10

I sat outside of Maura's hotel, waiting for Frankie to pick me up. I already regretted running away. After twenty minutes I knew Frankie wasn't coming. I dialed his number.

"It's okay, Frankie. I'm not leaving; in fact I'm going back upstairs to wait for Maura. We need to talk."

"About time you came to your senses, Jane. You love that girl."

"Loved, Frankie."

"Uh huh. I'll believe that when hell freezes over."

"Why are you protecting Maura, anyway? You still have feelings for her or what?"

"No, I don't want to see you live only half of your life, Jane. You won't be happy alone or with anyone else. I think you need to talk with Maura and iron out your issues. She loves you, Jane."

"Maura tell you that?" Frankie chuckled.

"Wake up, knucklehead. Maura told the whole world how much she loves you by not telling the hospital to piss off when they notified her of your injuries."

"Yeah, there is that."

"Yes, there is, Jane. Go get your girl."

We ended the call and I reluctantly moved my bags back upstairs. I hated confrontation which is why I'm so good at running away. I also hate to admit when Frankie is right and I am wrong. He is correct in this situation: I don't want to lose Maura and acting like a two year old and throwing a temper tantrum is the best way to lose her forever.

I dropped my bags inside my bedroom and went into the living area of the suite. Like I used to do at home I grabbed the remote and began channel surfing. Luckily for me the Red Sox were playing a doubleheader due to a rain makeup and I got lost in watching my beloved Sox. The only thing missing from years passed was a cold beer (on a coaster) and Maura falling asleep with her head on my shoulder.

As if in memory my right arm started to ache. I swore. I was too comfortable to want to get up and move and my pain medication was still packed away. I waited for a commercial and went in to get my pain pills. Just as I downed two of them with water from the bathroom spigot I heard the front door of the suite open. I tensed up immediately. I returned to the living area.

I watched Maura walk in, kick off her heels and glance at the television set. I noted the look of surprise on her face as she realized a Red Sox game was playing. Therefore, her big brain was telling her, I was still in residence. A small smile played on my lips. This was probably one of the few times I managed to surprise Maura.

"Hi," I said shyly.

"You're here," Maura replied.

"Yes," I said and sat back down on the sofa. I turned off the game and patted the sofa next to me.

"You didn't run," Maura said, sitting down.

"Yes, I did, but I came to my senses and came back up a little bit ago." Maura nodded her head.

"What made you return?"

"We need to talk," I said and watched Maura's face closely for her reaction. It was her turn to tense up a bit.

"I'm sorry, Maura, I shouldn't have acted like a two year old."

"Thank you, Jane. I was a little surprised by that, I must admit."

"I'm not giving an excuse for it, Maura, after what you've done for me, taking me in like this because I needed someone to care for me, even after we've been apart, I should have been grateful and I wasn't. I acted like a sullen teenager on the way home from the hospital and then a two year old. You don't deserve that."

Maura looked down, her hands clasped in her lap. I know in times past I would have grabbed her hand by now and held it in mine as we talked.

"I don't know what I deserve, Jane. I hurt you deeply and you're the one person I never thought I'd hurt," Maura spoke in a low tone of voice. She barely glanced at me.

"We've hurt each other, Maura. I shot Paddy Doyle and although I was cleared of wrongdoing in the actual shooting I betrayed you."

"No, Jane, you didn't," Maura started to speak then stopped. "I'm grateful to be able to say this to you. You shot Paddy because he shot a federal agent and would have shot you, Frost or both of you if it meant he could escape that warehouse without capture. I was selfish, expecting you to think of my needs at a time like that. I am so sorry, Jane. I never wanted to hurt you. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you."

I'd like to say I sat there and accepted her apology and took Maura in my arms, but I can't, because I didn't. I forgave her for hurting me, yes, but I stopped there. In all my years of dating, between the girls I had crushes on and knew couldn't or wouldn't reciprocate the feelings and boys I dated to cover my attraction to women, I had never been hurt like this. No one ever came close to doing as much damage as Maura did in those months after Doyle's shooting.

But I wanted to keep talking, see how much of our anger we could talk through. "What made you change your mind, Maura?"

"I saw the article in the San Francisco papers about your sentencing, Jane, and it occurred to me I was the one responsible for all the damage. I should have gone straight to Cavanaugh when we found out about Doyle being my biological father, Jane and I didn't."

"We needed to protect you, Maura. You were next on the list of rival mob boss' targets."

"Yes, for awhile, Jane. When Tommy O'Rourke died I wasn't in any danger and I should have gone then."

"Shoulda, coulda, woulda," I joked.

"Didn't," Maura finished the saying. Tears began rolling down her cheeks. I reached out and patted her shoulder.

"Don't beat yourself up over this, Maura. Someone was going to go down for that and I was the better of the two of us at surviving prison." Maura shuddered in reaction to my words.

"See?" I said. "Even you know you couldn't survive wearing an orange jumpsuit."

