Chapter 10

"Well, maybe we can practise a bit." Louisa tells me with a mischievous smile. She gets up and drags me upward with the hand she's still holding.

We are standing in my kitchen opposite each other, and I'm not quite sure what she wants.

She looks provocatively up to me.

"So?" She asks.

"So – what?" I reply, knowing that whatever I do I run a high risk of doing the wrong thing.

She takes my hand and places it on her waist, and now I realise what is expected, and I place my other hand at the small of her back.

She snuggles closer against my chest. If she expects me to do that daily, then I'm the last one to complain.

I remove my hand from her waist and put it around her shoulder, drawing her closer. Without really realising it I start to rock her gently, to some unknown symphony.

I could stay like this forever, especially when I hear Louisa's contented sigh.

"You still think I should lose some pounds?" I suddenly crush onto the firm ground of reality.

"All I was trying to say was that habits formed in pregnancy are difficult to get rid of."

She draws back a bit and peeks upward at me. "But maybe I don't want to get rid of that habit?"

I don't understand. What could possibly be desirable in indulging empty calories and high-fat produce?

"But why?"

"I know you don't need any sweets…"

"No one needs sweets. They are just an unhealthy habit, like smoking or drinking…."

"That's not true, Martin. You must know that chocolates raise the serotonin levels and increases the level of happiness."

"Nonsense! A good walk over the cliffs would do the same."

"Not for me. Martin, I'm no child."

"Of course you're not!"

"And I won't tolerate that things I buy for myself are hidden from me."

"It was just for your own good."

"You've got to leave that to me, what's for my own good."

I see that I won't convince her with this tactic, but this point is important to me. I saw too many ruining their health by the wrong lifestyle. I feel obliged to protect her.

"But we have to be a good example for James Henry." If she doesn't see that she is harming herself, maybe protection of our son might bring her to her senses.

"Yes, we have."

I sigh relieved.

"But do you really think you can keep him off sweets all his life – or at least for all his childhood?"

"I can try."

"He will see soon that other children are eating ice-creams, chocolate, sweets of all sorts."

"The more important it'll be for him to see optimal eating behaviour at home."

"No, Martin. It is important that he doesn't get curious. I've seen several children who were forbidden any sweets from their parents…"

"Good." I didn't expect so much sense in this backwater.

"Well, not really. Whenever their parents were out of sight, they stuffed themselves with sweets. Some even stole them from their schoolmates, as they didn't want their parents to find out that they had bought some."

"James will know that he shouldn't steal!" How can she assume that our son will develop into a lying, scheming, stealing sod!

"You'll never know. If he doesn't dare to ask for something he likes?"

"How would he know he likes sweets if he never gets any?"

"It'll just enhance his curiosity. Don't you think it would be far better if he sees us consuming these things moderately?"

"No, it wouldn't."

"Martin, remember. I am a teacher, I know about children. The best thing would be for us to be a good example in handling this responsibly, without triggering his curiosity, without making it an alluring forbidden fruit, but to allow him the possibility to address his wishes openly."

I clear my throat. My change of tactics had backfired on me. I feel I am in a trap I can't escape. I still don't see the sense in eating unnecessary calories.

Louisa rubs my chest and places a light kiss on my cheek. I can't help but feel that she wants to twist me around her little finger.

"The intake of calories is not the only factor relevant for a healthy body mass index, is it?"

"Of course, there are several parameters participating – the uptake of calories is one factor, but there's also how much energy you need during the day. The latter is influenced by genetic influences as well as life-style, mainly doing exercise."

"That's what I mean. It wouldn't do any harm, when James is a bit older, to give him a little ice-cream after we've had a long walk? As a reward, maybe?"

"I still don't see the point…"

She puts her finger on my mouth and I keep it shut.

"And don't you think that this morning we used up the energy equivalent of at least three chocolate digestives?"

I hardly have to calculate to be able to confirm this equation. However, I can't see why the one should justify the other.

"So, you gruff puritan, don't you think you've helped me to lose more weight this morning – quite pleasurably – than you did by hiding the chocolate digestives in a mean way?"

"I…uhm…"

"What I'm saying is – I do need some sweets now and then. I've got a bit of a sweet tooth. Guilty there. And I don't intend to do without it."

I growl. Really, I expected better of her.

"If you like it or not – I'm not willing to discuss it. However, maybe I can soften the blow for you by offering you to support me with my exercise in order to get rid of the extra energy. Hm?"

She nudges my chest with her chin, and I think I do understand the offer.

"Oh, really, Louisa. It's just empty calories. I really don't understand…"

"You don't have to understand. Just accept, maybe?"

She nudges me again, and I realise that she won't give in, however stupid that is.

"Is there anything I can do to convince you…"

"Nothing whatsoever."

She obviously declares this conversation as finished. Do I have a choice?

"Alright, then. I won't hide your biscuits ever again."

"Glad you…"

"…but," I interrupt her, "I will never buy them for you, and try to eat them when James can't see you."

"You make me sound like some drug addict."

"The way chocolate works in the brain is basically quite similar…"

"Alright, Martin, I don't think I actually want to hear it. Don't worry – I'll have my supply ready, as long as you're not interfering."

I grumble "I still think…"

"Don't!" She says, giving me a peck on the lips. "You do too much of it anyway, but if you have to think of something, then maybe you can think of the exercise we can do together."

She snuggles close again, and I kiss the tip of her head.

My life will change, and it's not just the daily routine. She made me compromise on my principles. Something no one else has ever done before.

I try hard to concentrate on what I may gain. I try to concentrate on the panic I had felt when I thought I might lose either of them – Louisa in the car crash, James Henry by Mrs. Tishell's barmy kidnapping.

I remind myself that having a family – something I never thought I might ever have – is worth those sacrifices. However, I'm still scared about what she might expect next.

"Well, Martin, I think that's it – for the moment. What do you say?"

"Right."

"Remember?" She scolds me, and her first demand comes to my mind. I swallow, trying to gain time to find filling phrases for what I'd like to say. Until now, my speech was for transporting information as economically as possible. I've got to learn to add stupid fillers.

I breathe in deeply before answering. "Alright, Louisa, I think I can learn, at least I will try."

I'm exhausted. It is so darn difficult to form whole sentences if one word would say the same, but my effort doesn't go unnoticed.

"Very good, Martin. There is hope. And do you think you'll be able to live with that?"

"Ehm…I think I can learn."

"Good. That's really all for now. I think everything else will fall into place."

"Really? You haven't forgotten anything?"

There is one thing she hasn't mentioned, and to be honest, it is the one thing important to me. I really would like to make this one demand, but I'm scared to ask.

I don't want to ruin it again.

I watch her furrowing her brow. "No. No I don't think so."

However, for James Henry's sake I've got to take the risk.

To be continued…