July 1922

I rolled over out of the shade and into the sun. I could feel the warmth on my face, and I opened my eyes just enough to catch the shimmer I knew was reflecting off my skin.

"Esme?" I heard Carlisle reproach but I wasn't listening. This was our day and I had had enough of his book reading and my sketching. If he wanted me out of the sun that I loved, he needed to take action, for words would not get the job done.

"Esme," he said again, and again I ignored him. "Why are you ignoring me?"

"Because I know what you are going to say." I finally groaned as I extended my arms up over my head to stretch. "You are going to say, 'Get out of the sun. Someone might see you,' but I say no one is out here."

"Is there a reason why you are being difficult?"

I heard the page turn between his fingers. Even as we spoke he still was reading. I opened my eyes and held up the hand with my ring to watch it sparkle.

"We need to order a bed," I said lazily.

I heard the book close and being set it aside.

"Esme, darling, come out of the sun please," he said quietly.

I had his attention now.

I rolled over onto my stomach so I could face him where he sat, his back against the tree trunk. He looked worried, nervous even. I crawled toward him until I was under the shade of the branches again.

I spoke as I moved, "I've ordered so much furniture for the house in Virginia, but I wanted to talk to you before I ordered bedroom furniture."

"Esme –"

I pressed on. "You see, I don't know if there is a look you prefer –"

"Esme –"

"Or a certain type of wood or metal –"

"Esme."

"What is it?" I asked as I barely held back a smirk.

"We don't have to rush into that if you're not ready," he said gently.

There was no sound as I sat back on my legs. My high spirits had come back to earth.

"Do you not desire me?" I asked quietly.

He sighed as he said, "Esme, of course I desire you. I think you are the most beautiful woman to ever walk this earth."

"Then why would you say that?" My voice had risen and I tried to keep it under control as I rationalized. "I've agreed to marry you."

"I know you have been through so much and I didn't want to force you into an uncomfortable situation."

In an instant, I was next to him sitting up on my knees. Unblinking, I stared at him. He had never given me a reason not to trust him. There was always sincerity in his eyes, just as it was there now with warmth and compassion. I had not known lust or desire in my last life. I had not felt those things with Charles. I had to believe the feelings I had deep within me as I looked at Carlisle – and when he looked at me and when he touched me, and this need to be close to him. I had to believe these feelings wanted fulfillment. This was desire.

I leaned toward him, placing my hands against the tree trunk on either side his head.

"Esme, what are you –"

I cut him off with a shush as I positioned my face directly in front of his, eye to eye, just inches away. There was nothing to fear here. Not now.

I leaned in to press my lips to his. He didn't protest as they melted against his mouth.

I pressed a little harder, moving my lips against his and while he still did not move away, neither did he touch me.

I never broke contact with his mouth as I trailed my hands down the tree and onto his shoulders. His lips were finally becoming more eager, moving with mine.

His body awakened and his hands landed on my hips, but it was gentle and I could feel his hesitation.

I leaned toward him more, pressing my chest forward so it was just touching his and moved my lips just enough to dart my tongue over his lower lip.

I felt him tense up and I pulled back a few inches to look at his face, to see those eyes I adored. I don't know what I expected to see, but I found confusion there mixed with the craving I had seen brimming on rare occasions before. I didn't want him to be confused and went to kiss him again, but one of his hands swiftly abandoned my hip to cup my cheek and made me pause.

"Esme," he breathed.

"What?" I said in his same tone.

"I…" He was at a loss for words. I searched his eyes but I couldn't figure it out.

"What is it, Carlisle?" I was trying not to be impatient.

"I don't want to be improper with you," he admitted, but I disagreed with him.

"What is improper about this?"

He was looking for his words again, but there was no need to speak. I leaned in and kissed him again, and this time his arms went around me. I pressed my chest against his and lifted my leg over him to straddle his waist. I needed to be closer and he didn't stop me.

I threaded my fingers through the back of his hair as his arms slid up my back, his hands pulling me to him. When my tongue touched his lips this time, he did not retreat but instead it was met by his. The taste of him only made me crave him more. I kissed down his jaw to his neck as I heard him whisper my name. As I reached for his tie, his hand caught mine, making me pause again. He took it and lightly laced his fingers through mine and brought the back of it to his lips.

