Consequences Chapter 10

Kathryn woke up with a terrible headache, no doubt due to the lack of sleep. She and Thomas had talked late into the night and then he had kissed her, but it hadn't felt right for either of them. He was obviously still thinking of Deanna while she couldn't forget Chakotay's kiss. So she had walked him to the door and he gently kissed her forehead before leaving. She was pretty sure Tom Paris had been spying on them. It was almost like living with Phoebe all over again. After he left, she had lain awake in bed thinking for quite some time. Thomas' life was a cautionary tale and she felt it was significant that she had run into him just as she was making a momentous life choice. She didn't want to make the same mistakes he had made and lose anyone that was important to her, even if she didn't remember them.

Chakotay showed up at her quarters to accompany her to breakfast. He stood politely at the door while she finished putting her boots on, his eyes surreptitiously scanning the room.

"He didn't spend the night, if that's what you're wondering."

"It's none of my business if you have someone over. You don't have to tell me anything."

"I'm aware of that. I just wanted you to know. Listen, Chakotay, have a seat. We need to talk."

He chose to sit in the armchair rather than on the couch next to her and watched her warily.

"I want to apologize to you for kissing you the other night. It was inappropriate and I shouldn't have done it. I've come to rely on your friendship and I'm afraid I've damaged it."

Chakotay placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward.

"Kathryn, no, you haven't damaged anything. I will always be your friend, no matter what."

"Then why have you been avoiding me? You've barely talked to me and this is the first time we've been alone in a room since that night. Do you think you can't trust me? I can take no for an answer, I won't kiss you again."

Chakotay ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to have this conversation with you. This isn't anything we ever talked about before."

"I don't remember, damn it!" she said vehemently. "I don't remember what we've talked about, okay? You know me, you know all of our background, and you expect me to act in certain ways. All of you do! But all I can do is just be myself and I end up disappointing you or hurting you. I still can't get Seven of Nine or Harry Kim to talk to me and all Tom Paris does is spy on me. I reacted to the situation the other night. There has been something between us all along and I reacted naturally. Tell me what was so wrong about it. I don't know the context, so you have to tell me. Tell me instead of just cutting me out of your life! "

"Okay, Kathryn, I'll tell you. I don't want to be alone with you because I don't trust myself with you! Yes, there's something between us, there was from the first moment I beamed onto your bridge, but we've never acted on it, not even on New Earth, and we're not going to act on it now, not with the way you are. You are going to get your memory back eventually and when you do, I want to be able to look you in the eye with a clear conscience. Can you understand that?"

He subsided, looking down at his hands. Kathryn rubbed the bridge of her nose. His shouting hadn't helped her headache.

"Yes, actually, I can understand that." Chakotay looked up at her in surprise. "It makes sense and I can respect that. If you had told me that instead of just walking out on me and then avoiding me, I would have been fine. I also understand how hard this must be for you. I'm behaving in ways that you might not expect. You need to understand how hard it is for me too. I'm just being myself, the way I was before Voyager. If I do something that I shouldn't, if I somehow offend you or hurt you or do something you don't want, then you have to explain it to me."

"Okay, I can do that. I should have that night. I didn't because-" He paused and shook his head. "I will from now on, okay?"

She nodded. She wasn't a mind reader, but she was sure he was holding back on her. He seemed sincere about talking to her from now on, though, so she decided that he was entitled to his privacy.

"Can I tell you something, Chakotay?"

"Of course."

"I've been feeling low. Very low. I gave up and I decided that I was leaving once debriefings were over."

"What do you mean you gave up? Where were you going to go?"

"I just gave up on hoping that I could make a life for myself here and that I would ever get my memory back and I thought I would go to the Gamma Quadrant. It's the only quadrant I haven't been to yet. I thought it would be easier to get away from all of you and Starfleet than to keep trying to be someone I'm not."

"Oh, Kathryn, no. Please don't do that, don't leave." He got out of the armchair and sat next to her on the couch, pulling her into an embrace. "I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. You're fine the way you are. You're-. You're just fine. You don't have to be anything other than what you already are."

Kathryn wrapped her arms around him and returned the hug. He was solid and reassuring and warm.

"I'm not going to go. Thomas convinced me that I should stay, that I should try to work things out here and just tell you, tell everyone, how I feel."

"Then I owe him a lot," Chakotay said into her hair. She was nestled under his chin and his mouth was pressing into her hair. He let her go after a long moment. "Kathryn, I want you to come and talk to me if you feel depressed again or for anything else that you need. I'm always here for you, day or night. I mean that. I was always there for you too on Voyager, but you didn't always talk to me. It was hard balancing friendship and our command roles, but that isn't a barrier between us anymore. You come and see me, okay?"

"All right, I will."

She was examining his sweet face when he received a comm call from Admiral Patterson notifying them that they were ten minutes late for their meeting. Kathryn rushed to the bathroom to repair her hair and make-up and they hurried off to McKinley Station.

It was an unusually busy day. The trip to McKinley Station ended up being longer than planned when they were asked to come over to Voyager and check on an issue with the warp core. By the time they returned to Earth to participate in the day's debriefing session, Kathryn's headache was fast on its way to becoming a migraine. She had missed breakfast because of the talk with Chakotay and lunch had been coffee while looking at Voyager's warp core. If she ate something, then she would feel better.

She got up from her seat, waving her coffee cup at Admiral Paris and made her way to the replicator at the back of the room. Chakotay was answering questions and she listened to his voice while trying to decide what she wanted to order. Nothing appealed to her. In fact, her stomach was decidedly queasy and saliva was building up in her mouth. Oh no! She rushed out of the meeting room and to the bathroom directly across the hall. She retched into the toilet and then sat on the floor, feeling utterly miserable. She was soaked in sweat and her head hurt so much, just as much as it had that first horrible day when she had tried so hard to get to Mark.

She needed the Doctor. She got up and rinsed out her mouth and shakily made her way toward Starfleet Medical and the EMH. He helped her to lie down on a biobed, gently smoothing her sweaty hair away from her face.

"I told you to come and see me immediately if you started feeling a headache," he scolded her.

"Mmm," was all she could respond. Her comm badge chirped.

"Paris to Janeway. Has something held you up?"

The Doctor tapped the comm badge for her.

"Admiral Paris, this is Voyager's EMH. Captain Janeway is with me at Starfleet Medical receiving treatment. She is not feeling well and I am placing her on medical leave for the remainder of the day and also tomorrow. Don't worry, it isn't too serious."

"Very well. Please let me know if there is anything she needs. Paris out."

The Doctor pulled down the collar of her turtleneck and applied a hypospray. Sweet relief. Kathryn almost cried as the pain left her head.

"Is that better?"

"Oh yes. That is the worst headache I have ever had."

"I don't doubt it. It was caused by the last of the chroniton particles finally working their way out from your brain."

"Really, after so long?"

"Yes. You were so flooded with them after the attack that it's a miracle your brain wasn't turned into Swiss cheese."

"That's what I am, a walking miracle. When can I leave?"

"I'm not sure. Now that the chroniton particles are gone, I want to try something. I believe I may be able to restore your memory now."

Kathryn sat up, her heart pounding. The Doctor smiled at her and proceeded to explain his plan.

-TBC