Chapter Ten
Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions. –David Borenstein
Day: 17
Light wouldn't admit it to himself, but he was scared.
Which, of course, was completely irrational. He would be talking with Akitoshi through a computer screen, miles away from the precinct he was being held in. In fact, it wouldn't even be him talking. He was only needed for the rape victims, and so L would be doing the questioning for the rapist. Light would be there to observe and offer suggestions and ideas, nothing more. Light would be far, far away from him.
And yet, a small part of Light thought the man was going to reach through the screen and grab him. Which was so, so stupid.
That morning, Light took a long shower. He scrubbed and washed himself furiously, but thoughts kept pervading his mind, coating it in fear and apprehension. He scrubbed himself until his fingernails bit through the cloth, scratching himself in several places and drawing blood in quite a few. The stream of water washed away the traces of the red liquid before Light even noticed it. He just kept scrubbing, an almost compulsive thing for him now, and wishing it would just go away.
Even as the hot, biting water cascaded over and down his body, he shivered, the memory from that night repeating itself in his mind like a broken record.
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahhh!"
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahhh!"
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahhh!"
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahhh!"
No, no, no, no, no. Light would not let this overcome him; he decided that the day it happened. He would not let this man ruin his spirit. He simply refused. He was stronger than that, wasn't he? He was supposed to have been God, not too long ago. Could he have really fallen so far? Was he now merely human?
Or, had he always been human, and just failed to see it?
Shove. Hands. "No.". Cold. Pain. "Aaaahhh!"
"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Light whispered harshly, slamming his fist against the wet tile, his fist slipping down it slightly. Why, why, why, why?
An hour later, Light was sitting on the couch, L beside him, watching the computer screen, and waiting for Akitoshi to be brought in. Light had calmed himself before he'd left the bathroom. It was completely and utterly irrational for him to be panicking about this. What could happen? Nothing, that's what. Nothing.
Because unlike Kira, Akitoshi had no power. Not anymore, anyway.
Light watched as Akitoshi was brought into the scene, an old man with love handles, a bald head and dressed in a tux sitting beside him. His attorney, Light wagered. The man was unshaven, his chin doused with stubble. His eyes were dark and piercing and, surprisingly, had no inner cruelness in them that Light could see. Instead, he looked amused with his situation.
He looked directly at the camera and laughed.
"I feel honored," He smirked happily, "The great L, interested in little old me? I wondered how long it'd take you to find me."
His voice was deep and rough. Light couldn't take his eyes off the man, trying to soak up everything about him. The way he walked was soft and smooth, making barely any sound even in his heavy shoes. Light supposed that was what made him so hard to hear coming at you. Light hid a grimace.
"I am L," L replied to the comment, "Are you admitting to your crimes?"
"What crimes?" Akitoshi asked playfully, a horrible smile twisting at his lips.
"Four counts of rape –probably more," L answered him easily, his thing finger pressing on the button lightly, "You are confessing?"
"Ahahahaha!" Akitoshi through back his head, and then looked back at the computer screen, his eyes glistening, "Why would I do that?"
"Because you are guilty," L replied blandly.
"Really!?" He said with mock surprise, "Do you have any proof of that?"
"Yes, your DNA sample matches that of what we found in Tsunesaburo's Rape Kit, you attempted to rape a police officer and an eye witness account," L told him easily, his voice droning in a way that was almost bored, "That will be enough to convict you."
Akitoshi's face scrunched up, "I don't think so."
"You will be," L assured him, "The evidence against you is great. Your going to prison is a sure thing."
"I don't get why you're making a big deal out of this," Akitoshi snarled, suddenly very angry, "I was just having fun!"
Light bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from giving something away. Fun!?
"You have broken the law, and violated many innocents," Ryuzaki said to the man, who was unmistakably selfish. "I will press for the Death Penalty. Good luck in court."
L went to reach for the off button but Akitoshi cried out.
"No, no! Wait!" Akitoshi shouted, and his lawyer leaned over to whisper something in his ear, and Akitoshi nodded. L waited, "I –What you want me to do?"
"Plead Guilty," L responded, "And give a description of every victim we have not rounded up."
