It's the way he sounds over the phone that has her hauling ass to the university to see what the hell was going on. She glares at him when she finds him in his classroom, feet propped up on his desk, reading a book, looking a lot like he's not dying.

"You made me think there was something wrong." She says walking in and closing the door. Killian tilts his head at her, a smirk on his lips.

"Whatever made you think that?"

"You sounded like something was wrong?"

"Nah, I just missed you." He says and she rolls her eyes, "Have a seat, Swan."

"No, I'm leaving." She says turning towards the door and then she hears him get up and it stops her. "Seriously what did you want?" She asks.

"You don't really want to leave do you?"

"I want to know what you wanted."

"Mhm." He smirks, "Come over here and you'll find out."

"What are you gonna do?" She asks, eyeing him and he rolls his eyes. "This some weird...sexual proposition?"

"Only if you want it to be." He winks at her and she shakes her head.

"Ew." She says turning back to the door, "Bye Jones."

"Don't leave."

"I'm not into-"

"I have something for you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Come. Here." He says making a come here, motion with his finger and she does, still a little afraid of what he might do, it's been a week since she last saw him. He grabs her wrist, pulls her close with a yelp and silences her with a kiss.

"Is that what you had for me?" She asks when he pulls away, involuntarily chasing his lips but he just smirks instead of answering and walks back to his desk. Killian pulls out a little rectangular white box, with a damn near perfectly tied red ribbon around it.

"What's that?" She asks

"Open it and find out." He says, handing it to her, she takes it but she doesn't open it.

"But I didn't get you anything."

"The best gift you could ever give me is your beautiful smile."

"God, shut up." She laughs, "That was cheesy, even for you."

"Open it, Swan."

"Okay, okay." She says as she sits down in the chair next to his desk, she doesn't want to, but she unties the ribbon and lifts the lid. She tilts her head, "A key? To where- if you say to your heart I'm actually going to deck you." He laughs.

"No, to my house." He says, "I'm not that cheesy, Swan."

"Mmhmm." She takes the key out, "So I can break in whenever I want?"

"Not really breaking in if you have a key."

"Thank you."

"So, what are you doing today? Any plans?"

"Well, Neal picked Henry up a few hours ago, so really nothing. Why?" She asks, "Plan on making me put this key to use?" She asks as she slips it's on her keychain and he tosses something at her.

"Not at the moment."

"Ow." She says, picking up what he threw in her lap, it's a movie, she squints at him, "The Crow?"

"You mentioned you've never watched it." He shrugs, "Which I can't even fathom."

"Maybe it's not as popular as you think, Jones."

"Maybe." He says, "But you're watching it. How am I married to someone who's never seen it?"

"I don't know, buddy." She tosses it back at him, "Are we watching it here?" She asks, looking around. If so, then on what?

"I have a projector."

"Did you bring popcorn too?"

"No food in my classroom, Swan." He says, opening the case, "Turn off the lights."

"Bossy."

"You love it."

She's comfortable, curled up in his chair with him, half on him and half off, watching. They're about halfway through it now, but she's starting to kind of doze off, not because it's boring, she's just tired. She was up for a while with Henry.

"Killian."

"Hm?"

"I'm falling asleep." She says softly, "Can we finish this another time?" He pauses it.

"Of course."

She almost tells him over the phone, she almost tells him she loves him, but something twists in her gut. It's fear, that's what it is, rearing its ugly head in her belly and she doesn't say it, just says goodnight and hangs up. It's too soon anyway, and what if she says it and he leaves? Or he says it back but doesn't really mean it?

She's not sure she can take another meaningless I love you from anyone. Not after Neal.

"Is it bad that I'm like...two hundred percent done with this pregnancy already?" Elsa asks, cutting her thoughts. She's sitting next to her on the couch, Emma had started coming over a little more often, sometimes bringing Mary Margaret with her but today it's just her.

"Is it that bad?"

"Morning sickness is terrible." She groans, "You'd think it'd be easier the second time around."

"Were you sick with the twins?"

"No. I was just really mean." She says, "Poor Liam."

"I'm sure he understood." Emma laughs.

"He did." She sighs, "He's perfect, I love Liam."

"I hope you do." Emma nods, "It'd be a little awkward if you didn't."

"Yeah. How are you and Killian doing?"

"Fine."

"Just, fine?"

"Yeah." She sits up from her face down position and walks over to where Emma is, taking a seat.

"Everything okay?" She asks, she's doing that thing that she finds herself always doing, Elsa's fingers find a lock of Emma's hair and she starts to braid it. "Don't lie to me, I played dirty on the playground." Emma shrugs. Everything is fine, great actually but she just has this feeling that soon, it's all going to blow up.

