Chapter 10

"Can you sit down, please? You're driving me crazy!"

They're back in Eliza's room; Eliza in her bed, finally allowed to sit up a little, and Arizona pacing around the room like a maniac.

Not wanting to make things worse, Arizona comes to an abrupt stop at the foot of the bed. She rests her hands on the rail as a deep sigh escapes her. "I'm sorry," she grumbles, "It's just... aaghr! I can't believe they kicked me out. That they are in there, talking about you without involving us. We are doctors, for crying out loud!"

"Not on this case," Eliza calmly reminds her. "Come on, I know it's frustrating, but it is normal protocol. They won't just decide on anything, there will be time to respond to whatever they come up with. Just wait for it."

"Eliza, something is wrong!" Arizona cries out.

Eliza inhales deeply, closes her eyes and drops her head backwards in her pillows. "Don't you think I know that?!" she sighs.

She doesn't move for a few seconds. When she opens her eyes again, she looks at Arizona, who hasn't moved either. She swallows, fighting with a lump in her throat. "I know something is going on. I know they will walk in here any moment now and tell me some shitty news that I don't wanna hear about. Then it will be real. From that moment on I can't go back anymore, I can't go back to the moment that it wasn't real yet. So till then, can we please... pretend everything is alright? Pretend we are anywhere but here?"

Arizona drops her shoulders. She nods, slowly. "Sure," she answers, sharing a sympathetic smile. She walks around the bed and climbs up, resting her back against the rail at the foot-end. "Where do you wanna go?"

Relieved to drop the heavy subject for a minute, Eliza exhales and smiles back at Arizona. She lifts her hand and starts playing with her hair, as her mind starts wandering off. "You know there's this place, this hotel, I think it's in the north of Sweden - or Finland maybe. It's not a big place, just a whole bunch of little cabins - little igloos. But they're made of glass! So you can watch the Northern Lights all night long, without leaving your warm, cozy bed." She smiles as she's picturing the place in her head. "I wouldn't mind taking you there."

"That sounds amazing. I definitely wouldn't mind being taken there!" Arizona muses, as she softly caresses Eliza's leg.

"There's also this place in Japan," Eliza continues, "where you can take a bath with monkeys."

A big laugh escapes Arizona's lips. "No way!?" she cries out, astonished by the idea.

"It's true! There are these hot springs, somewhere in this snowy area where the monkeys live. I think they're baboons, but I'm not sure. Anyway, they like to relax in the warm water. Getting all stoned in there. The baby monkeys play around like kids at a pool," Eliza tells, as her eyes light up with enthusiasm.

Although the subject itself doesn't completely distract Arizona from her worries, just seeing Eliza like this does replace the nervous twitch in her stomach for a zillion butterflies. She can't help it: it makes her grin like an idiot.

"Don't laugh at me!" Eliza exclaims. "I'm telling you, it's true! You can go there as a tourist and actually join them in the water."

"Oh, I believe you," Arizona chuckles. "I mean, it's Japan right? Why wouldn't it be true? As a doctor though, I have some serious doubts about this. Wouldn't you be swimming in their feces?"

Eliza makes a face, then laughs again. "So the Northern Lights it is, then?"

"The Northern Lights it is!" Arizona nods. She waves her arm above her head, making them both look up towards the ceiling. "Green sky, here we come."

When she drops her arm, she bends forward to grab Eliza's hand. She's about to speak up again when a voice coming from behind makes her look over her shoulder.

"Sorry to interrupt," Amelia says as both she and Callie walk in. Without thinking Arizona quickly gets off the bed, although she doesn't let go of Eliza's hand. They're not laughing anymore.

"Eliza, this is Dr. Torres, your orthopedic surgeon. She operated on your leg the other day," Amelia continues.

Eliza sits up straight and sticks out her free hand to shake Callie's. "Dr. Torres, wow! I've been following your work for quite a while, especially your cartilage research. It's an honor," she tells her.

Callie smiles at her. "I heard we're in the same field. I'm sorry we have to meet like this."

"Me too," Eliza replies, before focusing her attention on Amelia again. "What's your verdict?"

Amelia clears her throat. "The scans of your brain and spinal cord look good. Nothing to worry about there-"

"But?" Arizona interrupts her impatiently.

