CHAPTER 9

Clarke's Frozen Heart

The look on Finn's heartbroken face hurt you the most. You don't want to hurt anyone. You didn't plan on it. You made a promise to Finn that you would marry him but circumstances have change. Something has changed. You can't run away from your problems anymore. You can't love Finn because you are already in love with someone else.

You were willing to marry him before the accident happened because before there was no one. You thought that you could love him in time or you could be happy with him.

But it's impossible now. Your heart was awake again. Your stupid foolish heart is in love with another woman again. A woman who broke your heart and tear it into million pieces.

That's why you can't marry Finn. You can't lie to him anymore. The accident changed you. The accident made your frozen heart vulnerable to love again. Finn is a nice guy and he deserved to know the truth. You were willing to settle down before with him but you couldn't now. Finn deserved someone better. And that someone is definitely not you.

Finn cried in front of you. But he understood. He told you that he knew it all along; he knew that your heart wasn't in it. But he thought that he could open your heart for him. He was supposed to give you the world. He was supposed to love you with all his heart and soul. He was supposed to make you fall in love with him. But he failed.

You failed him.

When you came back to California with Raven and Octavia, you decided to take the residency program in Seattle with them. You need a new life. You need a fresh start.

You were broken hearted and if you were being honest with yourself, you miss her so much. You wanted to see her. You wanted to go back in the island but what for? Lexa is not in love with you. She was very clear with that.

Besides, love is weakness. It made you weak again. Now that you have your memories back and being in love with Lexa are both at the same page. You are torn. You promised yourself that you wouldn't fall in love again. You promised to yourself that neither man nor woman is going to wormed itself into your frozen heart.

Clarke Griffin is back. Your heart is frozen solid again.

You have Octavia and Raven by your side. No one else matters.

"Dr. Griffin, I need your help with something."

You turned around to face Dr. Alex Danvers. "Yes Dr. Danvers?"

She walked towards you. "I need you to take care of a VIP patient."

"Sure. What happened?" You asked.

Dr. Danvers filled you in the details about Ms. Woods' accident. She wanted you to take extra care of the wounds and bruises on her face. She is a VIP patient and because you're going for a Plastic Surgeon Residency Program and for Dr. Danvers, you are the best doctor for the job then it was an honor to be chosen. Your heart soared with pride.

Excitedly, you went to gather your needed supplies. Dr. Avery, the attending Plastic Surgeon, would be proud of you.

You went directly to Bed 3 and opened the curtain. "Hello Ms. Woods. I'm Dr. Cla-" You stopped on your tracks because you just witnessed a private encounter between two women. It was embarrassing "Oh I'm so sorry." You were about to turn away when…

"CLARKE?"

You recognized that voice.

Green eyes met yours.

Oh my god!

The world stopped. You were mesmerized because in front of you were no other than Lexa, the woman who broke your heart months ago.

You were staring at each other with a surprised look on both of your faces.

Are you dreaming? Is this real? Lexa is in Polis. What is she doing here then? With another woman no less. Anger surged within you.

It was you who looked away first. "Hi, I'm Dr. Clarke Griffin. Dr. Danvers told me to take care of your stitches." You said in a formal tone.

"Lexa, I'm just going to get myself a cup of coffee. Dr. Griffin, if you'll excuse me." The other woman said before walking away.

You nodded and turned away as you gather all your supplies. Your heart was beating erratically. You tried to ignore it. Lexa is here with another woman. You tried to shut your heart out. You are a master of shutting down your heart. You can do this. You turned to face Lexa again, "I'll be doing stitches on your cheek and lips. This might hurt okay?"

You sat down on the bed so you could reach her face. You were about to put antiseptic on her left cheek but then she spoke, making you stop what you were doing. Her angelic voice is making your insides crazy and your heart beats faster than it should. It's annoying.

"How are you?" Lexa asked. "Do you recognize me?"

You swallowed hard and then your eyes went straight towards hers. You didn't smile. She broke your heart and you were stupid enough to fall for that charm. You were stupid enough to let her break your walls.

"Of course, Lexa. I know you." You answered with a bite.

