Chapter 10
Sam remembered little of how he got from the motel room to the diner. His instincts were going wild, his body being fuelled by the demon blood and nothing but the demon blood. He was like a gun dog following a scent through the town. They were close and he needed to get to them.
Needed more of the sweet liquid dripping down his throat.
He thought of nothing else , no one else, just his deepest most toe curling desires.
He didn't register stealing a car, knocking someone out or even the looks he got as he charged down the street with blood dripping down his face.
Every cell in his body was humming, alive in ways they hadn't been since he had let Lucifer out, months ago.
They thanked him for giving in, releasing so many endorphins inside of him it felt like he was floating.
Floating in a black fog.
When the primal haze eventually lifted, he was standing in front of the horseman, surprised to find his weakened body in a wheelchair. He looked nothing like War.
Demons were surrounding him like rapid guards. His brother was behind them, being held still by two of the lackeys- the second Dean's eyes landed on him, they widened in horror.
He was mouthing, shouting, 'Sammy no'.
Sam's insides churned.
He wanted to flinch.
His eyes watered, but not a single drop fell.
His angel was sat off to the side, hidden in a sea of burgers, desperately devouring them all. He seemed oblivious to everything going on around them, too far gone in his own hunger to even notice Sam's entrance.
The hunter was thankful for that at the very least. Thankful that Castiel wouldn't get to see him like this.
Wouldn't see him with his face covered in dried blood, the evidence of his weakness clear to all that looked.
He was a monster.
A vampire in human form.
He heard Dean repeat his statement and his attention drifted back towards the horseman.
Famine was riding towards him now, speaking of the earlier demons he had sent as a snack.
A part of Sam, deep at the back of his mind, wanted to lunge at him, scream 'how dare he', fight back against yet another attempt at manipulation.
His body however didn't move an inch, his eyes barely even twitched.
His mind locked on the horseman's next statement.
Offering up the demons in the room as desert.
Offering him unlimited blood.
Offering him all he could ever wish for.
His insides sang, pulled, danced, begged him for more. For him to accept. He was too far gone now, his cells argued, it was pointless to try and fight.
He knew in an instant that if he was to do this then that would be it for him, there would be no turning back.
He considered for a moment just how long it would take to reach them. Two steps? Maybe Three? Then a swipe of the blade resting in his belt and it would be his.
If he could go for an artery, it would practically pool into his mouth.
Three little steps and he got to keep the power inside of him.
Forever.
He swallowed, his eyes locked on to famine, then they shifted with great force to take in his brother's face.
He didn't seem as disgusted as he thought he would, instead he looked worried, worried for himself, worried for the future, worried for what Sam would say... but most importantly- worried for him.
Of what would become of him should he say yes.
He looked towards Castiel who had managed to tear his attention away from his own hunger long enough to register he was there.
Sam closed his eyes.
Famine's next words ringing in his ears.
He wouldn't die from this.
He could have as much as he wanted and he would never die, he was the exception to the rule.
His eyes snapped open.
The exception. Always the exception.
He was never normal. Always the freak, the one the grand design could never get to fit in.
The hunger clawed at him, begged him, his throat burned as it did in the motel room. His body pleading with him to give in. It wanted more, it needed more. What he had inside of him now, wasn't enough, no amount of blood would ever be enough.
He felt sick.
He could still smell it on him, his body was craving it more than anything, it didn't understand why he hadn't taken the steps yet, why he was resisting.
He didn't understand it either.
All was already lost, so why not just give in?
It was practically torture for him standing there when the demons were so close.
His body needed the blood like a fish needed water.
'My body has never been my own.' He had once told Castiel and that had never felt truer than it did at this moment in time. His mind hated his addiction, but his body loved it. He wanted to be as far away from the substance as he possibly could, his body wanted it joined with him for all eternity.
It was nothing but a conditioned puppet.
Forced when he was just 6 months old to accommodate an addiction which would shape the rest of his life.
