FURTHER INFORMATION YOU CAN USE TODAY PART I
FIVE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL NEGOTIATION
I consulted several prominent, if unnamed, business leaders (both alien and human) to compile these simple, commonsense negotiating tips. If you have trouble memorizing them, picture the words in your mind. Picture them in an elegant font or alphabet, and now picture them at the bottom of a corporate inspirational poster of the kind you see in a catalogue on an airplane, the kind that features beautiful photographs of wolves or valhalladons (a wolflike predator native to many Rahaarite moons) or soaring eagles or flying kinamingan (hawklike predator native to Avder-jar) or golf courses or käfaki (golflike sport) courses. Now you'll remember them. Now they're unforgettable.
1. A prominent Avder-Rahaarite attorney writes: "Remember that as a negotiator, you're first and foremost a mental warrior. Think like a ninja or a Guhlamite bajli. But note, it's not appropriate to dress like a ninja or bajli." (Note: it is acceptable to dress like a Samura or Guhlamite iskemdeb.)
2. A respected human salesman suggests: "In any negotiation, the very first words out of your mouth should be 'That's my final offer.' Use this starting point to then try to convince the other party that time's moving backward. Things will go much easier this way. If this gambit fails, however, you should deny saying anything at all."
3. A renowned Byazarese Martian entrepreneur recommends: "Repeatedly ask to speak to the decision-maker. If the other party claims to be the decision-maker, begin intimidation technique one: silently stand, and then lift your shirt to reveal your pistol (or, alternatively, your samurai or iskemdeb sword)."
4. A bestselling human author on the subject of "negotiation" reminds: "Negotiation requires compromise. Each party must gain something, and each must give something up. Before you begin your negotiation, privately consider what you're willing to give away. Now gather all of that and put it in a sack. Hide the sack in a secure location, such as a cave that's laced with explosives that you can detonate by remote control. Take the remote control in with you to the negotiation. As any experienced negotiator knows, in order to succeed, you must be willing to walk away from the deal at any moment, and then blow up the cave. Note: The sack should be made of velvet."
5. A former professional Darisite literary agent advises: "If you're negotiating face-to-face, be sure to separate the room first into 'power zones.' the classic five zones are: Rock, Fire, Air, and Double Stinger. Use colored masking tape to demarcate the zones, but be sure to purify the tape first by passing it through a cloud of incense or burying it in fertile ground for ten days. Cast runes or glyphs to determine where your prime negotiation postion's located for that day. Don't let anyone else touch your runes. Attempt to maneuver the other party into the zone that the runes favor. This is what the humans call 'getting him just where you want him.' Ignore the old adage that it's best to negotiate from a position of strength. Recent studies prove that it's always best to negotiate from Double Stinger.
(Ready for Negotiation: : / / a au s h . a r t / G u h - - 38 ? w= 10 % )
HOW TO WIN A FIGHT
Sometimes, sadly, negotiation fails, and that's when fighting begins. I'm not exactly proud to report that I've had some experience in this field as well.
For while I'm now a very quiet person, as my clan's PR manager, I'm involved in many fights, as well as several imbroglios and two major clan feuds, and throughout all of these conficts, I was always the victor. I'm basically invincible. I don't mean to gloat, but whether it's a fistfight, a swordfight, a gunfight, or test of wills, I always seem to win, and people naturally wanna know how this can be. The answer's very simple, and I'm pleased to share it with you now: I've got a system for winning. And it has three steps.
STEP 1: ALWAYS MAKE EYE CONTACT. If you turn away, you show fear. Even if your enemy's not in the same room, you should always be making eye contact, preferably for an hour or longer. Once you've made eye contact for twenty-five minutes or so, go ahead and growl. This is very intimidating. You may have noticed that Giyal Malkod-Faleb, the Lolir/Touno hybrid wrestler and actor known as "Cchag Gheth" (Martian for "the mountain") uses this trick all the time. And in fact, I taught him how to do it in 2537.
STEP 2: GO AHEAD AND USE HENCHMEN. I know everyone wants to fight his/her own battles, but in this day and age, it's simply unnecessary and actually sort of frowned upon. Especially when there are so many skilled henchmen who're out of work. I also recommend buying your henchmen jackets with a picture of the first letter of your name embroidered on the back. My feeling is that if it's good enough for the Joker, it should be good enough for you.
