Chapter 10 – When I Said That I Love You

I meant that I love you forever.

After a few more hours of chatting with Jess and Lane, Rory left the diner and walked back to her house. At the center of her thoughts was her impending walk with Jess. She wasn't quite sure about his intentions and that made her nervous, especially after their last meeting.

She hadn't realized how it would look for her to go to one of Jess's Truncheon book functions alone, but after he'd kissed her, she'd recognized her mistake immediately. Rory faintly recalled the feeling of his lips on hers, though she'd spent a great deal of time suppressing the memory after it had happened.

When he'd asked if everything was fixed and she'd replied affirmatively, she hadn't thought of Logan as something that needed fixing. But the memory of Jess's words ('I thought everything was fixed') and her reply ('everything but him') suddenly flashed through her mind, and she wondered what Jess had thought of that. She must have sounded like she wanted to be free of Logan.

Maybe he thinks we are going to get back together? I am in Stars Hollow alone so it might look as though… Rory reflected pensively.

She sighed. Before she'd went into the diner, she'd been so certain they were only friends, and now the thought of them getting back together didn't seem so bad. In fact, Rory reflected miserably, it sort of feels right.

"No," she muttered to the summer night as she walked on. She wasn't going to be that girl again; the girl that fell for the bad boy in town and left her perfectly acceptable boyfriend in the dust for a relationship that was doomed to fail.

Though, Jess isn't really the bad boy anymore, Rory reasoned. He's grown up, more mature and responsible. He even wrote a book. As for Logan… perfectly acceptable… ha! He cheated on me. He drinks too much. And he changed me.

Rory knew it was immature to blame Logan for all the changes that she was now fixing, but the changes all coincided with his entrance in her life. '

One comment about the way she dressed and suddenly, Rory was asking her grandmother for nicer clothing. Another comment regarding her hairstyle and suddenly Rory's normally style and dye free hair was full of bouncy curls, bangs, and hair dye. And of course, Rory thought bitterly, all of the comments about my boring lifestyle didn't help. Now, instead of reading or watching movies, Rory was out partying and drinking her time away.

Well, Logan. Not anymore. When you come back, I'm going to be the real Rory again, and I hope for the sake of our relationship you can handle it.

She glanced at the time on her cell phone and quickened her pace. The diner closed in five minutes, and Jess was going to meet her at her house five minutes after.

---

Fifteen minutes later, Rory heard a small knock. She put down her novel and made her way to the door, revealing Jess as she opened it.

She smiled. Something about the way he held his hands behind his back was oddly familiar.

"Hey. Ready to go?" he asked, gesturing outside.

Rory nodded and grabbed her jacket, closing the door behind her. "So, where to?" she asked.

Jess shrugged. "Doesn't matter. I just needed some fresh air and some company." They walked past Babette's house and the sight of Piermont caused Rory to laugh.

"What?" Jess asked and his eyes followed Rory's gaze. "Ah, good ol' Piermont. You know, I heard a deviant once stole him."

"You heard right. But luckily, that deviant returned him safe and sound."

"Thank god," Jess replied with a small chuckle. "The entire town was in uproar."

Smiling, Rory changed the subject. "So, you chose me for company on your venture for fresh air? I'm flattered."

"Don't be. It was either you or Kirk."

"Hilarious," Rory retorted. "So, are you meeting Kirk at a later time then? Maybe have a little moonlit dinner? I don't know if Lulu would like that."

"Hilarious," Jess mocked back. "And who is Lulu?"

"Oh, didn't you hear? Kirk has a girlfriend. He even lives with her."

"Miracles and wonders abound."

Smiling, Rory pulled on her jacket.

He glanced at her and said, "You look good. I like the wardrobe change."

"Oh, well, thanks," Rory said, glancing down at her blue t-shirt, jeans, and converse sneakers. "But this is what I wore to the diner."

"I know. I meant your wardrobe change in general. The last time I saw you, you were wearing some fancy jacket, overdone hair, and uncomfortable shoes. You looked like a rich Lorelai."

"What's wrong with that?" Rory asked crossly. "My mother has a great sense of style."

"I know she does. And it suits her. However, all of that…it's just not you."

His words hung in the air and Rory desperately wanted to tell him of her plan for rediscovery. However, after Logan's reaction, she wasn't sure she wanted to see Jess's response. She knew he would be positive about it, encouraging her to be herself again, which would just make her feel more angry towards Logan for not being supportive.

Therefore, instead of admitting her plan, she remained silent, crossing her arms.

"Look, Rory, when I saw you at your grandparents' house, I was shocked. You were so different. You looked fake, like you'd stepped out of a Louie Vitton store. You were living with your rich grandparents in Hartford. And you were fighting with Lorelai. You weren't the Rory I'd known at all."

"Everybody changes, Jess, especially in college," Rory snapped angrily, pausing at a corner and looking away. Suddenly, she felt irritated with Jess. What does he know?

She wasn't sure exactly why she felt so aggravated in the first place. Jess was only pointing out what she had been noticing herself in the last few days, but something about his disapproving tone bothered her immensely.

