Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings. If I did, I would have the money to deal with being sued. As Square Enix owns them, I'm apparently broke.
Notes: Loosely based on Alice in Wonderland (which I actually hate with a passion). Cross-dressing and "cross-species-ing" ahead; "gender is a social construct."
The Secretary
Episode 09: Hearts
Sephiroth felt his eyes becoming heavy with sleep. His eyes battered closed. Waking up with a start he flung his eyes fling open. His office had disappeared, replaced by a field. Sephiroth looked around trying to figure out where he was. Why was something he would deal with after he found Midgar.
Looking about he realized that his black coat was gone. There was a blue dress and white apron in its place. She bolted off the ground. Checking quickly, Sephiroth breathed a sigh of relief. Still a man… Good.
Sephiroth's eyes caught a flash of white. He turned his head to see Scarlet. With rabbit ears. And tail. And clothes that covered more than half her body. "I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!" Scarlet the white rabbit ran towards a hole. She dropped a pocket watch, scooped it up, and jumped down the hovel.
Sephiroth stared at the rabbit hole. His eyes blinked. What is going on? Taking a deep breath, Sephiroth followed after Scarlet. He fell. And fell. And fell some more. And kept falling. He passed cabinets and clocks suspended in midair.
Eventually he reached the bottom of the hole. He landed gently into a hallway. He walked along the hall until he reached a small room. On the glass table was a small bottle and a bottle. The bottle had a cute tag reading "drink me." Sephiroth picked up the vial. He opened it up, and sniffed the liquid. "Well… Jessie didn't make it…" Sephiroth slung his head back and downed the drink.
Sephiroth watched as the room grew about him. He watched as a mouse hole became large enough for him to pass through. He found himself in a green forest. Mushrooms, the size of a house, stood proudly. He heard talking somewhere ahead of him.
A small cottage, nestled between oversized grassblades, sat ahead of him. On the left side, a gate swung outwards. Walking through the iron fence, Sephiroth found a large table decorated cheerfully. At the far end, he could make out an oversized hat and a march hare. Coming closer to the pair, he realized it was a masculine Jessie and a rabbit-version of RSL.
"Jessie! RSL! Do you guys know what's going on?" The duo exchanged worried glances.
The hat-wearing Jessie spoke up. "You must be mistaken… I'm the Mad Hatter and this is the March Hare. Although, you should introduce yourself seeing as you're the one intruding on our tea party."
Sephiroth darted his eyes between the Mad Hatter and the hare. He tilted his head. "I'm Sephiroth."
The March Hare jumped up and pulled out a chair. "Here, have a seat, Miss Sephiroth."
Sitting down, "… I'm a guy…"
Not-Jessie laughed. "Whatever you say."
Sephiroth had sat with the babbling idiots for at least a few hours. "Do you know what time it is?"
The Mad-Hatter smiled. "Same time it always is. Six in the evening; tea time."
"… Is it that late? I really should be going…" Sephiroth dashed towards the woods. I must be going insane.
Sephiroth found himself back in the hallway he had originally passed through. He turned around to find nothing but a wall. What is going on? Returning to the tiny room with a glass table, he decided to get the little key. The room must have returned to its normal size. Sephiroth walked to a door, and unlocked it. Beyond, he saw a rose garden.
He watched as playing cards dashed this way and that. He heard a bugle sound and turned to see a procession. The cards marched past him. Following the cards, Queen Rufus and King Tseng stopped before him.
"Who are you!" Queen "Rufus" shouted.
Sephiroth looked at the ground. "I'm not even sure anymore…"
Rufus shook her head. "Care to play croquet?"
Sephiroth had never heard of the game. Considering the playing cards about, it was easy to assume that the game would be a card game. He agreed to play. He was presented a pink bird (who complained a lot) and a hedgehog that kept unrolling itself from a ball.
Sephiroth watched as all the players stuck their hedgehog balls at once. He eventually gave up trying to play and snuck off towards the edge of the gardens.
"Not having fun, little girl?" A floating Reno-cat asked.
Sephiroth was used to the people he knew not being themselves. "… I'm not a girl."
Reno-cat laughed. "Then why are you in a dress?"
"Why would I know? Why are you a cat?"
Reno-cat's body began to fade in and out. "It would be odd for the 'Cheshire Cat' to be a dog, wouldn't you think?"
Sephiroth heard a commotion behind him. He turned to see the procession heading towards him. The queen was shouting something he could not make out. The Cheshire Cat had become just a head.
"Off with his head!" Rufus screamed. The procession began to debate on whether a head could lose its head. Rather than wait for the answer, Reno-cat dissolved himself into a sliver of a smile and eventually disappeared completely.
This trial was getting out of hand. The Mad Hatter and the March Hare had been arguing about what day it was the crime had been committed. Judge Tseng seemed annoyed at the pair. Not-Jessie claimed it was today. Not-RSL commented that the Mad Hatter's watch was broken (because the March Hare had tried to fix it with butter).
The king dismissed the bickering pair and called the little girl-man to the stand. Sephiroth froze. "But, why?"
"To the stand, young lady." Sephiroth sat on the witness stand, his hands absently trying to straighten his apron. "…Now, what can you tell us about the case at hand?"
"But, I don't know anything about the case." As Sephiroth sat dumbly in the box, he realized that he was growing large. The more his nimble fingers stroked the fabric, the more he grew.
"Well, if you cannot give any evidence, then please step down."
Rabbit-Scarlet rushed before the king. "Sir, sir! All witnesses must provide a statement!"
"Fine… Miss what could you tell us?"
Sephiroth thought on his day. "… This is all stupid."
The queen stood indignant. "That is not testimony!"
Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. He was overflowing the witness stand. "You're also stupid."
Rufus shouted for the guards to decapitate the witness. By the time the card army arrived, Sephiroth was breaking through the ceiling. The cards jumped upwards, trying to attack the silver-haired giant.
Sephiroth placed his arms in front of his face and closed his eyes.
"Boom."
Sephiroth's eyes flung open. He was sitting in his office. He looked down onto his lap. He was no longer in a dress. That's a relief.
RSL flung the door open. "Boss! Do you know where a fire extinguisher is?"
Sephiroth pointed towards the corner. He did not ask why it was needed. He did not need to. RSL grabbed the red cylinder and dashed out.
After a few minutes, Jessie entered the office. "Sir? Here is the pap—" The secretary rubbed her eyes. She placed a hand over her mouth in a vain attempt to cover her laughter.
"What is so funny?"
Jessie dug through her briefcase. She pulled out a compact and presented it to him. Sephiroth opened it up and looked in. One of the SOLDIER candidate's application's had been transferred to his face. "I hate naps…"
Like it? Believe I need medication? No opinion? Please review and thank you for taking time for this bit of fluff.
Bunny points to Lily Silver, Stars of Shadow, Akiraine of Gia, SilverKitsune013, and Echobrain for reviewing.