Eliza looks up at her and softly squeezes her hand. "Give them a second, okay?" she quietly tells her.

"It's alright," Amelia calmly reacts, "I know you're worried. And I hate to tell you that there's indeed a but. Eliza, we detected some serious nerve damage in your leg. A fifth degree injury. The neurological assessment already told us your reflexes are working well, so we know your leg isn't paralyzed. But with the sciatic nerve being this damaged we now also know for sure that the impact is big. Even though most likely you'll be able to stand on it, it will drastically affect your abilities to move, to feel, to..." She falls quiet.

Eliza just looks at her. Then at Callie, and then at Amelia again. She takes a deep breath. "So I need surgery for that?"

"Yes. But unfortunately we won't be able to do a nerve repair. There's too much damage. We have to use a graft," Amelia answers.

"A donor nerve?" Arizona asks, even though she knows that they all understand pretty well what they're talking about.

Amelia nods. "Yes."

Arizona narrows her eyes. "Where would you take it from?"

"That's the thing," Callie jumps in. "In most cases we would take it from the medial nerve in the arm. But there's this one side-effect that we can't avoid: numbness. It can take years before the sensation in the forearm, and maybe even the hand, will be back to normal. And for you, that would mean-"

"-that I won't be able to operate anymore," Eliza finishes her sentence.

Amelia sighs empathetically. "I'm afraid a procedure like this will end your career as a surgeon," she admits. "Now the alternative would be to use your sural nerve, the one that runs up the back of your leg, from your other leg. It will leave you with numbness to the outside of your foot."

"That might sound as an easy solution, but it's really not. It doesn't just mean that both of your legs have to recover simultaneously, but your injured leg has to be strong enough for two before you could ever be back on your feet in an OR. Because the donor one could give you problems at any time, unexpectedly, for a long time," Callie adds.

"But it will work?" Eliza asks, unconsciously tightening her grip on Arizona's hand.

"It could work," Amelia answers, "but it's a complicated procedure, and not without risks. Plus recovery will be tough."

Eliza lifts her hand and rubs her forehead, like she's having a headache.

"Honestly though, I think it's your only option here," Amelia continues.

As Eliza stares at some blind spot on the wall, Arizona speaks up again. "You need to do it," she tells Callie. "You fixed Derek's hand, that procedure wasn't that different from this one. You can do this."

"That's why I'm still here. If Eliza chooses to go for a graft, then the two of us will perform the surgery. The muscle re-innervation will not occur after long periods of time without nerve innervation, so it's necessary to operate as quickly as possible," Callie explains. She looks at Eliza. "You need to be stronger though. You're still recovering from the previous surgeries. And this one will require a lot from you."

"Can't you just put me under for a couple of days? Like I'm in hibernation..?" Eliza mumbles.

Amelia answers her question with a soft smile. "I know this is a lot to process. You don't have to decide anything straight away. Just don't take too long, okay?"

Eliza nods. "Okay. Thank you - both of you."

Callie carefully rests her hand on the framework around Eliza's leg. "I need to go back to New York now, to see my patients there. If you want to proceed I can be back in four days. I'll perform the second part of your orthopedic surgery as well then. Just talk to Dr. Shepherd about your decision, she'll keep me posted."

She nods at them as a sign of goodbye, then turns around to leave the room. Yet before she reaches the door, Arizona quickly lets go of Eliza's hand and sprints towards her.

"Callie!"

Callie halts and turns around.

"If you do come over later this week, can you please bring Sofia?" Arizona asks her.

Callie looks pensive for a second before she nods once again. "I'll see what I can arrange with her school. Alright?"

Arizona accepts with a smile, then spins around again as Callie leaves the room. Eliza is looking at her, wide-eyed. She opens her mouth to speak up when Amelia, unaware of the whole thing, interrupts her.

"Okay, I know there's a lot to talk about, but this is not the time," she tells them. "Eliza, take some rest, I'll come back to you in a few hours. And you..."

She turns around toward Arizona, who's already putting both of her hands up in the air.

"Yes, I know: go home, get some sleep!" she finishes Amelia's order with a heavy sigh. "I'm telling you Shepherd, if you're ever done with being a surgeon, you should seriously consider becoming a nanny!"