"Take them." He was told.
His eyes hardened, the glistening tears refusing to fall.
"No." he all but spat, surprising even himself.
He just about registered Castiel sitting up straighter, his head tilting to the side, his hands clasped on another burger ready to tear it apart, but pausing at those words.
He could see Dean's brow crease in confusion, a little hope brightening his eyes.
Hope that his brother was still in there.
Sam swallowed hard, his heart pounding in protest, his lungs contracting, his liver crying out.
He ignored them all, forcing himself with all his might not to give in now.
He wasn't attached to any strings.
He had a choice, no matter what circumstances had brought them to this point, he still had a choice.
Famine said something in response, in disbelief, Sam couldn't hear what.
'What was he doing?' Even his brain screamed to him. 'Why was he putting himself through this?'
His hunger gnawed at him, his blood boiled, but he pushed it down, pushed it down so deep into his guts it didn't stand a chance of ever coming back up again.
He may have been offered all he ever wanted.
But he had never wanted this.
Before he second guess himself, he flung his arm out, calling upon the power which had become part of him.
His body pulsed in protest, unwilling to let the blood go so easily.
He didn't care. He summoned whatever strength he had left inside of him and demanded it to do his bidding.
He was many things, but for now at least he was still human.
And that meant it was his damn body and whether it liked it or not, it was going to do as it was told by him. Not anyone else. Not the demons, not the blood, not its own cravings. But him and him alone.
The demons started to raise out of their meet suits and Dean dropped to the floor.
They were almost gone when Famine said he'd take them for himself, calling them back. In revulsion the two brother's watched as the horseman's mouth opened and the demonic energy drew into him.
Sam guessed everyone had their hunger.
With a smile he realised he had just discovered famine's.
He wondered how many of those demons the creature had come to consume over the years and before he could even understand what he was doing, he gripped his hand tight and pulled with all his might.
His body, his choices, his actions.
He was weak, but thanks to famine himself he was strong enough for this.
Blood trickled down his nose but he forced the power on, it was not allowed to stop. The horseman fought, wriggled, growled, collapsed. More smoke than Sam had ever seen, exploding out of him, leaving him immobile in the centre of the diner.
He didn't move again.
And the room fell quiet.
After what felt like an eternity, Dean made the first move, he stood up.
His mouth was agape as Sam went to wipe the blood of his face, sniffing in absolute exhaustion. His hands were trembling as the effects of withdrawal already began to settle in.
He had used too much.
Too much, too quickly, with a purpose his powers were never intended for.
Castiel got to his feet and Sam turned his attention to the floor. He didn't deserve to look at either of them, not after what he had done.
He barely noticed Dean pulling the ring off the horseman's finger to far gone in his own shame spiral.
"How did you..." Castiel started but never finished as Dean pocketed the ring and all but charged towards Sam, grabbing hold of his arm, almost like he was worried he was about to shoot off and never return.
Sam almost laughed, a sad dejected laugh- He didn't need to worry about that.
If he was going to flee, he would have done it with the cubic volume of all the demons in tow.
He wasn't going anywhere now except to the place they decided to put him. He wasn't up for his next hit. He knew the consequences of what he had done.
"Take us to Bobby's!" Dean demanded, tightening his grip around Sam, as if he expected one hell of a fight. Castiel dropped the remaining burger from his hand, the most unreadable expression on his face as he took in the younger Winchester. Sam didn't even want to think about what he looked like, how repulsive he now was to the angel. He hung his head lower in disgrace.
Castiel did not move, tilting his head to look at Dean.
"Do you not understand what he just did?" He asked, his eyes wide. Sam winced, all his suspicions being confirmed in an instant.
If he looked at the angel's face, he may have realised it wasn't aversion which lay within it.
But he didn't.
All he could think about was that Castiel knew without a shadow of a doubt he was a monster now.
And that their friendship was over.
