I've been trying to make these as long as possible. So please, enjoy!

With lightening speed, the realization about all that could happen followed that clap of thunder that still resonated in my ears. Exposed and revealed, I would be the biggest disaster in Mommy's life. All of our spiritual family would be blown away in the wind of outrage that would follow. And they would never return.

Mommy would collapse in defeat and dissapointment. Our lives would be ruined forever and ever. I could not leave the property and attend any school or be seen in the community. Where would we go? What would happen to us? What had I done?

"Please," was all I could utter.

His twisted, wry smile of astonishment softened.

"You're a girl," he said now with full realization. "Sure, that explains it all. I was convinced you were gay, and so were the girls."

His expression continued to change and turn until his eyes were full of impish laughter and delight.

"And you're not that bad either," he said.

The chains of ice that had tightened over me melted away. I turned to reach for my clothing, and he surprised me by stepping on it all.

"Not so fast," he said. "I'm not through. Why do you pretend to be a boy? What is this? What's your mother doing?"

"It's none of your buisness," I said, my eyes now clouding with tears.

"Oh, yes, it is," he said with some anger. "You made a fool of me. You made a fool of everyone. You're wacky as hell, both of you." He paused as a new thought came to him. "Who disappeared in your family anyway? Were there two girls or what? What's going on here?"

"I said it was not your buisness," I told him. "Get your feet off my things."

Instead of doing that, he lowered himself to his knees and continued to widen his smile.

"So what's your real name, Alphonse? Alphonsella or something like that?"

"No," I said, my arms now over my breasts and my legs crossed.

"How do you keep those boobs so well hidden?" He looked at the clothing and held up the modified corset. "With this? Doesn't that hurt?"

"Leave me alone," I begged.

He dropped it and wiped his hands on his pants as if it was contaminated.

"Is all this some sort of magic thing your mother performed? Did she put a spell on you and turn you into a girl?"

I shook my head, the tears now climbing over my lids and falling forward to stream down my cheeks.

"Mayve I'm seeing things," he said. "A spell has been put on me, too, huh?" He laughed. "Only one way to find out," he added, and that surge of cold fear began at the base of my stomach and slid up and over my breasts like a thin layer of ice.

"Go away!" I cried.

He leaned forward to grab my shoulders and push me down. I struggled with him, but he was too strong and was able to pull my arms away from my breasts. He gazed down at them and then slowly brought his lips to my nipples. I tried kicking at him, vut he was over my stomach, and I couldn't hit him hard enough.

I couldn't prevent what was about to happen. He kissed and suck, and then he lifted his head and smiled.

"Not bad for a boy," he said. I continued to resist. "Stop it," he commanded. "Or I'll tell the whole world what I discovered. The police will probably come to your house, I bet," he added.

The realization that they might just do that shit down my resistance. My arms softened and he pulled them straight and down to my sides.

"So why were you so interested in looking at my sister? Are you gay?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"You were fascinated. You got a long look at her. Don't tell me you didn't."

"It wasn't for that reason," I said.

"Sure."

"Get off me, please," I begged.

He thought and looked at me again, and then he released my wrists, but instead of getting off, he brought his hands to my breasts and fondled them.

"Nice," he said. "You could be pretty if you let yourself be what you are," he added.

"Please," I begged. His fingers continued to touch and squeeze.

"Why were you lying hear naked? You were getting yourself excited, is that it?" he asked before I could reply. "Why waste it?" he added.

The fear I had felt before returned behind a drumbeat that echoed through my bones. He was smiling wider, his eyes full of lust. I shook my head, but he leaned back, still sitting on my stomach, and began to undo his belt buckle.

"Stop!" I cried.

"Why? You've got to know what you've been missing, what you probably want anyway. Who better to show you than me, your only friend?"

I shook my head, and then, when he lifted off me, I turned, but he pushed me down and brought his mouth to my ear.

"You better not get me mad," he said. "I'll go right from here to the phone and tell the whole world what I have seen. You want that? Well?"

"No," I mumbled.

"Then stop fighting me," he said. "You wont be sorry. I promise."

I heard him continue to undress. I was sick with fear now, but in a strangly bizarre way, curious, too. It was almost like a baby putting her finger in a candle flame. Everything told her it was dangerous, especially the heat as she brought her finger closer and closer, but the light was mesmerizing and fascinating, and she could not stop herself until she touched it or it touched her and she screamed with shock and pain.

Why was something so beautiful so harmful?

He turned me over so I was on my back again, and he lifted my legs and put himself comfortable between them.

"Feel that?" he asked. "That's what you pretended you had," he said and laughed.

I shook my head. "Don't do this," I pleaded.