"Don't make me laugh, Jane, this is a serious subject."

"It's over now, Maura."

"No, Jane, it isn't. We can't turn back the clock and go back to our lives here in Boston because you've been paroled."

I sat for a moment. "No, that's true, I can't. I'm destined to be a pizza waitress for the rest of my life. I hope the tips are good."

We sat there for awhile, neither of us speaking. Maura still didn't meet my eyes. I felt better for talking and not running. Maybe I was growing up after all. Sorry, Ma, I thought. My maturity came after you departed this planet.

"I want you back, Jane. I want us to be lovers again." I knew this was coming eventually.

"I don't know, Maura."

"Do you have any feelings for me, Jane?"

Ah, the 64 million dollar question hung in the air between us. I couldn't answer it. Yes, I had feelings for Maura Isles. Despite all that had happened in the last couple of years, as I admitted before, I still loved Maura. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her, kiss her lips, take her to bed and prove my love to her.

"I am grateful you've been in my life, Maura, but I don't see us having a future." With her shoulders slumped Maura stood.

"When you're able to go home, Jane, I will return to San Francisco." She walked unsteadily toward her own bedroom and shut the door with a finality that reverberated through my brain.

I curled up on the couch and waited for the tears to start. I didn't have to wait long. What had I just done? Why couldn't I tell Maura yes, that we had a future and we could work on the relationship together?

I wish I had an answer for myself.

I awakened to my cell phone ringing. Frankie was calling. "Yeah, Frankie what's up?"

"How did it go?" he asked.

"What made you think I talked to her, Frankie?"

"By the fact that you're still inside her suite and not sitting on the sidewalk, sulking."

"Good one."

"Did you make up?"

"Not entirely. We talked and forgave each other for past transgressions but that's about it."

"You mean I'm not interrupting some big romantic moment for the two of you?"

"No."

"Ah, Jane, come on. You're supposed to be setting a good example for me. Wait, did Maura tell you off or say she doesn't want to get back together?'

"It was me, Frankie. I told Maura we had no future together."

"You really are a knucklehead, you know that Jane?"

"No, Frankie, I'm protecting myself."

"She apologized, Jane and you accepted it. Now put your big girl panties on and go in there and tell Maura you love her."

"I left my big girl panties in prison, Frankie."

"No, you didn't." Frankie sighed. "I'm getting off here, Jane. I'm going to the ball game tonight. You go talk to Maura."

"I did that Frankie. We're good."

"No, you're not. I'm surprised she hasn't decided to run back to San Francisco."

"She said she'd be returning there when I'm able to go back to my place."

"There you go. Stop her Jane before she gets to the airport-or packs her bags."

"Frankie I'm not good at long-distance relationships."

"Maybe you don't have to be," Maura said from the doorway. I clicked off the phone.

"God, Maura, you startled me."

"I'm sorry." Maura smiled ruefully. "Today seems to be my day for saying sorry."

She sat back down beside me, automatically taking my legs in her lap and rubbing them like she used to.

"At some point Jane you'll be released from parole and you can join me."

"My home is Boston, Maura, you know that. Frankie's here, Tommy's floating around here somewhere and might come see me when he gets over being mad at me, Ma's buried here. I'm not leaving." Maura nodded.

"Well then maybe I'll move back to Boston."

"You'd do that for me?"

"I love you, Jane, I'd do anything for you."

"I thought you enjoyed being a medical examiner."

"I do, but not as much as I love you. Maybe I'd enjoy being a stay at home wife with children."

"Whoa, slow down a little. We're not back together yet and you're at home with children?"

"I wanted to give you a little perspective Jane." Maura moved closer to me. "I don't know why you're rejecting a future with me, Jane. I think you still love me. I want you in my life, Jane." Maura was whispering now and my eyes were glued to her face. She was saying everything I wanted to hear. Could I admit my feelings? We sat there, face to face. Maura stood up.

"I'm exhausted, Jane. I assisted BPD on a difficult autopsy and I need to rest. I'll see you in the morning." Maura headed for her bedroom.

"What kind of case?" I asked automatically then shook my head.

"No, don't answer that. I'm not in homicide anymore."

"Wasn't a homicide. Turns out the dead man had an allergic reaction to a spider bite. All of the common symptoms were there but the m.e. couldn't seem to accept that was all. We did the autopsy together, filed the report and examined all of the lab work and tissue samples."

"I'm glad you were able to help, Maura. Good night." I turned the television back on. The Sox were finishing up an 8-3 win over the Yankees.

I heard Maura's door shut a little softer this time and for some reason that comforted me. I thought over our conversation from beginning to end. I'm not a homicide detective anymore, I remembered saying to Maura. It was as if a tsunami of emotions flooded me and I sat there on the sofa, sobbing. I wasn't the Jane Rizzoli Maura once knew and loved. Finally it clicked in place. Was I enough for Maura, now? Could she love a pizza waitress like she once loved a badass homicide detective? Did I dare ask her and find out?

TBC