TEN
"You don't have to do that, you know."
Kate looked up from her position in the loft kitchen to see the writer strolling out of his bedroom dressed in his standard plaid button-down and dark jeans. She merely shrugged in response before turning back to the stove to monitor the pan of eggs and griddle of bacon. "I don't mind."
Truly, she didn't. It had been exactly one week since Castle came home from the hospital and she and Alexis had shared the cooking duties ever since. That particular day since Alexis was off to school and her shift started later she was manning the breakfast duties. She figured it was the least she could do with the writer still recuperating and her time staying at the loft coming to an end.
"I'm capable."
She picked up the skillet of scrambled eggs and skillfully divided it between three plates. "But you're still recovering." She reminded.
In the week since he was pulled from the rubble Castle had made a rather miraculous recovery. Within a few days he was able to migrate to the bathroom by himself and shower without the chair, but he still tired quite easily. A few days earlier they'd gone out to dinner—his first real outing since the explosion. The restaurant was only a few blocks away, so they'd walked there, but by the time he got back to the apartment Castle had to go immediately to bed. The doctor said he was recovering at a perfectly normal rate so there was no reason to be concerned. Still, Castle was frustrated and Kate couldn't say she blamed him, which was why she liked to jump in and help where she could.
Castle stopped just beside the stove. "I can make eggs."
"Of course, and your eggs are very good, but your mother's funeral is tomorrow and…" The detective let her voice drift off with a shrug. She pulled all the bacon off the griddle, placed it on a fourth plate, and then looked over at him. "I just like helping."
He took a step towards hers and Kate's face flushed at the intensive gaze he was giving her. "Because you're extraordinary."
Her blush deepened. "Well, n-no." He took a step closer to her and she was tempted to take a step back, unsure of what he was doing, but his gaze kept her rooted to the spot. "I-I just want t-to—what are you doing?" she asked finally when he stopped inches from her.
"This," he said simply before placing his hands at her waist and pressing his lips over hers. Stunned, it took Kate several seconds to respond, but when she did her hands fell against his biceps, she sank against him and—oh. Well, that was rather perfect for their first real kiss, wasn't it?
In their week of cohabitation they had certainly grown closer—and not just because she was helping him with virtually all his personal care tasks. Really, they were building on the preexisting foundation that was forged over their nearly four years of partnerships. Two people that were as comfortable as they were with each other who were put into any sort of cohabitation situation would have bonded similarly, but their connection was amplified by Castle's recent near death experience.
For the prior few nights they had closed the evening sitting side-by-side on the couch, each with a glass of wine, talking about their day or any subject that popped into the writer's mind. For those evenings, Kate felt no differently about him than if they were a couple. They felt like a couple. The only difference being that they ended their time together with a hug and not something more intimate. Now it appeared he was changing that and Kate couldn't say that she minded one bit.
"Kate." He husked when their lips separated. She hummed in response. Without wasting another second, he kissed her again, that time pulling her body flush against his.
That time with their lips broke she rested her forehead softly against his and cautioned, "Your breakfast is getting cold."
"Worth it." He dove in for another kiss, parting his lips around hers. Kate could taste the minty remains of his toothpaste and hoped he didn't mind the flavor of coffee on her tongue.
Consumed by their attention with each other, neither partner heard the sounds of feet descending the stairs or crossing into the kitchen. It wasn't until Alexis actually cleared her throat that the duo swiftly separated, embarrassed expression crossing both their faces.
"H-hi, uh, good morning, Alexis." Castle stammered out.
She arched an eyebrow at him. "Guess I don't have to ask how you're feeling today."
Castle cleared his throat. "Um, no—I'm feeling fine, thanks."
Alexis picked up one of the plates of eggs and used her fingers to drag two of the bacon strips to her plate. Glancing between Castle and Kate she asked, "Do you want me to leave so you can keep kissing?"
"Wha—no. No. We're fine."
Alexis rolled her eyes and took her plate with her to the kitchen table. Kate looked over at Castle, who was looking at her with a sly smile. She felt her cheeks blush again and hurried to pour coffee for each of them and join the father-daughter duo at the kitchen table. For the better part of five minutes they ate in silence before Alexis said, "After school I'm going to go shopping to see if I can find something new for Gram's funeral. I know I don't have to, but she'd expect me to look my best."
Castle squeezed his daughter's arm. "That she would. Want me to come with you?"
"I don't think you're up for a shopping excursion, Dad. You should rest up for tomorrow. Besides," she added with a casual sip from her coffee mug, "I'm sure you and Kate would appreciate some more alone time in the apartment."
While Kate choked into her coffee mug, Castle insisted, "That's definitely not true." Alexis merely shrugged.
"So…" Rick began once his daughter had vacated the apartment. Kate stood in the kitchen wiping down the bacon griddle with a paper towel. He approached her from behind and settled his hands at her hips. "What's going on? Is this finally happening? Because, I've got to be honest with you, Kate—totally worth having a building fall on me."