I refocused on his eyes again, where lust now overpowered his previous confusion, but there was still dithering.

"Esme, I love you, darling, but not here and not now." His voice was strained but determined.

I felt silly. I was straddling him! I would have turned bright red if I could. I looked down and away as I removed my hand from the back of his head and rested it on his shoulder. There was no ladylike way to get out of this very unladylike position, but Carlisle knew. He lifted me gently from him and placed me down next to him, wrapping an arm around me, trying to appease me with a kiss on my forehead.

"Yes, if you want me, then we need to purchase a bed, and that is where I want to make love to you when you are my wife."

"Is it the bed or the wife part that gives you pause now?" I said as I rubbed my nose against his jaw.

He smiled and took my chin between his fingers to look at me and teased, "Both, you little vixen."

I looked down again, feeling once again mortified. I was becoming torn. I was embarrassed by my behavior, but when it set upon me, I was loath to stop it. I loved him. I wanted him. My past intimacies had been with one man and had been almost exclusively torturous. At times I feared the thought of being intimate again. It paralyzed me. But then there were moments like this when my desire took over and I let my curiosity overtake my fears.

I felt that part of my new nature included curiosity. There was a need to discover and seek out the unknown. Our immortality could easily make us reckless, but the fear of being discovered reigned us in to some degree. Morality was dictated by my own beliefs, and my belief in Carlisle. Did a bed or a title matter when in the moment I was ready and I was comfortable, which as he said over and over was his concern?

"Carlisle?" I asked.

"Yes, love."

"You know about my past relationships; that I was only ever really attached to Charles. There were boys in schools that I kissed and a few men that courted me with no success prior to him, but truly my only relationship was that with the man who claimed me as his wife."

"Where are you going with this, Esme?" he asked cautiously.

"You have been on this earth for more than two-hundred and seventy years, and we have discussed your schooling, your work, and places you have lived, but you have rarely spoken of relationships with other people, and certainly never with other women. So now, my husband to be, I must ask you to tell me about your past loves."

"You want to know about my relationships with women."

His tone was incredulous, but I spurred him on.

"Yes. You know mine and it's about time I know yours."

"There's not much to tell."

I laughed as I picked a bit of dirt off the skirt of my dress. "I find that hard to believe, Dr. Cullen."

"Why is that?"

I looked up at his stunning and inquisitive face. I ran my fingers lightly over his lapel.

"Because looking like you look, and as wonderful as you are, I can't imagine that women haven't been lining up for centuries to catch the eye of such an eligible bachelor."

He looked embarrassed, but needlessly attempted to assure me.

"There's only one that matters, and she is right here."

"Was there anyone in your human life?" I pressed on with my questioning.

"You are not going to drop this are you?" he said with a dramatic sigh.

"What was her name?" I pushed on but with a lighter tone.

"It was Hannah."

His answer hung in the air for a moment.

"What was she like?"

"Agreeable," he said with his adopted matter of fact tone. "My father wanted me to marry and produce an heir of course. After all, I was his only child and lucky for him I was a boy to carry to on the family name. He scrutinized the families of his ministry looking for the 'right' woman for me. She was from a good family with decent land and a respectable name. She was pretty and had a kind and gentle disposition about her. The brief times I spent with her at our fathers' encouragements were charming. It was well known at the time of my disappearance that my father and hers were close to an agreement that would have resulted in an engagement."

I processed this and had to stop myself from wanting him to jump ahead to other exploits.

"What happened to her?"

"I don't know. I'm sure she was married off to someone else. She was a good catch. I'm sure she would have been an agreeable wife."

I had to ask the question on the tip of my tongue from the moment he said Hannah.

"Did you love her?"

"I barely knew her enough yet to decide if I loved her. With time, I may have grown to feel that, but time was something that was robbed of us."

"She was the only one during your human life?"

"Yes."

"And in this life?"

"I didn't know what love was until you," he said as he kissed my cheek.

"Carlisle," I said with love, but also letting him know that he wasn't getting away with just a kiss.

"Why does this matter to you?" he asked as he sat up a little more, leaving me to tilt my head back further to look up at him.

"Because I want to know anything that helps me understand you better and your resistance tells me there was someone."

He sighed heavily. "During my time Italy."

I sat up further to see him better. He could hide his facial expressions if he wanted to, but with me he didn't.

