Author's Note: Thanks for the reviews... and encouragement to update. After this chapter, there will be one more chapter for this episode... then more fast forwarding gets to happen. If you read, please let me know what you think :)
INT. CHURCH BACK ROOM - DAY
Joe and Mel step apart in time to see Lennox stumble into
the room after Ryder. She grabs his arm and pulls at it.
LENNOX
You idiot. Get out of here.
RYDER
No. Get off me.
She tries to pull him out of the open doors. He resists.
JOE
Ryder, what's wrong?
RYDER
I need to talk to Aunt Mel-
LENNOX
No, you don't. At least, not right
this second. So let's go.
Lennox gives Joe an apologetic look and tugs on Ryder.
MEL
Hang on. What's going on?
Lennox releases Ryder. He goes to Mel.
RYDER
This is all my fault.
MEL
What are you talking about?
RYDER
I told Austin.
JOE
You told Austin what?
MEL
(to Joe)
Hey, can you please just let me
handle this?
Joe shrugs and nods for her to... handle it.
MEL
(to Ryder)
You told Austin what?
Joe rolls his eyes. Ryder looks to Lennox.
LENNOX
Don't look at me. This is all you.
Go ahead. Tell her.
Ryder sighs and puts his hands on his head for a second then
drops them to his sides. He looks Mel in the eye.
RYDER
I told Austin what happened in
Jersey.
JOE
What do you mean you-
A glare from Mel stops him.
MEL
What do you mean you told Austin
what happened in Jersey? What
happened in Jersey?
RYDER
You know... you and Joe...
MEL
(playing dumb)
Me and Joe... ?
Joe and Lennox trade a look.
RYDER
I'm so confused. Did you forget
about sleeping with Joe or-
MEL
What? I never... what?
RYDER
You didn't?
LENNOX
Yes, she did. Stop being so
gullible. He knows, Aunt Mel.
MEL
Why does he know?
(she looks to Joe)
Why does he know?
Joe holds his hands up defensively.
LENNOX
Because, back when we were all in
New Jersey and I thought you two
were actually going to end up
together, I told him.
RYDER
And then, this morning, when I was
getting ready with the guys, I told
Austin.
JOE
Why the hell would you-
Joe stops himself this time. Mel looks at him like "thank
you" then proceeds:
MEL
Why the hell would you tell Austin
about... that... unfortunate event?
JOE
Unfortunate? Ouch, Burke.
MEL
Hope you don't mind, Longo, but
we're not going to be focusing on
your feelings right now, 'kay?
JOE
Fine. Fair enough. In fact, let's
all focus on Ryder.
Everyone looks at Ryder.
RYDER
Okay, technically, since Lennox
told me, I think we should all
focus on her instead.
MEL
You have a point.
She looks to Lennox.
LENNOX
Well, technically, if you hadn't
had sexual relations with our nanny
then I wouldn't have had anything
to tell in the first place.
MEL
Okay, and we're back to Ryder.
She turns her attention back to Ryder, but then glances back
at Lennox.
MEL
Also, I never want to hear the
phrase "sexual relations" come out
of your mouth again. Understand?
Lennox pushes her lips together and nods.
MEL
(to Ryder)
Now, you. Why'd you tell Austin?
RYDER
He... he tricked me. He said Joe
told him at the bachelor party. He
acted like he was cool with it.
JOE
Wow, that guy really is an ass. My
words this time.
MEL
Hang on. He said Joe told him?
She looks to Joe.
JOE
No. Noooo... Joe most certainly did
not tell him. In fact, Joe was
smart enough not to fall for that
exact same trick.
He glances at Ryder who grumbles and shakes his head.
MEL
Wait, you're saying he already
suspected... ?
JOE
It was pretty much the same thing
he did to Ryder. He told me that
you already told him everything
and, still, I, Joe, specifically
told him quote, "nothing meaningful
happened in Jersey."
LENNOX
So... you lied.
Joe and Mel glare at her. She puts her hands up defensively.
Mel turns her attention back to Joe.
