Chapter 10
"Emma'lath, you stay here while I get more drinks for us," says Carver. I reach for his hand and he pulls me to my feet. He kisses my forehead.
"Ma'arlath," he murmurs.
"Ma'arlath... I will stay..." I murmur. He grins at me and leaves me at the mercy of Varric, Isabela and Fenris. Marian and Anders have just left because she is not feeling well and because they are leaving on the expedition in the morning. I watch him find his way through the patrons crowding the tavern and I can't keep the ridiculous smile off my face. I sit down and grab my mug.
"Varric, aren't you going on the expedition as well?" I ask.
"Yes I am, Daisy, but I don't need as much sleep as my human counterparts," he replies.
"Really? Because you look as if you could do with a goodnight's sleep," I tease.
"No...I will be fine...We are all meeting at my brother's office tomorrow at eight and then we will be off on this expedition. I hope it will be worth it...I will never forgive myself if we don't return with something of value. Maker knows, the Hawke Family needs the sovereigns and Marian is determined to give her mother a better life," he explains.
I lean forward in my chair. "How is she really because she doesn't look well?"
"I don't know, Daisy. Blondie won't tell me and nor will she and it doesn't help matters that she hasn't reconciled with her brother," he replies.
"They won't, not until they make peace with it...It worries Carver all the time and he is constantly thinking of ways to bridge the widening gap between the two of them," I murmur.
"I don't suppose you know what happened between them?" he asks.
I lean back in my chair, shaking my head. "It is not my place to break the trust he has given me, Varric, and I won't betray him..."
"You do realise that he is the happiest I have ever seen him?" he asks.
"I see it every day, Varric... I love him. It is that simple and it doesn't matter to me what has or has not happened in his life. I love him," I murmur
"And it doesn't bother you in the slightest that he has enlisted with the Templars?"
I frown. "It does, but I intend supporting him in all of his decisions. He needs this, Varric. He wants clarity in his life. He also wants the discipline as well," I reply.
"He is good man, Daisy... Look after him...Now, I need to retire for the evening," he says, downing his drink.
"I hope the expedition goes well, Varric..." I murmur.
"I hope so to and I will see all of you in about six week's time?" he says.
"You are going to be gone that long?" I murmur.
"Yes...Good evening ladies and gent," he murmurs. I watch him until he has disappeared from view. I search around for Carver, but he is still busy at the bar.
"Hey, Kitten, have you and Carver gone all the way?" Isabela asks. I roll my eyes in exasperation and Fenris chokes on his drink. Isabela smacks him on his back until it subsides.
"I don't see how that is any of your business, Pirate Queen," I reply.
"Aw...Tell me...Have you tried any of the skills I suggested?" she asks. I look away from her because suddenly it is far too warm.
"That is also none of your business," I reply.
"Mmm...Something tells me you have...It must be your flushed cheeks," she says. She stands, grabs me by the hand and drags me onto the dance floor. She starts swaying her hips in a suggestive manner and I blush even more. I attempt to return to our table, but she grabs my hand.
"Show Carver what you've got, Merrill. Then he might feel inclined to go all the way with you..." she winks at me. She resumes swaying her hips. I watch her for while.
"Feel the music, Merrill... I know you play the lute very well and you and Carver dance well together...Just try," she encourages. I attempt mimicking her and I want to jump in glee. It feels so natural and so good. These shemlens know how to give one a good time... I allow the music to take me and before long I am dancing just as suggestively as Isabela. I search around for her and I find her dancing suggestively with one of the patrons and I laugh. She is such a tart... I close my eyes and continue dancing and very soon I forget where I am... It feels good to feel carefree. It is something I haven't really felt since I left my clan, but it was becoming painfully obvious that I was only carefree in Carver's company. I smile at the thought. I hear someone whistle, but I pay no heed, instead I continue dancing but then I stop...Something does not feel right. I quickly open my eyes and I am surrounded by unfamiliar men.
"Who said you could stop knife-ear?" a red-haired man asks.
"Yes...We were enjoying the show..." a brown-haired man chimes in. I slowly back away, but unfamiliar arms grab me around my waist.
