Merlin lay awake in his bed. Just a few hours ago the vial that Gaius gave him wore off. Immediately the sorcerer couldn't sleep. His mind kept him awake with thoughts of the next day. I'm sure Arthur's sleeping like a baby. Looking forward to yelling at me. Firing me. Merlin thought over and over. This was going to be his last time speaking with his prince. He wasn't ready for it. But maybe he deserved it. Merlin thought back to all the times Arthur was hurt. He hadn't protected him. Wasn't good enough to protect him. He deserved to be kicked to the curb. Merlin glanced and his bandages, then over to Gaius. I could just scratch. Risk the 'accidental' reopening. And he would deserve it too. Rather, he rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling. What's the point?
Merlin laid like this until the sun rose. Eyes staring above his head. Not counting the divots in the ceiling. Not thinking of anything. Just laid there, full of dread and ready for it all to end. His ocean deep eyes seemed deeper than ever. Lazily staring as if void of all other emotions. His mouth, curving downwards as if he never leaner to smile. The pain in his stomach did not faze him. What good was hunger to a dead man? He might be breathing, but he most definitely wasn't living.
Merlin heard sheets ruffle. Barely fazing him, Merlin noted that Gaius must be awake. Minutes later he heard shuffling around him. His gaze didn't move from the ceiling. He vaguely heard talking, but he didn't respond.
Gaius started towards Merlin. He hadn't responded to anything he's said. This worried him. He took in the appearance of his ward. Did his potion not work? The boy looked like he hadn't had any sleep. His coloring was returning though, so that was good. Gaius walked over to Merlin's side and glanced at the boy's face while he reached for his arm. Without fazing him, Gaius inspected his work he had done the night before. Everything seemed good. There were no signs of infection. Gaius breathed a sigh of relief. He looked back at Merlin. His eyes hadn't moved. They were still staring blankly at the ceiling. Gaius closed his eyes and bowed his head.
It was the first time in a while that he actually felt his age. He released Merlin's arm and went to stand. He was surprised to feel his arm being grabbed. He took a breath in and looked back at the young boy, their eyes met. Merlin blinked slowly, looking back down. Gaius squeezed his hand, and felt Merlin release him. Gaius turned back to make some broth for Merlin with tears in his eyes. It wasn't much. It wasn't much at all, but it was something. It was a sign that he just might be okay. Gaius returned shortly to Merlin's side with a bowl of broth.
Merlin could sense Gaius near him once more, and a strange smell entered his mind. The smell made him nauseous. He swallows multiple times trying to rid his mouth of the growing saliva. As Gaius was bringing a spoonful of broth to Merlin's mouth he noted the frantic movements of the boy's eyes. The constant swallowing and the tense hands gripping the sheets. "It's alright, Merlin. This will make you feel better, you need energy for today." Gaius tried to calm the boy. Merlin was still not processing what his guardian was saying. The spoon wondered closer, and he had to refrain from actively gagging. The smell was getting stronger and stronger until it was right under his nose.
Gaius looked over at the broth. He knew that Merlin needed it. But if he were to just gag everything, up there wouldn't be much of a point. He had to convince him, his mind, that he needed, wanted, to have the broth. "Merlin, you remember what is happening today?" He said thoughtfully. Merlin lifted his head from between his legs. Gaius took this as a good sign, he was listening. "You promised Arthur he could come 'round today." Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. Oh... Right. Merlin slowly laid himself back out onto the bed. Arthur.
"I could send him away..." Gaius was hoping he'd catch his bluff. To his delight, Merlin's eyes got wide and he turned his head towards Gaius. Merlin didn't know what to think. He was dreading seeing Arthur, but the thought of not seeing him at all was worse. What if that was the last straw? Firing him without seeing him? Merlin wouldn't have a chance to see him one last time... "Merlin, I can't in good conscience let him in here, when you might faint at any moment." Merlin's wide eyes were mixed with confusion. What did he mean faint? Merlin saw Gaius gaze towards the broth once more. Merlin's mouth started to water once more. "This will help. You will feel better. I will feel better." Gaius tried convincing Merlin with everything he had. Merlin contemplated. Then nodded his head.
