She squeezed his hand for the fourth time in an hour. Hand holding was, officially, their thing. They were at the funeral home, but she couldn't bring herself to walk in the doors. It was the final straw - going in meant she finally had to accept he was gone. And, she wasn't ready for that. She still wanted to be Daddy's little girl. It would be so much easier if going in meant this would all be over. But, it wasn't. It would never be fully over either, just somewhat easier. The pain would honestly never go away, just reduce. She knew all of this, but she didn't want to admit it.
Austin patiently waited on her. She wanted to slap him, because he was being so nice to her. She didn't deserve any of this, really. She'd been difficult the past three weeks. And he was there for her, every step of the way. She leaned into his shoulder, a smile on her face. He looked at her, puzzled.
"I'm ready," she said. Two words - a lot of meaning. She was ready. Ready to let go, ready to breathe again, ready to start this new chapter of her life. And firstly, she was ready to go inside. He nodded, and they walked though the doors. Together.
Upon entering, they found Trish, Dez, his parents, and several scattered relatives. After quickly saying hello to everyone, she took a seat on a pew in the back. Trish and Dez followed.
"How ya holding up, kiddo?" Dez asked, taking a seat beside Trish.
"I'm fine," she said, with a slight smile.
Trish raised an eyebrow, and Dez looked confused.
"No, really you guys. I'm fine," she said, patting Trish's thigh for proof. "I'm ready."
They both gave soft smiles. Austin came and took his seat beside Ally.
"You know, it really is a beautiful place, Als. Lester would've loved it," Trish said, looking around at the church. Dez nodded in agreement. Trish had warned to punch him if he said anything stupid, so he kept his mouth shut.
The ceremony begins, and Mike and Mimi take their seat on the opposite pew. The preacher seemed to talk for hours, and the confidence Ally had at the beginning was fading. She felt herself begin to tear up little by little, and Austin squeezed her hand in reassurance. Trish had begun to tear up, along with Dez and surprisingly, even Austin. She felt tears stream down her cheeks. She wiped them off. She was going to get through this.
I know my heart will never be the same, but I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.
During the ride to the cemetery, Ally noted two things. One, hearses were more depressing than funerals themselves. Two, nature doesn't stop for anything. As mournful as a day as it was, the birds were still singing, the sun was still shining, and as far as she could tell, the earth was still spinning. It was kind of refreshing in a way.
The casket was lowered into the ground slowly. It felt like every second of it, something tore inside her. She blinked back tears. A part of her was gone, like something was missing. She would have to get used to it. There was something else inside of her now, too. Austin. A big part of her now, actually. It almost filled up the hole the death of her father left. The death. It's the first time she's addressed it as what it was than simply, a "tragedy." She smiled.
She was getting stronger.
The ceremony ended with awkward goodbyes to relatives she hasn't seen since she was seven or eight. They had filled in the grave, the headstone not being fully placed. She made a mental note to visit when it was. Austin stood up, taking her hand and pulling her up as well. Wrapped under his arms, she felt safe. He kissed the top of her head, her cool, damp hair leaving a refresh on his lips. She reached for his hand, because well, hand holding was their thing. He gladly took it, and they met up with his parents at the end of the hill. He whispered into her ear.
"Didn't you want to say goodbye?" he whispered, gesturing back to the grave.
"Not today. Today, I'm going to be free," she replied, leaving a kiss on his cheek. He didn't object. They hopped in the backseat of his parents' car, and drove away. She looked out the window as they drove past the cemetery. "Free."
When they get home, she sits on his bed. He's more than happy to see she's moving on. He knows it's a part of her she'll never forget, but she can't be hung up on it forever. And, he's proud of her more than anything. She's overcome some tough obstacles in a mere three weeks. And, not to toot his own horn, but he played his part in it, too. They both know she wouldn't be holding on if it wasn't for him. Part of it reassures him. Because he loves her, and even if she's not willing to say it yet, he knows she loves him too.
And, she does. She loves him probably more than anything else in the world, but that's not going to slip out yet. She's healing. It's baby steps. The last thing he's going to do after she's come so far is rush her. Reality sucks, life's a bitch, but you make your way through it, and that's exactly what she's doing.
"Hey, Austin?" she said, voice tired.
"Mm?" he replies, almost asleep himself.
"Thank you."
It's two simple words, like "I'm Ready." But sometimes, the smallest of words have the biggest impacts. And he knows exactly what she means.
A/N: Yay. The next chapter will be the last chapter. It'll be over with, and I won't have to worry about updating during school, and that's perfectly fine with me. I also love reivews.
~Rebel.