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Not Without You

Chapter 10: Masen

Just like countless women who go through labor, I experienced abdominal pains that grew progressively worse and closer together for hours on end. And just like most women, people were at my side reminding me to breathe, and demonstrating it as if I'd forgotten how, as if without them I would cease to bring air into my own lungs and die. And just like many a soon-to-be-mother, I opted for an epidural, because the fear of an extra long needle inserted into my back was nothing compared to my excruciating contractions.

Unlike most women, however, and well before my spine was pierced with that needle, the father of my baby had to tell a nurse off because she caused me pain. A nurse would check my cervix every-so-often to see how far I'd progressed, which over a very long and painful three hours, hadn't been far at all. This nurse with painted nails and Shirley Temple curls announced it was time for a check, so Esme left the room and Edward came to my head, while I spread my legs. Her gloved fingers were so quick and rough that I jerked back against the bed and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Relax," she said, pushing them further into me.

I tensed up.

"You have to relax!"

That only made me tense up more. Please be almost finished. I balled my fists, digging them deep into the bed.

"Relax!"

"How can she relax when you're yelling at her?" Edward ran his fingers over my hair and brought his face next to mine so I could look into his eyes. "Bella, can you relax a little? Take a deep breath and loosen up so it won't hurt so much." I did what he said, but that nurse's fingers still hurt, though not as much. When she left, I closed my legs up tight, tears finding my eyes. I felt violated.

"What just happened?" Edward asked.

"She hurt me."

"I saw that, but why? It's never hurt you before, has it?"

"It's always a little uncomfortable, but it's never hurt like this. Usually they go slowly, and I can prepare myself for it. But I wasn't ready this time, and she just jammed her fingers in so fast. And why was she yelling at me to relax? How does yelling ever help anybody relax?"

"She's not touching you again." But before he could leave to go talk to her, or complain about her, another contraction pummeled its way through me. I grabbed his hand and pressed the side of my face against the pillow. He was probably reminding me to breathe, but all I could hear was my own mind wishing the pain away.

As soon as that contraction ended and before my next one came, Edward stormed out of the room in search of that nurse. It turned out she had to continue with me through the birth because of the lack of available staff, but she was not permitted to check my cervix. Whenever she spoke to me, she gave me a smile and called me sweetie, making me want to spit on her.

As time passed, and my contractions grew longer and closer together, my body betrayed me. Why, of all times, did I have to go to the bathroom now? Why not even twenty or thirty minutes earlier? I couldn't imagine making the trek across the room and to the toilet between contractions. I stared at the bathroom door.

"What if I have a contraction in there?" I wouldn't have Edward's hands or eyes to help me through it, and I had no intention of pulling him in there with me.

Edward dropped my hand. "You have to go?"

I nodded. "I'll just wait until the next one ends and go as fast as I can." That was the plan, and though it was good in theory, there was no way to rush because of all the contraptions and equipment attached to my abdomen, monitoring the baby and me. We unwrapped what we could and wheeled the rest with me. Once Edward closed the door behind me and I sat on the toilet, the contraction came. I stared at the gray tile grout in front of me and waited, tight-faced, for the pain to subside.

"That's the last time I do that," I said on my way out of the bathroom. Edward put his arm around my waist and guided me back to the bed.

Almost as bad as my contractions, was the floral wallpaper. There were bouquets of flowers in muted pastels all over the place, and all looking the same, which made it impossible to find a focal point, even though I kept being reminded by Edward, Esme, and the nurses to focus.

"Look around!" I yelled at Edward the next time he told me to focus. "Tell me, can you find a damn focal point? Every time I look back at the wall, I can't figure out which flowers I was looking at last."

"How about the clock?" he said, pointing to my left. "Pick a number."

"Twelve," I said, and then took note of the time. It was just after 5:00 AM, which meant I'd been there for six hours and had only dilated to two centimeters. "Is it going to take me six hours to dilate one centimeter? Because at this rate, we'll be here for days."

Edward looked at me wide-eyed. "I-I don't know. That can't be right. Mom?"

"No, Bella," Esme said. "Soon things will begin to progress quickly. You'll see." She squeezed my fingers and I squeezed hers right back, hard, as another contraction came.

"Remember the twelve," Edward said.

I started hating the number twelve as my contractions became nearly unbearable. What bothered me more than the pain was the knowledge that as soon as one ended, another one would not be far away. My eyes teared up in anticipation of the next contraction, and there was no calm remaining inside me. I couldn't even lift my spirits with thoughts that my baby would be here soon, because in my state there was no future at all. There was only now, and only pain and more pain.

"Edward!"

"I'm sorry, Bella." His face was close to mine, one hand tight in my grasp while the other wiped a tear from my cheek. "Are you all right?"

I closed my eyes.