"What? Are you kidding me? Then I'll get seven counts rape!" Akitoshi barked angrily.
Light understood now. To Akitoshi, in that sick, twisted mind of his, he believed that what he did was a game. It wasn't him having a inferiority complex, or was abused by a family member –no, he was just terribly childish. Insane even. He hadn't taken into consideration what he was doing to the victims. He just did it, because he wanted to. The other people in the world, to him, where merely back up actors in the movie of his life.
To him, no one else mattered.
It was a like…he'd been playing a video game. A disgusting, life ruining, repulsive video game, in which he started at the lowest level (Iori) and worked to the top (Koori) and Light had been unlucky enough to have been one of those levels. He was a spoiled rich kid who'd always gotten his way, and it had perverted his mind into believe he was that only one that counted.
"Your going to jail for life anyway, Akitoshi-san," L said lethargically, not even chewing on his favorite body part at the moment, "If you do this, I'll take the death penalty off the table. If you don't, I'll make sure you get justice."
"Ah –hn…." Akitoshi looked slightly constipated for a moment before bursting out, "I don't want to die, bastard! It was just a fucking game, understand!?"
"You are delusional," L said back, his large eyes glaring at the screen ahead of him, as Light's mind kept going. "I will not allow you to get off on Mental Defect. You give descriptions of your victims, and I'll let you live for the rest of you life in Prison. You don't, and you'll get the electric chair within a week."
"You can't do that!"
"I can," L disagreed.
Akitoshi looked at his attorney for guidance, and the man leaned over again and whispered in his ear. Akitoshi's eyes widened, his nostrils flaring before he settled down, looking somewhat defeated. Light decided he liked that look on the man's face, the same look he'd had that night. He tried to decide which was worse; a criminal who knew he was hurting people and didn't care, or a criminal who didn't care about knowing.
"Fine," Akitoshi eventually said, his face stony and mad, sweat lacing his forehead in fury at loosing his argument.
"I'll get the artist," the attorney offered.
"Yes, that would be fine."
"We'll have the pictures ready for you by tomorrow," said the lawyer, and it wasn't longer before Akitoshi was led out of the room, and Light was left staring at an empty table in an empty room.
Suddenly, as thought seeing the man there had stripped the life out of him, Light felt overcome with tiredness. And once L clicked the computer screen off, Light realized that he'd done nothing. He'd merely sat there as L had talked, doing absolutely nothing! He had just looked at Akitoshi, frozen in some numb, appalled state and now it was too late to do anything about it.
Light felt like smacking himself. He hated that he hadn't spoken up. Hadn't tried to ask why so all the questions he'd been asking the day before. Why him? Of course, he couldn't ask why him. Light's mind refused to think. It was still in shock from seeing the man virtually in person and seeing the said Rapist's personality.
And Ryuzaki was offering him a deal?
He'd thought he would be cruel. Someone that was just a genuinely bad person, who enjoyed defiling people. Who had thrown him down to the ground out of malice, who'd raped him for control. Not some freak who thought he was playing a game. Not someone who'd raped him because that was the rule of his sickening, vile game.
Hours later, when Light had returned to his room to sleep, he curled up under the covers, still strangely cold. His long fingers gripped the blanket, holding it to himself tightly, letting no heat escape. And still he shivered.
His nightmare was the one he had frequently, of being in the dark room and that bloody voice in there with him. Helping him? Taunting him? He still wasn't entirely sure, because he had yet to tell if the sharp "LOOK OUT!" the entity shouted was a warning or a threat. Light woke up panting, as usual, before collapsing back onto the bed.
Tomorrow, he would confront Akitoshi. He would not sit back and let L take charge.
Yes. Tomorrow, everything would happen.
Day: 18
The next morning Light took another shower, this one considerably shorter than the one from the day previously. Today, he was normal. Today, he was simply a detective, interviewing a criminal. He was not Yagami Light. He was not a rape victim. He was simply him. Nightmares or atrocious memories not included.
Light didn't eat or drink anything. He did not trust himself to not throw it up.