"How long after you and Liam started dating did you wait to tell him you loved him?"

"I didn't."

"What?"

"I didn't wait." She says, "I told him, I guess I didn't really tell him. I never outright said I love you. I just...casually informed him that I was falling in love with him and if he wanted to leave that was okay."

"And what did he say?"

"Told me he wasn't leaving and I'd have to try harder to get him to." She says, "I wasn't really trying to get him to, I never wanted him to leave me. I guess I just wasn't used to the attention. I wasn't used to someone looking at me like I hung the damn moon in the sky. Which, I think, is something we have in common."

"You weren't used to it?"

"Anna is usually the one people pine after. I meant it when I told you I thought he was flirting with her and not me. Anna is...fun and bubbly and everyone loves her, I'm more closed off and I can be cold without meaning to be. I had never been pursued before, not by anyone who wanted anything serious, or something they couldn't get from my sister." She shrugs, "I thought if I ignored him he would go away or move onto Anna, but he didn't. Feelings are more manageable when you pretend not to have them."

"Yeah," Emma whispers.

"What you two talking about?" Liam asks as he walks him, the boys taking off upstairs in a loud clatter of feet and giggles.

"You." Elsa smiles and he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"Good things, I hope."

"Always." She says, "How was work?"

"Fine."

"And the park?"
"The boys had fun." He says, brushing the hair the strayed from her braid out od her face, "Do you feel better?"

"Yes."

"I got you some medicine, that stuff you had last time. Belle said it might help."

"Thank you." She smiles, pulls him down so she can kiss him, a soft peck on his lips and then she's curling up into a ball on the couch with her head in Emma's lap. "See? Perfect."

He tells her in the dark, the room only illuminated by the glow of the lights on her tree, her legs are tangled with his on the couch under a blanket. She's dozing off when he says it, only half sure that she heard him correctly. Emma asks a soft, "what?" And when he says it again, it's clearer, louder, the words bouncing around in her head before settling low in her stomach, weighing down in there.

She untangles herself from him and he must see the fear in her eyes because he's reaching for her. She leans away from him.

"Emma-"

"Get out." It's barely a whisper and at first, he doesn't hear her, head tilting in confusion and when she says it again, it's clearer, louder, the words bouncing around in his head before settling low in his stomach. "Please, get out." She doesn't wait long enough to see if he moves, or if she says anything because she darts upstairs and closes her bedroom door.

"Swan?!" Killian calls for her, but he doesn't follow. If there's anything this man was good at, it was understanding.

That may be one trait she hates and loves so much about him.

After a while of her trying and failing to calm down with her back against her bedroom door, she hears the front door open and close and then hears Killian's car pull away. He's gone and she made him leave. Emma closes her eyes and slides down to the floor, head on her knees, she's already thinking about calling him, apologizing, telling him she probably loves him too.

She never ends up doing it, she left her phone downstairs and her legs are wobbly enough as she climbs in bed. She spends hours watching the ceiling fan spin, counting how many times it makes a clicking noise.

Thirty-four, she's at thirty-four before she finally falls asleep.

When she sees Neal the next day, she tells him that he broke her and earns herself a look of confusion.

"Killian...told me he loved me last night and instead of saying it back, I kicked him out." And he nods because he understands, he understands what he did had made a lasting impression on her, an insecure, unwanted feeling tugging at her insides.

"Do you want me to take Henry until you figure this out?" It's soft when he asks it and it's as much of an apology he can bring himself to give and she shakes her head. She can't pawn her son off because she messed up or because she doesn't feel okay. Neal is looking at her, probably wanting to say more but not knowing how to do it. That's the thing about the two of them, part of the reason they worked well enough together, was because they were never good at articulating their feelings. Talking about serious things, things like this, it just never happened.

In a world where everything seems to be changing, some things stay the same.

"Em." Neal says softly, "I know what I did was terrible."

"Yeah."

"All those times I told you I loved you and then...ran off to be with Tamara and I know you think they were just words and I don't expect you to believe me when I tell you this, but never once did I lie to you." He says softly, "I did love you, I still love you."

"You were just never in love with me."

"I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to mess you up, I never meant any of that, my actions contradict that and sometimes I can be...an ass." He shrugs, "But I meant it every time I told you I loved you because I did. Remember what I told you in the parking lot after you-"

"Caught you with Tamara."

"Yeah." He nods, "I asked if you ever…" He shakes his head, "If you met someone and suddenly it's like you can breathe. You've been walking through life actively breathing and not knowing that you're not really breathing and then you find that one person and it's like your lungs finally inflate and you take your first intake of oxygen and it's full?" She gives him a look, trying to figure out where the hell he was going with this, but he continues, "Just being with that person is warm and...disgustingly comfortable all at once and even the thought of losing that person, that person who introduced you to this new way of breathing is enough to put you right back to not actually breathing."

