I nodded. "You had relationship problems with your family due to teenage pregnancy and also because of your sexual orientation." I nodded again. "You're in a relationship with an actress who can't take you publicly, and that her parents adopted your daughter." I nodded again. "So you started having some personal problems and started drinking alcohol. Assuming you don't have many professional problems, your personal problems are the origin of your main inner demons." It looks like she got the big picture. "One more question for today: you said you're in love with Rachel from high school but began a relationship with her in New York or something. But you're from Ohio..."

"Excuse the mess. We are all from Ohio. Rachel and I come from a small town called Lima and we were part of the glee club. In our Junior year, our glee club qualified for the Nationals in New York. One producer was there looking for good and super cheap actors and singers to explore in his off-off Broadway musical play. He pre-selected some people: Rachel, Santana and a friend of ours, Mike Chang, stayed for the audition. Rachel and Mike managed to get the part, I got a trainee job in producing and Santana would be here anyway because she had to study in Stuyvesant High. We all moved together to New York at ours 17 and 18 years old and we basically had to survive by ourselves. I mean... the twins always had help and protectors, but Mike and I had to work our asses off."

"Then, to put the icing on the cake, after all you've been through, you're studying, working and surviving in the largest city of our country since you were 18 and was still in high school?"

"Basically."

"You support a lot of pressure, Quinn, and maybe it's time to talk about all these problems before they turn into serious trouble. Some researchers, including me, believe that the first step to develop a disease is in the psychic field, when your mind isn't balanced enough, when you have a lot of unsolved problems, and when your soul, if you believe on it, is kind of broken. In a second step, it go to the field of sensations. It's a headache here, a thrill there, a tightening in the chest, a weight in the stomach, you have certain impulses, develops vices and foibles. The third stage is the manifestation of the disease itself, which can be a lot of things: ulcer, alcoholism, cancer, and all the diseases that can have emotional origin. You're already at the second stage: the sensations. It means that the accumulation of unresolved things you keep inside is leaving out somehow. I think I can help you deal with your problems in the area of psychology. And what are the weapons that we use? Our conversations here, and I can teach you some therapeutic tricks, some techniques that will make you feel better. I will help you facing your inner demons. It's not easy, but it's a job you must do. Are you willing to do that?"

"I think so. The problem is that I don't know if I can continue. You are a great professional, but I can't afford this treatment... This appointment was paid by Santana..." She looked at me in a way that made me embarrassed. It was so humiliating to confess such thing. "It's not that I want anything for free, because I always paid for my things since I got here, but you are a high profile professional, and I can't..."

How could I afford $300 each session? It was simply impossible within my current possibilities. Not when I had to pay part of the rent, fees and grocery shopping. And there was a wedding coming on. Irina went to her table in the office and picked up some papers.

"I think I can and I want help you, Quinn. You will go to my secretary and give it to her. Then you will book our next session next week. If you always paid for your things, how about you pay $50 for each session. Do you think you can afford it?"

"You do not need..."

"I call it a plan to some special patients."

"But..."

"This is my proposal. The decision to accept or not is yours, Quinn."

"Well..." I opened a smile. "I think I'll take it."

"Great. When you dial your next visit, tell her the session price I did to you. "

"Thank you, Irina. Thank you so much." I got up from her armchair and Irina walked me to the door.

I went to her secretary and did exactly what I was asked. The secretary didn't question when I said that my sessions would cost $50. She simply made a note in my file and booked the next session. I didn't know set and I felt when I left that office, but if I could point a sense, this would be hope. I took a bus toward Upper Side in quiet day in New York.

When I got in Rachel's building, my future home, I took the elevator and found the door already open. Rachel greeted me with a nice kiss and then led me to the kitchen. It was almost nine o'clock and she was still expecting me to dinner. Santana had done her meal, for a change, and was working in her office.

"How was it?" Rachel was eager to know about my session.

"It was only a presentation of my inner big picture, but I liked it. Santana was right: it was good and I think Irina can help me."

"That's good!"

We continue our dinner. Santana went through the kitchen and picked up a packet of cookies. She looked more like a zombie with a frown in her face: sign that we should stay away. Even so I approached and placed a kiss on her cheek. Santana was surprised by my gesture.

"Thank you... for everything." She softened her features and nodded.

"I'm always saving your life, Fabray. Remember this!"

This was the old Santana I love. She turned her back with the packet of biscuits in hand and went back to the studio/office. Rachel hugged me from behind and put her chin on my shoulder.

"I was waiting for you because I have no one to rub my back in the bath."

"I can help you if you want." I said looking seduce.

Rachel smiled, held my hand and led me to her bedroom. Our future bedroom.