Summary: AU When Castle's life is threatened, Kate makes the choice to leave everything behind to go after her mother's murderer. Two years later, she returns. But will Castle take her back? Or has too much time passed?
A/N: Happy Castle Monday! For the first time ever, I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Thank goodness it's finally Monday already. That weekend went by way too slowly!"
Once again I had planned a conclusion to this story, and once again my characters told me that they needed more time to work through some of their issues. So it is looking to be another chapter or two at least. Until then, the flashbacks (in italics) continue. Thank you for those who take the time to review - you are awesome.
Chapter 10: The Letter
Two weeks later... (one month after Kate's return)
The apartment was quiet. Perhaps too quiet.
Having moved in two days before, tonight was the first night Castle had not slept over. After helping her continue to unpack her things, long buried in storage, he had headed home to his loft with a promise to see her for their dinner date the next day. "You need your sleep," he pointed out, knowing that the next morning would bring her first day back at work.
Reinstatement to the NYPD had proved more difficult than she anticipated, but Gates' enthusiasm to have her back helped make up for the hurdles she had to clear. She had never anticipated that the captain would pull strings for her, but pull them she did, giving Kate a firm look that said, "Don't disappoint me."
And suddenly, just like that, within a month of returning from her self-imposed exile, she was back at her old job. She had a new apartment filled with all her old things. And she had a date with Richard Castle the following evening.
It was all so surreal.
And quiet. The apartment was too quiet. Having gotten used to the late night hours and noisiness of the residents of a hundred seedy motels, the relative silence of her new apartment was disconcerting. And without the presence of Castle, it seemed empty and sad.
Kate frowned, angry at herself for feeling so needy. She was the one who had pushed for her independence. How could she go back on it now and tell Castle she was having trouble falling asleep without him? Besides, it was after midnight.
Devising a strategy, she picked up her cell phone and pressed speed dial.
"Miss me already?" His voice was thick and slow, as if he'd just been sleeping.
"Did I wake you up?" she asked, biting her lip.
" 's okay," he responded. "Don't mind."
She was silent for a moment, weighing whether or not she should use the obvious excuse she had concocted or just tell him the truth.
"Kate?"
"I'm here. I just... I was wondering if I left my brown heels at your place. I was thinking of wearing them tomorrow."
A pause. "Maybe. Do you want me to go look?"
"No, no, go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up. I don't need the shoes, I just..."
"You missed me," he filled in.
Pursing her lips at the smugness in his voice, she rolled her eyes but admitted, "Yeah..."
"Like I said, 's okay. But you need to get to sleep, Kate. Big day tomorrow."
"Good night, Rick," she said.
As she hung up the phone and settled back down under the covers of her bed, she took a moment to relish the quiet. Reflecting on it, she realized there were no suspicious footsteps, no suspicious voices. There was nothing but the usual apartment noises and the sounds of traffic outside her windows. The sounds of independence. The sounds of safety.
One week before Kate's return...
Lips, wet and insistent against his lips, trailing across his body.
The feeling of skin on skin, so warm and tactile and alive with feeling.
She was there, above him or beneath him, surrounding him with her arms and her legs and her body, a cocoon of softness and womanly scents.
He moved against her, with her, both of them together, a jumble of limbs and aching need. The need was so great, so hard as he struggled for release. But something wasn't right, this wasn't right.
Castle awoke with a start and realized he was tangled up in his sheets. He had long since kicked off his comforter as too warm, judging by the fine layer of sweat on his skin.
Skin... skin on skin...
The dream came back to him, heady and familiar and oh-so horribly wonderful. Dreams about Kate were frequent, although not as frequent as the nightmares. Sex dreams about her were rare, however, and left him feeling so empty and alone.
Annoyed with his body, he pulled back the sheet and headed into the bathroom for a shower, not caring that it was the middle of the night. With his mother on vacation in the Caribbean, there was no one to notice the sound of running water or worry about him not getting enough sleep.
Stepping into the slower, Castle automatically turned the knob to a hot setting and waited as the water rushing over him gradually warmed. Then, almost angrily, he turned the dial back. Almost instantly, the stream of water turned ice cold. He gasped at the temperature but forced his body to remain in place.
Damn his traitorous body. And damn his treacherous subconscious mind which had conjured images and feelings of a woman he had never touched so intimately, had never even really seen nude.
A woman who was likely dead. Dead because of him.
He had no business dreaming of her like that, and his body had no business enjoying it.
Castle finished the shower quickly, finding no respite in the cold water and equally cold tile floor. After pulling on fresh clothes, he went to his office and sat down in front of his sleeping laptop. He should write, he knew. His readers would want to know the fate of Nikki Heat and Jameson Rook. He had promised them a resolution to the cliffhanger, just as he'd promised one to his publisher.
