A/N: Geez, I never update, do I? Well, this a chapter that I find to be particularly interesting and one I've had in mind for quite some time. Hope you enjoy it! Please review to inspire to me to write some more (hint, hint)!

Chapter 10- I want to eat your face…cake

"Maybe pink? What do you think?"

"Pink is rather lovely-"

"Ooh! Look at this green!"

"It is very-"

"Blue! Definitely blue!" Silence. "Nella, are you even listening to me?" I turned to find her with a rather exasperated look and armfuls of material. I might have gone overboard. Just a tad. "Sorry, I'm just a little excited."

Nella heaved the pile of cloth on top of a chair with a very He-Man like grunt and daintily wiped her hands on her dress. "Well, it is understandable. It's not every day the King throws a celebration in your honor. And how generous that he offered to have the tailors make you a custom dress!"

I grinned. "Yeah, I just want to look my best, you know?" My smile promptly turned upside down. "I don't get why Carmen has to be a guest of honor, too. I mean, yeah, Turumin. I get that with him saving the day and being the King's nephew and everything, but Carmen? She didn't do anything!"

Maybe I was sounding a teeny bit selfish, but come on! All Carmen had done was ride a horse that could steer itself and puke her guts up afterwards. If it weren't for my sheer stupidity of running headfirst into the situation trying to save her dumbass, we'd all be warg chowder.

Nella shook her head. This was probably my tenth time complaining about Carmen getting a share of my and Turumin's glory. I honestly don't know how or why Nella still put up with me. Must be my witty intellect. "It's still a wonderful honor." I was still feeling a little down and she must have noticed. "Cheer up," she said in her normal overly optimistic tone, "because I know one thing is for certain."

"What? Death and taxes?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "I was going to say that the cooks are also baking a cake as a surprise-"

"A cake? Seriously?!" My eyes widened. I began to literally jump with joy. All this time and the Elves have been holding out cake on me? Honestly, I was too excited to be angry. I hope it's a face cake i.e. cake with my face on it! Or even better, Legolas's face…

"Becky, you're drooling on the fabric!"

"Whoops, my bad," I said with a sheepish grin. I guess some things never change.

MOB POV

Carmen tossed the magazine she'd been flipping through for the umpteenth time with a sigh and laid back on bed. She was bored. Incredibly bored. Without high-speed internet access, let alone electricity, life in Middle-earth was not the adventure Becky bragged it would be. And indoor plumbing. She missed that, too.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," she said with a roll of eyes. Probably another elf maid coming in to measure her bust size again. Elves apparently had no concept of a bust bigger than an A cup. Truth be told, Carmen wouldn't even mind the company. She was starting to feel a little lonely. Just a little.

Surprisingly, Turumin poked in head through the doorway. "Are you decent?"

Carmen sat up and scowled. "Why would you ask that if you're already looking inside?"

The Elf stepped in, closing the door behind him with his hands behind his back. "I've got a surprise for you," he said, completely ignoring her question, as usual. He held up two goblets and a bottle of wine.

Carmen grimaced. "I don't think I can handle any more of your wine. The last time was pretty bad," she said, remembering her drunken antics. That poor guard probably wouldn't be having kids anytime soon.

Turumin grinned at the memory. "As hilarious as it was last time, you probably won't have as severe effects after a couple drinks of this." He took a seat on the upholstered bench at the foot of the bed, having previously learned the lesson of not sitting on Carmen's bed. "This particular wine," he held up the bottle, "is one of my father… erm, I mean uncle's specialty wines. He only brings it out for special occasions and I thought your cooperation over the past few days deserved a bottle. This wine is much less potent than the others and much sweeter."

He shoved a goblet in her hand and proceeded to fill it nearly to the brim. Carmen looked at it hesitantly. "I don't know about this."

Turumin scoffed. "Nonsense, don't be such a… what was it that you called Gildor? A pos-say?"

"Something like that," she said with a sigh. "Nothing to do but get drunk in this boring place, anyways," she added in a mumble.

He was taken back. "There is plenty to do around here!"

"Like what?" she asked dryly.

"You could ride horses, practice your archery or swordsmanship, read in the library-"

"So stuff I'm not good at or I have no interest in." She took a sip of her wine. It wasn't that bad. She took another sip. Feeling much chattier, she added, "Becky's good at stuff. Like math and reading. But not me. I don't really have something I'm good at." She looked forlornly into her cup.

Turumin could relate, having been compared to his twin brother his whole life. But he wasn't going to tell Carmen that of all people. "I'm sure there is something that you're good at."

Carmen took a deep breath and said, "If convincing everyone that you're marrying a guy who clearly isn't straight just so he can get his grandma's massive fortune and split it with you is something I'm good at, then I must be a master of it."

He furrowed his brow. "Straight?"

"He likes to have sex with men," she said bluntly.

Turumin promptly started to choke on his wine. "And you were betrothed to this man?" he said in between coughs.

"No, we were engaged. Did you even listen to me?"

Turumin cleared his throat and took a gulp of his wine. "That's what betrothed means."

"Oh." It was Turumin's turn to roll his eyes and Carmen huffed. "Well, like I said it was just for money. It's not like we did anything. We were going to end it when the old lady kicked the bucket in a month or two anyways."

The Elf was baffled by her words. "Marriage is something that should be shared between two people who are in love. It's eternal, not some sort frivolous promise you can throw away!"