L did, however, eat a rather large slice of chocolate cake, with large amounts of goopy icing on top. Ryuzaki ate is slowly, savoring every bite as usual, and it made Light's stomach turn at the very thought of such a saccharine taste. Light turned his head away from L and started rereading Akitoshi's information. He set his jaw and hardened his eyes, making sure no emotions slipped through.
Light had slept quite dreamlessly after he'd went to sleep for the second time, to his great appreciation. That dream was more annoying, but less horrifying than the one that reenacted his attack. He hated them both, of course. He wished his dreams were as uneventful as they used to be, filled with him ruling the world in his perfect utopia. It was a goal he'd once had, but now, it seemed so far away.
Light flipped one page over, grabbing it in the wrong way and slicing his finger, making him release a hiss of pain. The sound resulted in L looking up from his delicious cake, which had captivated him for the last ten minutes, and looked at Light. His eyes traveled down to Light's hand and then to the tip of the boy's finger, where a drop of blood was forming.
Light's lips pursed and then a frowned. Then, he opened his mouth and placed the tip of his left index finger inside it, sucking until the blood was gone. He used his tongue to soothe the small cut, easing the stinging sensation until it receded to a dull throb. L had to wonder –why was he paying attention to such an action when a scrumptious piece of cake was still sitting in front of him?
After the thought had crossed his mind, Light released his finger from his lips and flipped the page over more gently and began reading once more. L's eyes returned to his cake.
It was two hours, thirteen minutes and twenty two seconds later before they got the call from the precinct, and nearly three in the afternoon. L pressed the button as Light put the papers to the side, leaning forward in interest as a clear picture of Akitoshi and his lawyer sitting at the same table they'd been in the day before, in the interrogation room.
Akitoshi's arms were crossed and he wasn't looking at the camera, as though he were a petulant child who had not gotten his way. The lawyer waved his hand, indicating three papers to his left.
"These are them," He said, picking up one picture. Light was very close to paling. He hadn't thought…he hadn't thought the man would actually remember what his victims looked like. He'd barely looked at them, right? How accurate could they be? "This is the actual third woman he raped."
"She was hot," Akitoshi recalled, musing as though remembering a found memory, "She put up quite a fight. But, in the end, I eventually won. Of course."
Funny, how one person's best memories were seven other's worst.
Ryuzaki pressed the button down, "That is fine. Please show the next picture."
"The next is the first male my client raped," the attorney said, holding up the picture to the camera and showing a young boy, perhaps sixteen, small and scrawny.
Akitoshi smiled slightly, remembering, "I remember him. He was easy to hold down. An easterner, if I'm correct. Blond hair, blue eyes, accent."
Light's stomach turned, but other for some reason his usually lucid mind refused to let him think of anything but the picture Akitoshi was showing him. Normally he could think of many things at once, ahead many steps, but at the moment all he could think of was the boy in the picture and his wide, sad eyes. About how he hadn't come forward, and most likely hadn't told his parents. Perhaps he'd even thought it was his fault. Ashamed.
Light forgot about participating. He was just trying to think, but his mind refused to work. Something was wrong. Oh so wrong, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it was. His mind stayed frozen.
"I see," L replied and then nodded to himself, "Next, please."
"Oh, this next one was cool," Akitoshi grinned, "He was pretty, just walking along in his perfect clothes…I knew right went I saw him he'd be perfect. Looked like he thought he was perfect too. He seemed like he thought he was better than everyone else." Akitoshi laughed, "Ahahahaha! I showed him!"
Light's mind thawed. No. No. Nonononononononononononono! How could he have been so damn stupid!? It was his picture Akitoshi was about to show. His. And Ryuzaki would know.Why hadn't he seen this coming? What had happened to him, to make him so petrified that his mind so much that he could think ahead? Was the fear so great that he'd been paralyzed to the fact that is that picture was of him that L would know.
Panic rushed through Light's body at the new feeling. The feeling of being completely and totally unprepared for something. He held his breath, for if he didn't, he feared he might start to hyperventilate. The legal representative lifted the final drawing –
-and Light stood up almost violently, "I need to use the restroom."
He was gone before L could tell him to hold it, because this was a very important thing that was about to be shown. L's eye twitched slightly in annoyance but he just looked at the screen.