(Historical Fisticuffs: : / n . d a r t / - F - ? = 1 0 % 45 2 4 )
STEP 3: I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH: RUN LOTS OF ATTACK ADS. This has always worked for me. Some people say that these ads are just negative smears and bad for our galaxy. I say that these people have voted to raise taxes ninety-five times and are probably from Kwatlaklama. In fact, a certain online magazine recently ranked these people the number-one "most incorrect" and "probably telonakist (communist)" people on Kwatlaklama, and the number-one "most personally against" Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa. So who are you gonna trust? Me? Or the probably Telonakist Kwatlaklama residents who're against me?
I've run about 1,000 attack ads this year, and I expect that I'll buy even more air time next year, because my enemies are getting stronger. As a template for your own efforts, I'm happy to provide for you here, for the first time in print, the scripts of three of my most successful attack ads.
ATTACK AD #1
"Borderline irresponsible..."
That's what friends of Yartha'yajknaush "Yar" Tavdhladleklwa are saying about Buford Van Stomm.
Last weekend, Buford Van Stomm agreed to look in on Yar Tavdhladleklwa's Viperwolves when he was on Enktolari, on the Ókólamite moon of Yarunk.
The fact is: He didn't. Even though the record shows that Van Stomm has his own pet (a goldfish), so he obviously know how to take care of one.
Cat got your tongue, Mr. Van Stomm?
Yar Tavdhladleklwa's a better choice. When Yar Tavdhladleklwa found a stray dog on Danville's 6th street last week, he worked tirelessly to find it a home.
He even took it to the vet for a checkup.
Fact is, Yar Tavdhladleklwa's working hard for animals: all animals. Not just the ones he owns.
"Borderline irresponsible..."
"Doesn't add up..."
"Cat got your tongue..."
Does Buford Van Stomm sound like someone you want to pet-sit for you?
Henrietta Pussycat Says, "Meow meow meow meow, NO FUCKIN' WAY, meow meow meow."
I ran this next ad a few years ago when I was taking a former neighbor of mine to court for not paying his back rent, which I then had to pay.
ATTACK AD #2
What's going on with Lalom Shebaskal?
When Yar Tavdhladleklwa needed a subletter for his Nihakh, Shebaskal said he was the man for the job.
But his résumé tells a different story.
Turns out, Shebaskal wasn't just a local waiter, but also a hypnotist.
Say what?
And it turns out, Lalom Shebaskal also goes by the name LAL SHAMT
Run that by me again?
What Shebaskal doesn't want you to know is that when he skipped out on $1,200 worth of back rent, Tavdhladleklwa's father described Shebaskal as a "moocher" and said that Shebaskal had been caught masturbating out of the window on two separate occasions.
Cat out of the bag, Mr. Shebaskal?
Yar Tavdhladleklwa's a better choice. He's never practiced hypnosis, never used an alias, and has masturbated out of a window only once.
Moocher...
Masturbator...
Hypnotist...
Grant Yar Tavdhladleklwa a summary judgment against Mr. Shebaskal and let him move on with his life.
After all, it's time to reach out and unite our galaxy. Not masturbate out a window.
And here's another, an ad I ran on the Darisite-Byazarese colony of Kab Leng, on vacation with my girlfriend, Eliza, on my 17th birthday.
ATTACK AD #3
1,400 Lyosolëra
That's how much the Preshembë Hotel on Kab Leng demanded as a deposit to cater Yar Tavdhladleklwa's birthday in 2537.
1,400 Lyosolëra
That's how much it cost to reserve the main dining room, which the Preshembë Hotel said could hold 400 people.
Fact is, the Preshembë would be lucky if the dining room could hold 200 people.
Fact is, the Preshembë lied, and when Yar Tavdhladleklwa asked for his deposit back, the Preshembë Hotel suddenly stopped returning his calls.
1,400 Lyosolëra
Is that the going rate...for a swindle?
1,400 Lyosolëra
Or is that money the Preshembë needs to house a coven of evil wizards?
Small...
Greedy...
Doesn't return phone calls...
The Preshembë Hotel: Is it full of wizards?
I hope this has proved instructive. Naturally, these messages have been paid for by the friends of Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa, and they've been approved by me, Yartha'yajknaush Tavdhladleklwa.
SHORT WORDS FOR USE ON CLOAKSHIPS TO PRESERVE AIR.
Kacchaja-Kemmik-ë cchag Jede (Martian): Chief of the Ship
Dokend-Dodeng Kend (Nitarikit): a favorite snack among cloakshippers, as they make no noise when eaten.
Dhazh-Dhazhib'i-ë Cchag Yaswa (Martian)-Control of the Cloak: under Patshityotë, he who has "the Dhazh" need not relenquish it until he's ready. Thereafter, "the Dhazh" automatically goes to kaihijit or whomever's put a coin on the screen.