"Have you recovered from your memory loss?" She asked you again.

"Yes."

Lexa looked away and said, "Congratulations on your wedding then."

You didn't answer. You don't want to. She doesn't have the right to know that you didn't marry Finn.

You continued doing your job carefully. Your eyes were glued on her lips. Lexa's face was filled with bruises and wounds but that didn't stop you from admiring her beautiful face. Dr. Danvers told you about the accident. You wanted to ask her what really happened but you stopped yourself.

Lexa has a girlfriend now, the beautiful sophisticated woman from earlier. It's no wonder that Lexa wasn't feeling the same way. You can't compete with that gorgeous woman.

You continued to treat her cuts and stitched it carefully. She wasn't looking at you probably she was feeling guilty because she broke your heart. You treated her quietly. You were so close with her that it was a torture being this close but you cannot hold her.

Thankfully, it was done. "There. You're all done." You said as you moved away and stood up. You removed your gloves and turned away to threw them in the trash.

"Thank you." She said.

You sighed. You don't want to tell her but you couldn't stop yourself. You turned around and said, "There was no wedding."

She turned to look at you, shock evident on her face. "What?"

You gritted your teeth. "Not that it matters for you, Lexa. You seem to have move on with a beautiful sophisticated woman."

She furrowed your eyebrows. "What? Who?" She asked, confused.

"Don't play dumb. I saw you earlier. I should have known. I'm just one of the many girls who were charmed by you. And one of the many girls who must have fallen in love with you and ended up broken hearted." Your eyes were blazing. Again, you let your emotions clouded your senses. You can't be here. You don't want to see her. You can't bear to see her with another woman on her arms.

"Clarke, you're wrong. Clarke, wait."

"Goodbye Lexa." You left her.

Your heart was in pain. Seeing Lexa with another woman was so painful that you can't help but run away.

You went straight to the doctor's lounge. You exhaled a deep breath before you turned the knob. Raven and Octavia were both there.

"Hey Clarke." Raven and Octavia acknowledged your presence.

"Hey." You responded.

"Are you okay?" Octavia must have sensed that something was wrong.

Walking towards them, you sighed. "I'm fine. It's just that…" Your eyes were glued at the magazine Raven was looking at. Your eyes were wide as soon as you recognized the woman in the picture.

"Who is that?" You asked dumbly.

"Oh this? This is Lexa Woods. She's one of the Billionaire Heiress. She is super hot, isn't she? Damn!" Raven exclaimed, oblivious of the turmoil you are experiencing at the moment.

Once again, it was Octavia who noticed you. "Clarke, are you okay? You look pale."

You stared back at Octavia as you mumbled, "She's island girl."

"WHAT?"

"HELL NO!"

Both of them exclaimed. You nod your head and looked away.

"Wow!" Raven shook her head. "How did that happened?"

"I actually don't know. She didn't tell me how insanely rich she was. She didn't tell me anything about herself." You told them. It broke your heart again that she didn't trust you with that particular information. You already suspected that she's rich but not a billionaire heiress.

"Oh, Clarke." Octavia went onto your side.

"She's here. She is with another woman." Now that she thought of it, the woman looks like a billionaire CEO too.

"That bitch!" Raven swore. "I know she's hot but I won't let her hurt you again."

"It's fine Rae. I'm not going to see her again."

The door opened; Dr. Danvers and the sophisticated woman together with Lexa on a wheelchair entered the lounge.

"Clarke." Lexa's voice was pleading.

Raven and Octavia stood up in front of you as they shield you from Lexa.

"Let me explain please." It was Lexa again.

You stood up. There's no need to delay the inevitable. "It's okay Rae, O. I can handle myself." You whispered to them.

The sophisticated woman was looking at you. You stared at her defiantly. And then she gave you a warm smile. Her hand settled on Lexa's shoulder. And then she walked towards you and introduced herself, "Hi Clarke. I'm Lena Luthor, a friend of Lexa. It's nice to meet you."

You blinked. She extended her hand and you accepted her firm handshake.

"Clarke, can I talk to you?" Lexa asked, her voice seems nervous.