Once more, Gaius brought the spoon towards Merlin. Merlin tried harder than ever not to think about just how much Gaius was going to make him drink. Gaius floated the spoon in front of Merlin's mouth, waiting. Merlin opened, suppressing a gag. Finally the warm liquid hit his tongue and flavor exploded into his mouth. He had to put a hand over his mouth to keep it in. He was finally able to swallow the liquid with much dispute. After a minute to make sure he could keep it down, he opened for a little more. After a couple bites, his stomach yearned for more. He was starving, and his body actually wanted the nourishment. Gaius was pleased to see Merlin accepting the broth so well. When the bowl was empty, Merlin looked expectantly for another.
"I'm sorry, Merlin. I can't give you anymore." Gaius said softly, patting Merlin's arm. Merlin looked confused. "I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to keep it down if you over did it." Gaius said, answering Merlin's unspoken questions. Merlin nodded, accepting the response. Gaius stood and started to ready his supplies for the day. He still had to do his rounds. Merlin looked around the room. Much to his surprise, he really did feel better. That little bit of broth was really making a difference. Suddenly, he heard bells chime. He looked, terrified, out the window and counted. Eleven strokes, it was eleven. He had one more hour to come up with some excuses before Arthur got there. What would he say? Should he talk? Would Arthur really even bother to show up? After all, who would be there to wake him? Merlin thought, bitterly.
As it turned out, Arthur didn't need to be woken up. As soon as light hit him, he was awake. He rolled over in his bed, and looked to the light. He thought about his duties for the day, and wondered why Merlin hadn't been there to wake him. Oh...right He thought. Memories of the previous day resurfaced. He looked down where his loyal servant fell. The image still in Arthur's mind. He squeezed his eyes shut and raked his fingers through his hair. Then, he remembered. His eyes shot open. I get to see him. He thought excitedly. His heart started to beat slightly faster, and his stomach flipped. He placed a hand over his stomach. Why? Why was he reacting this way? Shaking his head, he chocked it up to seeing a hurt companion.Companion? Merlin surely is categorized as more than that. Right? No. Merlin was Merlin. He tried to talk himself out of his confusion. Then, the bell tower rang. It was eleven. He got up quickly, practically running to his wardrobe to change.
Gaius was talking to Merlin about his rounds, knowing all too well that Merlin most likely wasn't listening. And he wasn't. But Merlin appreciated Gaius' ability to keep the air around them light. Merlin looked out the window, estimating how much time they had left before he had to face Arthur. Then, the bells rang once more. His eyes got wide and he looked to Gaius, who had stopped talking at the sound. He looked at Merlin with a reassuring nod.
Arthur heard the bell too. He practically ran out the door. Every time he passed by someone, he would walk. But anytime he was alone, he was running. When he got to the door, he couldn't breathe. He shook out his arms, trying to calm himself down. It was just Merlin. Just someone else he's visiting in these chambers. He had many men visit Gaius. This was just another one. Far back in his mind, he knew this was different, but he didn't acknowledge that. He raised his hand and knocked on the door.
Gaius looked at the door, surprised. He looked over at Merlin, who was wide eyed still. Gaius walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder, "You don't have to do this. If you feel unprepared I can send him away." Gaius said. "I'm sure he would understand." He raised his eyebrow waiting for a response.
Merlin breathed out a shaky breath. "No it's alright, Gaius." He voice felt raw. He nodded up, encouraging. "I have to do this at some point, right?" He looked up with a sideways grin, raising his eyebrows. "Might as well be now." Gaius looked uncertain, but turned towards the door as the knocking returned. As he got to the door, he opened it. He opted to pierce his lips together and do a curt nod, as opposed to speak to the young prince.
Arthur returned the nod that Gaius offered and looked towards the room, raising his eyebrows as if to ask for permission. Gaius looked back over his shoulders, then extended his arm to push the door open, exposing Merlin. Arthur walked in, trying not to stare at his servant. He opted to look over random pieces of the room. He brought a hand up to scratch the back of his neck.
When he finally made it to the bed, Arthur still avoided looking towards Merlin. Merlin felt horrible. He can't even look at me, I disgust him that much. He thought. Merlin began to fidget with his hands, tearing at pieces of blanket that covered him. Arthur looked down at his feet, shuffling. Gaius rolled his eyes, stepping forward.