But he had nothing. It wasn't even writer's block, this void in his imagination. He just had no desire to write. His muse was gone. She was gone, likely dead, and what good would writing do?
Closing his eyes, Castle rubbed his hands across his face and through his hair. Alexis wanted him to go see someone, a psychologist. She'd said a number of things, about depression and anxiety and him not sleeping. But Castle knew he wasn't depressed.
He knew because he remembered depressed - the three months after Kate's shooting without a phone call, that had been depression. The three months after his own shooting, with Kate gone off in search of the man responsible, that had been depression. No, he had worked through his depression. And he had finally landed on resignation.
Resigned to a life without Kate, to a life spent alone. Because Kate was dead. He finally believed it, had finally lost all hope of seeing her shining eyes and bright smile ever again.
Two years. She had been gone two years without contacting him one single time. Not one word, not one phone call or letter or sign. Kate had to be dead.
The book, Heat Lost, had been out for over three months. If she'd read it, she would have contacted him. She would have recognized his desperation and given him some sign of her existence. And the only reason he could think of for Kate not having read the book would be if she were dead.
The private investigators had mentioned it often enough that it always sat in the back of his mind like a black cloud of doom. And now, finally, he recognized the cloud for what it was - a thunderstorm that would never leave him. It would cast shadows on everything he touched for the rest of his life.
Nikki Heat would never be found. Rook would not survive his wounds, not this time. Because Rick Castle had failed to save Kate Beckett, had instead led her to her demise like an animal to slaughter. He was responsible.
He looked over at his safe, the one that held his passport and most valuable possessions. It also held the gun he'd bought from that street dealer, the gun he'd bought 'just in case.' It was loaded.
Sighing into the darkness, Castle pushed himself away from the desk as he pushed his gaze away from the safe. Instead, he walked across the office and picked up his copy of Heat Wave, the book which held Kate's letter.
He let his eyes scan the familiar words even though he could now recite them from memory. The paper was well worn, having been handled many times by both himself and others he'd shown it to. After having been crumpled in anger and then smoothed back out again on several occasions, the paper had a well worn effect.
I love you. If you take nothing else away from this letter, please remember that.
She loved him. Part of him had celebrated that knowledge when he first read it. Her love had accompanied him through long, empty nights and equally long and empty days. But now, it filled him with nothing but hopeless anguish. She had loved him - and died from it.
Time would never heal that wound.
He put the letter and the book away and proceeded into the kitchen to make coffee.
Two weeks later... (Six weeks after Kate's return)
"How about a CIA conspiracy?" Kate suggested, filling her spoon once more with ice cream as she waited for Castle's response.
"I don't know. I'm not feeling CIA."
She raised her eyebrows at him in surprise, as if to say, 'Oh really?' She thought about making a joke, but considering everything that had happened with Sophia Turner, she let it drop.
"What about a mafia connection? Or something gang related?"
Castle considered these for a moment, then shook his head. "Just doesn't inspire me."
Kate rolled her eyes and took another bite of ice cream. They were situated comfortably on the couch at the loft, her legs over his as he played with the cuffs of her jeans and her bare feet.
"Maybe Nikki has a really jealous ex-boyfriend," she threw out. He gave her a mock glare, and she added, "Or Rook has a jealous ex-girlfriend?"
"That's it. Angry about their high profile romance, their ex's team up together to take the couple down."
His playful sarcasm earned him another eye roll and the comment, "Smartass."
"So how's work going?" he asked, changing the subject as she handed over her spoon and the remainder of the ice cream to him. "Any idea when Gates will let you back into the field?"
Kate crinkled her nose at the mention of the Captain, still annoyed that she had to pass a physical, a psychological evaluation, and a refresher course before she could get off desk duty. But at least she was back at work. "I'm almost done with all her requirements. I'm scheduled for the psych eval on Monday."
"And she still won't change her mind about letting me come back?" he inquired.
"She said she'd consider it only after I was off desk duty." Kate bit her lip before adding, "Besides Castle, you need to work on your next book. How many times has Gina called you today?"
"I stopped counting and turned my phone off after five. I just wish I could come up with an idea..."
"I can't believe you wrote that kind of cliffhanger with no plan on where you were going to take it," Kate remarked as she shook her head in amusement.
"Yes, well, series continuity wasn't exactly at the forefront of my mind when I wrote it."
After taking the last bite of ice cream, he set the spoon and bowl aside so that he could focus on the woman draped over him. She had regained a little bit of weight in her time back but was still too slender for his peace of mind, although he fed her every chance he got. One of the things he had discovered as their relationship became more intimate was her love of vanilla ice cream. He made sure to always keep a container of it in the freezer.
"Have I mentioned lately how beautiful you look tonight?" he asked, scooting a little closer to her under her outstretched legs.