"Arizona!"

The voice comes from afar and doesn't fit the situation, which is why she tries to ignore it. But it's persistent.

"Arizona! Wake up!"

She opens her eyes and finds herself on the couch in her own living room. She's not in the hospital, as she believed she was. Teddy is crouching next to her, one hand on her shoulder. Arizona sits up, blinking and a little dazed.

"I'm sorry for waking you, but you were screaming," Teddy says as she takes a sit on the couch as well. "Were you having a nightmare again?"

Arizona rubs her eyes. "Yes, I believe so. Although this time it doesn't really linger. What was I screaming about?"

"Something about only children being around..? I'm not really sure," Teddy answers.

Leaning backwards Arizona closes her eyes for a second. "Gary Clark," she sighs. "Remember him? The shooter?"

"Sure," Teddy nods, "That's years ago though!"

"I know!" Arizona exclaims. "I haven't thought about him in ages, but these days he visits me all the time. Every time I'm not dreaming about plane crashes and amputations and... when I'm just dreaming about normal stuff. Fun stuff. Like hanging out at some playground with Sofia, or just having a coffee in a nice bakery - then Bam! there he is again," she growls.

Teddy looks at her. "Does he scare you?"

"Well, yeah, of course he does. But... I don't know. Somehow I feel like that's not even the thing that's bothering me," she sighs. She slowly gets up. "You want coffee?"

Even though Teddy tells her no and to sit down and to talk to her, Arizona continues her way to the kitchen and starts to make coffee for herself. Teddy follows her and sits down on top of the kitchen table, from where she watches Arizona struggle with the coffee machine. Just as she's about to tell Arizona to count to ten and try again, Arizona speaks up, without turning around.

"Eliza got the results of her scans this morning. It doesn't look good. She needs major surgery, with no single guarantee." She bites her lips, subconsciously waiting for some standard compassion, but Teddy surprises her with a question instead.

"How does that make you feel?" is all she asks.

Arizona turns around. "Me? This isn't about me!"

"Tell me anyway," Teddy shrugs.

Placing both hands behind her, Arizona pushes herself up on the kitchen counter, her feet dangling down. "Or what? Push-ups again?"

"Stop joking, Robbins. Just tell me!"

Arizona exhales, as she permits herself to actually think about the question. Teddy lets her. "I guess I feel... useless," Arizona says, to Teddy as well as to herself, while staring at the floor. "She's hurt, I'm a doctor, and there's not a damn thing I can do."

"Is that how you feel in those dreams as well?" Teddy asks her.

Arizona keeps looking at the floor, recalling her nightmares, then suddenly looks up. "Yes!" she exclaims. "I think it is! All those situations, that's what they all have in common. How I couldn't do anything. How useless I was!"

"But you weren't!" Teddy sets her straight. "Think about it. That time with the shooter, you helped out that girl."

"Ruby," Arizona murmurs.

"Yes, Ruby," Teddy continues. "And after the plane crash, I heard you kept an eye on Sloan for days. And let's not forget how you saved Sofia after Callie's accident. That little girl lives because of you!"

Arizona shrugs. "So? How's that helping me now? All of that history is not gonna make Eliza walk again."

"No, it isn't," Teddy admits. "But making her walk again isn't your job here. You're not useless if you can't solve all of it. Just focus on your part. Your only job is being there for her. Like you were there for all of those others. And that's not only something you can do, it's something you will - because that's who you are anyway."

"So you're saying I just have to ignore my doctor-part? How do I even do that?"

"You keep in mind that you'll drive people crazy if you don't. And not just the doctors that are actually involved," Teddy points out. "Believe me, I've been there. Each time Henry got sick I turned into his doctor. Then it turned out I was annoying the crap out of him. He told me he had plenty of doctors, more than enough, but only one wife. He just needed me to be his wife."

Arizona looks thoughtful, then slowly nods. "Yeah, I remember how I hated it when Callie treated me like a patient after I lost my leg."

Teddy jumps off of the table and playfully smacks Arizona on the knee. "Just be her girlfriend. Hold her hand. Kiss away her tears. Sneak in some decent, non-hospital food. And always - always! - be there when she wakes up after surgery!"