He kissed my hand, but it didn't feel like his kisses normally did. I felt his lips on my skin, but the tingling sensation that usually left me wanting more wasn't there. All it felt like were lips. Regular lips that could have belonged to anybody.

"No more," I said. "No more. Make it stop."

"Okay. Okay." He left the room, and I cursed him out in my mind for not being there through my next contraction; then I yelled at Esme about it.

"Where did he go?!"

Esme came to my side and pushed hair out of my face. "He'll be right back, Bella. He's getting the nurse for you."

Edward returned with my new, gentler nurse in tow. Her long white-blonde hair was pulled back from her pale face, and her touch was as soft as her voice. Soon, she would become known to me as my angel.

Esme moved aside to make room for Edward, who brought his fingers to my cheek and his eyes to mine. "She's going to check you to see if you're ready for medicine. Relax baby, relax."

I could have hugged my angel nurse when she announced I was dilated enough for the epidural. I was sure this was the only situation where the thought of a major shot in the back rivaled the joy of a child finding her filled stocking on Christmas morning.

But this was no easy process either. It took the anesthesiologist fifteen minutes just to set up his equipment. Angel-nurse asked me to sit on the edge of the bed, and she held my shoulders. "You have to stay very still," she told me.

"How is that possible during a contraction?"

"That's why I'm here. Okay, here comes one," she said, checking the monitor. "Look into my eyes." I found them, the color of the sky slightly softened by clouds. "Now breathe deeply. In through your nose. Out through your mouth." She breathed with me and I focused on her eyes. Did she know she was an angel, I wondered, or were angels unaware of their presence on Earth? The anesthesiologist was already packing up before I even knew he'd begun, and my angel helped me lie comfortably in the bed again. I found Edward's wet eyes watching me.

"You're crying?"

He shook his head. "You're doing so well, Bella." He sat beside me again and took my hand, kissing it and holding it there against his lips.

Minutes later the pain was only a memory, and I was actually smiling and joking with Edward. More people entered my room, and I wasn't bothered in the least. My dad, Sue, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and even Rosalie were there--all before 8:00 AM. Rosalie seemed stuck in the corner.

"Rosalie," I said, holding a hand out for her. She came to my bedside, slipping her hand into mine.

"How are you, Bella?"

"You're here."

"I can't wait until you have your baby," she said. She tried forcing a smile, but it didn't quite work.

"Neither can I." I touched my stomach, trying to wrap my head around the fact that the life inside of me would soon be out, and more real than ever. She wriggled her hand from my grasp and returned to her corner, arms folded across her chest.

Carlisle stopped in a few times, whenever he got the chance to get away from his own patients. He made sure my nurses were treating me better. I assured him of my angel and he didn't even look at me strangely.

"Christiana," he said. "She's one of our best."

The one problem with my lack of feeling pain was my lack of feeling anything at all. When it came time to push and everyone but Edward and the nurses had been ushered out of the room, I couldn't even tell if I was pushing. I thought I was, but apparently I wasn't.

"Do you feel this?" Christiana asked. I felt some faint pressure and nodded. "That's my finger; push against it."

"Like that?"

"Yes."

I pushed again. "Am I still doing it?"

"Yes, but you have to stop asking me and continue pushing."

I kept doing whatever it was I thought I was doing, hoping it was right.

Dr. Denali arrived in time to "catch" the baby, although it was more like she helped baby slither on out. Masen finally made it into the world, letting out a cry at 10:17 AM on October twelfth.

"Masen's a boy!" Edward said, and although I wasn't looking at Edward, I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Here's your baby," Dr Denali said, handing the tiny pink person to me.

I gazed at him for just a moment, his closed eyes and lips sweeter than a cupid, and I cried for this little life that was now a huge part of mine and Edward's. I looked for Edward, reaching for his hand. He was right there, his face next to mine.

"He's our boy," he said.

I touched Edward's lips, loving the way 'our boy' sounded on them. "Yes, he is."

Someone took Masen away, then. I didn't know if it had been a doctor or a nurse; all I saw was my baby whisked from my arms.

Edward kissed my now-empty fingers. "Do you know what you just did? You're so amazing, Bella. You're beautiful and strong--and amazing."

Though women were doing this everywhere, all over the place, all the time, I believed him.

"I love you," he said, kissing me.

"I love you, too."

Dr. Denali interrupted us to remind me that I still needed to deliver the placenta. That was nothing compared to delivering Masen. Edward followed the pediatrician and the nurses to the nursery, where Masen would get his health check and a clean up while I was being stitched up. I now needed medicated pads and ice in my underwear, and painkillers in my veins. But somehow, none of that mattered here on my brand new cloud of motherhood.