You looked at her and nod your head. "Okay."

After a few seconds, you were left alone with Lexa. You sighed deeply and prepared for another heartbreaking speech from the woman you are currently in love with.

"This is not what I imagined meeting you again." Lexa started. Her face was bruised and she looked uncomfortable on her wheelchair.

You stood up. "Do you want to sit on the couch?" You offered.

She smiled, "Yes please." She tried to stand up but it was obvious that she feels weak so you guided her. When she held your hand, your heart almost stopped. You tried to ignore the irregular beating of your heart.

Lexa settled comfortably on the couch. You sat beside her but not without putting a considerate amount of distance from her.

"Clarke…"

You looked at her.

She took a deep breath. "I miss you."

You shook your head. "You don't get to say that, Lexa." You replied calmly.

"I know I broke your heart but you have to understand that I was…"

You cut her off. "That you are a billionaire heiress? And I'm not worthy?"

Lexa's face was mixed with surprise and shock. "That's not what I was…"

You showed her the magazine.

"You didn't tell me anything about you. Come to think of it, we're just the same. I actually don't know you, Lexa Woods. I don't know who you really are." You said angrily.

You are thinking irrationally. You are angry with her but mostly to yourself because you fell for her. You are trying so hard to forget about her. You don't want to open your heart with anyone. You are done with that. But Lexa Woods wormed herself into your heart when it was unguarded. And now, you are suffering the consequences of that. Your heart is open now. Flood of emotions are coming your way. You don't like this feeling. You want to forget.

"Clarke. I am me. Everything that I've told you about me was the truth. And I'm not the one to brag. I don't see why I need to tell you I'm a billionaire when there's no opportunity to tell you because we are happy together. We have our own sanctuary. I am happy with you, Clarke."

You rolled your eyes. She broke your heart but now she was telling you that you made her happy? What is she saying?

You shook your head. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to say that to me. You broke my heart, Lexa! I was in love with you and you broke my fucking heart!"

"I love you."

You stopped and looked at her. "What?"

"I'm in love with you, Clarke."

Your jaw tightened. "No." You shook your head.

"I… I was protecting my own heart." Lexa's tears started to fall down. "And by protecting my own heart, I ended up breaking your heart." She was staring at you so intensely. "You were mine, yes. But you were suffering a memory loss and you have a fiancé, Clarke. What am I supposed to do? If I told you to stay and then your memories come back, your feelings for your fiancé will come back too. And that will leave me broken and alone. You see, I was protecting my own heart from a possible heartache. And I suffered a lot with that decision. So seeing you now, looking at you, knowing that you cancelled your own wedding; I may have given a second chance and I will never ever let you go. Because I'm so in love with you, Clarke."

You stared at her. Her confession went straight to the deepest part of your heart. The place wherein you swore to yourself, you will never let it out again. Hearing Lexa's confession was nerve wrecking.

The ball is in your court now. It's up to you to decide if you will accept her or not. If you will let yourself fall for someone again or you would rather choose to be alone wherein no one could ever hurt you.

Feelings are complicated. Love is weakness.

You swore to yourself never to fall in love again.

And your keeping that promise.

"I'm sorry." You shook your head and before tears spill down from your eyes, you ran and left.

Two days.

You were alone in your room for two days.

After that conversation with Lexa two days ago, you told your friends you want to drink. Octavia and Raven bought alcohol and you spent the whole night drinking with them.

You wanted to forget.

You wanted to forget the look on her face when you broke her heart.

History repeats itself but it's the other way around now.

You broke Lexa's heart even after that confession. You broke your own heart to protect yourself from heartache. You don't even know if you're making sense now. It's just that you were afraid. You don't want to feel like this anymore.

You wanted a fresh start. You are recovering from a broken heart. Your friends are with you. You have them and that is supposedly enough.

But Lexa… Lexa ruined everything you're preparing yourself for.

She is in love with you and why can't you just accept her?

Because you are a coward. That's what you are.