"With the Volturi? The ones who are gifted? She was gifted?" I realized, with a bounce of excitement, but stopped because I was jumping ahead of him. He was amused by me and seemed to relax a little.

"She still is, I'm sure. I'm sure Aro hasn't let her gift go."

I spoke with more composure. "Who is she? What can she do?"

He stroked his hand over my hair and calmly continued.

"Her name is Renata and her gift I spoke of to you before. She is the shield."

"She deflects people away who try to attack her?" I remembered.

"Yes, that's right. She is also the personal guard of Aro."

"Your friend, Aro?"

"Yes."

"Did that make things complicated?"

"She was never far from Aro's side when I first came to Volterra. It was her job to be near him, but also a shadow. Be there, but not draw attention to herself. As Aro and I spent many hours tête-à-tête, I couldn't help but notice her. Aro noticed my attention to her and encouraged me to spend some time with her. She was quiet, intense, but also a gentle soul. She took great pride in her role in the Guard."

I envisioned the glorious and proud vampire.

"I'm sure she was beautiful."

"She was attractive and I was attracted to her."

"And she was attracted to you?"

"Yes."

"So what happened?"

"My choice, my belief that we can survive without taking human life is amusing to the Volturi, and most vampires for that matter. They don't understand why I, and others like me, don't take the easy road. They see vampires as higher beings – an evolutionary step above humans. Why should we not do what is in our nature? I'm a novelty to them and one that they tried to tempt on numerous occasions."

"She was part of that temptation?" I pressed my lips together.

"No, but she couldn't understand it either, and she wasn't willing to even contemplate trying our way."

"But I don't understand why they don't see what they are doing is wrong!"

The disregard for human life confounded me. If they were enlightened and knew they could survive on animal blood, how could they not even make an effort to try it?

"The Volturi are not bad or evil and I don't want you to think that of them or any of our kind because they drink human blood. Many don't know they have a choice and those that do often don't have the strength or the will to change their ways. You and Edward have been conditioned since the moment you woke to this life to resist that temptation and taught there was another way. I know how easy it would have been for you to say that you wanted no part of my way, for you to give into what you desire more than anything in this world. It will always be a struggle, one that most of our kind just refuse to think about fighting. But I hope, in my own way, that you and Edward will continue to want to live this way."

"Of course we will. I took one life and I still feel the pain and the guilt from it. How could I take one life after another as if humans were cattle?"

"Very easily if you believe as they believe. We have different views – different philosophies than they do. We agree to disagree."

"And Renata?"

"Her priority will always be Aro. She is loyal to her work above all else. I wanted a relationship with her, but it felt like a relationship with her and her job. She had no balance. When she was with me her thoughts were with him. She could never be too far away from him. She would get nervous and worry. Her focus was on him. Her vocation was his protection. Sometimes I felt like she saw my different lifestyle as a threat. She would try to convince me to try human blood, just once."

"What did you see in her?" I asked with a restrained growl.

"She was looking for a connection. She wanted a relationship. She wanted a mate. I wanted those things too." I heard sadness in his voice. "She was not like others in the Volturi guard. Most exude confidence and pride. They live only to serve and believe only in the Volturi laws. Yes, some are mated but they would forget all of that to fight to protect their leaders. They are warriors. Renata lacked fight. Her gift was to avoid fights. Deter attacks. Her personality was fitting for it. She saw the potential for conflict in my difference. I never did. We shared a love for peace, but she could never find peace with my difference and I wouldn't change. It wasn't meant to be."

"So you left?"

"Eventually. I believe we parted as friends and I wish her nothing but happiness."

"Do you know if she has found someone?"

"I don't. I haven't been back to Volterra. I have had a few correspondences with Aro but he has never mentioned her."

"Do you think about her?"

"Not recently," he said plainly.

"Have there been others?"

"One other that was really nothing."

"But enough to mention?"

He chuckled. "Well at some point I'm sure you will meet her so I better give you her story now."

He was friendly with a former potential mate, who he thought I would meet in the future. I already didn't like her.

"Oh really?" I knew sounded testy and he failed at hiding his amusement at my reaction.

"Yes, really. I have friends in the Alaska Territory. They were friends I met separately but found each other on their own."

I was surprised and calmed by my wonder. "You don't speak of friends."

"I have many I would consider friends that I have met, but these friends are different because they share our desire to not harm humans and came into that belief on their own."