His compliment was rewarded with an embarrassed smile and a flush on Kate's cheeks. Even though they had been together for a month and a half, she still colored when he said things like that, and he still loved seeing her reaction. "Castle, I'm wearing jeans and an old t-shirt," she argued, as if what she was wearing had anything to do with her beauty.
"Very true. Maybe we should remedy that..." he began as he flirted a hand under the hem of her shirt.
Following Castle's slow seduction on the couch, they retired to his bedroom for more privacy. Afterwards, while Castle fell asleep, Kate found herself unable to close her eyes. She often stayed the night at the loft, or he at her apartment, and she had no desire to go home. But she remained restless and perhaps a little nervous about the scheduled psych evaluation.
In an attempt to take her mind off the impending consultation with Dr. Burke, who was very likely going to have quite a bit to say about her decision to disappear for two years after her mother's murderer, she carefully extracted herself from Castle's bed, pulled on his robe, and left the bedroom. While lights were still on in the living room, his office was dark. She wandered through it, careful not to bump into anything, just letting herself take everything in.
Kate thought about the trouble Castle was having coming up with an idea for his next book and marveled at how such an imaginative writer could hit such a wall. She had no doubt that he would get through it - he had conquered writer's block before. He had even written a book during her absence, so beautiful and heart wrenching that she had not been able to re-read it since, even though she had re-read all his other books multiple times.
Reaching out to run her fingers along the spines, Kate selected one at random, determining that his words were exactly what she needed to take her mind off of the meeting with Dr. Burke. Looking down, she noticed that she had picked Heat Wave. It was a favorite, as close to her heart as an old friend. Padding out to the living room, she pulled a blanket with her onto the couch and opened the cover.
The paper she found tucked inside was both familiar and new. While it had been written by her own hand - she remembered that horrible night in the hospital vividly - the paper had grown so worn in the intervening years that she hardly recognized it. It had obviously been crumpled up, possibly multiple times, and then smoothed back down again. The paper also bore a few small watermarks which looked suspiciously like they had been caused by tears. Re-reading her own words, Kate tried to picture how Castle would have felt reading it for the first time. Did it make him angry? Confused?
She had poured her soul out in that letter, putting into writing words which she had not had the guts to say to him out loud. And as she neared the end of it, she nodded at her promise to try to return to him. At least that was one thing she had done right. She had ensured his safety and then come back to him.
Suddenly, an idea occurred to Kate and she got up and headed back to Castle's office. Appearing a moment later with a clean sheet of paper and a pen, she sat down at the table and began to write. A while later, when she was done, she tucked the new letter in to the book with the old one and returned it to the shelf in Castle's office. Finally feeling tired enough to try to go to sleep, she slipped back into the bedroom and crawled in beside him in bed.
Castle found the letter a week later.
After fulfilling all of her requirements, including passing the psych eval, Kate had gotten back in the homicide ring in full force. He had not seen her in two days as she was busy at the precinct with a big investigation and had not even gone home to her own apartment. And of course, Iron Gates still refused to let him come back in and shadow her, mentioning something about needing a new signed liability waiver and the department officer who handled those requests being on vacation. It was an excuse, of course, but Castle let it slide. He knew if he pushed things, he would be out completely, no matter how many phone calls he made to the mayor.
Two days away from Kate, the longest they had been separated since her return. It seemed comical that he missed her so much considering how long she had been gone before. They had talked on the phone briefly the night before - she sounded tired, but energized at getting back into a murder investigation - but after a night spent alone in his bed, Castle needed just a little reassurance.
His feet took him to the shelf holding the book automatically. The letter was like a security blanket in some respects. Before Kate's return, whenever he felt really down or depressed or lost, he would read it. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it made him feel worse. But seeing her words, her 'I love you' written in bold letters, it did something to him. Every time.
But as his hand reached out to pull down his copy of Heat Wave, Castle paused. The book was not in its usual spot. He usually kept it on the left side of the shelf as the first in the Nikki Heat series. But for some reason, it was now to the right of the other books, out of order. Brow furrowed, Castle looked at the rest of his books to see if any of them were out of order. But they were all the same as he remembered. Pulling the book down, he wondered why someone would move-
Oh.
The letter inside the book was not the one he remembered. This one was on fresh, crisp paper, the dried ink a dark black, unfaded by time or wear. And the words were different. But the author of those words was the same, and she signed the letter with the same, "Always, Kate" as he remembered.
Dear Castle,
I love you.
Thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for forgiving me after I caused you so much pain. I know you missed me while I was gone, and I missed you, too. I missed you so much.
I don't know when you will find this letter, but I wanted you to know that I wasn't snooping. I found my other letter by accident and wanted you to have something else now that we are back together.