My friends and family came in to see me, letting me know they'd all had a chance to peek at Masen through a window. I thought that was just wonderful until they all started telling me about how adorable and beautiful he was. And then Edward showed me a short video of him through Carlisle's camera. Masen was being weighed and measured, and he was crying. That reminded me that I'd only had a few moments with my son, so of course, what else could I do but get mad at Edward?

"You're taking videos of him, and I can't even see him?!"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I thought you would want me to."

I tugged on his sleeve to bring him closer. "Why are there so many people in here? Get them out of here." Not long ago my legs had been spread and my bodily fluids had been on sheets under me--I felt dirty and smelly, and didn't want visitors.

"They're here to see you, but I'll take care of it." He asked everyone for some privacy, and as soon as he came back to my side, I pulled him closer again.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so mad at you." I started to cry. "Of course you can take videos of our baby. I love you." I brought his face to mine with both my hands and kissed him. "And now I'm crying," I laughed through tears. "What is wrong with me?"

"It's okay, Bella. You're on drugs," he laughed. "You'll feel better when you get to hold Masen again."

Seconds later, a nurse I hadn't seen before wheeled Masen in on a little metal cart. She brought him to me all wrapped up, snug in a blanket and topped with a blue cap, just like a doll. I cradled him to my chest and kissed the softest face I'd ever kissed.

"Hi there, Masen. We've been waiting for you," Edward said, giving Masen's face a barely there touch with the back of his hand. "We're a family," he said, kissing us both.

The nurse was there to teach me to breast feed and yes, Masen taking his first few tugs at my breasts hurt, but he was finished quickly. The nurse told me it wouldn't hurt as much next time, but I needed to be careful not to get engorged, which sounded really painful and became my new fear.

"How do I keep from getting engorged?"

"You have to make sure that he empties you as much as possible each time."

"Let me hold him," Edward said, reaching for our son. Masen appeared even tinier in his daddy's arms. Edward was smiling down at him, and I was smiling up at both of them as my dad knocked and peeked his head in.

"Bella? Edward? I'm on duty in an hour. May I come in and meet my grandson?"

Edward handed Masen over while my dad beamed with pride. Seeing my dad hold Masen made me feel my mother's absence for the first time. "Did you call my mom, Edward?"

He nodded, but when he didn't reveal any further information, I asked for it.

"What did she say?"

"Well… she didn't say anything at first. And then she cried. She told me to tell you congratulations, though, and it sounded sincere to me, not sarcastic at all."

"She's coming around," my dad said. "And wait until she meets your perfect son. Look at his blond hair."

"Like my dad," Edward said.

Esme came in next, a grandma in her mid-thirties. She certainly wasn't going to be the kind of Grandma I'd grown up with, deep lines in her face and knitting afghans in a rocking chair. Esme was beautiful and wrinkle-free as she peered down at Masen with a quiet smile.

Nurses--the one I loathed and the one I loved--helped move me into a wheelchair and a new room.

My new room was dark, with closed blinds and wood-paneled walls. It made me sleepy, and as soon as I was on the bed I began to close my eyes, reaching out for Masen. Edward didn't hand him over.

"Get some sleep, Bella." Edward said. "You need it." I felt his lips brush my face.

"You can let the others in," I whispered. "They want to see Masen, too." I slept while our friends entered and whispered among themselves. I was so tired, I didn't even dream. All I saw behind my eyelids were dark walls, and I let them close in on me.

The room was quiet and free of visitors when I awoke. Edward was asleep on the chair beside me, and a night nurse was bringing Masen to me for another feeding. As she took my temperature, she asked me if I wanted to keep him with me, and I told her of course I did. "He's my baby." She smiled at me and left the room without a sound. I watched Edward sleep as our baby nursed. Edward opened his eyes, as if he could feel my stare.

"Hey," he whispered, coming to the bed. I gave a painful side-scoot so he could squeeze onto the bed with us, where we both watched Masen. "He's so quiet."

"I know," I said. "Aside from when he was first born, I haven't heard him cry."

"He's our good boy. How are you feeling?"

"I feel dirty and sore. I have pads on the size of diapers and ice in my pants. It's not the most comfortable feeling."

He laughed. "I remember coming home and asking if you had any spotting. You were so embarrassed by that question, and here you are talking about ice and pads in your pants."

"Edward, all my dignity flew out the window and across the country once my legs were spread for you and half the hospital staff to see."

He kissed my cheek and rested his arm on mine so that we were both holding Masen together. "We made the right choice, didn't we?" he asked.

"I will never doubt that again. I know now that there was never any other choice."

"It's nice being quiet and alone together like this," Edward said.

"Yes. It makes me wish morning will never come." I rested my head on his shoulder. Masen moved from my breast with a full, satiated, almost drunken look on his face that made Edward laugh. I was too sleepy to join him. My eyes started to close again all on their own and I jerked myself awake.

