(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 10
Mother and daughter sat down on the couch, box of tissue on standby on the coffee table as T.J. turned to Veronica and waited for her to begin. Veronica didn't really know where to start. She almost wished T.J. would ask questions outright, but then panicked that answering them would be harder than any explanation she tried to give without prompting.
"So, he didn't know you were pregnant?" asked T.J. out of the blue.
"No, Logan didn't know," Veronica shook her head. "I know I should've told him but... He and I had a very complicated relationship," she sighed, knowing that she was going to have to find away to abridge so many complex events in her history with Logan in order to get this out before the day was done. "Logan was my best friend's boyfriend when we started High School," she said, deciding it was the only real place to start. "After Lilly died, well, we didn't get along so well. We kind of blamed each other for her death, I guess, but then we realised we were just angry because we cared for each other, and we were on-and-off through High School".
T.J. nodded along, willing her mother to get on with the story. It was kind of crazy to think of her mother dating a famous actor, and never having mentioned it once. Now she supposed she knew why given her secret parentage, but it was so much to take in. "We were together going into college, but every time we seemed happy there was just always something that came between us," Veronica went on to explain. "I could tell you it was all his fault for being jealous or out of control or whatever, but it was me too," she sighed. "I wanted him to be a certain way that he couldn't be, but I expected him to love me without any changes at all. Relationships are about comprimise and Logan and me, we just couldn't seem to reach one," she shrugged, finding it sad and almost pathetic even now.
They had danced around each other so long, loved and lost, fought and cried. It was an unholy mess of a relationship, and all it really needed was for the two of them to grow up. Instead, Logan had run, and Veronica had let him, the two of them forced to be adults after they parted when she realised she had a new life growing inside her, and he took on a career, following in the footsteps of his famous family. It was a shame they couldn't have figured out their issues together rather than apart, then this conversation would not have to be happening.
"So, you weren't dating when he left?" said T.J. then, cutting through the mists of time that had settled in her mothers head.
"No," Veronica confirmed. "He was single, I had just broken up with my boyfriend. I went over to his place when I heard he was leaving, we got into yet another stupid fight and... and then..."
"And then you made me, right?" her daughter filled in for her, with a completely unreadable expression that even Veronica couldn't figure.
"We did," she nodded once. "In the morning, I ran before he had a chance to, and we never saw each other again... until yesterday".
T.J. nodded that she had followed the plot of the true story, but she wasn't grasping how this had come to pass, how her whole life had been a lie. She understood tumultuous relationships, she'd seen the soap operas and the movies. More than that, she had heard tales of her mother's clients and domestic disturbances her father had dealt with. It wasn't always a case of marry the man or woman of your dreams and live happily ever after, that almost never happened outside of fairytales. Relationships were tough and took work, she understood that. One night stands happened, affairs, pain and heartache. She just never thought her own family would be caught up in something like this.
"Why didn't you call him when you found out you were having me?" she asked then, curled up in the corner of the couch looking strangely small and vulnerable.
Veronica hated to see her little girl look that way. From a small child, T.J. never failed to appear larger than life, almost appearing several inches taller than her real height. She was a tower of strength and sometimes a little too much attitude. She was Veronica and Logan combined and never showed fear or weakness to the world if she could help it. Right now she might as well have been a terrified bunny in the headlights of a Mack truck.
"I almost did," said Veronica, clearing her throat. "I almost called him so many times, but no time seemed like the right time and... T.J., you need to understand that I didn't keep you and Logan apart because he's a bad person or because I ever regretted you - I didn't," she swore. "The truth was, I was scared".
Those words were surprising in themselves, T.J. realised. Her mother really didn't do scared. In her line of work, she couldn't afford to, and yet telling Logan Echolls that she was about to or had given birth to his daughter had terrified her.
Veronica herself now recalled one particular time she had almost told her ex the truth, and relayed the tale to T.J. as it came to mind.
Leo had left to go to work, her father wouldn't be back til late, and Veronica was alone in the apartment, clutching the sonogram picture of the baby growing inside her. They weren't sure yet if the child would be a boy or a girl, but one thing Veronica knew for sure was that this was a baby made of her and Logan Echolls. A couple of months after the very first scan that showed the life going inside her, Leo had promised Veronica to be there by her side always. He offered to raise this baby as his own son or daughter and she had agreed.
Veronica didn't want to regret that decision made already. She didn't want to make Leo a bad guy for offering her so much, a whole chunk of his life and his heart that she felt she had no right to take. Still, she felt guilty for her deception. Leo was going into this with his eyes wide open, but everyone else around them was oblivious to the truth, even her own father. For Veronica, it was a toss up as to which was worse - lying to her Dad, or lying to Logan.