The drawing was shown, and wide black eyes widened even further.
And then the puzzle pieces began to fit together. That man in the picture…it looked so much like Light that it was uncanny. And if there could possibly be someone who looked so much like the perfect Yagami Light, L thought, the chance was low he would have been in the same vicinity that Light had been in on May 12th…
The nightmares. The night terrors. The excess showers. The loss of appetite. The varying sleeping habits. The reaction to knowing that a man had been raped. The unexplained bruise on his back. It…it was so obvious. So amazingly plebian Ryuzaki was now only considering the fact that something like…rape…would have been the reason Kira had given up.
No. That was a lie. Somewhere, in the deep recesses of his subconscious, the idea had popped up, but had been immediately discarded. This was Light, of course. Light the ideal, beautiful, intelligent, strong, prideful…and ah, there was the answer. He was absolutely full of pride. It's what made Light go, it was fueled and motivated his every move –and therefore, when he was raped, and all his pride was stripped from him, so in turn his motivation for everything else. Being Kira…
…and even living.
And so Ryuzaki knew Light was Kira, and it was not satisfactory. No. In some way, he'd known Light was Kira, even though after the confession he had vehemently denied it. It was denial in it's subtlest form, L's defiance. And yes, at first, it had been because he hated that it wasn't him outing Light. But now…
L pressed the button one more time before saying, "I have no further questions at this current time. Please put his back in his cell until I feel the need to interrogate him again."
L then stood up and started walking to the bathroom, but it seemed Light was no longer inside it. The detective then turned toward the bedroom and sure enough, the door was closed. L looked at the door, considering the possibilities, and decided that there was a 95 percent chance that Light was sitting with his back against the door, blocking his entrance. He must have known that it was only a matter of seconds before L's mind understood the meaning of the picture, as well as the other symptoms.
"Light-kun," L said. Usually, when finding out such a thing, someone's voice softened but L knew Light. The reason he hadn't told, apart from his amazing amount of pride, was because heknew how people would react, and it would no longer be their normal awe of such a perfect genius, but sympathy in every look and word, "I think we have something to discuss."
On the other side of the door, Light tensed. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the door, blocking Ryuzaki from entering. Oh yes, L knew. It was certain now. L knew, the fucking bastard. He knew. He knew. He knew he knew he knew he knewheknewhekn –
Stop! Light ordered himself. You'll give yourself a panic attack with thoughts like those. Calm down and think rationally. Not doing so is what made this happen.
Light took a slow inhale, doing so as quietly as possible. This wasn't happening, yes, perhaps this was just a dream. Another nightmare. No. No, he was awake. He doubted he could have imagined something this horrible. It was hard enough accepting that Akitoshi had also been his rapist, he had never suspected in the least the man would remember exactly what he looked like…Damn it! This –This couldn't be happening.
"I see, Light-kun," L sighed after a long while of no answering, "I will simply have to wait for you. Eventually you will have to leave, due to hunger and thirst."
Light tried not to snort. There was no chance in hell he was leave that room. He would rather die dried up then face L after he knew…after he knew…
Light swallowed, holding back the urge to throw up and closed his eyes.
L knew that his statement was a lie. Light wanted to die, that was the whole reason he had admitted he was Kira in the first place, so he wouldn't be surprised if he stayed in there until he died of thirst and dried up in that position with his back against the door. L decided he would not let that happen. He would make Light come out, or find a way in.
Logically, L knew in the back of his mind, that the minute he'd realized Light was really Kira, he should have called Watari and got Light arrested. There was no more puzzle to solve, no crime scene to decode, no more mystery to unravel, no secret to find and the criminal (Akitoshi) had already had been profiled. Yes, logically, there was nothing more that L could do, and as a detective, it was his job to put the criminal in jail.
All his life, logic had overpowered everything else in his life. L always won because his logic always won. Feelings were trivial and weak in comparison to solid reason. In the circumstance of crime, logic always succeeded. If you committed a crime, most of the time, it didn't matter why. Why you felt you needed to, or what mental illness ailed you, making you do the things you did. To L, they were simple rules. Crime was crime, the law was the law and logic was the winner over emotions.
At the moment, however, he was ripped between the two.