I love you. I may have gotten my own apartment, but I want to make sure you know that has nothing to do with how I feel about you. You mean everything to me. Maybe if I was a writer like you I would have the words to describe how happy you make me and the joy you bring me every moment we are together.
You're sleeping right now. I hope you are having good dreams. Dreams of the future. Our future.
I love you.
Always, Kate
By the time he had done reading the letter, Castle did not even realize that he had dropped the book. Instead of reaching down to pick it up, he wiped away a stray tear from the corner of his eye, not wanting to mar this letter the same way he had the last. He walked over to his desk and sat down in the chair before reading the letter again.
Castle read the letter over and over again, letting the words cleanse his soul of all the mixed emotions the old letter evoked. This was a love letter, plain and simple. A love letter written to him by the love of his life. She must have written it some time in the last few weeks as she mentioned the move to her new apartment. But it didn't matter when she'd written it, when she'd slipped it into the book with her old letter to him. What mattered was that she had been thinking of him when she wrote it.
And this time, he knew exactly where to find her.
Their all-nighter at the precinct having proved long and fruitless, Esposito and Ryan were both contemplating the merits of taking a nap in the breakroom when Beckett returned to the murder board with a fresh cup of coffee in hand. She looked exhausted, certainly, but just as driven as they remembered.
In a strange way, after her being gone for so long, it felt so normal finally having her back, building theory with them and giving orders.
"Maybe we're going about this in the wrong way," she said, staring at the murder board. "We assumed she knew her killer because of the way the body was left, covered up with the eyes shut and the hands arranged across the chest. But maybe she didn't know her killer. Maybe he knew her..."
Ryan nodded as she spoke. It definitely made sense. "Maybe someone she saw every day but didn't take much note of. A neighbor or a coworker."
"Someone who saw her every day but was invisible to her," Beckett added.
"Castle," Esposito said, breaking their train of thought.
"Gates won't let him come in yet," she responded. "And I don't want to bother him while he's working on-"
"No, I mean Castle's here," the other detective said, and Beckett instantly turned her gaze towards the elevator that the writer had just exited.
He strode up to her purposely, smiling in that cocky way he sometimes did. "What are you doing here?" she started to ask.
Without any warning, Castle reached his arms around her, dipped her backwards so that her back was parallel to the floor, and kissed her. She resisted him at first, but a moment later she visibly relaxed as she returned the kiss with equal passion.
All around them, officers and support staff stopped what they were doing and just stared at the display. While most knew through the grape vine that Beckett and Castle were in a relationship ("Finally!"), this was the first evidence anyone had of it.
All around them, officers and support staff stopped what they were doing and just stared at the display. While most knew through the grape vine that Beckett and Castle were in a relationship, this was the first evidence that most had seen of it. People watched the public display of affection in stunned silence until one person started clapping. Immediately, others began to join in until all around the kissing couple people were applauding and whistling.
The noise was enough to bring Gates out of her office to investigate the source of the commotion. Just as she opened her door, Castle pulled Kate out of the dip, simultaneously breaking the romantic kiss. Kate was smiling, her face significantly flushed until she spotted her Captain watching. The older woman stood with crossed arms and a face so full of expression, she might as well have worn disapproval like a garment.
Everyone else in and around the bullpen noticed Gates a moment later, and all noise stopped as everyone rushed to go do something important... elsewhere. Esposito and Ryan exchanged glances and strategically retreated to the breakroom to refill their coffee mugs.
Gates glared at the writer, who had suddenly noticed her appearance as everyone else retreated. "Mr. Castle," she said with a tone of barely constrained annoyance. "Just what do you think you're doing here?"
"Uh..." he began awkwardly, then sneaking a look at Beckett, he started again. "Actually, sir, I'm here to see my girlfriend."
"And distracting everyone else from their duties," Gates stated.
Beckett took the opportunity to step in. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."
"See that it doesn't, Detective, or I will have to permanently ban Mr. Castle from this precinct."
With one more glare at the writer, she was gone, back into her office with the door shut.
"And I thought I was making progress with her…" he muttered quietly.
Kate turned to Castle, looking both annoyed and pleased by his presence. "What are you doing here?" she demanded, also silently asking why he had just kissed her in the middle of her work.
"I missed you."
She looked ready to scold him but the earnestness of his statement melted her ire. "We saw each other two days ago."
"Feels like longer."
"Castle..." she began, then stopped, studying him.
Sensing her scrutiny, he finally offered, "I found your letter."
Suppressing a smile, Kate remarked quietly, "I wondered how long it would be."
"I had to see you."
She nodded. "Cause the last time I left you a letter, you didn't see me for two years?"
"Something like that."
With barely a glance towards Gates' office, Kate stepped closer to him and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "Well I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry."
"Promise?" he asked.
Her expression grew serious. "Castle, I promise to never willingly leave you again."
tbc