"You obviously haven't heard of divorce." She paused to take a sip of wine. Empty already? She grabbed the bottle and poured another goblet-full, enjoying the pleasant buzz she had already. "Hey, Turumin, aren't you like a million years old? And you've never been married?"

Turumin glared at her. "I am not a million years old. I'm fairly young when it comes to Elves."

Carmen over exaggerated a headshake, swaying a bit as she did. "You didn't answer my question."

"Well, no," he mumbled.

"Exactly, so don't go off telling me what to do." She took another big gulp and said, "I bet you haven't even done 'it' yet."

"'It'? What do you mean by 'it'?"

Carmen stifled a giggle, unsure if it was from the wine or the subject matter. "You know? The nasty, the horizontal tango, doin' it, putting your spoon in her jelly jar…" Turumin was clearly dumbfounded. "Well, have you had sex before or not?" When he didn't answer she had to hold in her laughter. "You mean to say you're a virgin?" she half-shrieked and he winced at the sound.

He sheepishly turned away and downed the rest of his drink, then turned to her. Well, maybe this wine was a little stronger than he anticipated but it certainly helped his embarrassment at the moment. This subject wasn't really one talked about. Especially one with the opposite sex.

"I am but-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Turumin glared at her until she held her hand over her mouth and the laughter died. "Sorry, I swear it's the wine." He didn't believe her.

"Carmen, you have to understand that… that act is sacred to Elves," he said, choosing his words carefully. "It is reserved for consummating marriages and procreation purposes. It isn't discussed among my kind." But Turumin secretly wished it was. He'd heard shortly after marriage and children the urge in Elves died. An urge he had himself. An uncomfortable urge…

He poured himself another goblet while Carmen polished off her own wine. Her cup nudged his own and he began to fill it. He looked up at her, about to say something about her alcohol tolerance and Elvish wine, but stopped. Carmen was staring at him with a look that he didn't quite know how to describe… besides obviously tipsy. "Are you okay?"

"You know, Turumin," she said, her voice dropping a little low, "if you ever wanted to try some of those things, I would be happy to help you out." She sat up straight, folding her arms just below her girls so that she was showing a dangerous amount of cleavage to the Elf. Turumin went wide-eyed. "It's not like anyone could find out. It'd be just the two of us," she added.

Carmen mentally slapped herself. What the hell was she saying? Did she really want to get it on with an Elf of all things? Well, she had been without male or battery-operated companionship for quite some time. Not to mention Turumin wasn't that bad. Take out the bad dye job and he could seem kind of… cute? The fuzzy, tingly sensation from the wine was making him look better by the second.

Turumin audibly gulped. He mouth felt suddenly too dry and he drained the rest of his wine. It's not like he hadn't thought about this scenario a few dozen times despite her egotistical, offensive, irritating, whiny behavior. No one around here looked quite like Carmen… or pissed him off quite like she did either. She was right, for once. No one would find out because it wasn't like his presence was needed anywhere, save for that celebration later on in the week. And he was sure the Valar wouldn't disapprove of him having at least a little fun in his life, right? A woman didn't count compared to an Elf maiden, right?

"So, what do you say?" Turumin snapped himself out of his thoughts and looked at Carmen, eyeing her up and down. She deliberately bit her bottom lip and he quickly grabbed a decorative pillow to put in his lap. The wine felt like it was already making his inhibitions come out, so to speak.

He flushed. "Uh, I… um…"

"Oh, spit it out already."

Turumin's face got even redder. "I'm unsure of how to politely describe this issue…"

Carmen huffed. "Hey, if you're trying to accuse me of having some sort of disease-"

"No, it's not that!" he said frantically. He briefly wondered if he blushed anymore if he would pass out. "It's… Well, Elves and Men can still copulate and make… things."

"Like porn?"

The Elf furrowed his brow. "Although I am curious as to what that is now, that isn't quite what I had in mind." Carmen shrugged and he gave an exasperated sigh. "I meant," his voice dropped to a whisper and he avoided her eye contact, "children."

"That's the big deal?" she asked with an eye roll.

Turumin was surprised by her untroubled response. "It is a 'big deal.' Having a child is a huge-"

"Let me stop you in your tracks," she said, holding up her hand. Reaching into her purse behind her, she dug through for a little bit. "Your-reek-aye!" she finally said triumphantly, yet again butchering the English language.

Turumin looked at her hand. She had a small, pink compact with the words 'Do NOT forget!' inscribed at the top. When she opened it, he saw a strange arrangement of multi-colored tablets, nearly a third of which were gone. "What is the purpose of that?"

"This," she held it up with a cheeky grin, "prevents 'big deals.'"

He eyed it skeptically. "Are you certain it works…?"

Carmen scoffed. "If it didn't, I'd already have a few 'big deals.'" She turned back to him, that same weird look to her eyes. "So, do you want to do this?"

Turumin gulped again. A mixture of bravery (thanks to a heavy helping of alcohol), excitement, and anxiety flood him. He'd conquered wargs, orcs, demon squirrels, gigantic spiders, and a rather irritating twin brother's shadow. Now it was finally time for him to conquer the female form. He had already achieved the hero status he wanted, so what was really holding him back? Nothing, that's what!

"All right," he said with a devilish grin, "let's do this."

Carmen grinned in return and slowly leaned forward…

(End of Chapter 10)