I was amazed by this revelation. Edward spoke repeatedly of how hard it must have been for Carlisle early on. It had taken Carlisle near madness to take down an animal to survive. It was becoming clearer all the time that most vampires just went after their natural prey and never second guessed that decision. It seemed difficult to believe that those that were unaware of the ability to survive on animal blood would be willing to go to it naturally.

"So it is possible to realize that without being you or having your influence?"

"Eleazar would tell you that I did influence him, but I think it was something that was already there."

"Eleazar?" This was a new name to me.

"He was a member of the Volturi guard when I met him. He is gifted with the ability to see the gifts of other vampires – a very useful gift for leaders who want to acquire others with gifts and a powerful weapon when facing down an unknown threat. He left the Volturi after he met and fell in love with his mate, Carmen." He smiled as he envisioned something beyond this forest. "As I told you before, even for mated guards the Volturi come first. Eleazar couldn't do it. He loved her more than his work. He wanted to put her first, so he left."

"Is it easy to leave?"

His smile faded.

"The Volturi never want to lose someone who is gifted and they like, but while they can't force them to stay, for most in the Volturi's good graces leaving is not a thought that crosses their mind. I'm sure they weren't happy to see Eleazar leave, but they couldn't stop him.

"They were nomadic for some time. They crossed to North America and eventually came upon the women of Denali."

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I sat up a little straighter.

"Women of Denali?"

"There's a coven in the area of Alaska known as Denali. They can live in relative peace and undetected because of the vastness of the mostly uninhabited territory. They have been there for decades, and I don't believe they plan on leaving any time soon."

"And they are all women?"

"Not anymore now that Eleazar is there."

"But they were when you met them?"

"Three women that consider themselves sisters: Tanya, Katrina and Irina. They were all sired by the same creator, Sacha, who is no longer of this world. They decided more than a century ago to change their ways to feeding on animals instead of humans. Living in that area gives them access to a variety of game. When Eleazar and Carmen came upon the sisters, the two of them were still feeding on humans, but had a desire to change. They all bonded and were welcomed into the fold and became a family of sorts. It's an interesting dynamic but it works for them. They're like a family."

I was baffled by this confession. Carlisle had longed for a connection and here was a 'family' of vampires who shared his beliefs.

"Why are you not a part of that?"

"I couldn't practice medicine in the middle of nowhere in Alaska."

I could hear the wavering in his voice and just looked at him waiting.

"Did you break someone's heart?"

"Not exactly. When I came upon the sisters while hunting in the Yukon Territory I was shocked. They had my eyes. I had never seen another vampire with golden eyes before and here were three. They were just as intrigued by me. They invited me to their home and I spent time learning about them and their past and I reciprocated."

"And you formed an attachment?"

He was nervous. I could feel the tension radiating off of him.

"Carlisle, no secrets. I'm going to be your wife. There's nothing in your past that will change that."

"It's not that, Esme. I just worry about your sensitivities."

"We frequent speakeasies and rip animals apart with our bare hands. I've been a bit desensitized."

"But I don't want you to be too desensitized."

"Carlisle, share with me." I squeezed his hand and he continued with reservation.

"There are legends that speak of succubi, demons in beautiful female form who seduce men and steal from them either their health or their soul, whatever they need to survive. There are vampire women that, in truth,are the equivalent of this legend. They seduce men and then kill them."

"And the sisters did this?"

"For centuries, that is how they lived, but centuries of it grew weary on them. They would form physical and intimate connections and then destroy them. So one day, in a moment of frustration, Tanya attacked a bear. She was thirsty and bit into it. She learned that day that she could survive on animal blood. They were eventually able to wean themselves to our diet, but their proclivity for men did not change."

"They seduced you?" I breathed.

"What? Esme, no." He seemed surprised by my assumption, but how could any woman resist him?

"But they tried to?"

He was silent.

"I'm sure three beautiful vampire women who are masters at the art of seduction who acquired your value for human life would be very tempting to you. I won't hold that against you, Carlisle."

"I liked them all very much. They were charming and had a wealth of knowledge having been changed around the year 1000. We learned much from each other. All three were at times blatant in their overtures, but Irina and I got along exceptionally well, but it wasn't meant to be."

"Why not?"