"Sire," He said, gaining eye contact with the young prince. He gestured towards a nearby chair. "Perhaps you'd like to have a seat here." Arthur looked around for another chair, finding none. "Don't worry about me, I have to go on my rounds." This gained two terrified looks. Gaius opted to keep his gaze at Arthur, hardening his look. "I trust you'll be able to look after him while I'm away?"
Arthur swallowed, looking down once more. He nodded. "Of course, Gaius." He breathed out. Gaius raised his head, and gathered his supplies. Walking towards Merlin, he placed a hand on his shoulder, reassuringly. Merlin looked up with pleading eyes. Gaius patted him, and turned to leave. Not without giving Arthur one more look of serious intent. Be good to my boy. He spoke without words. Arthur understood and nodded. When the door shut, Arthur looked back to the chair. Walking towards it, he brought it over, closer to Merlin. Sitting down, he awkwardly brought his hands together and laid them on his knees.
Merlin watched his movements carefully. He was breathing hard, curious to see what was going to happen. He estimated they had just over an hour before Gaius returned. Were they just going to sit in awkward silence until then? Merlin was worried that they would. He couldn't take the quiet for much longer. He had to know what Arthur was thinking. Had to know what was going to happen. Arthur was feeling the same way. He didn't know what to say or what to do. He didn't know if he could look at him. He couldn't stand seeing his thin body, sharp ridges, the circles under the eyes, the bandages. Arthur closed his eyes, and lowered his head. Merlin crinkled his brow.
Arthur kept his eyes closed, "Merlin?" He said barely above a whisper. It was so quiet, yet the sound surprised Merlin. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Arthur lifted his head and for the first time, looked at his servant. "Merlin," he repeated with a little more volume, "what is going on?" He asked shaking his head. Merlin was thrown off. He expected yelling, he expected insults... he didn't expect this. Merlin was looking into Arthur's eyes and he felt chills cover his arms, stinging the fresh wounds. There was not anger in Arthur's gaze. There was... what is it? Concern? Worry? Confusion? Merlin, wasn't prepared for a soft question. He was ready to be torn apart with words of hatred.
Merlin bit at his lips, picking off the chapped pieces. He knew not what to say. Arthur lowered his gaze and leaned back into the chair. "You know," he started, looking back at Merlin. "I've been in this room multiple times. For various reasons." Arthur took a breath. "Look, every time I've been here to see a knight, or someone injured, even you once, I always knew why. Lancing injury, sword wound," Arthur paused, lowered his head and smiled at the memory, "poisoned." He said looking back up. Merlin was not smiling. He was looking down at his arms with guilt in his eyes. "But right now," he started talking once more, his smile gone, "I am sitting here looking at you, wrapped in bandages," Merlin self-cautiously tugged the blanket higher, "and I don't know why. How? When?" Arthur couldn't stop the words from flowing from his mouth. He bit his bottom lip to prevent him from continuing. With every question Merlin shrunk lower and lower in the bed.
Arthur placed his elbows on his knees as he pressed his head into his hands. Pressing at his temples to release tension. He didn't know why Merlin was acting so... Not Merlin.
Arthur looked back up at his servant, pushing his thoughts towards Merlin. He just needed to know what was going on. Merlin felt horrible, he never meant for Arthur to be concerned over him. He really did expect him to just get a new servant. "Look," Arthur started talking once more, "I know that I'm a prince, and you're a servant." Oh how these words felt so familiar, "So we can't be," Merlin lowered his eyes again, looking hurt. Arthur breathed in. He didn't believe himself. "Look, you're the closest thing I got, though." This surprised Merlin, again. "Please, I just need to know what's going on." He looked absolutely defeated. The broth in Merlin's stomach felt heavy. He moved to try to sit himself up, but gasped out in pain, softly. Arthur saw this and quickly got up to find another pillow to put behind Merlin. Finding one, he helped bring Merlin upright, placing the pillow behind Merlin, Arthur saw more of the bandages. Some with red peeking through.