"I-"

"You never looked at me like that." He says softly, "You tell me I was never in love with you, you were never in love with me, Em. We were put in a situation that forced us to stay together, forced us to make it work. We never really fit together because we were never meant to be permanent."

"I think this is the most you've ever said to me." She says softly. He laughs. "So, if you were okay with me and Killian the whole time, why-"

"I was jealous." He shrugs and she gives him a look, "Not because he has you because you looked at him like he was- he's the source of your breathing, Emma. You never looked at me like that. It sounds weird, I know, but you catching me with Tamara was probably the best thing that happened to you, you accidentally marrying someone else- which is still such a weird turn of events- was probably the best thing to happen to me. I hope one day we can look back at this and laugh at how stupid we both were."

"Can I hate you just a little longer?"

"I was pretty shitty to you." He says softly, "Can I hate Killian a little longer?"

"He's not very fond of you anyways." She shrugs, "So, yeah."

"Okay." He turns to leave and as he walks to his car, she calls for him.

"Hey, Neal?"

"Yeah?" He says as he turns around.

"Why'd you wait so long to tell me this?"

"Would you have listened if I had?" He asks

"Probably not."

"See? You were never a very good listener."
"You're an ass."

"You're no walk in the park either, Em." He laughs and she laughs too.

She never really gets around to calling him, things piling up and keeping her busy and if he calls her, she doesn't see it. Henry has a project due by the end of the week, the last assignment due before the holidays and as she helps him stick little cut outs onto a poster board, he asks her a million questions that she can't answer because she really doesn't know.

Killian probably would.

"Where's Killian?" Henry asks as he presses a tiny cut out snowman on the board and she freezes with the glue stick still pressed to the back of the index card she was about to press down.

"At home, why?" She asks.

"Why isn't he here?"

"He's busy."

"He's always here when he's busy," Henry says matter of factly.

"Okay, but he's really busy, this time." He's quiet, thinking it over, she can see the tiny wheels in his head working and she curses herself for giving birth to a tiny genius.

"Are you mad at each other?"

"What?" She asks, "No."

"Then why isn't he here?"

"I just told you, kid."

"Then why were you crying last night?" She bites her lip, damns her thin walls and Henry's impeccable observation skills. She doesn't answer, just grabs him and lifts him up.

"Only because I missed you so much!" She exclaims and he laughs as she presses a kiss to his cheek.

"I have to finish my-"

"Hey." She says softly, "I love you, you know that right?"

"I love you too, mommy." He smiles and wraps his arms around her neck. "But you have to put me down."

"Aw, why?"

"Because my project isn't going to finish itself."

"You don't have to do it all tonight."

"But I want to."

"Nerd." She smiles and he laughs, "Ah, I'm just kidding, but it is late, how about we do more tomorrow night?"

"Okay." She shifts him in her arms.

"God, you're getting so heavy. I miss when you were tiny."

"I can't shrink."

"I wish you could."

"No." He shakes his head, "I can't shrink, but you can just have another one."

"Is that what you want?" She asks, "A sibling for Christmas?"

"It'd be kind of nice."

"Yeah? Well, I hate to tell you but it doesn't work like that, I'm afraid they wouldn't get here in time for Christmas."

"That's okay." He says, "I'm known for my patience." She rolls her eyes.

"Well, that's one thing we don't have in common. Okay." She says, putting him down, "Go get ready for bed, kiddo. I'll clean this up." He runs upstairs and she sets about cleaning up the kitchen, sweeping up scraps of paper and wiping stray blobs of glue off the table. She checks her phone, but she doesn't have any new messages or missed calls. She calls Killian but he doesn't answer, it hurts more than it should.

She stands in the bathroom, tears streaming down her face, a pregnancy test on the edge of the sink she can't bring herself to look at.

She wants it to be negative, she needs it to be negative. She misses him, she misses him so much but she messed up and if this is positive, she doesn't want him to feel like he has to stay. She takes a deep breath before looking at it, flipping it over.

One bold line and its negative, she gives a sigh of relief, looking at it like it might change even though she gave it longer than the instructions said to.

She tosses it in the trash and tells herself she'll take another one in a few days just to make sure.

Not because she's a little disappointed even after telling herself how badly she needed it to be negative.

She calls him again and he still doesn't answer so she goes to bed with a heavy feeling settling itself in her limbs.

Ruby isn't quite as understanding, she's more confused than anything as she walks with Emma to the bus stop to pick up Henry. Today is the last day and he's off for two weeks, he'll be staying with Neal for one.