"Yes I do, now get us the hell to Bobby's." Dean continued, almost frenetic. He reached around , grabbing Sam's other arm too, as if the delay in them moving would somehow snap him into action.
Sam closed his eyes, trying to remember the last time Dean touched him when he wasn't disgusted by him. He needed to remember that, needed to make sure he never forgot it. It would be a long time now before he was touched like that again.
That thought hurt more than anything.
But he knew he deserved it.
Castiel shook his head.
"No you don't. He all but killed famine, Dean!" He growled and Sam shrank back, wondering how everything could change so drastically in just a few hours. He wondered if his nightmares would become a part of his everyday life now, his new reality.
The panic room was the best place for him he decided.
He wouldn't be able to cope with it all without Castiel's assistance.
And he had well and truly lost that now.
"I saw."
"You saw, but you don't comprehend the significance of his actions." Castiel continued, heading towards them, silently begging Sam to make eye contact with him. He got it now, he knew why Sam was acting so strange back at the motel. From the second he realised who was behind all of this, he feared for his friend. But never, not once, did he imagine it ending like this.
He had told Sam he was strong, but he was wrong.
Strength didn't even begin to cover this.
"Just get us out of here." Dean said again and Castiel relented. He shook his head in annoyance but reached over anyway, touching a hand to Dean's shoulder, then slowly he moved his other hand to Sam's.
He tried not to register Sam's flinch as he swore to drill just what Sam had accomplished into the brothers later.
The second they landed at Bobby's house, Dean took off, frog marching Sam down the stairs, not even bothering to explain what was going on to the immobilized hunter who appeared in the doorway at the sound of Castiel's wings. His face was questioning, a frown firmly set in place as he watched one of his surrogate children drag the other to the basement.
His lips thinned as he pressed them together and shook his head, it didn't take a genius to work that one out.
For a tenth of a second Castiel did nothing but scrutinize them, his mind locked on Sam's expression and complete lack of resistance to any of this.
Then he caught himself and charged after Dean, not sparing Bobby a second glance.
He even used the stairs instead of his wings for a change. His actions resembling a pissed of human's rather than the indifferent angel he was supposed to be.
"Dean stop!" He called out, glaring as Dean threw open the panic room's door. The older hunter ignored him stepping into the iron cell and 'forcing' Sam to lay on the cot which remained in the middle from the last time they were in there. He was already gathering the ropes by the time Castiel managed to reach his side, his trench coat, flapping at his side from the speed in which he moved.
"Stop?" Dean asked in bewilderment. His nose creasing upwards. " He's full of demon juice! We need to get this out of his system."
He pushed Sam's left wrist to the end of the frame and started wrapping the rope repetitively around it, he shook his head, as if he couldn't believe what the angel had just said to him.
"Last time you did this he almost died." Castiel growled, his eyes trailing to Sam's face, who was refusing to look at either of them.
It was like he was completely shutting down.
"But he didn't." Dean threw back, tying a knot in his work and heading around to the other side of the cot. Deep down he knew this probably wasn't the best way of dealing with the situation but he didn't know a better way. Castiel hadn't seen Sam being literally thrown around the place the last time they tried to forcefully detox him, his body desperate for blood. Hadn't seen the bruises that he was left with, the cracks in his ribs. He didn't understand it but this was the safest thing for him. The best way to protect him. He had to be tied down here, or God only knew what would become of him. He couldn't control himself in this state.
The hunter didn't explain any of that to the angel though, didn't feel he needed to. It wasn't Castiel's place to interfere with the way they did things. He just had to accept that as his brother, he knew what was best for him.
That as the person who raised him, he got to decide what happened to him without question.
"Only because he got out and God saved your asses, you won't be that lucky again." The angel sniped, his face was cold and hard, trying not to give anything away despite the way his insides were twisting.
He was never supposed to take a side against Dean, even when he was following orders, they all revolved around him, not his brother and he had never found a need to doubt his decisions where Sam was concerned before. Looking at the younger winchester withering on the bed now though, he couldn't help but do just that.