As Merlin laid back the blanket fell slightly. More bandages. Merlin could feel the cool air against his skin, but he didn't care. He knew Arthur was slow, but in this moment, he knew Arthur had already seen. Why bother hiding them? Merlin kept his eyes towards Arthur though, watching to see what was going on in his mind. Arthur started to get upset. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart tight. Images of knights beating Merlin, and enemies torturing him in the woods crept up in his mind. He pinched his brows together in anger at the thoughts.
Merlin saw this, and waiting for the yelling. Here it comes. But no harsh words come. "Merlin." Arthur breathed purposefully, set on getting answers. "Say something." He pleaded.
Merlin contemplated his response. He looked down at the blanket, at the bandages. He didn't understand why Arthur was so intent on finding out. He wasn't ready for Arthur to know. He wasn't ready for Gaius to know, but that was over with. Merlin continued to bite the insides of his lips as he played with the edge of one of the bandages, Arthur watched with curiosity. Leaning forward, Arthur placed a hand over Merlin's; chills were immediately covering Merlin again.
Arthur looked at Merlin with the most sincere look on his face, Merlin had to look away. He finally opened his mouth and found words coming from them. Arthur inhaled quickly at the sound of Merlin's voice.
"I'm sorry." That's all, just those two words. Arthur wanted to hear more once he got a taste of Merlin talking. He started to rub comforting circles into Merlin's hand, gaining a raised eyebrow from the servant. Arthur knew that he was crossing lines. A comforting punch on the arm or ruffle of the hair is one thing. But this was a level that neither man was exactly familiar with. Merlin looked down and… What was that? Was that a smile? Arthur felt his cheeks turn pink. He brought his hand back to his side as if he had been burnt. Merlin raised his eyes and looked through black lashed, adorning a smug look. If Arthur wasn't so embarrassed, he'd be excited to see a look other than sorrow on his servant's face.
"Gee Arthur;" He said smugly, "I didn't know you cared so much." He said preventing a laugh. Arthur finally let himself smile, pressing a hand to his forehead. He looked back at Merlin, glad to have a small glimmer of the Merlin he knew, his Merlin. Arthur nodded.
"Well, I do." He decided to cut his cheeky response and return to the topic at hand. Merlin's laughter stopped as reality weighed back in.
"Look," Merlin said; now having confidence to speak, "this," he gestured to his bandaged arms, "was just a mistake." He said with double meaning. "One that is most definitely not going to happen again." He said with a different meaning than Arthur took on.
Arthur nodded. He was thinking of ways to keep Merlin talking. "Alright," He looked up, "Merlin, if I asked you simple questions do you think you could give me simple, honest answers?" He asked hopefully. Merlin bit at his lips some more. What could be the harm in that? He decided that Arthur clearly didn't know what self-inflicted wounds looked like, so he knew Arthur wouldn't ask that. Finally he nodded. Arthur nodded, taking a large intake of breath. "Alright then. These," he gestured once more to the bandages, "if I were to take them off, what kind of wound would I see?" Merlin looked at him like he didn't get the question. Seriously, that was his question?
Merlin bit at his lips, but lowered his head to look at the arm. "Cuts." He finally murmured. Arthur nodded. Cuts. Ok. He could go somewhere with this. At least he finally got an answer. Merlin was watching to make sure Arthur wasn't figuring things out.
"Alright, next question." Arthur lowered Merlin's arm and pointed at his face. "Why.." No, he couldn't use why, too broad, "How many people have injured you?" Arthur said, heart rate growing at the images that haunted him moments ago.
Merlin swallowed deeply, that was an easy one. "One." Arthur closed his eyes, and leaned closer.
Barely a whisper, "Is it someone I know?" He asked. He was now burdened with images of Merlin with random people. First he saw Gaius, then Gwaine, and then his father, all tying Merlin up and abusing his skin with a knife. All while Merlin was screaming out for Arthur to help him. Arthur watched as Merlin lowered his stare, water lining the rims of his ocean eyes. That was all the answer he needed, it was someone he knew. This brought on an anger he couldn't fathom. He stood up and turned his back to Merlin, he couldn't stand to look and see how hurt he was because Arthur wasn't there to protect him. He should have been there. "For how long?" He waited. Still with his back turned, Arthur waited a couple of minutes for a response. Turning back he yelled, "For how long, Merlin?"