Now that you remember who you really are, you are much more guarded. Your walls are up. You don't want to fall for someone. You had a lot of heartaches in the past that could last you a lifetime. You don't want them to hurt you again. That's why it's so easy with Finn. But then you ended up breaking the heart of the nicest guy that could take care of you. You don't deserve to be happy. And happiness is already overrated.

"Clarke!"

"Clarke!"

You heard Raven and Octavia's muffled voices.

"WHAT?" You replied.

Your eyes were already bulging from crying too much. You haven't even showered yet. You are so depressed and you spent two days contemplating to yourself whether you made the right decision or not. You were giving yourself reasons on why you were doing it. On why you would rather protect your own heart than give it to someone else.

"What the fuck, Clarke! Open the door!" Raven's voice was angry. "Find the damn keys, O."

In a matter of seconds, Raven and Octavia entered your room using a spare key.

"I'm broken." You murmured as soon as you saw them.

Raven and Octavia joined you on your bed. They both sandwiched you.

You cried. "I'm broken." You repeated. "I'm broken again."

Octavia hugged you tightly and kissed your temple. "You're not. You're just scared, Clarke."

"I broke her heart."

"If she loves you, she will make an effort." Raven said. "You're both available now. Love will find a way, Clarke."

"But I don't want to be in love anymore."

"That's not up for you to decide, Clarke. Feelings happened. You fell for her. She was the reason you called off your engagement with Finn. And there's a reason you met each other again under different circumstances." Octavia said.

"I'm scared." You sobbed.

"We know." Raven and Octavia replied. They both hugged you tightly.

"What if I gave my heart and then she ended up breaking it again? You've seen her right? She is gorgeous. I can't compete with other girls. I don't want to compete with anyone. Heiress Lexa Woods is a heartbreak waiting to happen."

Octavia and Raven didn't say anything. They know you're right.

"Clarke."

You turned around. You were in the parking lot on your way to your car, "Lexa, what are you doing here?"

"I just want to see you." Lexa said. It had been a week since you last saw her. Her bruises are healing.

"Lexa…" You sighed.

"I know… I know that you probably don't want to see me anymore. But I can't stop thinking about you Clarke." She said. "I told you I would never let you go."

"I c-can't…"

She cuts you off. "One date. Please. Give me a chance. I want to know the real Clarke so you get to know the real me too."

You were staring at each other. Lexa's eyes are mesmerizing.

Before you could say anything, she beats you up to it.

"Take the risk with me, Clarke."

You exhaled a deep breath and nodded, "Okay." You remembered all the conversation you had in Polis regarding taking the risk with each other. Lexa took the risk when you asked her to. Now it's your time to take the risk.

Lexa smiled at you and god, you missed her so damn much!

Dating Lexa Woods is extraordinary. She picked you up in a limousine and brought you to a fancy restaurant. She gave you bouquet of roses and she even bought you a dress suitable for the date.

You are not used to this kind of lifestyle though. Especially if there are flashes of camera from every corner of the restaurant.

"Clarke, are you okay? Is there something wrong?" Lexa asked, clearly worried.

"Nothing." You told her.

"You can tell me. Don't you like it here?" She asked.

"Any woman you brought here, they all could've like this. This is a very fancy restaurant. I am honored."

"But?"

"It's not my style." You lowered your head down. You know she made a lot of effort for this date but you are just clearly uncomfortable with all the stares coming your way.

You looked up and then she smiled at you. "I'm uncomfortable too. I just want to impress you. My friend Sara gave me tips on how to impress a girl and it was stupid of me to follow her. If I'm going to stick with my first plan, I would just cook dinner for you then we watch movies together on the couch with ice cream on hand."

You smiled. "That would be nice."

She grinned. "Let's go then?"

"Okay, Woods." You replied and then you both laughed. You stupid heart beats triple fast. Lexa Woods' smile is really to die for.

True to her word, Lexa brought you to her penthouse apartment here in Seattle. She ordered Chinese take out for dinner and then after that, you watched movies together while you eat your favorite ice cream.

It feels home.

You were watching Friend Request with her and you can't help but notice the resemblance she had with the lead star, Laura Woodson.

"You look like her." You commented.

"I'm flattered." She replied.