Despite herself, she let out a breathily laugh. She stepped out of his grasp so she could toss the paper towel into the trash and then she turned back to face him, holding her arms over her chest. In her mind, yes it was finally happening, but their situation was delicate and she didn't want to rush into anything—particularly not for the wrong reasons. "There are things we need to talk about, Castle, but I don't want to rush this. Your mother's funeral tomorrow, emotions are high and-"
He stepped up and placed a hand on each of her shoulders. "Kate, no, this isn't just because of the bomb. This has been a long time coming. A long time, because Kate I-"
"I know." She cut him off, her chest tightening. She didn't want another confession of love for him in a moment when she wasn't ready. When his brow wrinkled, he left her little choice but to explain. "I heard you in the cemetery. I heard you."
His hands fell away from her body and he took a step back, his voice harsh, "What?"
She shook her head and turned away from him. "See this is why I didn't want to do this now – it's not the time"
He caught up to her and grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn and face him. "Well too bad, we're going to do this now. When did you remember?"
Wringing her hands together, she shook her head. "I never forgot." For the second time, he dropped his hand away from hers and her stomach rolled in her gut. God, he was about to be furious with her and there was nothing she could do about it; she was entirely to blame. "I'm sorry I was just…terrified."
"Of what?"
She shrugged. What wasn't she afraid of? "How I felt about you. How serious it was. I wasn't ready to hear that you loved me because that's not how I do relationships…I-"
"Hide – you hide," he said for her, reminiscent of their fight six months prior.
That time, instead of fighting back, she nodded, accepting the accusation. Hiding was the Kate Beckett of the past, though. The Kate Beckett who had taken a bullet to the heart did not want to hide, but she struggled to come out from beneath the covers. "Yeah I hide. But I don't want to hide from you anymore. It's why I started going to therapy and-"
"Therapy?" He tiled his head to the side, clearly curious.
She nodded and as the tears spilled down her face so did the words out of her mouth. "Yeah. I've been talking through things, trying to get over my walls and closed-off heart. Trying to be okay with telling you I'm completely in love with you and not being afraid of what happens next…but then that bomb went off and the building collapsed and my whole world just stopped. It just stopped."
She could feel it then as she had before: the concussion of the blasts—bang, bang—and the feeling of the concrete pieces pelting the SWAT vehicle—thud, crash. She could feel the reverberations against her chest battering her already fractured heart into smaller and smaller pieces. She still had dreams about that moment when the debris cloud cleared a she saw the building had vanished into a twisted massacre of rubble; it was and forever would be the worst moment of her life.
Stepping towards him, she shook her head softly. "My world stopped because you're it, you're the guy. I fought it so long and so hard because I knew—I knew that if we got together that would be it; you'd be the man I spent my life with and I waited for twenty-seven hours for them to pull your body from that rubble and for every second of it I didn't know why. I didn't know why I wasn't honest with you because we could have had months together. I didn't know why I was so afraid except that I thought being alone was easier. Being alone was easier than risking a friendship only to find that you couldn't put up with my insecurities or you didn't love me enough or… "
She shook her head, not even sure where the words were going, but she remembered that moment. Remembered her mind's eye projecting her future: going to work day after day, coming home to an empty apartment with takeout containers flooding the refrigerator. There was no happiness in that future: no love, no family—all because that future lacked him. "But then I never really was alone until that building collapsed and then alone felt so…" She couldn't even describe it; it was too soul-crushing.
Wiping a few tears from her cheeks, she looked over at him to see him watching her with utmost intensity, barely blinking or breathing. She took a shaky step towards him and clasped her hands in front of her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you; it was wrong. But I was afraid you wouldn't wait for me if I did and if you did want to wait for me you loved me more than I deserved."
The words almost startled her when they came out of her mouth. They were the ones Dr. Burke had been trying to get her to confess for weeks, but there they were, tumbling from her lips as evidence of her own fears and shortcomings. She waited—braced—for vitriol from the writer, but it never came. Instead, his outpouring was a completely different emotion.
"More than you…god, Kate." He gasped and brushed a tear from his own eye. Opening his hands, he gestured around the kitchen. "Look what you've done this past week. You took care of Alexis, you moved in here to take care of me, no questions asked. In fact I think I told you to go a couple times. You deserve absolutely everything. Everything."
Without wasting another moment, he crossed the small space separating them and wrapped his arms around her back. She fell against him, slipping into that perfect spot with her head in the crook of his neck and her arms locked around his waist. Her breath came in short, stuttering gasps for several moments as she forced the tears away, then she just sank into him and held on as the sand bags weighting down her shoulders lifted away.
Several minutes later, Castle slid from her embrace, brushing his lips against the side of her head he asked, "Are you okay?"
She nodded and reached for a piece of paper towel to mop up her cheeks. "I think so…I think this is what my therapist would call a dramatic break though."
The writer let out a breathy laugh. "Seems appropriate, yeah." He waited for her to dry off her cheeks and beneath her nose before reaching out to cup her jaw with his hand. "So where does that leave us?"
"Well if you can forgive me-"
"Already done."