Patshityotë-Panrif shu Tauninil (Nitarikit)-Code of Space: an unofficial and unwritten code of cloakship conduct. While some precepts are universally accepted (i.e., "a cloakshipper never climbs a mountain"; "a cloakshipper who kills a sun-person shall raise that sun-person's children"; "a cloakshipper never opens the windows"), others are simply made up on the spot in an effort to confuse kashasakas ("a senior cloakshipper has the right to confiscate all hidden jewels belonging to a junior cloakshipper").
Daikkarane (Nitarikit): The Staff Creative Writing Counselor.
Zabes (Martian): Any cloakshipper who's seen by his colleagues to embody the poignant fortitude of the Ralache Zabes character in the science-fiction film Quiet Flight.
Lomadidlir-La Mat Didlim Matishir (Nitarikit): Don't wear shoes. A common general order when the geröt is dhaza.
Yenikacchaja (Martian): The chief of the ship's indentical twin brother (archaic). Identical twins were considered to be good luck aboard early cloaking vessels, and were often placed in positions of authority so as to intimidate unruly spacers by seeming to be in several places at once. To this end, and also because it was amusing, they usually dressed alike. Yamaja prohibited identical twin brothers from traveling on the same cloakship after the Baryeshu Tragedy, when the Yama cloaker Bazagril Lahulam ("Hidden Purpose") was crushed by a gekzanlinpat in 546 BC. The Kacchaja, Sheb Baryeshu (a Lolir), was only fourteen years old when he succumed to the creature's powerful tentacles and/or claws. By horrible coincidence, his identical twin brother and Yenikacchaja, Erav Baryeshu, also died that very day, on the same doomed cloakship, while wearing the same clothes.
Gekzanlinpat-Gyavidïl zane lon Pishti (Nitarikit): Giant Squid and/or Pishti): Passive sonar's notoriously unable to distinguish between these two creatures. A dangerous indistinction, as the giant squid's a peaceful creature that's also delicious.
Pali Krima (Martian): a general order for cloakshippers to sit on one another's laps.
Kashasaka (Martian)-Kliki shooitna'aam semshabri kemignadin (Just another fucking oxygen breather): A rookie cloakshipper.
Kaihijit (Nitarikit): The ship's captain, also known as the "tafai" or the "examiner".
Ma (Martian): Mokhayin (Screamer): Because the screaming was easily detected by the sonar of enemy cloakships, these once-favored pets are no longer allowed on cloakships. This word's now come to mean any contraband.
Dhaza (Martian): Dhoshog zevik (Quiet Flight). A general call for silence on a cloakship when it's attempting to evade sonar. Named after the cloakshippers' favorite movie.
Yas (Martian/Nitarikit): This term's frowned upon by seasoned cloakship personnel (cloakshippers). Instead say "Yaswa" or "Geröt".
Zanshofikte-(Nitarikit) Zarem Nahikt Shofkambe (Planet dwellers despised)
Yama Bouzhen (Martian): Yama sauce, a cloakshipper's paycheck.
Yamaja (Martian/Nitarikit) Yotek Mo'rar Jeterek (United Moons Navy)
Vavama (Martian/Nitarikit) Avashlanig Mitaghei (Space navigational twig): a forked branch used as a divining rod to help the cloakship find open space.
Gumpin/Gumpikt (Martian/Nitarikit) Gumpaloradz: Hover ships and/or members of a hover ship crew. Both are despised by all cloakshippers, who feel that the gumpin are just copying them, except in the air and visible. Like "Yas", "Gumpin" also refers to a sublike sandwich of meat and cheese on either a long Ledakhite roll or Yishaan bread. Don't order one on a geröt, or you'll be shunned for the rest of the voyage.
SOME EARTH AND RAHAARITE TELEPHONE NUMBERS BEGINNING WITH "666" AND "1442"
666-3829-An unfortunate Bible college in Kentucky that many think is an urban legend, proving once again: many are wrong.
1-442-4850-A normal looking house that, on closer inspection, has no right angles.
666-0098-An independent British copier toner salesman who regularly drinks the coffee he left on his desk the day before.
1-442-2103-Itomna worshippers who got lucky.
666-3682-Refuses to get caller ID
1-442-4709-They always answer promptly, but speak no known sentient tongue.
666-8138-My home phone number. Sorry 'bout that :(
Next Chapter: Further Information You Can Use Today Part 2: All Kinds of Tokun, Pishti-Claw Vs. Logoi Foot Deformities, Secrets of Nyöm University, Debated Galaxies, and Common Short and Long Cons,
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