"We didn't say you could stop," he murmurs. He presses his lips against my neck and I scream...I really scream...Where is Isabela? Another man stands in front of me.
"No-one can hear you, knife-ear," he says as he grabs my hands and pulls me flush against his body. He is about to kiss me, when I hear Carver.
"Get the hell away from her," he warns and a deadly silence ensues as they weigh each other up.
"Why should I? Do you bed knife-ears?" he hisses.
"I said, get away from her," Carver replies as he makes a move towards me, but another man steps in front of me.
"She is ours to toy with and you will get her back when we have all done her over...several times," he says and this is met with raucous laughter from the rest. The anger on Carver's face is paramount as he punches him in the face.
"You little shit...Do you think we are going to allow you to get away from this?" he snarls.
"Must I spell it out for you? I said get away from her," Carver warns. The man holding me suddenly releases me and I stumble into Carver's arms.
"Carver," I sob.
"If anyone touches her again, neither one of you will get off lightly," he warns. They snigger at us as they close in on us, but I hear a whizzing sound. I quickly look for the source and I notice Isabela standing by the stairs. She strides towards us holding a dagger.
"Men, are you sure you want to play this game because if you do, you will lose," she warns.
"She's right. We will lose," red-haired man whispers.
"Yes, you will lose," she says. They quickly back away from us and I breathe a sigh of relief. I cling to him as I am overcome with tears and shock. I can't stand straight. He quickly lifts me into my arms.
"I've got you, emma'lath," he murmurs. He heads back our table and tries to set me on my feet, but I cling tightly to him.
"Okay...Relax...I am not going to let you go," he murmurs. He sits, cradling me in his arms.
"How could you leave her alone, Isabela?" he asks.
"I...It was not intentional, Carver, but...I apologise. It won't happen again," she replies.
"Who else am I supposed to trust to keep her safe because I certainly don't want to ask my sister," he says.
"You mean when you go to the Gallows?" she asks.
"Yes, Isabela," he says in exasperation.
"I will look after her, I promise and I am sure Varric will agree to it," she says quietly.
"Well, I hope so, otherwise I'm going to ask my Mother," he says.
"Carver," I whimper.
"I've got you. I won't allow anything to happen to you," he whispers.
"I was frightened. Those...those..." I shiver and it doesn't stop.
"Ssh...Merri..." He murmurs.
"I don't understand...Why me?" I whimper.
"Carver, I think you should take her home. This no place for her to be right now. She needs you," says Isabela.
"I know..." he murmurs as he stands. He attempts to set me on my feet but I refuse to loosen my grip around his neck and I tighten my legs around his waist. He kisses my hair and I relax.
"I'm taking you home, Merri," he murmurs.
"We will see you some other time and I am really sorry, Carver..." Isabela murmurs.
"It's not your fault, Isabela..." he whispers.
"Please take me home," I murmur.
o0o
He knocks on a door and I look up. We are standing outside his uncle's home and I don't understand why he feels he has to knock. I hear a door opening and someone comes to the door.
"Who...Who is it?" It's Leandra.
"It's me, Carver...Please open up," he replies. She opens the door and peeks out. She frowns when she sees me. I must look a sight and I bury my head into his neck.
"What happened?" she asks as she stands aside to let him pass.
"Some men had their hands all over her in the tavern, Mother..." he replies.
"Again?" she asks. She obviously is aware that I have been attacked before by less than savory shemlens.
"Yes... Listen, I need to take her to bed... Is...Is Mari here with Anders?" he asks.
"Yes...They have just gone to bed...Not half-an-hour ago... Why?" she asks.
"I just want Anders to make sure is okay and perhaps give her something to help her sleep... Is Gamlen here?" he asks.
"No...I don't think he will return home tonight. He is out with some Lowtown tart and he more than likely end up staying the night at her place," she replies.
"Good...Then at least she will have some privacy," he says.
"Would you like me fetch Anders for you?" she asks.
"Yes...I don't think she is going to want me to leave her alone," he replies.
"Okay...Take her through and I will fetch Anders," she says. He strides into his room, and he lays me on his bed. He gently loosens my arms from around his neck and he reaches for my hand.