"She should be the one flattered that a Billionaire Heiress look exactly alike with her." You told her.

"Huh, is that your way of flirting with me, Griffin?" She smirked.

You rolled your eyes. "You wish!"

Lexa laughed.

You continued watching but then you felt her getting near. "Clarke."

"Hmmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

You nodded. "What is it?" You heart is pounding hard. Lexa is too close.

"What happened to you? What's your story?" She asked sincerely. You know what she was asking about. Why are your walls so high? Lexa deserved to know the truth.

You sighed and bit your lip. Now that you have your memories back, you have a story to tell. "I was heartbroken for a lot of times. I fell in love with girls and they ended up breaking my heart. I swore to myself I would never fall in love with a girl ever again. I started dating guys. Each one of them doesn't have the capacity to make me fall. So I told myself maybe it's for the better. My heart is protected from any possible heartache. Then I met Finn, he is the nicest guy of them all. When I met him, I was truly healed from my last relationship so I was ready to settle down. We have the same likes. We both wanted to have a family. I may not be in love with him but I love him because he loves me and he was so nice to me. So when he proposed, I said yes. Finn was my safety net. But loving someone is different from being 'in love'. And then you knew the rest of the story."

"And then you met me."

"And then I met you. My heart was vulnerable and unprotected. I fell in love with you." You told her. You stared deeply into her eyes. "But you broke my heart."

Lexa lowered her head down.

"But that's okay because I understand what you did. You were just protecting your heart too." You added.

"My mother and Costia left me. I am scared of being left out again. My walls are up too. You just managed to break it down." Lexa said softly. Her eyes went straight back at you. You felt the intensity on them.

It was your turn to look away. The conversation was getting intense. Your heart is pounding so hard. You stood up but then Lexa followed. She stood up too and then she was in front of you.

"Clarke… I am in love with you and I won't break your heart, I promise." She whispered softly. Her breath is fanning your face. She was too close.

"Every single one of them said that to me." You responded. "They ended up breaking my heart into pieces."

"I won't." She said firmly. You tried to look away but she held your chin. She wanted you to look at her. "I won't." She repeated. "We are both guarded. We want to protect our own heart but what we didn't know is that we can protect both of our hearts by being together. I love you Clarke. And I can't lose you anymore."

She stared at your lips. Your eyes drifted on her plump lips. Your heart is aching beautifully. "Surely there are lots of girls vying for your affections, Lexa. Why me? I'm just ordinary."

Lexa smiled warmly. "Because they are not you, Clarke."

You bit your lip. "Lexa, I'm scared."

"I'm scared too." She replied softly while looking at your lips.

"My heart… it's…"

"I will protect your heart, Clarke, if you protect mine. I love you." Lexa started to lean down.

You closed your eyes as you wait for her lips to press against yours.

Sparks flew.

The electricity ran through your veins.

Lexa's lips were soft against yours. She kissed you with so much gentleness that you wanted to cry because it feels like your heart is opening up with that simple kiss.

The kiss is melting your frozen heart.

It feels like your floating as she nips on your bottom lip. You opened your mouth and Lexa didn't waste any time as she deepen the kiss with her tongue. Her hands encircled your hips and your hands automatically went at the back of her neck.

The kiss turned passionate. There is no turning back as she swooped you into her arms.

"Lexa." You breathed.

She looked at you. "We could stop. Just tell me." She was breathing hard too.

You wet your lips. "I love you too."

Lexa smiled. Her eyes lit up. "Can I call you my girlfriend now?" She asked excitedly.

"Whatever you want." You smiled at her and kissed her nose.

"Oh Clarke! I love you so much." She peppered your face with kisses as she carried you towards her bedroom.

In a matter of seconds, clothes were thrown off.

You spent the whole night loving Lexa and be loved in return.

It was the happiest moment of your life. Having sex with feelings is so much better than plain lust. You will treasure this moment forever. It was the moment you finally let yourself feel again.

You thought that it wasn't possible but someone managed to break your walls…

Someone managed to open your heart up again…

Someone made you believe in love again…

And that someone is no other than the Billionaire Heiress Lexa Woods…