"So, he told you he loved you and you kicked him out?" Ruby asks, "And now he isn't answering your calls."

"Yeah."

"It's a really busy time for him, it probably doesn't mean he isn't desperate to talk to you." She's right, today is Killian's last day too, and he has finals to worry about grading and probably lots of paperwork. Emma doesn't tell her she's taken three pregnancy tests this week either. All of them were negative so she knows she's not. Maybe she's hoping it happens so she has more of a reason to see him.

"I just miss him."

"Go to him?"

"I don't want to bother him."

"You could never bother that man." Ruby says softly, "After Neal picks up Henry."

"Sure." She says, but she doesn't. After Neal picks up Henry she decides against it.

She doesn't have a reason for it.

She lays in bed that night, calls him a few times, he doesn't answer. He called her earlier but she missed it.

At this point, they're playing phone tag. She types out a message, an I love you too, but she doesn't send it. She doesn't want that to be how she tells him. She counts sheep to try and fall asleep but it doesn't work, she gets to one hundred and she's still wide awake.

It's three a.m. and she's staring at her keys, his key on her chain. Screw this.

She gets dressed and heads out, ignoring how hard it's snowing as she gets in her car and sets out for his place, he's probably sleeping by now but she doesn't care. If she's quiet she can just crawl into bed with him and sleep.

She's close when it happens, her phone starts ringing in the passenger seat and she looks away from the road for two seconds to see Ruby's name lighting up her screen. She looks back, snow covering her windshield and she can't see but she keeps going because she thinks she's going the right way.

She slams her car right into a guardrail, the crash of the front of her car crushing against the railing covering up the loud ringing of her phone.

She comes to sometime later, a little bit dazed and a whole lot of sore. She tries to open her door but she can't, it slams against something, a tree branch? It's a good thing she didn't try and get out that way because she doesn't see the road there, she sees a drop, the driver side is on top of the rail, almost falling but not.

Well, that's fantastic.

She can hear her phone buzzing, it fell somewhere under the seat and she doesn't where it is. Emma crawls over to the passenger side, her head screaming at her to stop moving because it hurts. She pushes the door open, groaning she pulls herself out and steps into the snow. This is the point she realizes her shoe fell off, one foot bare and cold against the snow and ice. She looks around for it, still not completely processing what happened but she doesn't find it.

"Where's my…" She runs a hand through her hair, hand pulling away when she feels something sticky, "Oh." Its blood, just a little bit, covering her palm and she looks around again.

Where is her damn shoe?

She starts walking, she's really close to Killians, well within walking distance, her keys dangling by the tip of her finger. Her foot hurts...she must have stepped in the glass if she had her shoe that wouldn't be much of a problem.

She can see that it's leaving a bloody footprint in the snow and she curses herself for taking her shoe for granted, she's going to get blood on the floor and Killian will be mad at her, he won't love her anymore and it's all because she lost her shoe.

It takes her a minute to get the key in the keyhole because she's shaking, she doesn't know why; she isn't cold. She eventually gets it in, twisting the knob quietly and then going in. The lights are off and she frowns.

He's sleeping, how can he possibly be sleeping?

Smee runs to her, tail wagging, gives a sniff and then a whine. She must look like she walked out of a horror movie. All cut up and bloody, but she's not really in any pain. Smee runs down the hallway and scratches at Killian's door, runs back to her, whines goes back and scratches at Killian's bedroom door again. He does this three times before she hears a noise from the bedroom, the door opening, and closing.

"What buddy?" Killian asks and Smee takes off towards her a little howl and a whine and Killian turns on the lights.

The look on his face is pure horror.

"Emma." He whispers and then he's rushing to her, "What the hell happened? What happened?" He's cupping her face, touching her arms, hands resting on her hips as he looks her over, and she smiles at him because she missed him and she loves him and she should tell him but when she opens her mouth to say it, she says something else.

"I lost my shoe." She says softly, "I'm getting blood on the floor, you probably hate me for it, I'm sorry."

"No, baby, it's okay, it's okay." He whispers touching her head and she winces, flinching away from his touch. He's never called her that before, maybe jokingly but never seriously. It makes her stomach do a weird twisty thing and her chest get all...warm.

"I'm tired."

"I'm taking you to the hospital."

"But it doesn't hurt."

"That's because you're in shock." She nods and he dresses quickly and then when he's back, he ushers her out the door.

A/N: Guys whoever left the comment about asking Santa for an update, you made me laugh. It's been a bit of a wait, I'm sorry. I got you guys so used to daily updates and then just disappeared. Hi, hello, I'm back. This ones a long one, I hope you enjoy.