"I feel terrible about what happened...I...I shouldn't have left you alone," he murmurs. He brushes my fringe back very gently with his fingers and I manage a small smile.
"Don't...Please don't blame yourself," I whisper.
"I can't help it...I love you, Merrill and the thought of those men's grubby hands all over you, angers me greatly," he explains.
"I...I know...Please lie with me..." I whisper. He is about to do just that when Anders walks in...He looks annoyed and his eyes are dark. I look away from him. It is very obvious why he is annoyed.
"I...I'm fine, really," I mutter as I turn onto my side. I feel Carver move off the bed.
"I'm sorry to have disturbed you and Mari, but please can you just ensure she is okay?" Carver asks.
"Of course...I am a Healer... It is what I do...What happened?" he replies.
"Some men grabbed her at the tavern, Anders," he replies.
"Merrill," Anders kindly says as he gently turns me so that I am on my back. "Did they hurt you?"
"I...I..." I murmur. I can't meet his eyes and I search for Carver. I see him standing behind Anders.
"I'm here, emma'lath," he murmurs. I hold out my hand and he moves around to take, but Anders shakes his head.
"Let me do my job, Carver... Please go into the living room and ask Leandra to make tea," he says.
"But she needs me, Anders," he murmurs.
"I know she does, but please? I won't ask again," he says. I roll my eyes because he is being so stern. It is most unlike him to be stern.
"You find me amusing, don't you?" he asks as soon as the bedroom door has been closed.
"Since when are you so stern, Anders? I think this is the first time I have heard speak like this," I murmur.
"I know, but I had to be stern with him and besides, I need to examine you properly and I didn't want you feel uncomfortable," he explains.
"Well, perhaps you are right," I murmur. I close my eyes and think about what he said. We have not taken that vital step just yet...Yes we have...touched each other, but that is all. Would I feel embarrassed if he were here? I don't think so... I open my eyes and I meet his brown-eyed gaze.
"Now, did you they hurt you?" he enquires.
"No... They...touched me...and kissed me, Anders," I whimper.
"Men can be real bastards you know that, especially the type who frequent the tavern and it wouldn't be the first time..." he explains as he thoroughly checks me over.
"Sit..." he murmurs. I oblige him and he does something most unexpected... He embraces me. "You are fine...Just shaken, but I have something that will help you sleep," he murmurs.
"I was so scared, Anders...They completely surrounded me and called me knife-ear," I murmur.
"And what did Carver do?" he asks.
"He walked away...But only after Isabela threw one of her daggers at the men. It missed, but she got her message across," I reply.
"She is a real fighter, that one...and Carver didn't even throw his fist?" he says.
"Please don't insult him, Anders. He didn't want to cause a scene. What would you have done in his place?"
"I wasn't insulting him...It's unusual, his behavior. He was always ready for a fight... You must have a calming effect on him," he says.
"He is very good to me...and I love him because of it," I murmur. He gently pushes me away, and gazes at me.
"You really love him, don't you?" he asks.
"I do..." I reply.
"You know this is the happiest I've seen him and I have known the family for years, so it is quite surprising. He has always been angry and hotheaded, but since he met you, he has...changed somewhat... He's more relaxed...Well, except when Marian is around, but I assume that will come right with time," he says. I lie down, yawning and my eyes want to close.
"Hey, not yet...Let me give you something to help you sleep," he says softly and I smile at him.
"You know, I think you are good for him, Merrill, despite your blood mage status," he says softly.
"I don't use it unless I have to, Anders...I know it is dangerous...I don't like the fact that I made a deal with a demon. I just hope I will be able to keep my soul intact," I murmur. His eyes darken considerably...
"But you are a blood mage," he says.
"And you have a spirit merged to your soul, Anders," I point out. Both Marian and Anders told me about Justice a few days ago and in all honesty, I feel sorry for Anders.
"Don't remind me, Merrill...I have to live with my decision as you have to live with your decision and the best thing is that my Mari loves me regardless...In spite of what we have endured over the years, she loves me," he says softly.
"Hey, I am not judging you, Anders...Your reasons are you own as are my reasons and we both have to live with the consequences," I murmur, yawning again.