She smiled. "Then, yeah I think this is finally happening, but I'd like to take it slow. We need to get through tomorrow and then, once I'm back at my place-"
"Oh no, didn't I tell you?" He moved his hand from her jaw to snag her around the waist. "I'm actually not letting you leave now."
"Castle."
He shrugged at her warning tone. "Worth a shot."
Fighting a smile, she said, "I'll pack up my stuff tonight and leave after the funeral tomorrow."
His brow wrinkled. "Why…why would you leave after the funeral?"
She would have thought the reasoning was obvious, but apparently not. "Because you and Alexis should have time to yourselves—with your family."
"Kate." He gripped both her hips with his hands and gazed at her very seriously. "What part of the last nine days made you think that you weren't family?"
"Well-"
Before she could protest, he kissed her lips. "I want you to go to the funeral with us. And to the cemetery. Then I want you to come back to the apartment with us. And I want you to stay the night and then, if you feel you must, you can leave after that."
Seeing no room to argue with this plan, she agreed with a nod. "Okay."
Curled up on her side in the large master bed, Kate shut her eyes and hummed softly as she snuggled up to the pillow. The day had been emotionally grueling to say the least. Castle's speech during his mother's funeral had been both humorous and moving—not that she expected any less of him. Witnessing the writer break down at the gravesite had been heart wrenching for her, but she was glad to have been there for both he and Alexis. At the wake afterwards, she could tell the still-recovering man was growing weary, but he managed to greet each guest warmly and accept their condolences with gratitude.
That evening, when they'd finally made it back to the loft, Rick had asked if she would spend the night in bed with him and she didn't even consider saying no. They were, for all intent and purposes, a couple. She loved him as he loved her and they were about to embark on a beautiful and wonderful journey together—a journey she couldn't wait for.
A few moments later she felt her partner slide into bed behind her and settle his hand at her waist. She smiled to herself and hummed softly in acknowledgement of his touch. He slid a bit closer to her and his hand fell from the edge of her waist to the middle of her belly. He rubbed his hand back and forth against her stomach over top of her t-shirt for a few moments before slipping his hand beneath. Kate's eyes popped open, but she didn't say anything, too curious to see how bold he would be.
His hand splayed over the skin on her belly and didn't move for several moments so her eyes drifted shut again. When, almost a minute later, the hand did move, it did not travel northward as she would have anticipated, but south. His pinky brushed against the edge of her pajama bottoms and then crept beneath the edge. Kate's eyes opened again. His pinky was soon followed by three other fingers that drifted down over her cotton panties. Just before they reached the juncture of her legs she said, "What do you think you're doing?"
His lips appeared at the back of her neck before he whispered, "What do you think I think I'm doing?" as he slid his index and middle fingers over the crest of her pubic bone.
"Castle!" she scolded, using her left arm to nudge his away enough to remove it from her pants.
"Hmm?"
At his clearly amused tone, she rolled over on her back and looked at him over her shoulder. "We are not having sex." His expression fell into one that made it seem as though she had just canceled Christmas for the next decade. She shook her head, refusing to fall for any trap he may have been setting. "Don't give me that look. You could barely keep your eyes open when we got home from the wake!"
"Right. That twenty minute nap I took was in preparation for this." He rolled closer to her and slid his hand back towards her crotch, but she grabbed on to his arm.
"No."
"Kate."
She pulled his hand away from her body and grasped it tightly between her own. "Rick, I promise you there is nothing I want more than to make love to you, but now is not the time. You're still recovering and I do want to take things slow."
He sighed tragically. "Fine…will you at least make out with me a little bit?"
She smiled and leaned her body into his, bringing their lips together. As they kissed, she rolled even closer to him, sliding one of her legs in between his. He groaned and rolled his hips against her thigh, which made her drag her teeth against his lower lips. When she began to feel his interest in the situation a bit more firmly against her leg, she pulled back and skimmed her fingers through his hair to cradle his head.
Staring into his eyes she was reminded of the moment during the funeral towards the end of his speech when Castle mentioned that one of the last things he told his mother was that he loved her, a sentiment rarely shared between the two of them, but one that was warranted in that moment due to their fear and uncertainty. Kate was reminded of the last statement she said to Castle: a promise that she would get him out of the bank.
On that promise, she had failed, though that failure was far beyond her scope of control. She had promised herself not to second-guess any decisions or moments of that day, for with them she could drive herself to the brink of madness. She would accept that Castle was alive and well and they would move on together. Still, she could not help but think once again of how one tiny shift in debris could have given her a completely different ending.
"What's wrong?" he asked, presumably at her change in expression.
She shook her head. "Nothing…just the funeral reminded me again of just how close I came to losing you"
He nodded knowingly. "It's a terrible feeling and I'm sorry you had to experience it but I promise you, Kate, I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me forever."
She grinned at the prospect. "Promise?"
He leaned in and kissed her. "Always."
A/N: thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. i'm so glad you've enjoyed this story. only the epilogue remains and it will be posted later this week.