This wasn't right.
"Look I don't like this any more than you, but we don't have a choice."
As Dean gathered the rope and prepared to move Sam's arm, Castiel watched with a frown as Sam moved his limb to where Dean needed it to be of his own accord. His cheeks were twitching, his hands clenched into fists showing the first rounds of pain had already started to intensify, yet still he did anything his brother needed him to. Even if it meant keeping what he really needed to himself.
Castiel's chest clenched painfully as he watched Sam's eyes become completely unfocused. He just looked so lost, dejected and resigned to his fate no matter what it may be. Beyond all of that though he looked guilty and just so disappointed with angel wanted nothing more than to tell him how wrong he was, how he didn't need to feel any of these things, how mind-blowing his actions actually were.
Exception to the rules indeed.
Now was not the time for that though and he doubted Sam would hear him even if he tried.
"This could kill him!" He continued aggravatedly, forcing his attention away from the boy and onto his brother. Dean flinched slightly, but continued what he was doing regardless. It was almost like he was pretending he hadn't heard him, until he all but whispered the next words from his mouth that is.
"At least he will die human."
Dean closed his eyes as he said it, there was no malice intended there, just a simple statement. Because in the end, thats all that mattered, all that they had been trying to do all these years.
Castiel could never comprehend the importance of that.
"DEAN!" Castiel shouted in a rage, shaking his head in horror and trying to reach over to untie the knots at that very second - only to be shoved aggressively away by the hunter.
He would never understand.
"Layoff! He's my brother, you do not get a say in this." Dean hissed and the angel drew back in disbelief at the tone.
Dean worked in silence after that, tying the last knot then moving Sam's arm up and down to test how secure his restraints were. Once he was satisfied that there was no way he could break free of them. He stood up straighter, sighing as he glanced back to the angel guiltily.
It wasn't his fault he had no idea what it truly meant to be a partnership like they were. Even Sam knew this was for the best and if he could, Dean was sure he would have communicated that to that angel to.
"Look." He said with a sigh. "I thought you said the archangels would never let our deaths be permanent anyway." He spoke with less bite this time, keeping his hand over the knots and giving his brother's wrist a gentle squeeze.
Sam showed no sign of being able to comprehend it.
"They won't."
"Then what's the problem?"
"He will be in agony. They may bring him back but if he dies in this state, with that much demon blood in him, he'll be heading in one direction and it's not upwards." Castiel snapped, his eyes flaring as he tried to make the hunter understand just what he was signing Sam up for. He wished he could have found a better way of saying that however as he watched Sam flinch. It saddened him to realise that he seemed completely unsurprised by the statement though. As if he never thought he had a place in heaven anyway. "You really want to put him through that? Put him through hell? Years passed down there before we could get to you! Who knows how long it will take for them to even find Sam." Castiel continued.
As if to prove what he was first saying, Sam's fists clenched tight at his sides, his head snapping to the left like he was a rag doll. He made no noise but Castiel could easily recognise by now when he was fighting back a scream.
He realised with great sorrow, that he was trying to make this whole thing easier for them.
Dean swallowed hard and looked away.
"He will be fine." He assured, but his voice betrayed what he really felt.
Patting Sam's arm, Dean took a step back and reached forward, grabbing at the collar of Castiel's trench coat.
Pulling him hard, he forced them both towards the door and slammed it closed behind them. His eyes squeezed shut as he used all of his strength to pull the rusting latch across.
He hated this.
Castiel narrowed his eyes, unsure why he had even allowed himself to be moved.
This really wasn't right.
As Dean headed to the stairs, Sam scream finally erupted and he paused in his movements, recoiling as his face contorted for just a second. Castiel turned to face the door, just about hearing Dean apologising under his breath before the man continued up the stairs.
"Where are you going?" The angel demanded, not even bothering to look back at him. His attention was entirely focused on trying to see through the door, despite knowing how impossible that actually was, even for him.