The sun has already set when Arizona lets herself in Eliza's room. She shuts the door as well as the blinds and walks up to the bed. "Are you asleep?" she whispers.

"Yes," Eliza answers, without opening her eyes.

Arizona gently strokes her hair. "Okay... I'd better go home then," she teases in the same quiet voice.

Eliza instantly moves her hand up and grabs Arizona by the wrist, proving once again that her reflexes are still working fine. "No, no, I'm awake. Don't go!"

"God, you're so easy," Arizona winks at her, as she kicks off her shoes. When she gets up on the bed, she raises her eyebrow a little. "Is it me or did you get a bigger bed?"

Eliza laughs mischievously. "I had the feeling you'd come back for another sleepover, so I made sure I didn't exactly end up in the middle after those scans. I'm afraid it's still not a lot I can offer though."

"It's more than enough," Arizona hums as she crawls against Eliza and presses her lips against her neck for a delicate kiss. "So how are you? You got a lot to process today."

"I did," Eliza agrees, "I can't believe you were married to Callie Torres!"

Arizona snorts. "You knew I was married to Callie!"

"Yes, you'd mentioned the Callie-part," Eliza reacts, "but never the Torres-part. As did nobody else. So how was I supposed to connect the dots here?"

"Hm, I guess you couldn't. I'm sorry, I didn't even think about mentioning it before. Though of course I didn't expect her to show up on your bedside. Is it a problem for you? The fact that my ex-wife is your surgeon?" Arizona asks carefully.

Eliza looks at her. "Are you kidding me? It's Torres! If I'd known that you knew her I had broken one of my own bones myself, just to have her fix it!" she laughs. "But... is it a problem for you?"

"No, it's not," Arizona reassures her. "As long as you don't start fangirling over her - she already believes she's a superstar." She pushes herself up on her right arm, just to lean in again for a quick kiss.

"And as long as we stop talking about her right now!" she continues, before she moves her face closer to Eliza's and connects their lips again. They part as soon as they touch. The sensation of feeling Eliza's tongue against her own, of being this close to her, for the first time in what feels like forever, makes her shiver. She feels like a school girl, getting all happy over a simple make-out session. But she doesn't care. Right now, this is all she needs - even though she quickly finds out this might not be the best idea, as the lack of air is not doing her spinning head any good.

They break their kiss and just look at each other. Two idiots in love.

"Deal," Eliza smiles, before lifting her head and quickly stealing another kiss.

"Good, I'm glad that's settled," Arizona chuckles, as she lays down again. "Now, back to my question, because I won't believe that finding out your doctor's identity was the biggest news today - although I honestly wish it was. Tell me, how are you?"

Eliza wriggles a little, like she's suddenly uncomfortable. "I told Shepherd she can do the operation. She can use my left leg to fix my right one," she sighs.

Arizona softly exhales. "How does that make you feel?" she asks, unconsciously repeating Teddy's earlier question.

Eliza doesn't answer, and Arizona doesn't push her. They stay quiet for a while. Then, just when Arizona feels like maybe she took it too far, Eliza speaks up.

"Scared," she just says. "I feel scared."

As Arizona looks up she can see a tear rolling down Eliza's face. She remembers how Teddy just told her to kiss them away, but something withholds her, even though it breaks her heart to see Eliza like this. Those tears have been in there too long already. So instead she just holds her, as tight as she possibly can without hurting her.

"It's okay," she whispers. "It's okay to be scared."

Eliza cries, and then cries some more. And Arizona just lets her. Until she can feel how Eliza's chest slowly calms down a little, how she's able to breathe again. "It's okay," she tells her once more, "it's a lot to take in."

Eliza takes a deep breath. "Are we sure this isn't one of your nightmares?" she asks, her voice hoarse from crying, and full of despair. "Does it has to be real?"

Arizona takes her hand, kisses it, then holds it close to her heart. "Soon, yes. But not yet, if you don't want it to be. There's time."

"For pretending?" Eliza mumbles through her tears.

"Sure," Arizona answers. "You know, I was thinking... I'm not so sure about that monkey thing, but there is this beach at the Bahama's where you can swim with little piggies..."

... ...