"So…you're actually not as big a band of losers as I thought," said Robbin' Joker, addressing his merry men when he was safely back at camp.
"The words 'thank you' wouldn't go amiss," retorted Catwoman. "We didn't have to rescue you, you know."
"Then why did you?" asked Robbin' Joker.
Catwoman shrugged. "We got bored waiting for you to get back, and we figured heading into danger was more fun than just hanging around here."
"Aw, you guys have learned from me!" chuckled Robbin' Joker. "Fun is the only reason you should do anything!"
"We also couldn't agree on who would replace you if you died," spoke up Crane. "The arguments went on and on and on, until we actually thought it would be simpler if you just didn't die. Rescuing you was ultimately less trouble than choosing a new leader."
"Well then, I'm also thankful for you buncha ridiculous egotists and your inability to cooperate!" chuckled Robbin' Joker.
"As am I," agreed Maid Harley, embracing Robbin' Joker. "I can never thank you enough for saving my love and me. And now we can be together in peace, with no one to interfere," she said, beaming at him.
"Put me down at once, you two-faced monstrosity!" shrieked a familiar voice, and a second later, Two-Face appeared in the clearing, still carrying a struggling and shrieking Lady Pamela over his shoulder.
"Pamela, whatever are you doing here?" asked Maid Harley, astonished.
"This hideous brute kidnapped me!" screamed Lady Pamela, as Two-Face dropped her onto the ground.
"She said she goes where you go, so I obliged her," said Two-Face, shrugging. "I kind of regret I did now, when all the thanks I get is a bunch of insults."
"You take your filthy hands off my lady now!" shouted Lady Pamela, helping herself up and charging toward Robbin' Joker. She was once again restrained by Two-Face.
"Gee, thanks for bringing her along, Harvey," said Robbin' Joker, his voice dripping sarcasm. "Just what I wanted to be stuck with, the codpiece-blocker."
"You even think about my lady like that, and I'll cut you," hissed Lady Pamela.
"Pamela, calm down!" snapped Maid Harley. "J and I are in love, and frankly, that love is none of your business. It's nobody's business but our own. I don't mind you staying here as my friend, but you will not tell me what I may and may not do, nor will you order around the man I love."
"But my lady, if you could just realize that what you feel for this man is not love, and that one day you'll regret giving up everything for this pathetic outlaw…" began Lady Pamela.
"I would also ask that you refrain from trying to tell me about my own feelings," interrupted Maid Harley. "I know my own heart, and it belongs to J. I trust it and him completely. I don't need to know anyone else's feelings on the matter but my own, so in future, please keep your opinions about my personal life to yourself."
She took Robbin' Joker's hand. "Come along, J. Let's go someplace where we can have some privacy."
"My lady, don't allow yourself to be alone with an outlaw – he'll only try to take advantage of you!" shouted Lady Pamela as Maid Harley and Robbin' Joker headed off into the woods.
"Well, you're now alone with outlaws, and I'm pretty sure nobody here is going to try anything with you," retorted Catwoman. "Johnny, get dinner started."
"Why am I always the one who has to cook?" demanded Crane. "We actually have a lady-in-waiting with us now – why can't she cook?"
"Are you implying that just because I'm a woman, I'll automatically be an excellent cook?" demanded Lady Pamela. "Are you implying that cooking is women's work, and it's demeaning of you to do that? Are you implying that I should confine myself to the kitchen, like all women should in your twisted mind?!"
"Um…no," stammered Crane. "I just assumed…that would be a skill you had because you're a servant for Maid Harley."
"I'm a lady-in-waiting, not a cook!" snapped Lady Pamela. "There's a world of difference!"
"Some of us wouldn't know, not having experienced a life of luxury," retorted Crane.
"Yes, what does a lady-in-waiting actually do?" asked Catwoman. "Enlighten us."
"I wait on my lady," retorted Lady Pamela. "And protect her from the dangers of the world, and of men in particular. Or at least, I try to."
"What have men ever done to you that you feel you need to protect Maid Harley from them?" asked Catwoman.
"Plenty," retorted Lady Pamela. "They're all selfish and deceptive, claiming to love you, and then abandoning you once they've taken what they want from you. They're completely untrustworthy, the lot of them."
"Sounds like you had a bad experience," commented Two-Face. "But that's no reason to tar all men with the same brush. We're mostly all right. There's probably an equal amount of bad men as there are bad women out there."
"Yes, now we're pretty evenly matched in our band of outlaws," said Catwoman, nodding. "With you and Maid Harley here, we've got an equal number of men and women."
"My lady and I are not part of your band of outlaws!" snapped Lady Pamela. "I'm going to get both of us away from here as soon as possible!"
"Good luck," retorted Two-Face. "J isn't going to let her leave, and she clearly doesn't want to. You're both stuck here for the foreseeable future, so you should try to make the best of it."
Lady Pamela glared at him, but said nothing. Crane began to gather ingredients for the stew, and it wasn't long before Lady Pamela commented, "You're doing that wrong. You need more seasoning. Don't you people have any herbs? You live in a forest, after all."
"You're welcome to go find some," retorted Crane, slicing a mushroom.
"If you eat that, it's going to kill you," snapped Lady Pamela. "Honestly, how have you people survived this long without knowing basic things about plants?!"