"Do what? How could I do this to you? You're a guy, just like me," he said, and he pressed on.

It was painful. I cried out, but my cries just made him more aggressive, it seemed. He was in me, pushing forward. I felt my whole body shudder. I kept my eyes closed just the way someone terrified of what was in the dark might, but at one point, I couldn't contain my curiosity, and I opened my eyes and looked at him.

He had his eyes closed, and he was obviously in some ecstatic state. His body trembled, and then I felt him quiver inside me, which despite my fear and resistance made me quake as well.

Then he seemed to collapse over me, his breathing so hard and heavy, I thought he might die. Slowly, he lifted himself away and sat back.

"A friend of mine used to say that was like breaking in a horse," he said and laughed. "I promise you," he said as I reached for my clothing, "it won't be half as bad next time, which means it will be twice as good."

"There won't be a next time," I said.

"Oh, yes, there will, he countered, and then he reached for my arm and pulled me back. "Yes, there will. Matter of face, I want you here tomorrow, same time, same place."

I shook my head.

"If you're not here, everyone finds out what I know, understand? I'll be here. I won't wait a minute either. No show, everyone knows. That's the deal, get it?"

"You're a horrible person," I said.

"Me? Hey, I'm not the one telling the world I'm a voy, and I'm not the one with a mother who says that, too. Here she made herself out to be such a goody-goody to my father and got me in deep trouble. I still want to know, who really disappeared? Did anyone, or was that some sort of lie, too?"

I didn't answer. I put on my underthings and my jeans quickly. He sat back to watch.

"Let me see how you hide those boobs," he said. "Go on."

I tried doing it with my back to him, but he demanded I turn around so he could watch.

"That's got to hurt," he said with a grimace. "Why do you keep pretending to be a boy?"

I didn't speak. I continued to dress. He did, too. When I was finished, I started away, and he caught up to me, seizing my hand to spin me around.

"Remember," he said. "Same time, same place tomorrow, or else. I mean it," he threatened.

I lowered my head in defeat, and he laughed.

"It's not so bad. You're going to enjoy it more and more. I promise."

He released me, and I shot away from him. I charged through the woods and didn't realize until I was nearly to the meadow that I had left my leather-bound copy of Romeo and Juliet back there, but I wasn't about to turn around and get it. I was afraid he would mistake that for a desire to be with him if he was still anywhere near the now infamous special place.

The book would be fine as long as it didn't rain, and it didn't look like it would tonight. When I reached the meadow, I paughsed and then just sat myself down to cry. I sobbed and sobbed and then finally, my well of tears drained, stopped and just sat there staring at an anthill.

I watched them working frantically. My thoughts went back to Alphonse and how fascinated he had been when he discovered his first anthill. Somehow, because of what had just happened, I thought I had betrayed him. I thought I had betrayed everyone and I would soon be punished for it. It was really my fault, after all.

If I hadn't done what I had done, Roy wouldn't have discovered me. I had pulled back a protective curtain and let someone outside of our precious world look in and see us as we were. What was I to do now?

I wiped away the tears that lingered on my cheeks, and then I rose and slowly walked toward the house. Before I went intside, however, I went to the old well, drew up some water, and washed my face. What I must do now, I thought, was tell Mommy everything.

Surely she would be angry, but she would also know what we should do, or she would ask for spiritual guidance. What other choice did I have.

With my head bowed, I entered the house. I heard the melodic tinkle of one of Mommy's antique music boxes, and I walked slowly into the dining room doorway because it was coming from there. When I looked in, I felt the breath go out of my lungs.

The room was decorated with cepre paper and with balloons, and sprawled in paper letters across the mirror were the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALPHONSE.

Mommy appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. She wore an apron, and she looked very pretty with her hair brushed and pinned neatly. She wore lipstick, and she wore one of her nicest dresses, the light blue on with the sequin collar. The table was set.

"I told you I would do something special for you," she said.

I was stunned. I had forgetting it was my birthday. How could I?

"Remember that music box?" she said, nodding the ivory box embossed with a sehorse in black. "My great-grandfather bought it in New York City for my great-grandmother Elsie. Recognize the tune? I play it from time to time on the piano."

"Yes," I said in a small voice. " 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik' by Mozart," I said.

"Yes. I would never guess you'd remember that. You were never good at remembering the music, Alphonse. How wonderful. I guess you are becoming a charming little gentleman. Go put on something nice for dinner and let's celebrate," she said. "I'm making your favorite meal, rack of lamb with mint jelly," she said and returned to the kitchen.

I stood there looking at the table and the birthday greeting. The music box played on. It tapped a new well of tears inside me. Before Mommy could see me crying, I turned and hurried upstairs.