"Why do any relationships not work out? My heart just wasn't with her."

"So Renata in Volterra and Irina in Denali? Any other past lovers or relationships I need to be aware of?"

"No, but Esme, love, I was never their lover. It never progressed to that point. I was never bound to them."

I sat up in surprise and looked at him.

"Carlisle, have you ever…" I swallowed, now nervous. "Have you ever had relations with a woman?"

"No."

"Why not?" Burst from my mouth before I could stop it.

"Excuse me?"

I thought for a moment before continuing.

"279 years on this earth and you have never been with a woman?"

"I was taught that relations between a man and a woman were sacred. That only a husband and wife should lie together and that they were to procreate."

My hand reflective fell to my flat stomach.

"Procreation."

I hadn't thought about it. There was so much to think about when it came to forever, but children had not been a thought. My love had been so all encompassing and focused on Carlisle and Edward. My thoughts of making love to Carlisle had been formed of this new desire. I felt selfish that I hadn't for a moment considered the family we could create, but suddenly my dreams from my other life made sense – the dreams of fair-haired children with his feature. So much of my dreams seemed like they were actually foreshadows.

"Our children." I was overwhelmed by the realization of the family would create. My womb was still intact. We were the right ages.

Carlisle took my hand and pulled my attention to his pained face, but I tried to console him. This was good news.

"No, it is wonderful, Carlisle! I'm not upset. I want to have our children. I want a family with you."

His finger touched my lips to silence me. He still looked troubled.

"Esme, I love you and will give you anything your heart desires, but the one thing I can't give you is a child."

"But how do you know if you have never tried?" I argued.

"It's not a matter of the act itself. It's a matter of what we are and the biology of it. Our bodies are frozen in time. They will not change. The act of creating and bearing a child involves a great amount of change to a woman's body, but the fact is we can never even get to the stage because impregnating you isn't possible."

"But how do you –"

"Even though I haven't participated in the act, I have been around enough mated vampires, that if it was possible for our kind to reproduce I would have witnessed it."

I heard the desperation in my own voice.

"Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean –"

He cut me off again.

"Esme! Your body will never change. It can never change. It's impossible. In five-hundred years you will look the same as you do now. You are incapable of becoming pregnant and incapable of carrying a child. It's through no fault of your own. It's just what we are."

I felt heavy. The dream I believed could be reality was gone the moment I realized it. My chest ached. Carlisle pulled me tighter against him and placed a comforting kiss on my forehead. His voice ached as he spoke.

"I wish to high heaven that it wasn't this way because the thought of raising a child with you would be culmination of my wildest dreams."

"It was my dream." A dream that would never come true.

"It didn't seem like you had thought about it until now."

I began to explain, "In my other life. I told you I would dream about you. I remember that they were vivid, even though now I have to push through the fog to find them, but they still are there. I never dreamed of children that resembled Charles in any way, but at times they had blond hair or golden eyes or even your smile. At times you were by my side as our daughter graduated or our son married. I know it was so foolish and you probably think I'm insane, but I had no control over what my mind conjured. It was incredible though. It was pure happiness. And a moment ago, and just for a moment, I thought all of my dreams were going to come true."

"Oh Esme, I feel like there is nothing I can say to make this right."

I looked up at him and saw his ache. I tried to comfort him.

"I have to be grateful for the dream that did become reality. I have you and I have Edward and we are a family. It may not have been the visions that danced through my broken brain, but it's more than I ever deserved or could have hoped for."

He clasped my cheeks between his hands and looked into my eye as he desperately made me listen.

"You are not broken and you deserved so much more. You should have been told everyday of your life that you are beautiful and special. You should have loved and been loved in return. You should have had a man who worshiped you and whom you dreamed of every night as he held you in his arms. You should have had a home filled with you children's laughter. You should have had a husband that made you forget about me."

"But I didn't. But the thought of you helped me escape. You've always been my guardian angel and you always will be."

"But I didn't protect you."

I wouldn't let him deny it. He had to understand how much he meant to me. I took his hands from my cheeks and kissed the back of one.

"But in a way you did. I would go to sleep exhausted, degraded, physically and mentally hurt, and my face laying in a puddle of tears, but then you were often there and for a few hours, at least, the vision of you would take me away from all of it. It was a reminder that not all men were like Charles. I could, and probably should, have had nightmares, but instead I had you. If I hadn't had those visions of you what could there have been but nightmares?"