Arthur was surprised to see Merlin curled up on his side, away from Arthur, shaking. He didn't mean for that to happen, he just needed to know. "Merlin," At this he saw Merlin physically flinch. Did he do that? Did he make Merlin scared? He let out a groan of aggravation. That seemed to calm him down a bit. "Merlin, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that." Merlin stayed in the previous position though. Arthur sat back down, feeling crushed. "Merlin, I'm sorry. Please let me explain myself." He waited until the shaking calmed down. Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. "It makes me," what was the word, "upset," that was it, "to think of someone hurting you. Right. Under. My. Nose." He accented these words. He knew better. He shouldn't have been so blind.
Merlin kept his back turned. He'll admit. When Arthur said his last line, Merlin was curious. Did Arthur… Care? Was that a possibility? He didn't want to make Arthur mad. He didn't want to hurt Arthur, he just needed to protect himself.
"It's not your fault, you know." Merlin said, causing Arthur to jump at the sound. "You couldn't have stopped this." Merlin whispered, rolling over just a bit to face Arthur. He starred at Merlin with such sadness. He had only hoped to understand. Yet, Merlin was selfishly preventing that from happening.
"Why not?" Arthur tried.
Merlin looked down, debating. "It's not something that goes away, Arthur." Merlin was now shaking. He was so close to letting it all out and confessing to Arthur. It terrified him. He didn't need the pity, didn't want it. Arthur was trying so hard to read between the lines, understand what Merlin was walking around. How can something not go away? Right now, looking at Merlin's shaking body, it was all he could do to stop himself from wrapping his arms around the shaking boy, protecting him. Protect him from all the dangers out there. He knew better though. He couldn't show that kind of affection. It's not approved of. Especially not to a servant. A male servant at that. No, Arthur would continue as he's been doing. Pretending that he doesn't feel that way.
Arthur hadn't realized that Merlin had been watching him. He felt his cheeks burn slightly. He looked up, and met Merlin's eyes. "Please, Merlin." He began, "I know you feel you cannot talk to me, and I am sorry for that." Merlin knew that Arthur meant these words, and his heart broke at the sound. "But could you do me something?" He looked up and raised his eyebrows. Merlin was filled with dread. Please, not another promise. "You say it's not something I could prevent, that it doesn't go away." Merlin was getting weary at the thought of another promise. "I will not lie, I don't understand. But, I am willing to accept that you feel that way." Merlin looked hopeful for a moment.
Arthur looked deeper, if possible, into Merlin's eyes. "Please, Merlin. May you at least tell me who it is?" Merlin looked away at this. "Please, you told me it's someone I know." Arthur tried to convince his servant. "If you don't I will look at everyone. Gwaine, Gaius, Elyan." Arthur looked lost now. Merlin was looking thoughtfully down at his bandages. Considering Arthur's words. HE didn't want to continue hurting Arthur. But he also didn't want to expose himself. "Merlin, I won't be able to rest, knowing that someone I know is hurting you." He tried once more. Merlin was biting at his lip. He knew he should put the young prince out of his misery, but at risk to himself? But maybe that was what he deserved. Arthur wouldn't worry or pity him when he finds out who was the source of his pain. "Was it? Was it one of them?" Merlin shook his head. "What about my father?" Merlin rolled his head back on the pillows, shaking his head. "What about Gwen?"
"Arthur!" Merlin said, earning a shrug from the prince.
"Who then, Merlin?" Then, Arthur grew tense. "Was it my father?" He asked sternly.
Merlin was starting to feel drowned with all the questions. Surely Arthur would run out of people to suggest anyway. One day, he'll find out. Why not today? Before Merlin realized his mouth was opening, he heard words spilling out of his mouth. Suddenly, he saw aide eyes staring into his own.
Arthur looked confused, and hurt. "What do you mean?" Arthur asked, barely above a whisper. Merlin was lost, he didn't realize he had said what he did and was still trying to convince himself that it wasn't just in his head. Standing up, Arthur crossed his arms, "Merlin, what did you mean that this was your doing?" Merlin was still at a loss for words when they both heard a creaking noise. As both boys looked towards the door, their conversation was stopped at the sight of Gaius