I couldn't break her heart.

I just couldn't.

I showered and then dressed in a nice shirt and pair of pants. Even after all that, I was unable to stop the trembling. I saw it in my fingers when I went to button my shirt. Every once in a while I had to fight off an urge to cry, and swallow back what felt like a ball of hard candy in my throat.

When I went downstairs, Mommy was waiting at the table. She looked at me expectantly and gazed about the room.

"Well?" she asked.

I knew what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to say I saw Daddy.

"He promised," she added, almost in a whisper.

I forced a smile, took a deep breath, and slowly panned the room, pausing when I reached her. Then I widened my smile. Mommy put her right hand on her left shoulder as if she was covering Daddy's.

"Happy birthday, dear Alphonse," Mommy said. "From both of us."

I stared. Was he there? Did I see him? Was he as young as I remembered? How desperately I needed him.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Mommy asked. "To be together again like this?"

I nodded.

"Now you sit down, Alphonse. I want you to enjoy every moment. I mean we both want you to enjoy every moment. I have your favorite cake, too, and afterward, there is a big surprise waiting for you in the living room," she said.

I turned to look back through the doorway.

"No, no, you have to wait. Patience. All good things come to those with patience," she said and rose.

I sat at the table and stared ahead. "Are you there, Daddy?" I whispered. "Show me, please. Touch me, speak to me, please," I pleasded.

I closed my eyes and prayed. And I did think I felt him beside me, touching my shoulder. I waited, and then felt his lips on my cheek.

"Happy birthday," I heard and snapped my eyes open. I turned quickly, but he wasn't there. I hadn't seen him. Perhaps I had lost any chance to ever see him.

Mommy entered with our food and stopped to look at me.

"Everything all right?" she asked.

"Yes," I said quickly.

"As it should be," she said. "As it should be."

It was a wonderful dinner, and the cake was delicious. Despite the swirling ball of sadness that lingered in my stomach, I ate well. Mommy talked about so many things she wanted us to do about the farm.

"I want a better, bigger garden, and I'm going to sell some of my herbs to Mr. Bogart. He has customers. I can make a handy amount of money for us. I want you to have new clothes, and I'm thinking of getting some new things for myself as well. Most of all, Alphonse, I'm getting us a new car. You're going to learn how to drive, too. Now, with this birthday, you're eligible for that, you know. I can't wait to begin to teach you how to drive," she said.

How wonderful it all sounded. If I got my license, I could go places. This world would no longer be shrinking for me. Surely she meant for that to happen. How could I say one word to discourage her or depress her? We must both be happy, I thought. We must.

After the dinner was over and we had eaten the cake, she declared it was time to go into the living room to see my surprise. Whatever it was, it was gift-wraooed and left on the floor. The shape of it confused me.

"Go on, Alphonse," Mommy said. "Open it."

I started to take it apart neatly.

"Just rip it open," she said and I did.

I stared down at a chain saw.

"You're old enough to handle that sort of thing now, and we needed a new one, but small enough for you to handle well," Mommy said. "You'll be able to cut firewood for us, harvest our woods. Of course, you'll have to be very, very careful. There is an instruction book in there, too. I want you to follow the rules and procedures exactly. Well? I guess you're too overwhelmed to speak. I know how much you like things with engines, how you like to ride our mower and how much you loved your electric trains."

I continued to stare at it.

I wanted to think of it as Alphonse would. I wanted to be as excited as he would be, but I couldn't do it. All I could do for Mommy was smile and look at the booklet.

"My little man," she said and came over to kiss me on the forehead. "I'm going to clean up. Read the booklet," she told me and left me.

I felt like I was turning inside out. I didn't want chainsaws. I wanted hewlery and new clothes. I wanted a radio for my room. I wanted to know about the music they talked about in Roy's car. I wanted a television set. I wanted to have my own phone, but more important, I wanted friends to call.

I wanted a birthday card that said, "I've registered you for public school. Happy birthday."

But I would have none of that. Not for a long time, maybe not forever now, I thought.

I sat staring at the window because I could see myself reflected. Now who was I? I wondered. Now that what has happened, happened, who could I be? Maybe I'm nobody. Maybe I'm on of Mommy's spirits, and I don't exist. Maybe it was I who had fallen off that rock and who had died in the stream.

Mommy came back and sat at her piano. She called me to sit beside her, and like a tired ghost, I rose and went to her. I really felt like I was floating. Her fingers danced on the keys. The melody flowed. Mommy nodded at the windows.

"They've all gathered to listen," she said.

I looked but saw nothing. She was so sure of it. Were they there, and were they happy that I had kept their secret?

Now I wondered, how long could I?

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