"And I think I should get you some of that potion...Don't sleep yet," he kindly says.
"I can try," I murmur. He smiles kindly at me before he leaves. I turn onto my side and look at the wall. I am lying in his bed...This would be the first time since we met and the thought comforts me. I am nearly asleep when I hear someone come into the room, but I am too tired to turn around. I feel a warm familiar hand on my shoulder.
"Love, your tea..." Carver murmurs. He called me love... I force myself to sit and take the proffered cup from him and for the briefest moment, our fingers touch. I take a deep breath and look at him. There is so much emotion in his eyes and on his face and my heart swells with love for him. How can someone feel so much for one person? He wants to say something, but Anders walks in holding a bottle of amber liquid. It doesn't look pleasant and I grimace. He saunters over to me, smiling.
"Here you go, Merrill. It will help you sleep if you need it, but in all honesty, I don't think you will need it..." he says as he places it on the bedside table.
"And if you do use it, one teaspoon, that is all," he says.
"Okay," I murmur.
"And if you need anything, let me know, now if you will excuse me, I have someone waiting for me..." he says softly.
"Thank you, Anders, for helping her. I feel better now and I am really sorry for interrupting you and my sister...I know how much you value your quiet time together," Carvers says softly.
"It...doesn't matter...We have the rest of our lives...Goodnight," he says quietly. He turns around, walks out and closes the door behind him.
"Now that we are finally alone, how do you feel?" Carver asks.
"I am exhausted...I need to sleep..." I reply and to confirm it, I yawn. I have a sip of tea and it tastes...delicious and I smile at him.
"Your Mother makes excellent tea..." I murmur.
"I know, but Mari has said that Anders' tea is much better...I wouldn't know because I have never drunk his tea... Mages are better at making tea, than non-mages," he murmurs.
"Well, we know things," I tease.
"Such as?" he murmurs. He takes the cup from me and places it on the table. I lie down and stretch myself and I feel better. I close my eyes and then he is there, covering me with his body and I open my eyes. He doesn't give me a chance to say anything and he kisses me. After a few minutes of intense kissing, he pulls away.
"I am glad you are okay. If you weren't, I would be at the tavern beating the shit out of those men," he says.
"And since when does using your fists solve anything?" I ask.
"They have always worked for me, but I feel less inclined to use them since I've met you," he replies and I laugh at his serious expression. He looks incredibly handsome when he is serious and I touch his face.
"Carver," I murmur softly.
"Merrill," he murmurs. He cups my face and kisses me. I slip my arms around him and I wrap my legs around his waist. I pull him closer until we are touching. He gently rocks into me and I sigh...
"I want you to make love to me, Carver," I whisper.
"I know," he murmurs.
"Then what is stopping you?" I ask.
"You...You aren't ready, Merrill and I want it to be special..." he replies.
"How do you know?" I mutter. He pulls back and looks at me. His expression is hurt and confused, but it is also set. I roll my eyes because I am not going to get my way with him.
"Because you...aren't relaxed enough and I don't want to hurt you," he murmurs. I laugh, because he is right. I am not relaxed and I allow my arms and legs to fall onto the bed, effectively releasing him. I slither out from under him and I turn away from him. I know he is a bit confused, but I need to get my emotions under control. We both don't want to do something we will regret when we awake in the morning. He moves off the bed and I am surprised by the loss of his warmth. I hear him remove his clothes and I chance peeking at him. He has his back to me and by the rippling of his muscles, I realise he is trying to bring himself under control. I skim my eyes along his back, to his buttocks. I have never seen so much of him and the thought pleases and excites me. I jump out of bed. I wander towards him and when I am behind him. I touch his back muscles and he rumbles low in his throat and it makes my nerves tingle. I step away from him and quickly remove my clothes and for once I don't feel embarrassed as I slip my arms around him. He tenses and to reassure him, I trail kisses along his shoulder blades. I slowly move around until I am by his side. He turns to face me and I slip my arms around his neck. He gazes at me before he bends to kiss me capturing my mouth in an intimate kiss. His hand is on the small of my back and he is nudging me closer. I press myself into him and he rumbles low in his throat. I smile against his lips and so does he and I dart my tongue into his mouth. I close my eyes and savor his familiar taste. He slips his arms around me.