"Are you some kind of plant expert?" asked Crane, sarcastically.
"I am, actually," retorted Lady Pamela. "I love plants."
"Then you'll fit right in living in a forest, won't you?" asked Catwoman.
"And you're welcome to take over the cooking," agreed Crane, shoving the stew pot at her.
"Yes, give it a try," said Two-Face. "You can't be any worse than Johnny."
Lady Pamela glared at him, but slowly took the pot and began hunting around for herbs. "I should just poison you all," she muttered. "But I'm hungry after that kidnapping."
…
"It's a beautiful forest, J," said Maid Harley, as she and Robbin' Joker wandered underneath the leafy green canopy and among the flower-carpeted grass.
"Yeah, and I've saved the best for last," said Robbin' Joker, nodding at a giant, gnarled old tree in front of them. He grabbed ahold of one of the branches and pulled himself up the trunk, then held his hand out to Maid Harley. "C'mon," he said.
She laughed. "I can't possibly climb that!" she exclaimed.
"Why not? I'll help you," he said.
"I'm wearing a dress – it makes climbing very difficult," she said.
"Just tuck it between your legs or something," said Robbin' Joker, shrugging.
"As a lady, I can't possibly…" began Maid Harley, but then she stopped and smiled. "All right," she said, rolling her skirt up and then tucking it out of the way. She tentatively put her foot up on the trunk, and then began to scale it slowly, with Robbin' Joker's help.
They reached the top at last, which revealed an area big enough for two people to comfortably sit in, and a spectacular view. The sun was just setting over the forest, dyeing the leaves red and golden. In the distance, the clouds looked like brushstrokes of light purple in the fading light.
"It's so beautiful, J," whispered Maid Harley.
"It sure is," agreed Robbin' Joker, gazing at her.
She blushed, cuddling against him as they watched the sunset together. "See what kinda great things you can see if you don't let yourself be bound by the rules of society?" asked Robbin' Joker. "You woulda missed this spectacular sunset if you'd insisted you couldn't climb because of your dress."
"I'll never be bound by any rules again," murmured Maid Harley.
"That's good to hear, toots," he said, putting an arm around her. "You'll never be unhappy that way."
"I'll never be unhappy with you," she replied. "I love you, J."
"Yeah, you must," agreed Robbin' Joker. "That's the only reason you'd give up everything to be with me right now."
"I don't regret it," she said. "I never imagined I could feel as happy as I do right now with you. I never knew such feelings were even possible."
He kissed her forehead. "I always dreamed about a man like you, you know," she murmured. "Brave, strong, handsome…"
"Clown?" he asked, grinning.
"Sense of humor, yes," agreed Maid Harley, smiling at him.
"Outlaw?" he asked.
"Oh, that part is a bonus," she said, grinning. "I never knew being attracted to such a bad man could feel so right. But then I suppose that means there's a bad person in me too."
"I think there probably is, toots," he agreed. "And it'd be such a shame not to let her out."
"I don't think Maid Harley is an appropriate name for a bad lady," replied Maid Harley. "What would you suggest for my outlaw name?"
"Well, let's see," he said. He thought for a moment and then said, "You could join in the clown theme and call yourself Harley Quinn."
"What does Harley Quinn have to do with a clown?" asked Maid Harley, puzzled.
"Oh, that's right, Harlequin probably hasn't been invented yet," muttered Robbin' Joker. "Just trust me, toots – in a couple hundred years, it'll be a good joke."
Maid Harley shrugged. "All right. I do trust you. Harley Quinn it is."
"So…you're up for losing the Maid part of your name?" he asked, sidling closer to her. "And what about the Maid part of yourself?"
She stared at him, puzzled. "I'm afraid I don't know what you mean."
"Oh…right," he stammered. "Gee, this is…kinda awkward, having to explain this to you…uh…your lady-in-waiting didn't have the talk with you?"
"What talk?" asked Maid Harley.
"The…talk about…things that can happen between men and women," said Robbin' Joker, slowly.
"You mean courting?" asked Maid Harley. "And how it can lead to marriage?"
"Uh…like that," agreed Robbin' Joker. "Did she explain what would happen…the night after you got married?"
"No," replied Maid Harley. "Only that I would find out on the night, and that I probably wouldn't enjoy it, but it's something husbands and wives have to do, so I would just have to put up with it and make the best of it."
"Wow…that's…romantic," said Robbin' Joker. "Ok…never mind, then."
"You could tell me what you mean," said Maid Harley. "Or show me, if you like."
"Nah, I'd feel kinda bad if you don't know what you're consenting to," he said. "I'll show you after we're married."
"You…want to marry me?" asked Maid Harley, astonished.
"Sure," he said, shrugging. "I mean, we got the friar stopping by often enough – he might as well make himself useful. That is, if you want to marry me, of course."
"Of course I do," she said, beaming.
He reached up and plucked a sapling from one of the branches, tying it into a small circle which he then slid onto her finger. "There you go," he said. "Engagement ring. Until I can steal you something nicer, anyway."
"I think I prefer this one to all the jewels you could steal," she replied, twining her fingers into his. "Wild and perfect, like my outlaw."
They kissed tenderly, and then leaned against each other as they watched the sun disappear completely behind the trees, and the stars begin lighting up the night sky.