"I wish I had really been there for you."

"You could have never known where I ended up. I never saw that Charles was capable of such violence and disregard for me until he had set upon me and even then, it seemed unbelievable at first. I thought it was a nightmare, but it wasn't."

He gripped my hand tightly, not to cause me pain but to let me know of his love.

"I don't fear you, Carlisle, but there are moments when the idea of the act itself frightens me. There are moments I am ashamed of what I have done and what has been done to me. And there are other moments when I am thrilled by the thought of being one with you."

He nuzzled his nose against my hair and gently said, "There is nothing to be ashamed of. I want you and love you just as you are. I hold nothing from your past against you."

"You are too gracious to me."

He looked at my face now his eyes narrowing as he scrutinized me.

"You are too hard on yourself. You did what you needed to do to survive an impossible situation with a cruel man to which you were unfairly bound."

Visions of my past flashed before my eyes and I gasped to hold back a cry. My voice was shaking more than I would have liked.

"It was depraving."

His hands loosened on me. I knew he was trying to keep from triggering memories, but he was too late. The memories were there and I wouldn't blame his touch for them.

"It was survival and I will do what I can to erase that experience that hurts you so deeply. I want to replace every moment with a moment of love and adoration."

I tried to think positively.

"I know that Helen and Grace were both women that were very happy with their husbands and I know there is happiness and a connection that I haven't experienced with a mate."

"And I haven't either, but while I want to experience it with you, you must know that I will never force myself upon you. We will never do anything that you don't want to do. If you say no or stop, I will always listen. You are too precious to me. You rule over me."

"But I don't want to rule over you. I want us to share our experiences and now knowing that it will be your first time, it needs to be just as special and wonderful for you."

"And it will be. Being with you…I never thought I could be so blessed."

I rested my head against his shoulder and he stroked my hair as the conversation lulled, but I picked it back up barely a minute later.

"While I have you answering all of my questions, I must ask you the one I have been particularly curious about but was afraid I would be presumptuous to ask."

And he knew what it was before I could ask it. "Did I ever think of you?"

"How did you know?"

"I am humbled by how much you speak of your thoughts of me, and I wish to God I had seen what was before me all those years ago. I was such a fool," he said with a shake of his head.

"I was sixteen."

"You were. You were a young lady; little more than a girl. Bright, sweet, ambitious, pretty – you were a rare breed. Most female patients are not as forthcoming as you were, especially for such a young age."

"I was inappropriate," I said teasingly to cover my embarrassment.

"You were very friendly and warm. You were showing your good nature and your heart."

"You made me nervous," I admitted.

"I know," he said seriously, but I could see the lightness in his eyes. "But wouldn't any doctor have made you nervous?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. The bear of a doctor I imagined walking didn't materialize, you did."

"A bear?"

"Nurse Miller was so nervous when Nurse Adams said the other doctor had gone home and you would be seeing me that she dropped her chart. I figured Doctor Cullen was going to be a mean old bear of a doctor that frightened the young nurse. I didn't realize that her heart had just stopped at the thought of you until you walked in."

"I hardly think that is what happened." His modesty was endearing.

"Do you doubt me? You tend to have that affect on women, Carlisle. I'm sure many a nurse has dropped many a chart over the decades at the thought of the unearthly beautiful Doctor Cullen."

"No one will ever look at me ever again with you on my arm."

"That's beside the point."

He brought the conversation back to answering my question.

"A few times, but not in the way you thought of me. There were a few occasions where I had patients that made me wonder about you – a few young ladies who were about the same age as you were when I treated you and a young boy with a similar fracture. I wondered if you had gone back to school and made it to university like you wanted. But you were always just another patient. I never imagined that we would or could be like this. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. As you said, I was just another patient, one of thousands through the years. I'm amazed that you thought of me at all."

"I wish I had thought of you more. I wish I had thought to check in on you."

I shook my head. "But that wasn't a decision you would have made. I understand that. You didn't need me then like I needed you or at least a figment of you."

"I didn't know I needed you, but now I don't know how I existed for so long without you."

I was on his lap in an instant looking into his golden eyes. I touched the side of his fair head, taking a few strands between my fingers.

"I can't wait to officially become Mrs. Carlisle Cullen and we'll fumble through the rest of it together."