"What?"

"I'm so tired, I'm afraid I'm going to drop him."

Edward took Masen from me and brought him to his cradle, then returned to my side. "Do you want me to go back to the chair? Will you be more comfortable?"

I reached for his arm and brought it around my middle. "No, you stay right here. You're more comfortable. Come closer, be my pillow."

He inched as close as he could to me.

"Thanks for being here, Edward."

"Why are you thanking me? Where else would I be?"

"That's what I mean--the fact that you don't know where else you would be. I'm lucky that you're the father of my baby."

He brought my face to his chest and caressed my cheek. "I'm the lucky one, Bella. So fucking lucky."

"Don't say 'fuck' in front of the baby," I whispered.

"Sorry. I'll watch myself."

"This feels like Christmas," I said, but I don't know if he heard me or answered, because I fell asleep against his chest, his heartbeat soothing me in slumber.

Baby noises woke me up this time. Real baby noises. The beginnings of a soft cry. Edward heard the whimpers too, and brought Masen to me. "Time to eat again," he said, his voice groggy from not nearly enough sleep. Light slithered through cracks in the blinds, my only indication that it was morning.

I kissed Masen's head and guided him to my breast. "When did all these get here?" I motioned to all the flowers, plants, and balloons that I hadn't noticed until just then.

"While you were sleeping yesterday. Some people brought them; others had them sent. There's one from Jessica." That made us both laugh. "The sunflowers."

"I can't believe I didn't notice them last night."

"You were still heavily drugged, and it was dark."

A nurse swept in, took my baby from me with her plump arms, and asked if I wanted her to show me how to change a diaper. Edward helped me up so I could walk over to the baby bed, where she was removing the swaddling blanket, revealing my baby's skinny legs. I grabbed for an ankle with my thumb and index finger, but he was kicking all over the place, slipping from my grasp. The diaper changing seemed basic. She did it so fast, and the way she just took hold of his legs and lifted him like she'd done it a million times, confident her tugging wouldn't hurt him--I knew I wouldn't be able to handle him like that. He looked so breakable to me.

"Are you watching?" she asked Edward, her voice sharp and raspy. "Because you must help out, Dad. This is a bonding time for you and your baby. Since your wife is nursing, this is what you get."

Edward and I smiled at each other when she called me his wife, neither of us correcting her. "You don't know Edward," I said. "He doesn't need a lecture on helping out. He's automatic like that."

"Well, you're fortunate. You wouldn't believe how many dads say diaper changing is not their job. I'm here to inform them that it is their job." She eyed Edward when she said that, as if she was still unconvinced he would help me.

She took Masen's temperature before she bundled him back up and gave him to daddy. Then she had me lie down and handed me some pills. "Are you in pain?"

"Not as much as before."

"It's because of these," she said. "Take them before the pain worsens again."

I did what she said. I'd had enough pain already.

As the nurse left, Dr. Denali entered to check my healing. She touched Masen's chest, and told me how beautiful he was. "I suppose you already have a favorite pediatrician," she said to Edward with a wink, knowing he worked in the office there.

"How is Bella?" he asked.

"She looks good, healing nicely. She'll be sore and will need help getting out of bed, and to and from the bathroom. You can take a shower if you want, Bella."

"I want. I want."

She offered to help me into the shower since she was there. That way Edward got to hold baby. I knew he wasn't ready to part with Masen. It was impossible to pass them without kissing both my guys.

Carlisle visited while I was eating lunch. I'd ordered it from a pretty menu, printed as if it was hotel room service, but the food was all pre-packaged stuff: veggie burger (probably microwaved), fruit cup, baby carrots, and instant mashed potatoes. It didn't matter, though; I was hungry enough to eat everything, especially the chocolate cake slice.

"He looks like you, Edward," Carlisle said.

"Of course he does," I said, scooping some peach squares into my mouth.

"What does that mean?" Edward asked on a laugh.

"It means God is loving," I said.

Edward leaned down and nuzzled my nose with his. "Obviously that's true. He brought us Masen. But looking like you would not be a bad thing, love. Not bad at all."

I didn't say anything, just smiled at him, offering a piece of cake with my fork. He bit it off, smiling too.

"This brings back memories," Carlisle said. "Enjoy it kids, they grow up fast."

"What's your advice for us?" I asked. "Write it down." I looked around for a piece of paper.

"I'll tell you this, Bella. I think you can remember it. Take the best care of yourself you can and in return, you will have the best of yourself to give to your baby. And Edward, you make sure of it."

"Bella will be well taken care of." He kissed me as if that proved it, and I reached up to touch his face because I believed it. There was more of a beard than usual--and I kissed his furry jaw before he could get away from me.

A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review. :)