MEL
And why were you even talking about
Jersey last night? Did all those
strippers remind you of home?
RYDER
Strippers? There were strippers at
the bachelor party?
LENNOX
Yeah. Lots of them. The party was
at a strip club. Ew.
RYDER
I think you mean "awesome."
MEL
(pointing at Lennox)
Hey, you, stop telling him things.
And why do you even know that?
LENNOX
Joe told me!
MEL
(to Joe)
Why, why, why? Why are you always
telling people things?
JOE
You're the one who brought up the
strippers! And I didn't tell Austin
anything about Jersey, I swear.
MEL
This doesn't make any sense. Why
would Austin even care what I was
doing before he came back into my
life?
Joe glances toward Lennox whose eyes widen. She stays silent
when Joe shakes his head and turns his attention back to Mel
who is too far down the road of her rant to notice.
MEL
And why would he even think... how
could he even possibly figure
out... How'd he know?
JOE
I don't know, but the way he was
sniffing around last night, he was
definitely already on the case,
Burke. I thought my brilliantly
evasive answers put the idea out of
his head, but... obviously not.
He nods over to Ryder.
JOE
I can't believe he took advantage
of the kid like that.
RYDER
Maybe you should talk to him, Aunt
Mel. Tell him that what happened in
Jersey meant nothing to you.
MEL
No.
They all look at her.
MEL
If he's willing to walk away over
something that happened a good,
what? Twenty-two hours before he
came back into my life then-
JOE
Pro'ly more like twenty. Because,
remember, we kind of passed out for
awhile then...
MEL
Oh, yeah...
Mel and Joe share a brief nostalgic smile then turn away
from each other. Lennox and Ryder trade a look of disgust.
MEL
Regardless. It was four months ago.
LENNOX
Four months ago?
RYDER
Four months? Yeah, that's right.
(counting off on his fingers)
April, May, June, July.
LENNOX
But that's not-
JOE
What's important right now. Lennox,
you're absolutely right.
Lennox slides up to Joe and speaks out of the corner of her
mouth.
LENNOX
(whispered to Joe)
You know that's not how that math
works, right?
JOE
(whispered to Lennox)
Yeah. And I'm half of the fifty
percent of the people in the room
who actually understand that.
LENNOX
(whispered to Joe)
Meaning I'm the other twenty-five
percent?
JOE
(whispered to Lennox)
Finally, someone in this family who
comprehends basic mathematics.
Lennox rolls her eyes and takes a step back away from Joe.
MEL
I just don't get it. Whether it was
twenty hours... or twenty minutes-
JOE
Trust me, with my attention to
detail, it never would've been
twenty minutes-
MEL
(ignoring Joe)
It was still before he came back.
And he didn't even talk to me about
it. Why didn't he just ask me
directly? I mean, who does he think
he is? Columbo?
RYDER
Who's Columbo?
JOE
Think Sherlock Holmes.
RYDER
Oh. Like Jonny Lee Miller... or
Benedict Cumberbatch?
Joe shakes his head, deadpan.
JOE
Before that.
RYDER
Oh, I gotcha. Robert Downy, Jr.
A beat as Joe's chin drops to his chest in annoyance.
RYDER
Anyway, I'm really sorry, Aunt Mel.
JOE
Austin lied to you, buddy. You're
not at fault; Austin is. Right, Mel?
Mel nods.
MEL
Absolutely.
JOE
And you're obviously more of a man
than he is. You're here today.
Mel glances at Joe then back to Ryder.
MEL
And, anyway, as it turns out, you
actually did me a favor.
RYDER
How? By single-handedly ruining
your wedding... not to mention the
life of my... future cousin?
Ryder gestures to her stomach before he begins pacing so
that his back is to the double doors. Behind Ryder, Reverend
Bobby opens the doors leading into the church. Behind him,
all the wedding guests sit and watch. They can see and hear.
RYDER
All because I opened my big mouth
about you sleeping with Joe?
A collective gasp grabs Ryder's attention. He turns his head
to see the whole audience looking in. Mel hangs her head.