"You...You feel so good," he murmurs.
"Please, Carver?" I whisper. My need for him is intensifying and I want to feel him. I want him to love me. I move suggestively against him and he moans low in his throat. He lifts me into his arm and I wrap my legs around his waist. He turns around and pushes me against the wall and I am very aware of his erection pressing into me.
"Please," I murmur. He gazes at me, seemingly coming to a decision. I hope tonight is the night, but he lowers his eyes and my heart sinks and an intense feeling of rejection sweeps through me.
"I'm not good enough?" I murmur.
"What?" he asks and his expression is confused, hurt even.
"I am not good enough?" I murmur.
"No...Of course you are...," he murmurs. I look away from him.
"Please let me go," I whisper.
"Why? I don't understand," he says.
"I don't understand, Carver... You say you love me, yet you won't make love to me...Am I not good enough for you?" I murmur.
"Love, you are good enough...It's just that... Not like this... I love you too much and I desperately want completion with you, but...no," he murmurs.
"Why not, Carver? We have been seeing it each other for nearly five months or so and we still haven't taken that step...Is there something wrong with me or have I misinterpreted your intentions?" I ask.
"No...Oh Merrill," he murmurs, running his hands through his hair. He gazes at me. "What must I do to convince you that my feelings are genuine?"
"Why must you feel you need to convince me of that all the time? Are you uncertain of my love for you? If you are then I am confused... Please let me go," I say forcefully. He nods and lowers me to my feet. I slip away from him and I grab the sheet from the bed. I feel utterly foolish. I will not do this again. It is just too humiliating for words and the fact that men had their grubby hands on me earlier in the evening... I burst into tears...Tears of frustration and anger. I am angry that those men thought they could have their way with me. I am angry and frustrated at Carver's stubbornness and suddenly it doesn't matter. I want to be in his arms.
"Carver," I whimper.
"Merrill, emma'asha," he murmurs, enfolding me in his arms. "Emma'abelas, please don't cry," he murmurs.
"I love you, Carver...Can you not see that?"
"Oh Merrill, I know you do... Let's go to bed," he murmurs. He takes my hand in his and he leads me to his bed. He waits for me to settle down and then he joins me. He slips in behind me, but I want to see him, so I turn onto my side and I snuggle into him.
"You are not ready, Merrill... You will know when you are and I don't think something is wrong with you. You are what I want and by the maker, you will be mine," he declares. "You are beautiful, gentle and one with the nature. You are carefree and happy and I love that about you. You are emma' vhenan."
"I just feel so dirty, Carver...Those men...Their dirty hands and their..." I can't finish my sentence. I am too upset and I realise that he is right... I am not ready to take this step with him.
"If I could I would kill them, Merri, but I don't think that would go down well with Aveline...Imagine the horror...Never mind the disappointment I would see in her eyes," he says softly.
"But you said you killed for coin during your first year," I remind him.
"I...That is to say...Mari and I did kill for coin. We had no choice... She is going to be Captain of the City Guard and I must admit she has earned it. That bastard, Jeven, tried to set her up, but he failed... I wish I could get into the City Guard, Merrill. At least I would be able to see you, but with me joining the Templars...It is going to make things difficult for us, but we were speaking about you... If I see those men, I will give them a piece of my mind...In fact, I am going to inform Aveline. Perhaps she can arrest them," he says.
"Please don't cause trouble for yourself, Carver...," I murmur.
"Hey, I was only saying, although I will tell her...There are so many scumbags out there and I don't want any of them touching you again... You are mine and you will always be mine," he declares.
"Mmm...I need to sleep, Carver," I murmur. I try...and fail stifling my yawns. He gives me a kiss before stretching out on his back. I nestle into him and fling my arm over his chest.
"Go to sleep, Merrill...Things will be better in the morning," he murmurs.
"Mmm...I know...As long as you are here when I awake," I murmur.
"I will be...Goodnight, love," he whispers and I fall asleep, smiling and thinking about how much I love him. I open my eyes and kiss his cheek.
"I love you, Carver Hawke," I murmur.