Her eyes strayed to the phone and Veronica's breath caught in her throat. She could call them, either of them, and tell the truth. She could wait until her Dad came home and confess her lie, ask for his forgiveness, and she knew that she would get it. Unfortunately, she also knew how he would feel about her keeping the baby's existence from Logan. After their own paternity dramas, the Mars family knew better than anyone what pain and suffering came from these secrets and lies. Veronica knew what she was doing was wrong, of course she did, and yet she felt compelled to do it anyway.
A hundred different scenarios ran through her head, all different ways that Logan could react to the news that he was going to be a father. Half of them started out well with him being thrilled at the prospect, but took a nose dive into tragedy the more Veronica thought on them. Either he would come back to Neptune, cutting short his acting career, and eventually resenting her for ruining his life. The alternative was her going to New York, leaving her own life behind to help him chase his dream, and probably spending more time fighting over these things than loving each other.
Then there was the possibility of him taking it badly. There had never been a serious conversation between the young couple about children. They had both mentioned in passing that they could stand to be parents, one day, way off in the distance. The possibility of it happening so soon had never come to mind, and Veronica thought there was still every possibility of Logan telling her she should get rid of their baby or something.
The idea of seeing him again both scared her and thrilled her all at once. He was gone from Neptune and belonged to the world now, not just to her. He would be a star, she knew it. His family name may be tinged with the worst side of fame and more, but the Echolls were still known as celebrities in their own way. There were contacts in Logan's life, people he could go to for a boost in the business. He would be rich and famous and successful. There was no room for Veronica in that life, even less so a baby.
Veronica rolled onto her side, putting her back to the phone, her decision quite made. She wouldn't call, she wouldn't tell. Her friends and neighbours would believe she and Leo got back together and the baby was his own. They could get married, raise their child, be happy. Veronica knew she was fooling herself in so many ways, the tears on her cheeks proved it as she tried in vain to tell herself everything would be okay. Her life had never been so simple and perfect, and she couldn't believe it would start now.
"Grandpa Mars doesn't know?" asked T.J. when Veronica was done with her tale of the past.
"He does," her mother nodded solemnly. "Later, I had to tell him the truth. Keeping the secret was killing me and... and in the end, there were three people I had to confide in, or I never would've got through all this".
T.J. was mad about the fact so many people knew of her true parentage while she was in the dark, but she was trying her best to see this from her mother's point of view. She had tried to do what was best for everybody at the time, and she truly regretted the pain she had caused, that much was clear. Of course, that didn't change the fact that T.J. still needed answers.
"Grandpa Mars, Uncle Wallace?" she guessed at who must know what had happened.
"Yes," Veronica nodded again, "and Aunt Mac. When the divorce happened, she went kinda gung ho on your Dad... on Leo," she said awkwardly. "She couldn't understand why we were breaking up and the only way to explain was to tell her the truth. We went through a tough time then," she sighed.
"I remember," T.J. frowned. "I remember you crying and I thought it was about Dad, but then he was here and telling you it would be okay... that never made sense".
"Mac thought I'd done a bad thing in pretending Leo was your Dad, which I did, I know," Veronica explained. "It's a touchy subject with her, sweetheart, I can't say more than that," she shook her head.
T.J. didn't like that there seemed to be more secrets at every turn, but then this one belonged to Aunt Mac and therefore must be kept by others. It had to have something to do with her being adopted, but that was for Mac to explain if she ever wanted to. T.J. had some understanding and respect for other peoples personal matters, so she let it go. She had enough stuff of her own to figure out right now.
"Grandpa Mars must've understood in the end. Uncle Wallace too," she considered, remembering them parting with her Mom's BFF on good terms, and her grandfather never doing anything less than loving and spoiling the both of them.
"Wallace admitted that he already thought maybe you were Logan's daughter," the blonde smiled a little sadly at the memory. "I guess he saw him in you, the way I do sometimes," she admitted, as T.J. ducked her face away, not wanting to hear she was anything like the father she had yet to properly meet. "Your Grandpa, he was very, very mad at me, first for lying and second for being so stupid as to get myself pregnant by Logan Echolls of all people, especially the night before he left Neptune for good," she sighed heavily. "I honestly wondered if he'd ever forgive me".
"But he did," said T.J. then. "Everybody did, and I want to," she admitted. "But Mom, it really, really hurts," she said, as tears poured down her cheeks one more time.
Veronica reached to hold her, and kissed the top of her head as she tried to bring any comfort she could. It was hurting her too, to see poor Teresa in so much pain. Her little girl, she meant the absolute world to Veronica, and she hated so much how she had come to be hurt badly by the news of her true parentage. These last two days together couldn't really get much worse, between her daughter's agony, her ex-husband's pain, the fight between T.J.'s two 'fathers', and all the rest of the fallout that occurred, just because Veronica let the truth be hidden away this one time.