MEL
(to herself)
Oh, God. This isn't happening.
REVEREND BOBBY
So sorry to interrupt. We were all
wondering what the delay was, but I
guess now that mystery's solved...
LENNOX
(addressing the group)
It was me. I'm the one Ryder was
talking about. I...
(she almost gags on the words)
I slept with Joe.
She loops her arms through his.
JOE
(out the side of his mouth)
You know that isn't actually
better, right?
Joe takes a big step, distancing himself from Lennox. He
shakes his head, trying to look innocent.
RYDER
(to Lennox)
That isn't true, is it?
Lennox looks at him like he's an idiot.
RYDER
(to Joe)
That better not be true.
Mel walks around to the other side of Joe so that he's
between she and Lennox.
MEL
(more to the crowd)
Of course it isn't true! I would
never... let... my... nanny...
sleep with... my niece.
JOE
Nor would he-I... I would never,
ever do that. For the record.
Lennox moves closer to Joe who steps toward Mel.
LENNOX
Guys, relax, it's fine. Joe and I
aren't related... and I'm eighteen
now. Totally legal. For the record.
MEL
Okay. Enough. Let "the record" show
that this is simply Lennox's
misguided, yet very sweet-I love
you, honey-attempt to cover... for me.
Lennox gets even closer so Joe moves toward Mel again.
LENNOX
Or is it Aunt Mel who's covering
for me? Hmm?
She plays up her question for the audience. Many people look
around and nod along, buying Lennox's story.
MEL
No. No. It was me.
She loops her arm through Joe's and pulls him toward her.
JOE
(aside to Mel)
You sure it was you... and
not Tiffany?
Mel pretends not to hear him. Lennox grabs Joe on the
other side and tries to pull him toward her. Joe resists
LENNOX
Nope. Huh uh. Joe's my lover.
Joe's face sours. Lennox tries to lay her head on his
shoulder, but Joe shrugs her off and pushes her away.
LENNOX
Aunt Mel is the innocent victim
here. Austin, on the other hand, is
a complete and total jerk. He left
her at the altar.
MEL
Okay, that last part is basically
true, but... I'm the one who slept
with Joe. All me.
JOE
Yeah, she did. And she loved it, by
the way.
Mel looks at him with jaw dropped, her arm still looped in
his. He smiles.
JOE
And so did I, of course.
Mel's brow crinkles.
JOE
(softer)
You know, for the record?
They continue to look at each other.
LENNOX
Pfft. You guys are terrible liars.
RYDER
No, they just aren't as good as
you. Because even I don't really
get what's going on right now.
LENNOX
Because you're an idiot.
JOE
Hey. Be nice to your brother.
Mel pulls her arm from Joe's so she can gesture to him.
MEL
See, would a nanny talk to his
young "lover" like that?
Lennox folds her arms.
LENNOX
Fine. If you want these people to
believe you're the one who slept
with Joe... I guess you'll just
have to prove it.
MEL
Okay, fine.
JOE
No, no, no. You don't have anything
to prove here, Mel.
Mel takes "center stage" and addresses the audience.
MEL
If I had never slept with Joe...
would I do this?
She goes over to Joe and catches him by complete surprise as
she grabs his lapels and plants a kiss on his lips. He
starts to lean into it, but before he can make any progress,
Mel pulls away and turns back to the crowd.
MEL
And that's why the wedding is
canceled. So... thanks for coming,
but you can all go home now.
Joe stares at her.
RYDER
I thought the wedding was cancelled
because Austin didn't show up.
MEL
Well, yeah, that's the main reason...
All the people waiting in the church stare at Mel with jaws
dropped and various degrees of surprise on their faces. Mel
smiles awkwardly, her face flushed. Joe stands in shocked
silence.
LENNOX
(addressing the crowd)
I once heard a nun arguing with
Swiss cheese over who was holier.
Reverend Bobby laughs. Mel offers a fake chuckle. Ryder and
Joe look at each other. What a friggin' train wreck.
DISSOLVE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK