A/N: Quick note... thank you so much everyone (again) for the super kind reviews, and for not throwing flames at my slow updates. I appreciate the support so much. :)

Also - if you find yourself relating with Leo's thoughts, please talk to someone, whether that be a friend, family member, teacher, or someone else. Having those thoughts isn't fun at all and shouldn't be taken lightly.

And quick warning: references to suicide. Please be careful when reading this chapter if that might be a trigger for you.

I don't own TMNT.

I deserve to die.

My heart rate quickens. This isn't right. I shouldn't be thinking this. I can't be thinking this.

But I'm still thinking it.

I deserve to die.

I lift my head. Wipe my eyes as I'm blinded by the sudden stream of sunlight. Stand up slowly, picking myself up as best as I can, though I'm sure there are still broken pieces of me out there.

As if they have a mind of their own, my feet find their way to the edge of the rooftop.

You're such a failure.

Your little brother was hurting. Hurting a LOT, and you didn't even know.

If Mikey was hurting that much, imagine how much your other brothers are hurting. And you wouldn't even know.

You, the older brother, the so-called "protector," "fearless leader," "BROTHER," and you wouldn't even know.

What kind of a brother are you?

You're just a pathetic, fearful, cowardly, worthless FAILURE.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to crush the pain to smithereens, but I fail and the tears leak out.

I can't.

I can't do this anymore.

With a shuddering breath, I open my eyes and look down.

The late afternoon New York City streets are littered with cars, cars everywhere, cars stuck in the never-ending traffic. There are also little moving specks - humans. Some scurrying from place to place, others taking their sweet time as they navigate the crowded roads. None of them bother to look up in case there's a certain teenage mutant ninja turtle on a rooftop.

For a few seconds, minutes, hours - shell, who knows how long I've been out here? - I look down at the dizzying scene. I look down until a nauseating wave of vertigo overcomes me. I've never 100% gotten over my childhood fear of heights.

I stagger backwards from the edge, realization hitting me like a brick.

What am I doing here?

It's daytime. I can't be out here. Especially not in this universe, which I've barely gotten to know. I need to go back to the lair, to my brothers...

My brothers.

Donnie.

Raph.

Mikey.

Mikey.

Just thinking about him, the vacant, broken look in his eyes, makes my heart shatter. I've failed him, I've failed Donnie, I've failed Raph, I've failed Master Splinter...

I've failed the people I love the most so many times. What's the point in going back if I'm just going to fail them all even more?

I just want to end it all.

Because if I stay here, I'm not going to be doing any good. I'm just going to fail, fail, fail every day. Just like I've been doing for the past year, ever since I became leader. Or maybe even before that. Who knows any more?

A muscled yet somehow soft three-fingered hand on my shoulder makes me almost jump, but I try not to show any signs of surprise. I don't have to turn around to know who it is, but I do anyway to face him.

"Raph," I say, willing myself to sound strong, but the word comes out in a weak, wavering croak. I avert my gaze, unable to look into his blazing emerald eyes. I'm suddenly aware of the salty tears still flowing down my cheeks and the little distance between me and the edge of the roof.

Raph gently (yes, believe it or not, my hotheaded brother can be gentle) guides me away from the edge "What's going on, Leo?" he whispers.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I try to stand confidently. I try not to break.

I can't do this anymore.

The dam bursts open and the tears come crashing down, more fiercely than a waterfall. My knees buckle under me, my body sinking down to the rooftop once again.

Wordlessly, Raph descends next to me and wraps his arms around me tightly. I fall into the embrace, too broken to be surprised, letting his warmth and love flow into me while the tears still fall, dripping onto his plastron, but he doesn't move.

I can't.

"I can't do this anymore." My voice cracks as I say it. I would normally close my eyes in shame for breaking so easily, but I have none left. I'm just empty now, like a sad deflated balloon, a dried-up water puddle.

"Yes, you can," Raph whispers. "You've been doing it for so long. And you've been doing awesome, Fearless."

I pull away from him. "I'm not fearless, Raph. I'm nothing but a failure." Raph's eyes widen in shock, but he doesn't say anything. "I failed Mikey. I had no idea what was going on with him, but I should have known. I failed him and you and Donnie and- and-"

...and Sensei.

I can't say his name out loud. I failed him so, so badly. And I can never make it up to him. Or anyone else.

The shock dissipates from Raph's eyes, now replaced by concern. He grips my shoulder tight and looks me right in the eye. "You are not a failure, Leo. You never were and never will be. In fact, you've been nothing but the best."

I shake my head wildly. "No."

"YES!" Raph yells in frustration. But then he catches himself. Despite being broken and empty, I feel a flicker of a smile - he's controlling his anger.

"You are the BEST leader ever, Leo. And the BEST older brother ever. No one would ever be able to replace you. Just like how no one can replace Sensei." He's looking into my eyes again, those gleaming green eyes that only he has.

His expression and voice soften. "We need you, Leo. And we love you. We wish you could see how much you mean to us, and how much of an amazing brother, a Fearless Leader, you are to us. To Mike. To Donnie. To me."

"I just wish it would stop, Raph," I mumble, my gaze dropping. "It hurts so much."

His face falls. "I know," he whispers. "I know. But we can do it, Leo. You can and will get through this. It's just gonna take some time. And some help. So you," he jabs his finger at me, "better accept it."

I have no strength in left to me to say anything, least of all keep going on, but somehow I managed a meak "Okay."

"Now let's go back to the lair so you can relax."

I nod numbly.

Raph lifts me to my feet and leads me away from the rooftop, away from the edge I almost jumped down from.

I trudge after him. Every step feels like an impossible challenge, but I still have to get through it.

I'm just not so sure how to do this.

Or if I can do this.

A/N: Whew, that was intense... and heartbreaking. But at least Leo's still here, right?

I always appreciate reviews and feedback! :)