"As man and wife," he said as he caressed my check. I loved the feel of his fingers against my skin.

"You know you do have one advantage over me," I said with a smirk as I trailed one finger down his jaw.

"What's that, love?" he asked as he moved his hands down to my arms.

I bit my lip and decided to continue on this wicked train of thought. I leaned in toward his ear and loudly whispered, "You've already seen me naked."

"As your doctor!" he exclaimed with a bit of shock and amusement.

"Shh! I'm teasing you," I said with a grin as I sat back to look at him. "But I do look forward to returning the favor."

He pulled me against him, rocking me gently. "I'm still worried that I'm being improper with you."

"When?" I asked as a nuzzled my nose against his neck.

He laughed as he said, "Moments such as now."

I kissed his throat and felt him tense again and I backed away.

"I'm not a young girl. I'm not innocent. I wish for you that I was, but I'm not. I know by societal standards yes, I should not be in your lap right now, and if you said, 'You Jezebel, get away,' I would. If you want me to not touch you, tell me. Until my wedding night all I knew were quick embraces, chaste kisses and a few that felt improper and wrong that Charles stole. But this doesn't feel wrong to me. Being close to you feels right, but if you want me to act more 'proper' then I'll keep my distance." I started to move off of him, but he pulled me back down.

"I should tell you to keep your distance and I should keep mine, but I'm too selfish to do so. Now that I've had you near me, the idea of telling you to stay away…"

"Then don't. We're alone. We 'behave' when Edward is near, but when we're alone, I don't see any reason why you can't hold me to you or kiss me. You have spoken of my comfort. I'm comfortable, but are you? I feel you tense."

"I tense because it's all new – the sensations and the emotions and again I worried about being inappropriate."

"So are you worried about me or you?"

"Both."

"I'm fine, but are you?"

"I want to wait."

"I know and we will. I promise to not try to remove any piece of clothing from you until we are married."

"Esme," he groaned.

"I love you, Carlisle."

"And I love you."

"So hold me and kiss me and don't feel guilty. Enjoy the new sensations. I do. I'm not denying myself anything with you. It's," I thought for a second. "It's instinctual."

I could feel any tension leaving his body.

"Like a vampire."

I rubbed my nose against his and assured him, "Like a vampire."

He seized my lips and I melted against him. In that moment past relationships didn't matter. The moment was ours. The future was ours. We may struggle and we will thrive but just as we were in that moment, we would do it together.

When we returned to the house that evening we set about picking out a bed.

Author's Notes

This is one of my favorite chapters that I've written so I hope you enjoyed it.

Renata and Irina. One of my betas went "WOW" for both. I went back and forth for a while as to who could have been possible love interests for Carlisle.

The Volturi – I thought about going with a guard member that we don't know of from The Twilight Saga, i.e. creating an original character, but that wouldn't be as much fun as a character that we know a little about. My possible choices of guard members were Heidi, Chelsea, Renata and Corin. Although I see a lot of fanfiction and role players have Corin as a female, the Twilight wiki notes that we don't know Corin's gender but suggests that it may be male. No matter how beautiful she is Heidi's role as a fisher for humans would make her incompatible with Carlisle no matter how accepting he is. Although we know that Chelsea is mated to Afton, we don't know when that occurred. But since Chelsea is able to manipulate feelings, for all we know Afton may be under her power. I didn't like the idea of that playing into a relationship with Carlisle. So that left us with Renata. In Breaking Dawn, Bella indicates that Renata seems anxious or nervous. I hope you saw the connection between her behavior and how Carlisle describes her.

The Denali's – The idea of Tanya and Carlisle intrigued me but since it is repeatedly noted throughout the Twilight Saga that she had a thing for Edward, I felt like it would have been noted if she also had gone after Carlisle. If there had been an attachment with Kate, even I would have had trouble indentifying why they wouldn't have stayed together. Irina is a bit of an unknown except for being known for bad choices. Although Carlisle didn't say much to Esme now, there's more to learn about that relationship in the future because as Carlisle pointed out, Esme and Irina will meet.

I'm writing on the side right now a piece called "Why Esme?" explaining my thoughts behind the character and why I am so intrigued by her. It will be posted in my profile info when I'm done.

Thank you to MelissaMargaret, Sweetishbubble and Batgirl8968!