"Oh," Veronica reacted when the doorbell rang three times in a row.
"Who would be here this early?" asked T.J., wiping her face on the backs of her hands the moment her mother released her from a tight hug.
Veronica didn't answer, since she was pretty sure she already knew the answer and T.J. would not like it. Getting up and straightening herself out, she headed for the door and opened it cautiously.
"Logan," she greet him with a sniff that couldn't be helped.
"Hey," he replied flatly, his eyes following T.J. then as she bolted up the stairs right in front of him.
Though Veronica called after her, she didn't stop running, and her bedroom door slammed with ferocity just a second or two later. Veronica closed her eyes a moment and took a deep breath. She deserved this, this whole entire mess that she had made, but honestly, she had no idea how to deal with this situation. Here she had the father of a child that so wanted to see her, and a child that had no inclination whatsoever to meet him.
"This is so much easier to handle when I'm not in the middle," she said more to herself than to Logan as she ushered him inside.
He had a hundred things he wanted to say, that were all swimming around in his head in a whirl right now, but none seemed to want to make it past his lips. As much as Veronica had hurt him with her lies, as much as he ought to be boiling mad at her, seeing her tear-stained and heart-broken still tore at his insides. He couldn't delight in her pain, not even now, and would never want to.
"I'm sorry," he found himself saying, despite the fact he was probably the least to blame in this whole situation.
It had occurred to him that if he never came back here none of this would ever have happened, and Logan felt some guilt at upsetting T.J. so much. No, it wasn't really his fault, he never lied to the girl, he hadn't deliberately abandoned her. Until yesterday, he had no idea she existed, never mind that she was his own flesh and blood. Still, he felt bad.
Veronica looked up the stairs where her daughter had run and then at Logan. She shook her head, though neither of them were sure if the negative gesture was meant to say his apology wasn't needed or just that she had no idea where to begin with words. She found her voice just a moment later in any case.
"If anyone should be sorry, it's very much me," she said softly. "Sorry I lied to my daughter, sorry I kept things from you, sorry I let myself believe what Leo told me about any of this being a good idea. As much as I love T.J. and wouldn't trade her for the world... I'm most sorry I was so weak that last night before you left, that we were both so young and stupid!" she said frustratedly.
"I never regretted that night," said Logan then, without even thinking about it.
Veronica had walked half way to the couch when he spoke, but turned back the instant the words left his lips. She wasn't sure what to make of what he said. Sleeping with her the night before he left Neptune had created their daughter, and in that sense, Veronica couldn't ever truly want to take it back. Of course, if they had made better decisions that night, T.J. would never be here for Veronica to know about. They might have gone on with their lives quite happily, together or apart, and none of this would be happening now. As it was, time couldn't be changed, nor circumstances of the past altered. Things were as they were now, and must be dealt with as best as anyone could.
"I don't know what to say, Logan," she admitted, sitting down heavily on the couch then. "I wish that I did, I wish there was some easy way to make this all okay, but no matter how many times I say I'm sorry, no matter what..." she stopped then, not deliberately but just because she couldn't form any further words.
With her fingers pushed deep into her hair and her eyes to the carpet, Veronica started sobbing again. She hated this. She never cried so much in her whole life, not even when she found out she was pregnant and wondered how she would ever cope with a baby so young.
Logan felt stupid, in all kinds of ways as he stood in the doorway, looking between his crying ex and the stairs up which his stranger of a daughter had recently run. He didn't belong here, and yet he loved both these people in the strangest way. Veronica had been his other half and he had thought for the longest time they really were epic and destined to be together some day. Teresa Jane was his daughter, made of him and the only woman he ever loved so much, and yet he had never officially met her, and still wouldn't today by the seem of things.
Veronica almost forgot Logan was there at all as she cried, until suddenly she was startled to feel the odd familiarity of his body beside hers, his hand on her back, trying to bring any kind of comfort. It didn't make sense, after all these years, as mad as he ought to be at her and everything. Still, when his arms opened to hold her, she went into them willingly and sobbed into his shoulder as she had done so many years ago when things got really bad.
To have the woman he loved most in his arms again, it conjured up a strange feeling inside of Logan's heart. He had returned to Neptune because it made sense to him to come back to where he had spent his formative years. Still, as crazy as it sounded, he had not felt like he had truly come home until this moment.
To Be Continued...
A/N: I swear, next chapter Logan and T.J. will meet properly. Its taking a little longer than I thought to get to stuff - still with me?