"To get one very large drink."
Castiel felt his temper reach boiling point. He knew Dean was probably finding the whole situation difficult, he knew he didn't want to see his brother in pain, but that didn't excuse his actions. As far as the angel was concerned it didn't matter how hard it was, he didn't get to put Sam through this and just walk away until it was over with.
Not again.
If he was doing this then he was damn well going to face up to it.
With determination Castiel headed to follow him, hell bent on dragging him back down the stairs to sit with Sam, kicking and screaming if he had to.
But Sam cried out again and Castiel stopped his movement.
Without thinking, he spun on his heels and practically tore the door of its hinges, if Dean couldn't stomach this, if he wanted to just block it out and leave Sam to suffer alone, then he lost the privilege of being the one to decide how this detox went down.
His hands were on the knots in seconds.
He had made a promise.
"Cas... what?" Sam muttered out, he still was purposely not looking at him, but he was lucid enough to realise exactly what the angel was doing. Castiel thanked the heavens for that at least.
"I'm not leaving you like this Sam." he stated simply pulling the rope lose, frowning when he noticed the imprints in the making on his skin. Sam must have been yanking his hands like crazy from the second they left to leave such indents so swiftly.
"I deserve it..." He mumbled, throwing his head to the side and trying to bite back the scream that erupted at the back of his throat. Everything ached, worse than anything he had ever felt before. Castiel reached out to touch his head to comfort him, but Sam shied away. "Don't touch me... My soul... no... I'm so disgusting... it's so... disg...please just leave me alone."
He tried to fight against it, hold back the whimpers, but pain shot through his body, so hot he thought he was being burnt alive. He fitted, his body raising off the bed, his limbs rigid, his free arm being thrown out and coming down on the metal bar, hard.
Castiel drew his lips together and attempted to not let a single emotion pass his face.
Sam had enough guilt without thinking he was effecting him in some way too.
"You are not disgusting Sam." He tried to reassure once the pain had settled down for a moment and Sam stilled, exhausted and almost falling completely out of it.
He didn't look like he believed him and Castiel almost wished he could pretend that was because he hadn't heard him.
"Dark... horrible... tainted." He replied, his eyes falling shut. Sweat was pouring down his face now and he bit down hard on his lip, trying to stop himself admitting another sound. He stopped short of splitting the skin again, he couldn't deal with that taste on top of everything else.
Castiel made his way over to the other side of the table and with a flick of his hand, the rope dropped to the floor, the human way of doing things just was not quick enough for his liking. He reached his arms around Sam's shoulders and helped him move into a sitting position.
"Sam look at me - you are not any of those things." Castiel said softly.
Sam refused his request, his eyes locked on the wall in front of him- If he didn't look, he couldn't see the disappointment, the hatred or anything else that may pass across the angel's face.
If he never looked at him again, he could keep his memory of him of when he looked at him with kindness, not with detestation, revolution or whatever else may lay upon it.
Castiel sighed and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into him as he sat down beside him.
If he wouldn't accept the words, he would make him understand with actions.
He held him like that for a moment until Sam began to fight. Begging him not to do this to him, to not pretend for his sake, when he knew the truth.
Castiel shook his head, he'd had enough of this.
Throwing his wings out behind him, he pulled Sam to his feet and all but forced him out of the room, one of Sam's arms draped around his shoulders. Sam tried struggling, tried to dig his heels into the ground, but he was in no position to fight. The second they were clear of the sigils, Castiel span them around to face each other. Placing a hand on Sam's chest as he swayed forward, his limbs unable to support himself.
"Sam look at me." He tried again, Sam simply closed his eyes, pressing the lids as tightly closed as he could get them.
He didn't have the energy left to even speak.
Castiel, exhaled hard in frustration and summoned his grace.
Within seconds he took off, carrying the younger Winchester as far away from that room as he could possibly get them.
They were going to get this blood out of his system and then they were going to have one seriously long overdue talk.