Being Dysfunctional Has Never Been So Much Fun
Short #10: Cheese

"So when do you put it in the kiln?"

"I already told you, Gaap, you don't make cheese by baking milk in a kiln."

"What about an oven, then?"

"No," said Virgilia, "cheese is not made by heating milk. I don't know where you heard that, but it's not true. Banish the thought from your mind. And please stop pestering me about unimportant trivia; I'm not an encyclopaedia. If you're so curious about it, read a book."

Gaap made a face. "If I'm going to read, I'd rather read a book with a plot. Why would anybody want to research how cheese is made? That sounds boring."

Virgilia's left eye twitched.

"If it's so boring, then why are you asking me? Rather; let me rephrase that. Why have you been asking me that incessantly for the past half hour?"

"I was just curious." Gaap smiled cheekily. "Anyway, if you're so smart, O High and Mighty Virgiliaaaa-" (somehow it managed to annoy Virgilia more when Gaap use her full name), "-then how is cheese made?"

"I don't know. I never professed to knowing that. Now can we please end this-"

"You don't know? You don't know how cheese is made and yet you still tried to shoot down my theory?"

"I only 'shot down your theory', as you called it, because you're obviously wrong. You do not need to be a… a… a professional cheese-maker to know heating milk does not create cheese; it creates warm, unappetising milk!"

By this point Virgilia was fighting against her own vocal chords, trying to keep them soft and smooth as her anger mounted- but she was fighting a losing battle. Once exclamation marks wormed their way into the ends of her sentences, she knew she'd already been defeated.

The smirk on Gaap's face told Virgilia, quite clearly, that Gaap knew.

She knew she was winning.

And she loved it.

"Heating milk does make cheese!" Gaap persisted. "That was how it was discovered. Somebody left a pot of milk on a hot stone in the sun, and when they came back it had turned into cheese!"

Virgilia sighed; tried to take in a deep breath. Tried to calm down.

When she next spoke, it was through gritted teeth; "That's. Not. True."

"Reaaalllyyy?~ You can't say that unless you know the truth for yourself! Until you tell me your explanation of how cheese is made, I see no reason to stop believing in mine!"

"…Please stop talking to me."

There was a very long pause. Virgilia tried to calm her breathing; tried to clear her mind of thoughts; tried to imagine she was a tree swaying in the breeze or a ripple on the surface of the water.

"Hey Lia~"

She was tranquil.

"Virgilia~~"

She was relaxed.

"Publius Maro Virgiliaaaa~~~"

She was-

"How do you make cheese?"

It was at this point Virgilia finally snapped.

"I don't FUCKING KNOW how CHEESE is made, GAAP."

"Gyahaha!~ Aww, your flushed face is so hot... pfffttt hahahahaha!~ Why are you getting so angry over something so trivial anyway, Liiia?"

Virgilia grabbed hold of a handful of her own hair and screamed.

19/01/2012: The first 10 oneshots have all been edited slightly to make them more pleasant to read.