Jess stopped walking too and seized Rory's hand, causing her to uncross her arms and look back at him. He stared evenly into her eyes and said, "Yes, I know everyone changes. Hell, I did. But you practically evolved, though I don't like using that word because it insinuates better, which wasn't the case. That jerk took an intelligent, sweet, small town girl, and turned her into an appearance-obsessed, alcoholic socialite who gave up on school just because that rich jerk's father told her she wasn't good enough."

Rory's irritation faded instantly, though she looked away and pulled her hand out of his, feeling him recoil slightly as she did. She couldn't help but wonder if it meant something about how he felt about her.

His words hurt, though Rory knew it was mostly because they were true. Jess had voiced all her fears regarding who she'd become. Even though she was changing back, she was unhappy with the memories of that 'Rory'.

"Jess…just so you know, I'm still with Logan," she told him tentatively.

In lieu of replying, Jess nodded and stared at the ground as he walked. Rory watched his back straighten, his profile stoic in the moon light, and her heart squeezed painfully.

"I never really thanked you," Rory softly said.

Jess glanced up at her. "Thanked me?"

"For pulling my head out of my ass at that bar. I made up with Mom pretty soon after and returned to Yale."

Jess crossed the street, and Rory followed suit. "Well, you're welcome. I'm glad it helped."

"I have something to tell you."

"Huh. What's that?"

"I've spent a lot of time in the last week realizing how different I am and how I don't like it. It started after Logan left for London. I just looked around our apartment and felt like I didn't fit in anymore. So, I drove home to Stars Hollow, making a pact that I would "rediscover" myself this summer," Rory said quickly, feeling rather childish as she confessed.

"Sounds like a good idea. Sounds like a very good idea," Jess said, nodding his head. "Maybe once you start reading again, you'll find a better favorite than Goldman."

"Oh, coming from the guy who loves Harry Potter?"

"I do not love Harry Potter. I only said that I had read them ONCE and thought they weren't so bad. It's not like I'm a Potterhead."

"Fine, fine. What is your favorite book then?" She asked curiously.

"Well, at risk of sounding clichéd, Catcher in the Rye."

The answer was cliché, but Rory thought that if anyone was entitled to enjoy that novel, it was Jess. "It's a good choice. Suits you."

They continued to walk around the town, chatting about Jess's life in Philadelphia and Rory's time at Yale, minus Logan. He talked about how much he enjoyed reading, editing, and publishing underground writers' work at the Truncheon while Rory discussed the incredible ideas she had encountered in her classes, the two occasionally arguing pleasantly over some of them.

"I didn't take you for a Kant sort of man," Rory said with a small smile.

"Oh, I'm not," Jess answered. "However, I understand the validity of his argument. Deontology states that morality must be consistent because emotions and consequences can be unpredictable. I think that's true."

"I agree. However, Kant places far too much emphasis on duty, which is a problem in its self when considering cross-cultural application. And while emotions and consequences can be unpredictable, does that give us the volition to ignore them? Plus, Kant provides no guidelines for selecting which universal principle to follow if a person is caught between two conflicting moral principles. And Kant assumes that the major principles are passed on, which isn't necessarily the case—"

"I have something to tell you," Jess said, interrupting Rory's long-winded rebuttal.

"Oh, okay," she said. Suddenly, Rory glanced around and realized that somehow, the two of them had ended up at the bridge.

A part of her wanted to laugh. It was so trite that she would end up here with Jess because she could never come to this place without thinking of him. She thought of it as their special spot and after he had left, she'd come out here to just think of him, letting memories like the picnic lunch and the night after the dance marathon wash over her.

"Rory, I love you. And I know, deep down, that you know I love you. You read the dedication, and I kissed you in Philly. And I think you know that Logan isn't the one for you." He paused, and Rory looked at the ground. She didn't want to hear his words, but she couldn't seem to walk away. Or say anything for that matter.

"But I'm not going to rush into something. I won't start dating you immediately after you and Logan are done. We did that before and it didn't work out, though I'll be the first to admit there were a lot of other factors. After tonight, I'm not going to bring this up again. I just… I want you to know that no matter what, even if you and I remain just friends, you will always be my Daisy."

He kissed her softly on the cheek and walked away, his silhouette, illuminated by the moon, fading in the darkness as his feet carried him away from her.

Sighing, Rory began walking home, her mind feeling very jumbled and confused. Only three hours ago, she had been so certain of where she and Jess stood. Now, all she knew was that her mind and heart were with two very different beings.

A/N: I hope this was enough of a Lit fix for my more impatient readers:) I've thought it over a lot, and though some people's arguments were very persuasive, I've decided that I won't rush Rory and Jess's relationship. Rory needs to grow up and realize a) that she's her own person and who that person is and b) that Jess and her are made for each other! However, she has to do the first one before her and Jess can truly be happy.

EDIT: This is my first chapter with my lovely beta, Hallon! I'm sure you will all notice (and appreciate!) the improvement she has generated. :) The "Hell, I did" comment from Jess is all hers!